Here With Me

April 9th, Tuesday

We got back last night and it was nice to see New York again, although this weekend was pretty much amazing, especially for being my first time in California; I'd definitely go again. Spending the weekend lounging on the beach, getting to hang out with Billie Joe for the day, going to Disneyland and relaxing was the best, but now that we were back in the "real world," I had to focus once again on work.

We had just finished breakfast and I was racing around the apartment gathering up all the papers I called "my work" and the camera and was now looking for my car keys.

"Don't worry Avery, it's 9:30, you're not going to be late. Your appointment is at ten. You have plenty of time. Take my car." Hudson chuckled, waving his keys in front of me. I hesitated, "Are you sure? You never let anyone drive your car."

He rolled his eyes, "Well you've never asked to drive it. I think my wife is very well entitled to drive my BMW. I'll look for your keys and take your car to work today."

"Okay. Thank you." I half-smiled, chastely kissing him before going to the door.

"Avery." He called, so I turned and looked at him. "You're not wearing any shoes."

I looked down at my feet and gave a laugh, "Oh." I awkwardly put on some heels before turning to leave but again he called me. I turned around, getting impatient. "Yeah?"

He smiled. "Everything's gonna be alright, don't worry."

Again I half-smiled, "I hope so."

He could tell that I was nervous, I always am when it comes to going for my annual screening. I mean, for twelve years things have been a-ok, but...I don't know, this time I felt more nervous than usual. And maybe it was just stress, but this morning I was feeling a bit off. Maybe it's just me, but I felt different, and to top it off my levels were higher than usual.

On the drive to the hospital I couldn't help but dwell on this. Ugh, and then work, I have to finish the final draft of the interview and have Jann give the go-ahead on it, and then get the photos to Christian so he can select which pictures make it. I've just been so busy lately, especially when Hudson came back home; I've just been finding it harder to balance time between our life and my work life.

And then Gemma wants me to go dress shopping with her, for her gown and the bridesmaids dresses, which of course I'll go to. And then Jann's birthday party later this month which the whole office has to attend. And then I have to go visit my parents 'cause my mom has been nagging me to come over and especially 'cause my dad misses me.

I'm surprised I made it to the hospital in one piece, with my mind wandering more than usual. After double-checking the locks on the car, I made my way into the building. I checked in and took a seat in the waiting room until I was called into Wagner's office.

He came in and placed an empty specimen cup on his desk, "Hello again, Miss Hudson. I guess I forgot about this appointment, but you're still coming back for a check up again. But as per usual, take the cup, I need a urine sample to take the test, and I'm sure your kidneys will be just fine."

I gave a short laugh and stood up, taking the cup. "Okay."

"And drop it off at the lab and then you can come and sit in here till we get the results." He added as I started to leave. I just nodded, feeling kind of sick.

After awkwardly dropping off the cup at the lab, I went and sat in Wagner's office. To pass the time I checked my phone that had texts of encouragement from Hudson and Gemma, and one obscene joke from Kennedy to make me smile. When there wasn't anything else to look at on my phone, I began flipping through old magazines, like National Geographic.

There was a spread on Japan, Kyoto to be exact. And I couldn't help but sigh as I gazed at the pictures of the beautiful country. When I was 18, I was asked by my high school English teacher where I saw myself in five years. I told him either in Japan or Paris, even India, taking pictures and writing for National Geographic. I know it sounded pretty far-fetched, a twenty-three year old girl from Brooklyn working for National Geographic, and even though it's three months till I'm twenty-three, I don't think I'll ever get to be that girl.

And in no way am I saying that I resent the fact that I work at Rolling Stone or that I'm married and married life changes one's plans, it's just I don't have the same mind-set as I did when I was eighteen. I mean, everyone says that they're going to travel, like backpack through Europe or lounge on a beach in South America or even write in Paris after they get out of school, but things change. And for me, they did.

But I can always go to Japan, or Paris, or India or wherever. On a vacation with Hudson...

Wow, five years ago. What else went on five years ago?...Freshman year of University, I met Kennedy. He was this cute and crazy guy with bleach blonde hair that worked at Starbucks and was my first friend since coming to the city. And then he introduced me to Gemma, the girl he had a crush on. And I'm pretty sure we all know how that story goes. Let's see...and Eric, I met him in October of my freshman year too. He was this gorgeous, blue-eyed, suit wearing man from Wall Street. Handsome, debonair, successful; all the qualities of a suit-wearer from Wall St.

We met at Starbucks while I was there visiting with Kennedy. At first I thought was a stuck-up creep, but he grew on me. The more we got to know each other, the more I fell for him.

He was twenty-six when we started going out, after I finally gave in to his pestering me and his cheesy pickup lines; my parents didn't approve of me going out with someone that much older than me, but I didn't care, I loved him. And thus began that chapter of my life.

And what else...I thought for a moment and then thought of Amelia, how could I forget? We met, a lot longer than five years ago, I think it was grade six. Wow, we've been friends for that long. And now...now we're no longer friends.

The more I thought about it, the worse I felt. I mean, I know it took two of us to break up, but it was over one thing; or rather one person. How could I let a man come between us? I mean, my best friend since we were kids, the girl I told all my secrets to, the one I cried to when Eric would break my heart again and again.

She was there for me always; my first of many tattoos, when I graduated from NYU, when I got an internship with Rolling Stone, when I first started going out with Hudson. And we did everything together, it would literally take the jaws of life to tear us apart. I even remember when we stayed up all night to watch the Royal Wedding, with blue ring pops and champagne and the fake British accents.

All the sleepovers and long talks and karaoke nights, and the brunches and the impromptu drives to Montauk. All gone because of my shallowness.

My heart literally sunk the more I considered everything that I threw away. Who am I? This is not who I saw myself becoming five years ago. Feeling sick to my stomach, I took out my phone, I needed to call Amelia and apologize; and even if she didn't accept it, I understood. I just needed her to at least know that I'm sorry.

Dr. Wagner came into his office, as swiftly as always, with his clipboard in hand as he took a seat at his desk. I sighed as I put away my phone. He stared down at his clipboard for a moment before speaking, making me uneasy already. "Sorry I took so long." He muttered.

I shrugged my shoulders. "Oh, yeah, it's fine, it gave me some time to...think."

"How are you feeling Avery?" He looked up at me and blinked. This was not a look that I was familiar with and it made me nervous.

"Um, I'm okay. I mean, well, I've been more tired than usual. And I was kinda feeling nauseous earlier, but it passed."

"You've also noticed that your blood sugar is higher than usual." He spoke rhetorically. I nodded and stared at him, bracing myself for the worst. My scalp prickled and I swallowed hard, "What's the result?"

He looked at me, "The screening for your kidneys went fine. Nothing was detected and it's all good."

I gave a staggered sigh and furrowed my brow at him, "Then why do you look as if you're about to tell me I have cancer or something?"

He took a moment and breathed deeply. "Avery, your period is late."

I shook my head and continued to watch him, I couldn't fathom it, like, it just wasn't registering for me.

He sighed, "Avery, you're pregnant."

I stared hard at him.

"Wait...what?"