Hey Jealousy

Hey Jealousy.

xx

I really had no idea what exactly I was doing. I mean – it had been almost a year and a half since I had even seen his face. That time span being nearly one and a half years; the year we left Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry for good. And, his face being Sirius Black.

This whole idea was ridiculous – I knew the chance of him even remembering me was pretty slim. Me, Grace Wynne, a girl who wasn’t even in his house back when we were in school. And, one of the many girls he’d ‘interacted’ with throughout our seven years.

Who was I to think I was any different than them? What was different between their time with him and mine?

Well – I could think of one.

…A fact that I had to tell myself not to think about time and time again. It broke my heart everyday to think about it – and I didn’t even know why.

The fact that I let Sirius Black go ate me up inside day after day – for the past how many months.
I had finally gotten to the point that I could push it from my mind. Once again I could enjoy the simpler things in life. I could go for runs in the park; simply have lunch with my friends and colleagues. My family was always there to support me and always had something up their sleeves – it was my constant and my sturdy foundation.

Until that was ripped away from me this morning. I never could have imagine that it was this hard – I thought I’d be the first, working for the ministry and all.

It was hard times – not that anyone really hoped to die, not that I knew of anyway. But, there was always that chance you would do or say the wrong thing to put yourself at the top of that list.

I wouldn’t go so far as saying my family was full-out Dark Art supporters in this war – on the other hand, I wouldn’t go out of my way to say the opposite either. I liked to think we were in the middle, neutral – at least, I knew that I was.

Surviving was my goal, and I was pretty good at it – but now it seemed as if I had nothing – I didn’t know anything. Me, Grace Wynne – the girl who planned everything down to a ‘T’, even if it never happened exactly the way I wanted it to go.

Once again, I pushed those thoughts to the back of my head, the same way I pushed back the memory of Sirius all those many months before.

That’s when I came up with that bloody idea to find him – after all…well; I really had no idea what was going to happen after that. I still had no idea if this was even what I really wanted to do.

xx

It hadn’t taken all that long to remember where and how to get to the house Lily Potter resided in. We had met up a couple of times since leaving school – and since that time she went and married James Potter. I just hoped that him and Sirius had remained best friends over the years.

I shivered a bit as I made my way up the walk – totally not even thinking about the fact that there was a gaping hole in my jeans and my hair was all over the place.

…Okay, so maybe I was thinking about it a little.

But, how exactly do you do this? (Whatever this is.) Knock on the door and say “Hi – do you know where you old best friend is? By the way, you aged really well?!”

I let out a breath that I didn’t even know I was holding in. And, while running a hand through my hair, I prepared myself to actually knock on the door.

I pulled my hand back once I heard noise and laughter from inside the house. …Maybe now wasn’t such a good time to do this.

“Come on, Gracie, it’s now or never,” I told myself – literally, out loud. If people didn’t already think I was crazy – they would have now if they heard me talking to myself.
After rubbing my palms on my jeans – I gathered up the courage and rang the doorbell once.

Through the door I heard it ring on the other side – then, at that point I really wished I had a cigarette or something to settle my nerves.

I looked around their yard, hoping that it would take a decent amount of time for someone to answer the door, or maybe no one heard the doorbell ring – with my luck, though, they probably all heard it and jumped at the same time to get it, thinking it was someone of importance that one of them was expecting to show up at this time.

The door opened slowly as I was still looking at the property, a very nice property at that. I turned back to the door frame, where James Potter was now standing, where the closed door once was. I saw his smile falter a little when he recognized that it was me standing in front of him – I may have met up with Lily on occasion, but this was the first time I’d seen him.

“What are you doing here,” He said, a question would have implied that maybe he wanted to actually know. But, by the look he was giving me, it clearly told me that he thought I should leave. Not that I would, I was too stubborn, and I’m sure that he knew it.

