Here With Me

March 15th, Friday
In Hudson's life

I stood in the restaurant's freezer, taking a break, needing to be alone. As my eyes were closed, my arms were wrapped tightly around myself; not because I was cold but because for the first time in nearly 15 years, this overwhelming feeling of insecurity filled me completely. A week had gone by and I hadn't spoken to her. I wanted to. I wanted to grab the phone and call her and tell her I miss her and love her and want to come back to her. But that didn't mean I was no longer hurting.

The door was cracked open just enough so I could still hear the commotion of the kitchen as orders were being called out. Even as it neared midnight the restaurant was still busy; but it was the beginning of the weekend, this was to be expected.

Standing in the freezer for close to ten minutes now, sipping a scotch neat, the door opened and Jules walked in with one of the prep cooks; they didn't notice I was in here as they began taking items down from the shelves, talking.

Jules shook his head as he stacked items in his arms, talking to the cook. "I ne'er seen him like this. I mean, I've known him for years and this is what I believe to be as close to the pain he went through when he lost his mum. He lost his mum you know? And he's thrown himself into work and has been just going nonstop. You know he's worked everyday this week? I'm worried about him. He's depressed, you can tell that for sure. And he's not the type to talk about things, I mean, what guy is? I've ne'er seen him this torn up before. He's ne'er loved another person this much before, like, with this kind of intensity."

When they both turned around after gathering what they needed, they stepped back from being startled. Jules went pale as he stared at me, probably feeling embarrassed that I heard everything he said.

"Is anyone on the stage out there?" I asked, not bothering to make any comment about the other thing.

"Uh, no, not now there isn't." He replied, looking confused. The cook looked even more terrified as he would quickly glance up at him.

"Well I still have five more minutes of break. I'm gonna go up there." I murmured, downing the last of my drink and began walking out of the room. Jules frantically shoved the food into the cook's arms and followed after me. "Hey, Hudson what exactly are you going to do?"

"Do a song Jules. That's what we made the stage for, right?" I replied, taking off my chef's coat and hanging it up before leaving the kitchen. He still followed me as I walked through the restaurant toward the small stage.

"Wait, what're you gonna sing?" He asked in a panicked tone.

I ignored him and went up and took a seat on the stool in front of the mic. "Good evening ladies and gentlemen, how're you all doing tonight?" The patrons clapped and gave a positive response. "That's great. Well tonight I'm just gonna perform a cover of a song called 'Gap' by The Kooks, it's one of my favourites." I took one of the guitars and plugged it in, giving Jules that look saying 'Well are you going to join me or not?.'

He quickly scurried up onto the stage and took his place at the drums as I began to strum the beginning chords to the song.

"So put a spanner in the works,
Of your mind,
It's easier to work,
But I don't mind,
You're bitter in defeat so,
Just don't try
To take away all the things
So dear in my life.

I have to break down all
the corners of the world.
Don't heap this praise on me,
I know I don't deserve it.
But what's all this I see?
Yeah you're leaving right beside me,
And I miss you, and I need you.
I do.

But don't go, take my love,
I won't let you, I'm saying please don't go.
Don't go, take my love,
I won't let you, I'm saying please don't go."

I began getting emotional during the song, but I kept going.

Well leave your lover now,
it's your turn.
And see your mother now,
I hope she's okay.
You're bitter in defeat so,
let's not try
To take away all the things so dear in our lives.

I have to break down all the corners of the world.
Don't heap this praise on me,
I know I don't deserve it.
But what's all this I see?
Yeah you're leaving right beside me,
And I miss you, and I need you.
I do.

But don't go, take my love,
I won't let you, I'm saying please don't go.
Don't go, take my love,
I won't let you, I'm saying please don't go.

All of my life,
trying to understand.
All of my life,
trying to hold a hand.

I have to break down all
the corners of this world.
Don't heap this praise on me,
I know I don't deserve it.
But what's all this I see?
Yeah you're leaving right beside me,
And I miss you, and I love you.
That's true."

Strumming the last chords of the song, I couldn't keep it together anymore and set the guitar down before leaving the stage and going back into the kitchen. I could hear a faint applause in the background but that didn't stop me, Jules had followed me even till we ended up outside the back of the restaurant. I broke down crying, sobbing against the brick wall of the building.

"Hudson, c'mon. You need to talk about this, I'm right here." Jules knelt down beside me.

"I'm just miss her so much." I sobbed, sliding down and sitting on a crate. "I miss her so much and I'm just so tired of feeling this way."

"Hudson, just call her." He sighed, watching me.

I shook my head. "I love her, I love her so much and I miss her so much, but she hurt me. Jules, she broke my heart."

"But she's sorry. What else do you want from her? She hasn't gone to work all week, she's just been in bed. She misses you too, she's torn up about this."

I looked up at him, the tears burning my eyes. "How do you know?"

"Amelia told me. I'm your best friend Hudson, but I'm Avery's friend too. I wanted to know how she was doing. Just call her, text her, send her an email, I don't care, just make some sort of contact with her."

I shook my head, "No...not now...I'm not ready."

"Then at least talk to me more often. I'm your friend and want to be able to listen when you want to talk." Jules watched me and sighed.

"I'm just so tired." I closed my eyes, feeling completely drained.

"Well of course you're tired, you've been working nonstop all week. Bro, I'm gonna call you a cab, alright? You're going back to my place." He stood up and took me by my arm, helping me up to my feet. I didn't want to argue, I didn't feel like it, so I just followed him back into the kitchen where the staff continued working but would whisper to each other and make quick glances at me. I grabbed my jacket and readied myself to leave, but couldn't bear to walk through the restaurant again, so Jules walked me around the place to the front where a Gypsy cab was idling.

Jules opened the door and waited for me to climb in. "Now when you get home, go to bed, alright?"

"Yes." I murmured, slowly getting into the backseat.

"Promise?" He looked down at me, making me feel like a child.

"Promise." I half-smiled, leaning into the seat and closing my eyes again. He smiled and gave a laugh before shutting the door. The cabby asked me where I wanted to go, so I gave him the address to Jules' place. When the vehicle began moving and merged into traffic, I pulled my phone out of my pocket and turned it on, seeing I missed a call.

My heart rate picked up speed when I saw that it was from Avery and my stomach was sent into knots when I found that she had left a voicemail. Sitting there I just stared at my phone, hesitation had filled me and kept me from listening to it. I know she's hurting too...and I want her back, so badly.

The cab pulled to the front of Jules' building. I sat on the edge of my seat, taking my time before leaving the cab. After paying the driver, I stepped out and walked up the stoop, slowly going into the place. In his apartment, making my bed on the sofa, I brought my phone out again and took a deep breath.

I held the phone up to my ear and could feel my heart sink when I heard her voice. I could tell she had been crying.

"Hey...um, I just wanted to call and tell you that...that I miss you and love you."

She began crying.

"I'm sorry Hudson. I know I've screwed things up...I'm sorry. I just miss you, more than you'll ever know...I love you. I just...I just wish you were here with me. I need you here with me. And I care about you and I know you're hurt...I love you and I'm sorry. I'm sorry." The voicemail ended.

A tear had managed to escape and ran down my cheek. Lying down on the sofa, I held the phone tightly in my hand, murmuring, "I know you care."

I replayed the message.