We Only Breathe For So Long

The sun rose too early and the temperature didn’t make it any easier to get out of bed. When I managed to do so, I got ready for work and left the house immediately after grabbing the tray with Eric’s cookies. I was absolutely knackered and I didn’t look forward to another day at the bookshop. Maybe Jessica could give me the day off since I was going to visit Eric? When that idea popped in my mind, I quickly searched for my phone in my multiple pockets and dialed her number.

“Morning Jess,” I said.

“Hey Kylie, everything’s alright?”

“Yeah, totally. Listen, I want to visit Eric today and if you don’t mind-”

“Sure, go ahead! The day is yours. Send him my regards.”

She hanged up and I went back home to get changed into something comfier. I got into my baggy sweatpants, a lame sweater and my hair was in a bun. I totally didn’t mind how awful I looked right now; I was too tired to worry about anything either than comfort and warmth. Although I was mostly feeling cold and lazy, I was anxious on the inside. I haven’t spoken to Eric in such a long time. I placed the cookies on my bike’s basket and rode towards his house. Anxiety moved the pedals and I got there in a couple of minutes, completely out of breath. I quickly climbed the stairs of his porch and knocked on the door softly.

“Jane, I’m fine. Really.” His voice was louder each step he took towards the door. He opened the door and his expression immediately changed into amazement.

He had a thick blanket wrapped around his naked torso and his nose was crimson. His eyes somehow seemed like a darker tone of blue rather than it’s usual color – baby blue.

I half smiled. “You don’t look fine.”

He grinned at the sound of my voice. “Come on in.”

I stepped inside of the house and it was incredibly warm. I removed my shoes and walked towards the kitchen with my socks on.

“I hope you don’t mind my sudden visit,” I said while placing the tray on his kitchen’s balcony. “I thought some home-made cookies would drive the sickness away.”

He locked the front door and followed my voice to the kitchen. He leaned on the opened door. “Not at all! How could I refuse cookies?” he said with a child-like enthusiasm.

I chuckled. “You’re lucky there’s a tray full of it. I almost ate it all last night.”

I put the tray in the oven to heat it up a little. “Milk?”

“Yes, please.” His smile was radiant.

I poured a half glass of milk and warmed it up in the microwave. The scent of the cookies - and currently melting M&Ms - diffused into the atmosphere of the entire kitchen.

“How’s work without me? Lame? Boring?” he jokingly interrogated me.

“Nope. Awful,” I said while throwing him a smirk.

“I knew it, my presence is delightful and inspiring!” he cheered as if his favorite soccer team had just scored.

“Greg and Lisa are dating now.”

“No way. My boy scored?” he asked, not believing at first.

“Yes, he did! And I thought that wouldn’t be possible,”

I laughed while removing the tray out of the oven and placing some cookies on a plate. “Thank goodness these are warm so you can stuff them on your mouth and shut up,” I said sarcastically.

He rushed to the couch and lay on it. “Will you tell me a bed time story too?” His puppy eyes jokingly pleaded me.

“If you drink all your milk then yes!” I played along.

We shared a laugh and Eric coughed every now and then.

My hands were monitoring his fever. He was burning with heat. “You’re not getting any better uh?”

“I’m remaining optimistic and saying I am. I’m better than yesterday.” He tried smiling but a cough interrupted it.

I touched his shoulders, indicating him to lie down on the couch. I went to the kitchen and prepared a quick tea with fresh lemons. On my way out, I wet a cloth with cold water.

I sat down beside his torso and gave him the tea. “I’m no nurse but I really do hope this helps.”

He took it and started drinking it. As he did so, I placed the cold cloth on his forehead.

“I know the tea doesn’t taste good bu-”

He threw his head back and closed his eyes while smiling faintly. “It’s perfect, Kylie.”

I smiled to myself and turned the cloth on the other side. I softly pushed his messy hair out of the way, stroking it backwards.

“You know, if I weren’t sick right now… I’d totally kiss you.” His eyes were still closed, his voice barely a whisper.
If anybody else had said that, I would’ve freaked and ran towards the hills. But it was Eric. Everything was so easy with him. I never felt uncomfortable or awkward around him.

As a response, I leaned my head down closer to his and I gently kissed his forehead. “I’ll get more cookies.”

I went to the kitchen and warmed up more cookies in the oven. While waiting for them, I got dirty and started washing the dishes. I heard my ringtone buzz in the living room.

