Breakdown

At some point during the night I had crawled from the floor mattress onto Jack's bed, wriggling my way into his arms, my face buried into the crook of his neck. I pulled away from him, though I had liked the warmth, my bladder had different idea. I maneuvered my way out of the bed and quietly padded into the bathroom across the hall. I paused to look at my reflection. I barely recognized the person staring back at me. My eyes had harsh dark bags underneath them, and my face was washed out in pale. For lack of a better term, I looked dead, I'd lost a lot of weight since the beginning of the year, most of my meals were alcohol anymore. The only time I really ever seemed to eat was here at Jack's, but it was never much more than toast or something equally as bland, my stomach couldn't hold down anything else.

I turned away from the mirror, pushing my current thoughts away, I couldn't dwell on these things, it just made me feel worse. I emptied my bladder and headed back into Jack's room, closing the door quietly behind me as Jack parents might be home still, I had no idea of the time, not thinking to look, and they didn't like it when I stayed over. Not anymore. They knew all about me, they didn't want Jack to be anywhere near me, and I didn't blame them. I turned from the door and and found Jack sitting cross legged on his bed, glaring at me from across the room. I cringed a little and made my way to the extra mattress and plopped myself in the middle, staring at the sheets as I waited for Jack to yell at me. After a few moments of silence I glanced up at Jack, and saw him staring at me with a broken sad look on his face.

He sucked in a breath and turned his head away, and I climbed up beside him and took his face in my hands, making him look at me again "Jack don't be sad." I said, forcing a smile on my face, though I knew he'd see right through it, " I'll be okay, I always am. You know that." he pulled away from my hands then, settling between his own hands instead, hiding his face from me. I stared at him as he sat there miserably, wanting to comfort him, but I couldn't because he'd already drew away from me once. It was obvious Jack didn't want me to touch him, and I couldn't blame him. I was dirty and broken, not worth his time, but he still took care of me anyways, and I would never be able to thank him enough for picking up the pieces after every night I shattered.

I folded in on myself, drawing my knees close to my chest, resting my chin on top of them and locking my arms around my legs. I watched Jack, wishing there was something I could say to stop the subtle shaking of his shoulders. It took all I had not to throw myself at him, lock my arms around him and never let go. He was my best friend, and I loved him, but I didn't deserve him, I barely justified having him as a friend let alone ever thinking of anything more. Jack would never want me, especially not anymore, not the way I was now. I was too broken for anyone, I was lucky Oli still gave me the time of day. Finally Jack looked up at me and his swollen red eyes sent a sharp pang through my heart. I felt tears leak down my own face as we stared at each other and a straggled "Sorry," escaped my lips. But I had a feeling that maybe that wasn't going to work this time.

Jack shook his head "Don't Alex." he whispered, he slid off the bed, rising to his feet, towering over me "I can't keep doing this, you can't keep doing this. You're going to end up dead in that ditch one of these nights, either from the drugs or from Oli. Why did you do this to yourself Alex? You're a fucking mess, and so am I." Jack took a shaky breath and looked to the window.

"You don't think I know how messed up I am Jack?" I retorted, suddenly irritated at Jack's words "I know I'm a train wreck, and I know I've fucked you up too. And that just makes it worse, the fact that this is effecting you. I know that makes no sense, I know that I make you come pick me up almost every night. I want to stop Jack, I really do. I'm just not sure I can anymore." my hands moved to comforter beneath me, picking at a loose thread as a waited for Jack to say something.

It took a few moments but Jack finally looked at me again, his expression was unreadable, "But why Alex? You know I would help you. We could get a restraining order on Oli, it's that easy Alex, why won't you just do this?" he looked angry now, his tone causing me too look away from him, focusing in the bed under me. Jack made it sound so simple, but nothing ever really was.

"Jack I need him, he's the only one who wants me." I said hopelessly, I could never make Jack understand why I couldn't leave Oli, I wasn't even sure I understood myself. I wanted nothing more than to back to the simplicity of life before Oli, before everything, when it was just me and Jack and nothing else mattered. I peeked up at Jack and found him staring at me, a hurt look on his face. I didn't understand it, I hadn't said anything to cause that look to cross his face.

Jack sighed and settled himself back on the bed, sitting directly across from me "Alex, you know that's not true." he said taking one of my hands "You could have anyone you want, just like you used to." a small smirk crossed Jack's face as he mentioned my fairly large repertoire of past relationships, but it only made me think of how this was probably just karma, I left a trail of broken hearts, and now I was the most broken of them all. Despite my thoughts I let a smile play on my lips as I watched Jack inspect the hand he had trapped between his "In fact I know several people who are pining for you right now and I-" Jack cut himself off suddenly, causing me to look from our hands to his face. His eyes were as large as dinner plates for a moment before for he collected himself with a fake cough "Um, and I know all of them." he finished lamely, and I knew that's not what he was going to say before he caught himself, but I let it go. I knew he'd never tell me.

Not wanting to lose the moment I smiled "Uh huh. Who is it, Rian?" I said dismissing any thoughts of trying to pry what he was really about to say out of him and making us both laugh. He was good friend of ours and had no qualms about our sexualities, but he was the straightest guy alive. I jumped at a sudden sensation from my hip, realizing it was my phone and quickly fishing it from my pocket, shivering when I saw that it was a text from Oli.

