Burn

Harry ran a hand over his face, sighing in anger and hitting his hand on the wall, but not very hard. Rae’s blue-green eyes were staring up at him in wonder. They were drunk, but understanding eyes, still beautiful even in the dim light. And it was hard for him to look at her without going a little crazy.

It was true enough, what he had said. He hadn’t wanted to admit it, especially out loud. Hearing the words leave his mouth frustrated him to no end, to say the truth that he had known: Rae made him strong in every way that he needed, but made him weak in every way he had never known.

Rae gave Harry strength to think that maybe he was better than his drinking, she gave him strength to try and tame the anger that so often took control of his mind. But she made him weak because he had never wanted to protect someone. Rae made Harry weak in that he always wanted to be with her, to make her happy at whatever cost. She also made him a bit weak in the knees.

When Liam had poked fun at Harry, he had become enraged not because what Liam said was rude, or because Rae embarrassed him. He was mad because never in his life had a girl meant something to him, especially in the way that she did. And it drove him insane, that she had changed him without really trying.

Leaning against the wall, Harry pressed his back flat against it. his fingers ran through his curls as he tried to figure himself out. She made everything so fucking complicated but so worth it. It was driving him absolutely bonkers. He wasn’t sure how much of the insanity he could take.

“I…” her voice was very soft, very melodic as she trailed off, unaware of what to say. He glanced at her from where he leaned against the wall. The smell of city and cars driving by were surrounding them. “I never want to make you feel weak. Ever.”

“You don’t, at least, not in anyway that matters.”

She nodded, chewing on her lip. She did that whenever she didn’t know what to say, he had noticed. She also did it when she was stressed, which she assumed was a little bit of both. Guilt crept into him, when he realized how stressful her life had been the past few weeks. Not only had she experienced the pains of the trial with him, but there was also that silence between her and her father. “Can we go back inside?”

Her tone was fragile, so he gave her a gentle smile, nodding and placing his hand on the small of his back. “Yeah, we can go back inside.”

Once back inside, Harry gave a small smile to their group of friends and dipped his head in apologies to Liam. The other boy nodded back, understanding perfectly. Trystan dipped her head and was murmuring something to Rae, who just shook her head. Sam raised a brow and said nothing.

The rest of the night continued on in a more silent, but not tense manner. Everyone was delicate to avoid anything to do with Harry and Rae’s relationship, which both pleased and annoyed him. He didn’t want them to feel like he was a ticking time bomb, but he also knew he had brought that upon himself.

After a few minutes of being back in at the table, Rae had ordered another drink. Harry had said nothing about it, knowing he himself felt like he could use a damn drink. But he refrained, knowing himself well enough to understand that if he drank, it would only get worse.

As the night came to a close, they took a taxi home. Harry murmured quietly for Rae to come back home with her, and she was so drunk that she hadn’t even replied. She simply gave him a grin and planted a sloppy kiss on his cheek. He knew that she was going to be quite interesting tonight.

Home and upstairs, Harry took out clothes for Rae to sleep in, bringing them to where she sat, swaying back and forth on the bed. It had only been a few months ago that he was the one who would sit on her bed and sway, drunk and stupid. Now she gave him a grin, pulling off her shirt easily.

Harry froze, watching as she undressed unsteadily. Her movements were fluid, but she had never just taken her clothes of like that in front of him. her body was very beautiful, her stomach toned, her hips curvy and her skin flawless. Rae saw him staring and gave him a lazy grin, straightening. “Stare, much?”

He shook his head, trying to expel the thoughts swirling in his mind. She was just so god damn beautiful, and the fact that there was a lust lit in her eyes didn’t help. “Just get dressed, Rae.”

She pouted, walking up to him and lacing her hands around his neck. He could smell her; like flowers and alcohol as she placed a kiss on his neck, making him shiver and close his eyes for a minute. “What if I don’t want to?”

Rae stood on her tiptoes and planted a kiss on his lips, pulling at his bottom lip. Automatically he responded, kissing her back deeply and pulled her waist towards him, his hands tight on her skin. But just when it was getting heated he pulled away from her, shaking his head. “Put clothes on, Rae.”

She stood, stunned. “You don’t want to?”

“God, of course I do,” he groaned, turning his back to her and running his hands through his hair. She had absolutely no idea how many times he fantasized about it. And she was not making it any easier for him to do the right thing, and he genuinely needed too. “You have no idea how much I want to. But not like this, not when you’ve been drinking so much.”

“Why?”

Her tone was dejected and he turned around. There were tears in her eyes for the second time that night. He was just screwing everything up repeatedly. He quickly walked to her, taking her face in his hands and cradling it gently. Her big eyes looked at his. “Because you’re not like the others, Rae. I don’t want it to be the same way, alright? If I’m going to be different with you, if I’m going to be committed to you, I want to do everything differently, understand?”

She sniffed a bit. “I guess.”

“Rae,” he said sternly, making her quiet slightly. He did not break eye contact, which was something he never did with a girl. “You are the one thing in life I want to do different, understand? You are my game changer.”

