We Only Breathe For So Long

Everything is so monotonous. It’s as if my life came to a sudden stop and it refuses to move ahead any further.

I have been awake the entire night. I didn’t have the will to check what time it was but it was too early even for the sun to be up. This unknown feeling was consuming the life out of me – slowly but surely. People say things don’t happen or change over night but some things do. It was pathetic. This was pathetic. What was I doing? I’m not this girl. I don’t lay in bed for eternity and torture myself with an overload of thoughts.

I got out of bed. I got out of the house. I took my bike and headed towards that vacant parking lot. I didn’t care if he wasn’t there. I didn’t care if he was sharing a bed with another girl. It didn’t matter. All I cared about was getting rid of this emotion that made me feel utterly ugly on the inside.

The morning breeze helped me free my muscles from tension. It was still dark; I could consider myself insane after this episode. What if something happened? The streets are never safe when the darkness is the one holding the sky.

He was here. The bus came into full sight as I approached it - eager to get this over and done with. I knocked on the door viciously, loud enough for someone to hear me. Jared’s shadow appeared. He soon opened the door, half asleep.

“Where’s John?”

“His ro-”

Before he could even finish his sentence, I had barged in.

I opened his bedroom door rapidly. He was asleep and the clock indicated it was 4AM. I picked up the first object that came into my sight – his left shoe. I threw it at him as an attempt to awaken him. He slowly opened his eyes and a wave of confusion made him frown.

“Kylie?” he asked, not sure if he was dreaming or truly awake.

I looked down at him. “Well? Any other bombs you want to drop before you leave again? Any more fake directions you want to steer me in?” My tone was calm but there was a pinch of anger to it.

He was confused. Thoughts were racing through his mind to try and understand why I was in his bedroom at four o’clock in the morning speaking as if I were a sphinx with riddles.

“Actually, don’t answer that. Don’t answer anything. There’s no answer that can be good enough to make me comprehend what the heck is going on. I’m not this impulsive, ever. I don’t spend most of my time thinking about a person as much as I’ve been doing lately. I don’t get attached to people, ever. You know how much effort it takes to be like that? Years! It took me years to build myself up, to build this strong character. The Kylie that cares more about others than herself and that hates people having pity towards her. You know how much effort it took you to ruin that? Barely anything. Just the movement of some muscles to form a smile. A smile!” I said smiling in disbelief while raising my arms and dropping them on my thigh.

“You popped out of nowhere and we shared a moment. It was supposed to be one moment - just a stranger bumping into another stranger to never meet each other again. At that time you weren’t one of my freaking brain cells! You’re- you’re clouding my mind like an efficient drug. But the worst isn’t the fact that it’s like drug. It’s the fact that it’s more like an addiction but without the actual drug. How can you be addicted to something that isn’t there?” I asked as frustration invaded my voice. I wondered if I even made any sense as the words rushed out of my mouth.

“I didn’t want to hang out with you or the boys in the beginning. Not because I feared this could have happened but because I was better off alone. I was totally fine with that. I got here knowing loneliness would be my best friend and I didn’t mind. I was focused. Focused on the motive for why I moved here in the first place. Everything was perfect up until now. It was even weird at first because things were as perfect as rainbows. When things are too well, that’s because it’s about to get really bad. For once I refused to believe that and look at it now. I’m on a stranger’s bus at four in the morning because I couldn’t handle to be alone with my own thoughts again. I’m not this person!” I shouted as if the words were magic.

“So please,” I pleaded between a sob. “Don’t do this to me. Don’t keep on inviting me for lunch. Don’t tell me anything about who you are. Don’t allow me to tell anything about who I am. Don’t surprise me. Don’t look at me as if I were interesting. Don’t hang out with me. Don’t be nice. Don’t call me.”

I walked out of the room as my last words were projected.

I was peddling with no direction. I didn’t know where I was going. It was still way too early. I needed to find a refuge. Somewhere where I could just forget about it all and clear my mind off things. It could be anywhere. Heaven would be a good place. Maybe even an abandoned alley.

Eric, I thought.