'You make it through the night babe?'

This was the worst part about Oli, he wasn't horrible all of the time, he could actually be pretty sweet and kind, but he had these terrible mood swings, and that was when he was sober. When he was intoxicated or high he was permanently set in asshole mode, and most of the aggression was taken out on me. I knew that should be enough to make me hate him, but I just couldn't, there was something intoxicating about Oli, like he himself was my drug, but there wasn't always good side effects, and lately the bad was starting to happen more often than the good. Staring at the message for a minute more I typed back a response before shoving my phone back into my pocket.

'Yep still kickin'. I'll come over in a bit. xo'

I looked back up at Jack and found him watching me intently, opening his mouth in a motion to start speaking, but he was interrupted by my stomach making an unnatural noise causing us to both laugh once again "Come on Lex, let's get you some food." Jack said, taking one of my hands again and pulling me off the bed with him, and I knew we we're going to be okay again for another day, because he finally said his childhood nickname for me. I was filled with a swarming sense of relief, it was looking grim earlier, and I was glad to avoid the inevitable fight they were going to have. One of these mornings our fighting was going to escalate and spiral out of control and it might be the end of our friendship. I couldn't bare the thought, and if it happened it would be completely my fault. I was the one who kept dragging Jack into my shit, and I couldn't blame him for getting tired of it.

We made it downstairs and into the kitchen, and it was evident that Jack's parents were long gone by the way he was parading me through the house, a large contrast to how we had come in last night. Jack sat me down on a stool for the breakfast bar as he wandered to the cabinets and pulled out a box of Cheerios I knew was there just for me, being one of the few things I could eat without upsetting my delicate stomach, and a box of Cookie Crisp for himself. I smile as I watched him prepare our breakfast, Jack was funny in a way with his favorite things, liking them to an almost over obsessive point. He glanced back at my and held up the milk, silently asking if I wanted any, I nodded, feeling confident in my body's ability to process a bit of dairy today. Jack finished the bowls and brought them both over, balancing one precariously in each hand, and I took my bowl from his hand when was close enough, leaving him able to take his own bowl in both hands as he swung around to join me.

"You know you're going to drop the bowls one of these days, and I'm just going to laugh." I said feeling a smirk form on my lips "Why don't you just bring the bowls over one at a time?"

Jack returned my smirk with a toothy grin "It hasn't happened yet, I'm a bowl balancing expert!" he said laughing a bit "Why bring them over one by one when I can bring them both at once? It's obviously more efficient." he said smugly.

"Yeah until there's a mess of cereal on the floor, and you totally just jinxed yourself by saying you're an expert by the way." I informed him, effectively winning, turning to my bowl of cereal and scooping a small spoonful. The first bite usually told me whether or not I was going to be able to consume all of my meal. Shoving the spoon into my mouth and swallowing down the first bite, I felt pleasantly confident about eating the whole bowl. We ate in silence, though Jack finished twice as fast as I did, I soon had my bowl empty, and watched as Jack swooped them both up and set them in the sink, before turning and looking at me.

"Movie?" he asked, giving me a puppy face, as I knew it was just code for 'I want to watch Home Alone.' it was another one of his favorite things, and usually I gave into the request, but I had a different idea that didn't subject me to watching the movie with Jack for the millionth time.

"How about a Jam session instead?" I suggested, I couldn't remember the last time we'd played together, and I missed it. I watched Jack's eyes light up and he practically ran over to me, dragging back upstairs and into his room. I sat on his bed as he stepped over to his closet, rummaging around the inside which held both of our guitars.

He walked to the bed, handing me my instrument, and settling down with his own. We both took a few minutes to strum random chords, getting used to the feel of having guitars in our hands once again. After a while Jack started playing the opening chords of Good Riddance and I joined in with him, singing the lyrics as we played.

'Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road
Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go
So make the best of this test, and don't ask why
It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

So take the photographs, and still frames in your mind
Hang it on a shelf in good health and good time
Tattoos of memories and dead skin on trial
For what it's worth it was worth all the while

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life.

It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right.
I hope you had the time of your life. '

As we let the final note fade away we sat in silence, letting the warm feeling of playing course through us. We played several more songs, getting lost in the music, I really had missed playing my guitar and singing, it was something I used to love to do more than anything. I made a note to try and start playing more, and maybe even start writing music again. We had lost track of time in our world of melodies and I felt my phone vibrating in my pocket once more. I stopped strumming and pulled out my phone to check the message I knew was from Oli.

'Thought you were coming over? :('

I sighed a bit, setting my guitar a side, and typing back,

'Sorry I fell asleep, I'm on my way right now.'

I stood from the bed, taking my guitar back over to Jack's closet and setting back inside, feeling Jack's eyes on me the entire time. I turned and saw him looking at me dejectedly "I have to go now Jack, I don't want to upset Oli." I said walking to Jack and hugging him awkwardly around the instrument still placed in his lap, I took the opportunity of being right next to his ear to whisper a 'Thank you' before I kissed his forehead and pulled away " Bye Jack." I gave him a small wave before turning and heading out of his room, and outside. I took a moment to stretch my arms above my head, really just procrastinating for another precious second before turning and beginning the walk towards my boyfriends house, and a start to what was sure to end up being another long night.