Draco Malfoy's Dirty Little Secret

Seeing Draco on Saturday was all that was keeping me from breaking down. I mean, he didn’t even talk to me the whole three days in between. It was the days that were filled with heart ache. I needed to know what was going through his mind when he told me that he needed some space that he needed to think about us. What was there to think about? He told me he loved me, and I said the same back to him. It must’ve been something that Snape had said to him. I mean, he didn’t have a change of mind until after he came out of his office. What business was it of Snape’s anyway? Draco and I are definitely not his business. That’s just between me and him, and no one else.

“Are you okay, Court?”

I looked up from the fire that I had been staring into. I was sitting on the couch in the common room, thinking about Draco. I had no idea that someone would approach me. I had no idea that I was letting my feelings show that much.

“Harry,” I said, taking him in as he sat down next to me. “I didn’t think you cared anymore.”

He looked at me like I had lost my head. I didn’t though; lose my head I mean, because it wasn’t that far off to think that. The way he cut me down a few weeks ago or when he acted like I couldn’t be trusted. It just seemed clear to me that we weren’t as close as we used to be.

“Me not care about you? Are you barking mad, Court? How could I ever not care about a friend who helped me through so many things that I couldn’t do on my own? I could never not care about you,” he said, patting my knee. “So, now that we have that established, what’s wrong?”

I didn’t know if I could believe him. I mean, I used to be able to. Could I still? I had no idea, but that didn’t stop me from spilling out everything anyway. I even told him about the night that Draco and I almost…you know. It was just like old times. We used to tell each other everything. Well, not everything. That used to be Ron and I that close. This year, as you can tell, he had gone completely mental. Anyway, back to Harry. He just soaked up everything that I had said. When I was finished, I waited for a response. I expected one like the other day that Draco’s all bad and he’ll break my heart. I expected an ‘I told you so’ to fall right out of his mouth, but to my surprise, he didn’t.

“How can you be so sure he’s the one, when he’s hurt you more than once? I mean, you’re a very,” he cleared his throat and I could swear that his cheeks were turning a bit pink, “beautiful person with a g-great personan-personality. Why would he want to get rid of that?”

I couldn’t help but smirk. “You think I’m beautiful?”

“He’d be eating Merlin’s beard if he thought differently, just stark raving mad,” Ron had appeared just at the wrong moment and this time without Lavender.

I rolled my eyes. “Thanks for listening, Harry,” I kissed him on the cheek. “If you ever need the same, I’m here for you.”

He smiled up at me as I walked towards the girls’ dorms. Ron’s mouth was hanging open. I heard Harry ask him if he was trying to catch flies. I guess he’s a little jealous that I kissed Harry, but it was just on the cheek. It was more of a friendly gesture than anything. Besides, I wonder what he would do if he knew that Kamrynn was actually the jealous one. It’s hard to say. He’s so dumb that at times you have no idea what he’s actually thinking.

“Court!” called Kamrynn out of her dorm.

I hadn’t seen her that much that week. I tried to find her, but it just wasn’t possible outside of class. I think she’s been spending all her time with Blaise, who would be her chosen topic of conversation for her whenever anyone talked to her.

“Hey, I haven’t seen you all week,” I told her as she motioned for me to come into her dorm. Hermione must’ve been somewhere else, or she would’ve invited me in.

“I know,” she said, closing the door behind us. “I have so much to tell you. Where have you been all week?”

I sat down on her bed. “I could ask you the same thing. I’ve tried looking for you, but I just assumed that you were with Blaise all week.”

“Your guess would be correct,” she replied happily, bouncing onto the bed. “He’s just so perfect, perhaps too perfect. He just makes me feel like no other guy has ever made me feel. He could be the one.”

“Oh, really?” I smirked. “What about Ronald? Giving up on him so soon, are you?”

She rolled her eyes. “I don’t think that he’s ever seen me in that way. At times, it feels like he doesn’t see me at all. I don’t think that he could ever make me feel like Blaise has. I haven’t been able to sleep since I’ve met him, and I don’t even think about eating unless he’s placing the food in front of me.”

I laughed. “Well, then he’s totally the one.”

“I’m being serious here, Court. I think I’m in love with him.”

I smiled at her. She had never acted like this before, so why would I have any doubts that she’s in love? This brought me back to Draco. Did I ever go a night without sleeping since we started this whole thing? Yes, I’ve actually been sleeping the whole night through, but Lavender doesn’t bother me anymore. Even when she called me ‘Bestie’. Did I ever not eat? No, I’ve always ate but he seemed to bring out my hunger more and more. Did this mean that I wasn’t in love?

“Courtney? Are you okay?” she prodded me in the arm with her finger.

I swallowed hard. “Do I seem in love to you?” I blurted out.