I rapidly tried to determine my location and how I’d get to Eric’s house. I peddled my pedals fast so I could get the adrenaline from the speed and the joy from the wind. The sun was just above the horizon, waking up. I caught a glimpse of his house as I turned around the corner to reach his street. The neighborhood was silent and all that could be heard were my pedals and my accelerated breath. I got off my bike and left it by the stairs. As I approached his door, I could feel the heat from inside already. I knocked – slightly at first – afraid to be waking him up. I slowly breathed in and out to try and calm my fast beating heart.

His eyes were still closed when he opened the door.

“Hi,” I spoke so softly it was barely a whisper.

He opened his eyes while squeezing them to block the faint sunlight creeping in. “Um, hey.”

There was a moment of silence. I had no idea of what to say as a reason for why I was here.

“Man, am I sleep walking again or something?” he asked to himself while rubbing his eyes.

I chuckled. “Not this time. Um, I-I don’t even know why I’m really here… I just felt like coming by.”

“Do you even sleep?” he joked as he put his arm around me and walked me inside the house. “You know the drill. This is your house too. I don’t think I’m awake enough to be having a proper conversation though.”

He slowly walked to his bedroom with closed eyes. I followed him. I didn’t want to be alone. He dropped dead on his double bed and sighed when he reached a good sleeping position. I removed my shoes and sat on the edge of his bed as quietly as possible. His bedroom was blue – like superman’s shade of blue. It was small but pretty organized for a boy. His bed was near the window and it was so comfortable. His nightstand was filled with tissues and papers with a messy handwriting.

“Are you just going to sit there? Aren’t you tired?” His words were muffled and his eyes remained closed.

I was. Once Eric pointed it out, a wave of exhaustion made its way through my body. I got under his covers too. He was facing the window so I faced the far wall. Our bodies were an inch away and we were back to back. I could feel his warmth. I fell asleep to the smell of his scent.

For the first couple of seconds, I had lost track of time. I didn’t know what time it was or where I was for a matter of fact. Slowly I turned around to try and go back to sleep again so I could be able to avoid life for a little longer but the sunlight rays coming from the window impeded me to do such. As the difficulty to open my eyes grew, all I could smell was bacon somehow. The confusion motivated my eyes to open and I lay in bed for a minute to try and remember what had happened in the last few hours. Although I had wished to forget, it wasn’t so easy. All the feelings I had before I shut my eyes returned. This time harder, I had to pay close attention to my breath or else I could stop breathing any moment. I just wanted to forget and sleeping was the only thing that could make that desire possible. Unfortunately there was no sleep left, I was wide-awake. I rolled out of bed in a slow motion, too lazy to have a quicker pace. My phone was buzzing somewhere unknown and that was my wake up call. It was more efficient than coffee. Suddenly I was completely awake as if I hadn’t just woken up. I left home early and didn’t tell anybody back home, that could be Angela calling. I had so much in my plate that the last thing I wanted to deal was a ‘talk’ with her. I stumbled many times on the multiple layers of blankets as I crawled on the bed trying to reach the opposite side where my shoes were. As I found my phone, it stopped ringing. I unlocked it and I had 27 missed calls, 5 text messages and 3 voicemails. They were all destined from one person. It didn’t matter what he had to say, I was better off without hearing his voice or poetic words.

I followed the delicious smell that hung in the air and it led me to the kitchen. Eric was unaware of my presence while frying some bacon. I glanced at the dining table and it was set with what looked like a movie breakfast scene. He spun around to take the salt by the sink. He looked up, down and up once again when he realized I was standing by the door.

He grinned. “Good morning, sleepy head.”

“Morning,” I gently rubbed my eyes and yawned. “What’s up with the cinematographic table?”

“Oh, you know… You baked cookies, I cook breakfast! It’s the only thing I can do when it comes to cooking. Besides noodles of course. I’m a master chef when it comes to it.”

He managed to get a laugh out of me as he always did. He took two plates and got out of the kitchen. He placed them on the table and took a sit.

“Mind joining me?” he asked through a smile.

“Not at all,” I smiled as I sat down beside him.

