Even Without Words

Kellin
I sat in my room and pretty much cried for a while until I started having a panic attack. They probably all hate me. I’m not going to have any friends here. I’m going to be alone. And it’s already too late to leave. I pretty much rocked back and forth with my knees hugged to my chest until I heard someone gasp.
“Oh my god, Kellin are you okay?!” Vic asked, sounding genuinely concerned. I haven’t even been here one day and I was already having a panic attack in my room and the gorgeous guy I was sharing it with was going to think I’m crazy. I didn’t even answer him but just started trying to get more oxygen into my system. The next thing I knew, I felt two strong arms around me and I knew it was Vic. He started whispering things to me and there was just something so comforting about being in his arms that managed to calm me down, even a little. It’s too bad I realised that this meant nothing to him and started balling all over again.
I just sat there in a ball, letting Vic hug me while I tried to calm down and failed for about an hour. Once I finally stopped, Vic didn’t let me go. He only leaned back a little to look down at me with those stunning brown eyes.
“Are you okay now?” He asked me, concern filling his eyes. I shook my head and reached for notebook.
I have anxiety attacks a lot. Vic just hugged me tightly and starting singing something that sounded like Spanish. I just leaned against him and let him hold me. I wanted this so badly, just to be with him like this without it being because I had an anxiety attack. I wanted him to like me back as more than a friend. Eventually I calmed down and we decided to go get some lunch from the dining hall.
I didn’t eat a lot anyways so for lunch I just grabbed a water and an apple before following Vic to his table with his friends. Jaime apologized to me and I just smiled a little and nodded at him before biting into my apple. I got along with them fine, Vic had really cool friends. They all had a little band together which I thought was cool and wrote it on the paper before sliding it to Mike across the table. They passed it around and smiled widely.
“Maybe you should come to one of our practices,” Tony said and I nodded,
After lunch, the guys decided to play soccer against some of the other guys that they were friends with. The four other guys we quite the loud bunch. There was Jesse, the redhead who always was making jokes. Jack and Gabe were both pretty nerdy and I found out that they were dating. They were freaking adorable, it was hilarious. Maybe they could help me out. I took a particular liking to Gabe since he was a little more serious that Jack was. Jack was just… nuts? He was more than a little flamboyant to say the least. Lastly there was Justin who made way to many sexual jokes that I laughed at despite how hard I was trying not to. The boys were just goofing off when Gabe came and sat with me on the hill.
“So where are you originally from?” Gabe asked me. I scribbled Michigan down in my notebook. “That’s cool. How are you liking it here in San Diego?”
Gabe and I talked about random stuff until he brought up the gay thing.
“You know, it’s nice to finally find someone else who isn’t a raging homophobe around here,” Gabe laughed just as Jack looked over and winked at his boyfriend.
Dude, have you not noticed I’m one of you? I wrote down quickly and Gabe just laughed again.
“Jack kind of called that one but I told him not to jump to conclusions,” Gabe told me. “Good to know though.”
Gabe was a cool guy, I knew we were going to be friends. Jack was also really funny. I really liked them all actually. It was a weird thing to finally be making friends, since everyone usually thought I was a freak. We all hung around outside until dinner when we all walked over to the dining hall together. I found out that they had usual tables. Since there wasn’t any table in the hall big enough for nine people we had two tables beside each other and Vic pulled up an extra chair to our table and sat on the end by me.
“For not talking, you’re making friends pretty quickly,” Vic joked and grinned at me. It put butterflies in my stomach. I nodded and smiled a little, picking at the fries I’d gotten. I noticed Vic staring at me so I wrote in my notebook.
What?
“I was just wondering how you manage to eat so little,” He said. I knew he was really just trying to figure out if I was anorexic. I shook my head a little as I scribbled.
I’m just not really ever that hungry. Vic just nodded a little and dug into the mountain of food in front of him. Everyone here seemed to eat a lot but then again we were all supposed to be ‘growing boys’. I was grateful that Vic didn’t ask any more questions that night. After dinner, which was served at seven by the way, some of us decided to watch a movie on one of the tvs that was miraculously free. A couple of the guys went upstairs to do projects or whatever but Jack, Gabe, Vic, myself, Jaime and Jesse stayed to watch something.
I stayed quiet and let them pick whatever they wanted, I didn’t really care. It’s too bad that I didn’t care enough sooner because I realised about two minutes into the movie that it was horror. I pulled my knees up to my chest and tried not to pay attention to the movie but it just wasn’t working. About halfway through I got really scared and Vic must’ve noticed.
“Hey are you okay Kellin?” he asked me quietly. I just shook my head and Vic patted the spot beside him. “It’s not so scary if you’re with someone else, come here.”
I don’t know why I did but I took Vic up on his offer and ended up hiding my face in his shoulder during the particularly scary parts. I felt his arm drape over me and I did feel a little better. But it was probably also because I was cuddling with a super cute guy who is also one of the nicest people I’ve ever met. I knew I was going to regret watching this later though.