James crossed his arms over his chest and stared at me. I took a deep breath and ran a hand through my hair, praying that it wasn’t shaking – even though it felt like I was inside. “I, uhm – I need to see Sirius,” I paused a minute, waiting for him to make some kind of reply – when he didn’t, I continued. “Do you know where he is?”

He raised his eyebrows, but not in the surprised type of way – the challenging type of way. “Why do you, Grace Wynne, want to know where he, Sirius Black, is?” he asked, not very politely – I couldn’t really blame him though. I would be doing the same exactly thing if I was in his shoes. I heard someone get up in the living room, and shuffle their way over to the door.

I began to try and answer, but James cut me off before I could get a word out.

“If my memory serves me correctly, Wynne, and I’m sure it does – you left him. That doesn’t exactly…”He would have gone on if he could have; I knew he didn’t like me – that much was certain.

My breath caught in my throat for a moment. “Shove off, Prongs.” Sirius told him and pushed James out of the doorway so he could get a better look, making sure that I was actually standing in front of him.

And, now that I thought about it – I really wished that I would have taken the time to realize what I looked like before I had ventured my way all the way over here. I had forgotten how Sirius could make me feel weak in the knees with just a look – and it made me self-conscious that I was standing here like this, with him simply looking me up and down as if we had never seen each other before in our lives.

I crossed my legs awkwardly as I stood in front of him, not speaking, and for the second time since the door opened, I ran a hand through my strawberry blonde locks. Later, I would probably realize how stupid this looked – me, standing there, not saying anything, when I came looking for him.

On my defense, I had never been one to actually think things through completely. I liked to plan them perfectly, but I never thought about what would happen.

“Gracie?” Sirius looked at me, and for the first time I looked back at him. I studied his face – not much had changed, his eyes looked as lively as ever, even though there was a hint of something I couldn’t quite place. Maybe it was because we were in the middle of a war; it was hard to find happiness nowadays – at least for some people. Or, maybe it was because he was just as confused as I was.

I stared back into his eyes and shuffled, and then looked away – afraid that if I looked too long I would never be able to look away again. Memories of that last day at Hogwarts came flooding back to me – some that I swore to myself I would never remember again. I closed my eyes for a moment and then looked back at him, after opening my eyes, of course.

“Sirius, I really have no idea what I’m doing here – well, I do, but…can you just say something, please? And, stop looking at me like that!” I yelled, not really meaning to do that. But, he was beginning to make me feel uncomfortable – or it may have just been me making me feel uncomfortable.

He raised an eyebrow, and smirked just slightly. At this moment, I really wished that I were able to read minds – or at least attempted not to sleep through Divination. Sirius opened his mouth and spoke. “Grace, you look like hell,” he shrugged and leaned across the doorframe.

I sent a glare his way, but huffed out a small chuckle anyway. “I never would have guessed that.”
I shivered a bit, despite my best effort, but standing in one place for a long time was never really my cup of tea. It wasn’t as cold as I imagine November should be – but I knew that could change with the blowing of the wind.

Sirius took a step forward and looked down at me. In turn, I, of course, had to look up at him. He reached his arm out and gently touched my upper arm, probably without even realizing that he was sending this feeling throughout my body.

“Do you want to go for a walk with me, Gracie?” He asked. One thing Sirius also didn’t know was that every time he said my name – it made me want to make him say it ten more times.

I nodded my head ‘yes’, afraid that if I spoke in reply – the voice wouldn’t be my own, and I had no idea what would have come out if I did. It was kind of foolish, really. I was nineteen years old, but I definitely felt like I was a girl of sixteen again.

He backed away from me, “Let me grab my cloak,” Sirius said, walking back into the house – and not long after returned with a cloak. Not for himself, but for me.

I rolled my eyes and looked at him when he held it out in front of me to take. Knowing he wouldn’t let it go if I didn’t take it -and that we wouldn’t be going anywhere either, I grabbed it out of his hand and put it on. The warmth encased me – and for the first time I realized just how cold I actually was.