“Kylie, your phone!” shouted Eric, weakly.

“Would you please answer it for me?” I asked.

The ringtone stopped so I assumed Eric had answered it. I heard few words being said. A couple of minutes later, I exited the kitchen with more cookies. Eric’s eyes glowed when he saw it.

“These are the best cookies I’ve ever had!” His mouth was working non-stop, masticating every piece of the cookie he had in hand.

I chuckled. “I can’t take the credit. Angela did it, I just helped.”

“Whose idea was to add M&Ms?” he asked.

“Mine,” I softly spoke.

“Then you deserve the credit!” he said through a grin.

I shyly laughed while eating a cookie myself.

“Oh, the call. It was one of the band dudes,” he took a bite of another cookie. “He asked where you were and I said kitchen. I asked if he wanted to leave a message and he didn’t say anything.”

Was it John? He did say he was going to call. “Was that it?”

“Yup.”

“Oh, okay.” My voice was a little disappointed.

I checked the clock at it was 6pm already. “Um, I’ve bugged you the entire morning and afternoon,” I shyly laughed, “I better let you rest.”

“I don’t mind, Kylie.”

“If I stay, I’ll end up never leaving!”

He laughed between some coughs. “I don’t mind that at all!” His smile was enormous and for a second, he didn’t look so sick.

“No, really. As much as I want to stay, I should go for your own good! Thanks for the company. Don’t worry, I’ll find the way to the door by myself.”

“I should be thanking you! Thank you so much for passing by and lifting my spirit up,” he said through a half smile.

He stood up and opened his arms, his hands were holding the blanket. He then hugged me in a way that I leaned my head against his bare chest and that when he closed his arms the blanket covered me too. It was so warm and nice. The hug lasted almost a minute since I didn’t want to move an inch out of this position.

“Goodbye.” I felt his breath move the tiny hairs above my head when he spoke.

“Bye!” I said, breaking such a sweet embrace.

My bed was my first and only destination that I had in mind after Eric’s house. I didn’t even get changed; I just climbed beneath the multiple layers of blankets and shifted my body constantly to find the perfect position.

John said last night he would call today. And he did but I didn’t answer it. Maybe he just wanted to waste time and chat with me or maybe he wanted to make new plans. I got excited at the thought of seeing him once again. It has been eight days that I haven’t seen them. What made the whole process excruciating was the fact that he had kissed me in the last few minutes that I last saw him. I put my thoughts aside and dialed his number. It rang several times before his raspy voice replaced the tuu, tuu sound.

“Hi.”

“Hey, it’s Kyli-”

He interrupted me with a cold voice. “I know.”

“You called and I didn’t get a chance to answer. There’s a hockey game happening on Saturday. You’re up for it?”

“I’m going to be busy then.” His cold voice stroke me once again. It sent goose bumps towards my spine.

It had taken me guts to ask a question like that. It had taken me several minutes to formulate the question on my mind before actually asking him. It had taken him half a second to say something I feared he’d say.

“Ok then.” That was my final word; I hanged up the second I spoke.

Why was he as cold as a poisonous snake? Is he bipolar or something? Yesterday he was exceeding my expectations and reminding me that he’s still there and that he hasn’t ran away. Today he was exceeding my expectations once again but in a negative, asshole type of way. And lately he kissed me, and I didn’t know where he was going with that. I was torn between wanting to give in - to just let those emotions flood out and see what happened between us - and sheer terror. So far, sheer terror was dominating me. Maybe one of the millions of thoughts I had earlier on was right; he had found someone else.

It’s okay. I understand. Whoever she is, she may be prettier, funnier, nicer and all of the compliments someone can give while adding an er at the end. I understand. I wouldn’t choose myself either compared to someone like that. How foolish was that? He is a musician, he’s always on the road and he’s good looking enough to get any girl he desires. Maybe what he’s doing is a good thing. He’s acting distant with a cold tone to back him up. Maybe distance is the best thing. But the scariest thing is that I don’t know weather he’ll miss me or completely forget about my existence. That’s a lot of maybes but they were less torturing than the what ifs.

Right now I was terrified. I knew I was starting to get attached to John. I’m guessing one way to tell would be freaking out over a simple kiss, streaking off in the night, then lying awake in bed until dawn, tortured by emotions I didn’t even recognize.