If These Sheets Were States

Having finished their hot drinks, Bella walked her and Alex through to her bedroom. She'd explained to him that she just wanted to sit somewhere that was comfortable. She didn't want to be in that room when she told him everything, but she didn't tell him that. It always felt like someone was watching her in there. Both Alex and Bella sat on her bed, facing each other, Alex holding both of Bella's arms in front of her.

"Are you ready?" Alex whispered softly.

"I don't think I'll ever be ready." She smiled glumly, knowing it was true. Alex moved a strand of hair from her face and put his hand under her chin. He tilted her head up to look at him properly.

"Go."

Bella took a deep breath and let it out.

"This is gonna be long, I'm telling you."

"Stop procrastinating, just tell me."

Bella shut her eyes and thought of how to word everything that was in her head. She knew everything she wanted to say and in what order, but it was like all of the words were on a race track, waiting for the gunshot to signal that it was okay to start running. Bella took another deep breath, and as she blew it out, it all came flooding back. Except, she didn't feel like she was drowning.

"Okay. When I was a child, my Dad always used to make digs at me. It doesn't sound like a lot but he would insult me at least once or twice a day, if not more. He would call me fat, he would call me an idiot if I did the littlest thing wrong. Sometimes, when he'd had a bad day at work, he would come into Mumma's bedroom and hit me, because I would be there having a cuddle with her and he'd want to basically just fuck her until all of the anger had left him. Well, one day, he left. I still don't know where he is to this day and before you even say anything, I don't want to know. He's gone from my life and I don't care anymore. But he left. And that's when everything changed. Mumma didn't blame me for it at first, she said she was glad he was gone. But then I would come home from school and she would be drunk. I'd wake up in the morning and get ready to go to school and she would be lying in the bathroom in a puddle of her own puke. I'd walk into her bedroom when she was out getting drunk, and there would be dozens of empty pill packets everywhere. I hit her once. I say hit, pretty much punch. I nearly knocked her lights out. She was winding me up about driving and making me feel like shit. I can't even remember why right now but she just slapped me and I got angry. And I punched her back. I didn't mean to but it just happened. She egged me on for ages and wouldn't let me out of the room and it just happened and I felt so bad but so much better at the same time. She beat me up, all the time. She never knew about the self-harm. It would have given her more reason to throw an extra punch here and there. All this crap happened, with the drinking and the drugs and the overdosing. Then one day I came home from school and she'd.. cut herself. There were marks all up and down on her arm, and a knife out on the kitchen table. But she'd passed out drunk so I took the knife away and threw it out the next day on my way to school. She flipped. I came home again and we argued. I came out into the kitchen and she was standing there with another knife. A bigger knife. A sharper knife. She told me she would "do what she had to do in front of me". I basically dared her. I called her an attention seeker. I told her all I ever did was try to care for her. She flipped. I ran out. She killed herself. I found her. End."

Bella found herself smothered in tears, found herself not being able to form proper sentences. She couldn't breathe, she couldn't talk, all she could do was sit there and think of everything that had ever happened.

"No. Not the end. Carry on." Alex said as his voice wavered slightly, his grip as tight as ever on Bella's hands.

"I blame myself every fucking day, because I'm the one who walked out on her. It was me. It was my fault. I pushed her, I know I did. And that's why I deserve every single fucking stupid mark on me. I don't care, Alex. I fucking hate myself. If I'd have stayed in the room, she wouldn't have done it. She'd still be here. She'd be alive." The tears fell faster. "But she's not here. She's dead. She fucking died in that kitchen. I've had to replace everything in there because I needed to just start again, but there was nowhere for me to go. My Aunt came to live with me until I was old enough to stay here on my own, and it took a lot to convince the fucking Council that I was able to."

"How old are you now?"

"Eighteen."

"How long ago did.. that.. happen to your Mother?"

"Two years ago."

"Fuck."

"Yeah."

"I really don't know what to say, Bella. I'm taken aback. I really am. For once, I'm speechless. Fuck."

Bella's lips curved slightly through the tears. She pulled her hands away to wipe her cheeks and her eyes, finally clearing her eyesight. She looked up to see Alex sitting there, his arms open wide, as he motioned for her to come towards him. Bella crawled across the bed and closed the distance between them, allowing him to wrap himself around her. She laid down and bit her sleeve. Alex tightened his grip.

- - - - - o - - - - -

"Fuck." Alex thought. "I really don't know what to say here."

Alex held Bella tight, understanding that she had been through so much shit. He played with her hair, stroking it and twirling it round his fingers. He stared into space. He leant his head down level with Bella's ear. "It's not your fault, beautiful. None of it was ever your fault. You did nothing wrong and you need to start believing that. I refuse to let you go on thinking that you were in the wrong." He whispered gently into her ear.

Bella sobbed against Alex's chest as he pulled her closer into him. Alex rested his head on top of Bella's and kissed the top of her head. He listened carefully as she went completely silent, all but the silent snore that was a result of the cold that must be developing from the rain. He gave a small smile and carried on stroking her hair.

- - - - - o - - - - -

For the first time since the day her Father left, Bella felt safe as she snuggled close into Alex, letting herself fall asleep cuddled up to his chest, enjoying the feeling of the slight tug on her hair every time he found a small knot and fiddled with it to get rid of it. Bella soon found herself asleep, feeling free and rid of harm.