We Only Breathe For So Long

Where else would I want to be? Anywhere but here.

After John spoke and when the bistro came into sight, I didn’t take one step further. I couldn’t. My system had shut down completely and the only thing functioning was my brain. Thoughts, horrifying thoughts didn’t stop running through my mind. As much as I wished I could open my head and take my brain out to prevent myself from the physical and emotional pain, I couldn’t. I didn’t move one inch of my body. Right now, the word impossible sounded pretty possible.

Before my eyes laid a bistro. It had a small façade but through the transparent windows you could see that it was quite big inside. The walls were a shade of beige and the windows were black. The main door was opened and a lady stood by it, holding multiple menus. The place was full. It was cold today and most people wanted to be inside because of the heat but that didn’t stop people from eating there. There were people eating outside where a few tables were allocated. It looked just like it. I couldn’t believe it. Through the corner of my eye I could see John still walking towards it, thinking that I was right behind him. But I wasn’t. Instead, I was trapped in the pavement of the street opposite to this replica of my nightmares. Breathing suddenly became hard. On the road, there were many cars parked and people walking. Cars kept coming non-stop and I was expecting someone to be hit, to be thrown off of the street and mutilated to pieces by a car filled with velocity and force. But that never happened.

John seemed to be talking to himself since the person he was addressing to wasn’t beside him. He then looked at the spot where I was earlier on - an inch behind his shoulders – he realized I wasn’t beside him. He frantically looked around, searching for me from the east to the west. He looked south, towards the car and his eyes fell on me. He could see me clearly despite the distance. He had concert all over his eyes. He ran my way, not caring to look if any cars were coming towards him. He ran as fast as he could. As he got closer to me, he was out of breath.

“Kylie?” His voice echoed through my mind. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know if he should say something or comfort me somehow. He moved his hands to touch me or hug me but he stopped half way. He realized how fragile I was in that moment.

I wanted to say something. Anything. I wanted to tell him that I was fine. All I could do was open my mouth but no sound would come out of it. My vocal chords refused to vibrate. I could feel the raspy cold air entering my lungs and the tears running down my face as if it were a running marathon.

“Kylie? Kylie, Kylie…” John’s voice slowly drifted away and I felt like something was pulling me.

Suddenly everything went pitch black.

”Let’s go to that new bistro in town Philip. I heard it is absolutely marvelous!”

“We always go to Abbey’s restaurant on Saturdays. You know how much Kylie loves that place.”

Darkness blinded me. All I could hear were voices.

“We can’t be stuck in a routine! We have to try something new. Kylie, what would you like to eat: prawns or pasta?”

I tried to reply so this time I could’ve said the right answer. I screamed to nothingness, pleading this darkness that covered me to allow my voice to be heard.

“Pasta!”

“Two against one Phillip. We can always go to Abbey next Saturday.”

“NO! No, please don’t go! Let’s go to Abby, please!”

“You girls are hard to deal with! Fine, we’ll go to the bistro then.”

“Don’t, please don’t Dad.” I pleaded.

The darkness had not only got hold of my vision but also my lungs. I couldn’t breathe any longer. Were they deaf? Why wouldn’t they listen to me? Fucking listen to me!

”Look how beautiful it looks Kylie! The food can only be even better. The chef is Italian, straight from Italy!”

I could see now. She was walking out of the car. He had just switched off the engine.

“Dad, listen to me. Tell her to get in the car! Tell her to stay with us!” I shouted but he didn’t listen to me. It was as if I had said nothing at all.

“Your mom is a tough one, uh?”

He got off the car as he did the first time. He opened the door for me but before he could do so, there was an excruciating noise of tires coming to a sudden stop. The past was repeating itself and I couldn’t be heard in order to prevent it.

I could feel the warm tears running down my cheeks without a break. I could feel the wave of pain about to smash me into millions of pieces.

“CAMILLE!”

Her name echoed through my mind over and over again. His heartbroken voice released the wave. When the wave hit me, everything became unclear. I could hear screams and voices murmuring all over. My head started to spin and the scene disappeared right before my eyes, giving space for another one to set place. I freed myself from the darkness and opened my eyes. I was being moved. I felt my head against someone’s chest. I didn’t know what was going on. Next thing I knew, I was being put on the back of his pickup truck. He was shouting for help, pleading for someone to assist him and tell him what to do since he didn’t know the answer for that.

“Kylie, stay with me. Please. Kyl- HELP!” he shouted hysterically. “I just found you, c’mon…” his words were a blur.

I finally realized which scene it was this time. I reached my hand out towards him and touched his arm. My touch calmed him down but his green eyes were still terrified. “I’m okay.”

He chuckled half-heartedly. “Wow. I’m really impressed you can keep your humor even in times like these. HEL-”

“Shh,” I interrupted him. “I’ll be fine, promise.”

My senses began to function once again and I could see much clear now. I slowly rose up and pulled my knees to my chest. I placed my head on my knees, horrified to look up. I didn’t want to know what just had happened. I didn’t want to know how John felt right now because I’m sure he thought I was pathetic by this stage. I sighed while my forehead was still touching my knees.