This could be compared to Angela’s typical Saturday’s breakfast. There were fruits, fresh juice, yogurt, milk, coffee, tea, biscuits, toasts, cheese, ham, scrambled eggs and bacon. It can be compared to hers not only because there’s a wide range of variety but also because it’s just as good.

I filled my plate with fruits first. They were fresh and sweet. I wasn’t satisfied yet. Not until my second plate with toast, bacon and eggs.

After endless bites, I put my cutlery down and pushed my plate away from me. “I think I might explode.”

Eric laughed, shaking his head. “And I thought I ate a lot.”

I mockingly laughed, imitating his voice and the way he spoke. He threw a piece of bread crust at me as a consequence to mocking his voice. Laughter invaded my system as I took my banana peel and placed it on his head as if it were a hat.

“I’m sure I still look good,” he joked with his charming smile.

I don’t even remember which types of food were thrown after that because by the time we finished our food war the coffee had spilled over the table, Eric and I were filthy with different kinds of stain and food stuck to our clothes and we were laughing throughout the entire process. I stood up from my chair immediately when he threatened to throw the milk next. He followed me as I ran around the living room, begging him not to do that.

“No Eric, please!” I pleaded with laughter.

“I don’t see how it’s fair for me to be smelling like coffee when you’re completely dry and smelling like fruits!” he grinned, never ceasing his run.

I was fast but he was faster. He out ran me and grabbed my waist from behind. I protested as my body moved constantly and my hands tried to loosen his embrace.

He lifted me up and dropped the milk on top of my not-so-clean hair.

“Nooooo!” I shouted, feeling it run down my face and onto my torso.

I tried to pull my best angry face as he put me down and I turned to face him. “You are ruthless!”

He started laughing. “Never consider being an actress please!”

I broke the lame act and joined his laughter. I ran a hand through my hair and there were little things stuck in it. I was a delicious mess. Not to mention the wreck that my clothes were after Eric spilled the milk on me.

“Thanks to you, it will take me hours to get these pieces of fruit out of my hair!” I moaned, poking him on his chest.

“Don’t exaggerate, there isn’t much. Here, let me help.” He took a step forward and we were so close that I could feel his breath. His hands carefully picked up the pieces that were visible.

“It’s ok, I just wanted to make you feel guilty.”

He chuckled, “you managed to do so.”

“You should feel guilty, you started it!” I pointed out.

He grinned while he looked deeply into my eyes. “You continued it.”

There was a long pause before anyone made the initiative to speak again. I realized I was breathing hard while being taken aback from the short distance that was between us. As fast as a rollercoaster, Eric’s lips were on mine while my left palm was on his chest. It all happened so fast that when I realized what was happening, Eric had pushed me against the wall. His lips covered my mouth with a hungry kiss and for a brief moment I forgot about everything that had happened before this action took place. My mind was racing and so were his hands. His hands constantly shifted from my waist to my hair or neck. We kept moving around, trying to find a spot to contain all our euphoric feelings. My heart was pounding, my mouth was dry and it was harder to breathe the more kisses we shared. His mouth was warm and his lips were softer than I had imagined.

“I didn’t find plums but I got…” A voice spoke, breaking the silence that was present beside our heavy breaths.

Suddenly, Eric pushed away from me as if he’d been burned.

Jane was looking up and observing the scene set in front of her eyes with a half opened mouth; her expression was almost shocked.

It was such an awkward moment that I didn’t even know if I was supposed to move or not. My muscles tensed and my lungs refused to let out any air in fear of making any noise.

“I’m- um, sorry for…” Jane shattered, not knowing what to say.

I ran to Eric’s room and picked up my shoes and cellphone. As fast as I had disappeared, I returned to the leaving room.

“I should go.”

I shifted my gaze from Eric to Jane. I needed to get out of this house before things got even more awkward so I didn’t bother to put my shoes on, I’d do that once I was outside. I spun around as fast as a tornado and headed to the front door.

“Wait, Kylie!” Eric’s voice broke the silence quite loudly. “Please stay.”

As he said his last words I stopped inches away from the door, considering his request. I looked back and smiled softly at him, attempting to apologize, as I left.