Sad, Beautiful, Tragic

“Mads, it’s time to get up,” a thick raspy voice brought the girl back out of the dreamland she had been so entangled in mere moments before. She groggily wiped the sleep from her eyes and groaned; days like today were her least favorite of all and she was only running on a few hours of sleep from her late night/early morning rendezvous with Alex.

“Do I have to go?” she asked quietly but the despair was more than evident in her voice. Nate, her older brother, offered a sad smile and nodded his head. His hazel eyes showed remorse, the same feeling that they showed one weekend every month for the past seven years that he had to watch his sister go through more than any seventeen year old ever should.

He patted the young girls hand before leaving her room so she could get ready to face the day. Madison exhaled a long sigh and bit her lip in efforts to hold in the tears that instantly pooled in her eyes. She was tired, and she was sick. Oh, was she sick.

Her feet pattered across the carpeted floor of her bedroom and into the conjoining bathroom where she stared at her lifeless face for a while, studying every detail. Her green eyes were dull, empty even. Her hair once thick and unruly was now becoming thin and stringy, and her once olive toned skin was pale even in the middle of summer. She shook her head, tired of seeing the changes her body had made since her health had once again regressed; it shouldn’t come as a surprise to her anymore. That damned disease never seemed to actually go away, it ate at her bones, slowly taking all that she could give and Madison knew that before long she wouldn’t have anything left to give before all of her was taken.

The thoughts plagued her mind as she stood under the warm spray of the shower, washing away last night’s memories and the regrets that she held in her heart and she promised herself that she wouldn’t let herself hurt Alex the way she knew she was hurting everyone else. As the water rinsed the shampoo from her hair she promised herself that she would avoid Alex at all costs, it would be better for him that way. The floral smelling suds twirled down the drain as the water shut off and Madison wrapped the over-fluffy white towel around her frail frame. Water dripped from her hair and collected in a puddle on the tile before she had the chance to wrap a towel around her head. She rung the extra water from her hair and quickly dried it before running a brush through it and pulling it into a high ponytail.

Returning to her room she shed the towel from her body and quickly slipped on her underclothes and shorts. A New Found Glory shirt hung loosely off of her body, though only months ago the shirt clung nicely to the curves she had formed but now those too had begun to disappear. She shook her head in disappointment while sliding on some flip flops and making her way downstairs where Wes was patiently waiting to drive her to the hell she had spent more time in than anyone else she knew.

In the car, Madison rested her head against the cold window and watched the angry raindrops race down the glass surface. The weather perfectly matching her feelings, Nate looked over at his adopted sister; he was thirteen when his family took her in. He didn’t understand back then why they brought some ten year old in when she had a family of her own but in the seven years that she had been living in the room across from his, he grew to love her as if she were actually his own blood relative. He even opted to live at home while in college so that he could be there to take care of her when things got bad again, even he wasn’t naïve enough to think the last remission would last forever.

So here he was once again driving her silently to the hospital where Dr. Lasinksi would jab her with needles and run tests and before long he would come back into the room with a long face and less than hopeful news. Something would be wrong; something was always going to be wrong. Then another prescription would be written out and options, recommendations, would be made and Wes would take it all in as Madison sat numbly on the paper covered hospital bed. It was always the same routine.
Madison lifted her head from the window as the car shut off and the long torturous hospital visit would begin.

She smiled weakly over at Nate as they waited for Dr. Lasinksi to call them back. She knew he hated being there almost as much as she did and she hated knowing how much pain she was causing him and the rest of their family. She secretly prayed that this disease would just take her, just be done with her so she could stop causing pain to everyone around her. Her eyes scanned the room slowly and her heart broke at seeing the children play with blocks. Children with diseases so similar to her own, children that didn’t understand what was happening, that didn’t understand they were dying.

“Nate…” She croaked, the tears she was unable to bite back spilled over and ran down her cheeks like the raindrops raced down the window. Wes pulled the girl into his chest, his arms wrapped protectively around her waist as she clung to him.

“Shhh, it’s okay madibear” he whispered her childhood name into her ear.

“It’ll be okay, it’ll be alright. You’ll be okay...” he murmured, though he knew his words held no weight, nor promise. They were just empty words by now.

“I want to go see my parents, Nate.” Madison choked out and Nate’s grip tightened around her body.
Tears pooled in his own eyes and he forced himself to hold back the sob that lodged itself deep in his throat.

“Don’t you dare, Madison Rose,” his voice was stern. With those words he knew what she was doing, what she was implying.

Madison pushed away from her brother’s embrace, her hands shook and her eyes stayed focused on the ground as she uttered the words that were etched in the back of everyone’s minds,

“I don’t need a doctor to tell me I’m dying, Nate. I can feel it, everyone can see it. J-just please take me to say goodbye. P-please…”

She looked up, her eyes meeting his, begging him to give into her. Begging him to accept what she had already accepted long ago. Nate closed his eyes refusing to accept that the beautiful, talented, seventeen year old girl beside him had accepted such a cynical and morose fate. Refusing to believe that this would be the last battle round, refusing to believe that she was so willing to lie down and let the cancer beat her without an ounce of fight on her end. He refused to let this be her goodbye.

“No.”

Madison’s eyebrows scrunched in confusion “No?”

“God dammit, no. No Madison. Y-you’re too strong to just give up, I can’t let you. I won’t let you.” Nate all but yelled out in exasperation. Madison was taken aback, never once had Nate ever raised his voice at her or really showed much emotion towards the subject, other than sorrow.

“Okay,” Madison agreed to his terms, too tired to put up a fight with him when it came to her life. Nate smiled, and for once Madison felt okay with her decision. She was going to fight the cancer one last time, not because she wanted too but because she didn’t want to let her brother down, she didn’t want to cause him anymore pain and she didn’t want to leave the world with him disappointed in her. So she agreed to fight it and the routine began once again.

The rest of the hospital visit was a blur. There were needles, blood, machines, doctors, clipboards. It was all a blur to Madison, but that was normal for her. After being poked and prodded, having blood drawn and machines hooked up to every inch of her body she was exhausted beyond belief and could hardly care enough to listen to Dr. Lasinski go on about the newest prescription she would be on or the numerous options they had yet to try. She just wanted to go home and sleep. But most of all she wanted to forget.