Harry brushed his lips against hers gently. It still confounded him that he could be so gentle with her, that he could want to be so kind. It wasn’t that she was delicate- she was anything but. It was the fact that he was always so rough with everything else, and it was a nice change. “I’m tired,” she finally said, and she certainly sounded it. Harry picked up the large shirt and small sweatpants, dangling it in front of her again. “Okay.”

Quietly, she slipped the clothes on and crawled into the bed after Harry. For a moment she lay flat on her back, staring at the ceiling before he chuckled lightly, reaching across the mattress and pulling her to him by the waist. She laughed lightly, the sound like music to his ears. Rolling on his side, he held her to him tightly, his hands encircling her middle and her back pressed to his chest. He loved the way she fit the curve of his body.

It had never occurred to the boy, that two people could be made for one another. He never really believed in love, and he certainly never believed in soul mates. But listening to her light breathing, and feeling the heat of her through his shirt against him, he could not help but find it shocking and beautiful that someone could fit everything he needed just as easily as her body fit to his. It was like she was carved from heaven, just to lay at his side.

After a time, her breathing didn’t even out, which signaled she was still awake. Harry always waited for her to fall asleep before he could sleep peacefully. Sighing, he asked quietly, “Why aren’t you sleeping?”

“Just thinking about dad,” she admit quietly, shrugging her shoulders a little bit. He felt bad. It still bothered him greatly that she wasn’t speaking to her father because she would rather be in a relationship with him. She was one of the few people he knew with a good parent. “It’s just a lot to think about.”

“She’s a good girl, loves her momma,” Harry sang very quietly, his voice low and raspy. Rae stiffened for a moment before relaxing, father than she had been before. “Loves Jesus and America too. She’s a good girl, crazy about Elvis, loves horses and her boyfriend too, yeah.”

The boy sang quietly until Rae’s breathing leveled out into deep, consistent breaths. He wasn’t sure how he knew she would fall asleep to his singing, but it made him smile tiredly as he let his own eyes fall shut. Rae had never heard him sing before and for a moment he had been nervous. But when she relaxed all the way, he knew that it was working.

And thus they fell asleep, the room enveloped in silence as they lay wrapped around one another. For the first time in a long while, everything about the two young lovers was peaceful and silent.

*

A sound woke Harry that morning. He was unsure of what it was, and was going to fall back asleep when he rolled, feeling the empty space next to him. Puzzled, he cracked an eye open, seeing the bed next to him was empty. It was very unusual for Rae to slip out of bed.

The noise came again and he realized it sounded like choking, of sorts. That’s when he realized it was coming from the bathroom and he launched himself out of bed, darting to the bathroom and opening the door, his suspicions confirmed.

Rae picked up her head, looking at him with an utterly miserable expression on her face. She was pale and very sweaty, the color drained from her eyes as she clung to the porcelain like her entire life depending on holding on to it.

“Not a word,” she croaked, pointing and accusatory finger at him. Harry realized he was on the verge of giggling good-naturedly. Everything about Rae screamed hangover, and it was both amusing and worrisome. “I hate drinking.”

“I’ll get you a water and some blankets, yeah?”

She gave him a thumbs up, hanging her head in the toilet bowl, practically drenching her tied up hair in the water. Harry shook his head and quickly got a glass of water, some Advil and blankets, returning to the bathroom to wrap the blanket around himself. He then sat behind her, wrapping them both in the blanket and rubbing her back. “Thank you.”

Harry was preparing a response when she tensed and leaned her head in deeper. Harry rubbed her back soothingly, whispering calming words as Rae coughed and retched into the toilet. It actually scared him, how hard she convulsed. He could feel every single muscle in her body coil, and when she was done, they relaxed, so tired and weak. “At least you’re not one of those birds who cry when they do it.”

She laughed ruefully, her voice scratched and broken as she hit the flush button. Drinking a few sips, she leaned back into him and he pressed a kiss to the back of her head. “Crying isn’t going to fix a hangover, so why would I cry?”

A chuckle escaped his lips. This girl. He just didn’t understand how her thinking could be so logical and blunt sometimes. He swore that she thought differently than any other person in the world. It was hard for him to figure it out, but it was one of his favorite things about her.

They sit there for hours, talking aimlessly as Rae waited out the sickness. It wasn’t long before she was able to hold down water. When she felt like she was okay, Harry lifted her lightly and carried her all the way down stairs, ignoring her jokes about him being prince charming.

On the couch, she rested in his lap tiredly, watching reruns of Friends. He knew that it made her feel better, and he did not want to admit that the TV show was just as much his favorite as it was hers. Honestly, anything she liked would have been his favorite thing in the world, as long as it made her smile. As long as he could hear her laugh.

Every single thing that girl did was beautiful to him, in the most profound ways. When she opened her eyes, it was like seeing the sun break the horizon at sunrise. When she laughed, it was like listening to the fluttering wings of angels. When she smiled, it was like watching lightning crack across the sky in, unique and beautiful.

Rae Bastian was everything Harry ever thought was beautiful. She was everything he thought he would never find, and she was everything that he thought did not exist. She was a walking myth to him, and he never wanted to give her up. He wanted to keep her forever, and he would never lose him.

But there was a single thing in the back of his mind, as he thought of this wonder. Everything comes at a high cost. And the worst things in life come free to us.