“As a matter of fact, yes,” she answered without even hesitating. “Ever since you and Draco got smashed together in History of Magic, you seem a lot happier. I vote yes for him. You guys are perfect for each other, even though I haven’t actually seen you two together. He’s perfect for you because he makes you smile. Did Fred ever do that? Not really. He made you happy when he was there, but when he wasn’t around you weren’t filled with the bliss you’re so obviously carrying around with you all the time now. Although, there seems to be something wrong. You’re not as happy today.”

I told her everything that happened. I told her everything that I told Harry. She seemed to be ecstatic about it up until the last part where he told me that he needed space. She seemed as hurt as I was.

“How can he say that after everything? I bet it was Snape too. He just seems like the type to tear down love when he has absolutely none at all. Gosh,” she crossed her arms. “I officially hate Snape. I’ve been on the borderline all these years because of his greasy hair and much-too-large nose, but this is the final straw. He can’t take something so perfect and just make it disappear. Draco loves you, and you can’t let that go.”

I nodded. “I know,” I looked at my watch. “I’m actually fifteen minutes late meeting him. I’ve got to go.”

“You have to get some answers out of him, Court. Don’t let this meeting go to waste. Find out what he meant and be sure to tell Snape to shove it when you see him next,” she giggled to herself. “Good luck! Tell me everything that happens!”

“Will do. Catch you later!”

As I ran up to my dorm to grab my bag, I thought about what Harry said and what Kamrynn said. Harry didn’t think that we were meant to be, but Kam thought we did. I was so confused, mostly by Draco’s words, which were also swimming through my head. I just didn’t know what to do. I then decided that I wouldn’t decide until after I talked to Draco.

“You’re late,” he spat as I sat down across from him in the library. “Why?”

I shrugged. “You’re late all the time. Why can’t I be late just once?”

“I just thought you’d be the one to want to get this over and done with. Let’s just get to work,” he took my bag from me and pulled out everything we needed.

We had worked on it for about forty-five minutes when I couldn’t hold back any longer. I needed to know. His answers would make me realize if I should try anymore when it came to him. I wanted us to continue, to make things official. I was so in love with him, but he was making it very difficult.

“Draco,” I said, grabbing his attention. “We need to talk.”

“About what? Everything that was needed to be said has been said. There’s nothing left to discuss,” he said, looking back down at the paper.

I shook my head. “No, there’s plenty to talk about. Why do you need space?”

He didn’t answer me, but rather picked up the quill and started writing. Now wasn’t the time to work on the damn essay. We had to talk it out, so I took the parchment from him causing him to slur whatever it was he was writing.

“What’s your problem?” he asked, obviously irritated.

“You,” I yelled. “You are my problem. You obviously haven’t considered my feelings in all of this, have you? I need to know at least why you’re changing your mind all of a sudden. What did Snape say to you?”

“That really isn’t any of your business. As I said, I need space. I need time to think then I’ll answer your fucking questions when I’m good and ready. Do you hear or are you deaf? I think this time it’s pretty clear. Just stop with the third degree.”

I needed to know what was going through his head. He needed to answer the questions that I left hanging out there. I know this was only supposed to be a study session, but he just left me the other night without an explanation, and I think I deserve to hear one. I mean, if he told me he loved me, I think I should know why we shouldn’t be together.

“Draco,” I whispered barely loud enough for him to hear. “Is this all for nothing? Are we really not going to be together? Because, in all seriousness, I still love you. I believe that I always will, but I think I at least need to know the reasons behind why you’re doing this, why you’re distancing yourself away from me. I’m not stupid, Draco. Please tell me.”

He didn’t say anything but just stared into my eyes. His grey ones weren’t as vibrant as they had been last Tuesday. What was going on with him? He needed to tell me because if so, we were totally done with everything. I would talk to Binns and get a different partner like I should’ve from the beginning.

“Court,” he said, reaching for my hand, which I pulled away. “I can’t possibly begin to tell you anything until I figure some things out.”

“How long?” I snapped.

He sighed. “I have no idea.”

I was angry. I came here for answers and got absolutely nothing. Why couldn’t he tell me what was going on in his life? I could understand anything. He just needed to realize that. I wasn’t about to stay while he figured it out. I grabbed my things and shoved them in my bag, which I threw over my shoulder.

“Where are you going?” he asked.

“You want space,” I spat back. “You’ve got it. I won’t be bothering you anymore. I’m not going to just sit here and wait for you. I’ve got a life to live, and you know what? There’s plenty of fish in the sea. I don’t need you. I don’t need you to play me anymore.”

With that, I walked out of the library just as the librarian rushed over to kick us out. My walking turned into running as tears started to fall. I stopped outside the Fat Lady, where I fell to the floor and sobbed. Harry was right. How could I have possible thought he was the one when he hurts me like this? Draco flashed through my head. He was enjoying himself. He was telling me he loved me. Was it all just a lie? Days like that make me feel that we would work, that we would finally get it right after all those years of fighting and silence. I felt like a bad joke. Was I finally waking up from a bad dream? Should I forget about it? I don’t think I ever could, especially when he makes me want to pull out my fucking hair.