Train to My Heart

We ate quietly for a few minutes, besides the small: “Please pass the potatoes.” Of course, I knew that could only last for so long. I wouldn’t have minded the chatter… Except, it was chatter about me. It was obviously killing everyone to not ask how I was doing or why I had done what I did.
“So, Kenah, how are you?” Maggie asked to no surprise.

“I’m fine,” I replied the best that I could with my throat still thick with tears. I kept my eyes down, on my food. Of course, Jamie had decided to sit at the seat directly across from the empty seat that had been left for me as I freshened up. I could feel his warm gaze on my forehead and felt as if my skin were boiling. Partially, I wished it was; then I could have melted myself out of their and been free of that wondering gaze.

“College life treating you well? I heard about your job – “

A deep breath turned into an embarrassing, shrieking sob. How could I sit here and being having dinner with my ex and his family? How were we supposed to be having casual small talk as if everything were just fine? Things weren’t fine. My stomach was feeling more and more like a rock for every second that went by, and my eyes hurt from all the squinting that was being done to hold back tears.

“I-I’m sorry; I can’t do this!” I met Amy’s eyes before throwing my linen napkin back onto my plate and escaping to my bedroom that had been left untouched for the past two years.

~~~

The balcony that was an overhang off of my room had always been my favorite place to think. It always had been but was now also part of my most sinister memories. Somehow, after all of the pain that I had felt because of Jamie, I had chosen to stand out here in the cold and think. There was snow on the railing and on the ground – unlike the usual monstrous shoveling jobs I had done before – but I was already numb. There was nowhere I could look that didn’t remind me of our first Christmas together.

It was a complete winter wonderland out today. Still, Jamie and I lay on the lawn chair that I dragged up onto the balcony that summer. There was a faint recognition that I should be freezing, but I was too wrapped up in his arms to remember the cold. His lips touched mine and then caressed their way down my jaw and to my neck, making an unusual warmth course through my veins as I wrapped my arms tighter around his body.

“Jamie?” I asked as he nibbled on my neck.

“Yes, sweetheart?” He kissed trails back up to my lips.

“What do you want for Christmas?” I asked, feeling slightly stupid and turning my eyes away from
his.

“Babe, there’s only one thing in the entire world: you!”

I groaned. “Jamie! That’s completely cliché! And you already have that.” I sat up but was pulled back down by his embrace.

“Then I guess I have everything I need.” He kissed me. “I love you, Kenah!” I felt like I was floating…

That night we had spent the night home alone together, wrapped up in each other’s love and embrace. We did things that I knew were wrong for a freshman in high school to be doing, but I didn’t regret any of it. As long as Jamie Noble was with me, I didn’t care. I was ready to spend the rest of my life wrapped up in his warm embrace.

~~~

“Hey,” I heard the familiar voice behind me.

I didn’t know what the best thing to say would be, so instead I remained silent and hugged my arms around my body as the cold finally got to me.

“I’m sorry. I know that I’m probably the last person you want to talk to right now, but we need to do this. It’s me who’s causing you all of this pain and I can’t stand it. I’ve never been able to stand it when you cry – hell, I never was very good at comforting you – but I simply hate it. I hate being the reason that you cry.” He walked up to the balcony and looked out over the backyard. “Man, this used to be my favorite place in the entire world.”

“Mine too!” I sobbed, wiping away my tears with the back of my hand like a little kid.

“How could you really think it?” He asked, and I could hear his own pain in his voice.

“Think what?” I looked at him. He was already studying me, looking at me with bewilderment as if I had just stabbed him.

“Jenna told me… about overhearing the phone call – that you honestly think that I could go away to a college and just forget how much I was in love with you. How could you think that I would cheat on you? Did you remember all of the times that I said I loved you. I’m not a jackass – I meant it…every single time!” He grabbed my wrist and something inside of me made a move to pull away, but I couldn’t gather the strength to actually do it. “I still do…”

We stood there in silence for a few minutes as he intertwined his fingers into mine like he had done so many times before, and I relished the feeling of his hand back in the place that it belonged.
His thumb started rubbing circles on the back of my hand before he laughed. “You’re too stubborn,” he teased. “I don’t want to hurt you anymore. If that means that you feel you’re better off without me, I’ll do it – to make you happy.”

I sighed after a moment of pondering whether I really wanted to know his truth or not. “What was the phone call about, Jamie Noble?”

He brought his lips to my ear and whispered, “I never wanted things to end up this way. God, I had everything perfect and I ended up being too careful. I would never cheat on you. That phone call, it wasn’t some girl – well, it was a girl, but not that kind of girl.” He stopped and laughed.

I pulled my face away from his sweet voice to be able to look into his eyes. “Then what was it?” I turned away from him. I knew him so well – I knew his childish games that he liked to prolong things when he knew more than I did. I also knew that if I were facing his intoxication any longer, I was going to fall back into his arms and never let go. Indeed, I planned on doing that at the moment, but not until this whole mess was figured out.

“It was the jewelry store. Zoe was calling to let me know that it was ready.” I turned around. He was on one knee with a box in his hand. “I have to finish what I was too chicken to do two years ago, baby… Will you, Kenah Nicole Britto, marry me?”

I started crying all over again, but leapt into his arms to bring his lips to mine. We fell over into the snow pile and kissed.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I was so stupid and was too afraid to ask you about it.” I apologized, while cuddling onto his chest.

“It doesn’t matter. We have all of the time in the world to make up for it!” He pushed me off of his chest, into the snow, and climbed on top of me for a long kiss.

“I’m happy…that we found each other again… on the train.” I said, after I had caught my breath. “I love you, Jamie!”

“I love you too.” And we kissed again as I twirled the new engagement ring on my finger….