White Noises

I woke up. I didn't realise I was in a hospital bed for a few seconds. The lights were bright. There were tubes stuck to me. I was uncomfortable and I felt like shit.

Two failed suicide attempts.

I can't even fucking kill myself right.

"You're awake."

I turned. Bay was sitting in a chair close to my bed.

"Y-yeah," I replied, my voice scratchy.

"How do you feel?"

"Like shit."

"Why didn't you talk to me?" Baylen stood up, and walked over to me.

"Cos you have your own problems."

"I fucking love you, Adryan. Your problems are my problems, ok baby?"

I shrugged. Baylen placed his hand on my forehead.

"Adryan, I watched you try to kill yourself. I couldn't stop you. I ran to get you, but I was too late. I felt sick. I couldn't breathe or think straight. I screamed. I threw up into the toilet. I screamed again. A nurse rushed in and I pointed her to the balcony. Luckily they found you."

I stayed quiet.

"Adryan, I would have lost another boyfriend. Do you know how much of a jerk that would have made me feel? 'Oh hi, I'm Baylen. I drive my boyfriends to suicide. Lol.'"

I looked at him. I saw the pain in his eyes. I felt sick.

"Adryan. It's only thanks to you I stopped starving myself. I let myself gain weight. Adryan, I've stopped self harming, and I haven't thought about killing myself in a while. Adryan, baby. I love you so fucking much, ok? You are the reason I'm still alive. You are the only good thing in my fucking life. You are the only thing worth living for."

Baylen paused. He took a deep breath. "But I guess I don't mean anything to you. Because I tell you everything. And then you just randomly start ignoring me. Then, you try to kill yourself. Well, I guess you want me to leave you alone then, right? I'll leave. But I'll still love you. Even if you tell me you really hate me, or you call me names, or you talk shit about me, I'll still fucking love you, Adryan. And I'll forgive you, even if you don't apologise. Because that's what love is."

"Baylen…." I whispered.

"Hmm?" He asked.

"I'm so fucking sorry."

He grabbed my hand. "I am, too."

And at that moment, I knew Baylen was real. Baylen was the most real thing in my life. And I really, truly loved him back.