He sat down beside me and imitated me. His right temple was touching his knee. His face was slightly turned so he could face me.

“If you’re wondering if I’m pathetic all the time, your answer is yes.”

“Kylie, you’re not pathetic.”

“No normal person has a fit and starts screaming out of nowhere.”

“You had your reasons.”

“There are no reasons.” My voice was cold.

There was a long pause.

“I’m sorry for your loss.”

“It doesn’t matter.”

“Of course it does Kylie. You can’t keep running away from it, it will only get worse.”

I took a moment to clear my head and let out a few breaths. I turned my head slightly; only my left temple was touching my knee now. I could see his green eyes as clear as windows. I smiled weakly. I could feel my eyes getting watery. He lifted up his head and embraced me with his lanky arms. I softly let some tears go while holding most of it. The knot on my throat was only getting bigger.

“You’re not fine. You’re okay. The word fine is a lie.”

I chuckled as loud as a whisper. “My dad was right. We should’ve gone to Abby’s that day.”

John kept quiet, giving me space to speak some more.

“She disagreed, she wanted to go to that place so badly. I didn’t mind but I felt like eating pasta. I should’ve agreed with my dad…” I sobbed softly. “She was persistent and he only went there because I wanted to just like she did. The moment she stepped out of the car, that was the moment that I knew it would only be my dad and I from then on.”

I sighed loudly allowing the knot on my throat to vanish.

“This totally set the date mood off.” His voice had a serious tone to it but he laughed to cover it up.

I smiled. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I heard a guy complain about the food. Maybe it’s not a good place after all.” His shoulders shrouded and he placed his head above mine. “We are such lost souls.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Really?”

“Uh-hum.”

“I’ve always considered myself a lost soul. Enlighten me so my life can be different please.”

I could feel his smirk on top of my head.

“I think we just haven’t found it yet.”

“But if we haven’t found it, wouldn’t that make us lost souls since we haven’t found it our entire lives up to now?” he lifted his head up to look at me. I looked at him and confusion was written on his face.

“Not really. If we were lost souls, it would’ve meant that we failed at finding our souls. We haven’t failed. We just haven’t found it yet. If we didn’t look for it so much, I’m sure we would have found it already.”

He looked at me even more confused.

“When you’re looking for your keys, do you remember where you put them while you’re looking for them?” I asked.

“Nope.”

“Do you remember where you put them after you forget that you were searching for them?”

He thought for a few seconds and clarity enlightened him. “Yeah,” he said with a thinking tone to his voice. “How did I never think of that before?”

“I don’t know, you just have to look at it in a different perspective at times.” The corners of my mouth lifted up a little.

He was looking at me. He wasn’t looking at my eyes. He was looking at me . In that exact moment, I felt like closing my eyes and letting my feelings drive me. I felt like leaning in and ceasing the little distance that kept us apart. But I didn’t.

“I should probably get back to work.”

He stood up. “Not a chance. I’m taking you home.”

As I was about to moan, he lifted me up and carried me to the passenger’s seat.

“I can walk!” I said.

“Keep quiet and feel honored that I’m carrying you.”

I chuckled while placing my arms around his neck. “Do you ever brush your hair?” I asked him once I saw closely the bird’s nest on top of his head.

He stopped, looked at me and smiled. “Sometimes.”

I laughed and the tears didn’t have to be held back because they had all dried up. He put me down and fastened my seat belt before entering his side of the car.

“I can’t just go home,” I said, “I have to at least excuse myself from Jessica or something.”

“Stop stressing, I’ve done that already on my way to the bookshop.”

I frowned. “But we were only going out for lunch?”

“My plan didn’t involve driving you back to work.”

“How did you know I’d even say yes?” I asked.

“Who wouldn’t?” he smirked.

“But what if I were the exception?”

“Then I’d keep on making up lame excuses until you got so sick of it that you would feel obligated to say yes.”

I laughed and placed my palm on my face. “Maybe you are a lost soul!”

“Don’t contradict yourself.” His hoarse voice fell upon my ears and I closed my eyes for a while just to absorb it so later when he wasn’t around, I’d be able to play it over and over again in my head.

“Home sweet home,” he said while stopping the car.

I looked through the window and saw my house. I smiled, “see you later then.”

“Wait, what do you mean?” asked John, startled.

“Later? The show?”

His eyebrows shot up in a surprised expression. “You’re coming?”

“Sophie wants to go and she can only go if I’m with her.”

“Oh…” he said with a bit of a disappointed tone to his voice.

I laughed at myself. “Plus, I’ve been waiting for this day to come the entire week! I’ve been daydreaming about how your true singing voice is. Not that western shit.”

He lightened up with a smile and laughed. “You will be blown away! Trust me.”

“I think so too.” I got out of the car and started walking towards the house. I didn’t hear the engine being switched on again so I turned around halfway. “What are you waiting for?”

A smile was pressed to his lips. “You.”

“Don’t. I still have to get dressed. Waiting for me to get dressed is as bad as shopping with women,” I joked.

“I’ll always wait for you.” His smile was genuine and it never left his lips.