Hey Jealousy

We’d been walking for a while – in one of those unawkward yet still really awkward silences. The kind where there were a million thoughts running through your head – and you were still just waiting for the other person to say something first.

It hadn’t taken all that long for me to get over the school-girl-crush feeling - and then I had realized that was when I had first met Sirius, and all those old feelings rushed back when I saw him that first moment.

Back as my nineteen-year-old self, I kept glancing over at him, half-hoping that he would say something first. I knew inside he wouldn’t, he usually never did. And, I guess I shouldn’t have expected it either…

I let out an incoherent noise, which I guess he heard. Sirius looked over at me, but we still continued walking. Of course, I really had no idea where we were headed. I didn’t have the greatest sense of direction if I didn’t know my destination.

As Sirius continued to lead me, I figured I might as well attempt to start a conversation. “So, uh – how are things?” What I really wanted to shout was “this is stupid” – but I figured that wouldn’t have been the best idea seeing as I was the one who sought out him, but it was his idea to go for a walk.
He looked at me and shook his head slightly, playfully.

“That was a legitimate question, you know – conversation.” I said to him as I raised my eyebrows. He could have answered. When Sirius didn’t, I figured I might as well attempt to carry on the conversation – silence wasn’t either of our strong points, and I didn’t quite understand why he hadn’t answered. “Where are we headed? Or are we just walking aimlessly?”

“My flat,” He continued walking.

I looked up at him and simply shook my head, although at this point I wasn’t sure if I should be glad or nervous that we were walking to his flat. I guess it was probably the best idea. “Glad you didn’t pick the walking aimlessly answer, we’d never get anywhere.” I stopped and once again waited for him to say something, anything, and when he didn’t… I subconsciously decided that silence just wasn’t an option.

“Thanks for the cloak by the way, I kind of just left without thinking, you know? It’s a nice night for November, don’t you think?” I paused for a slight second and played with one of the too-long sleeves. “This is actually a pretty nice place, no offense, but I never pictured you living in a place like this. You always seemed to be the type of person to just dream big and move off into the city. But thinking about it, this area just seems so…you. I bet the trees are lovely when it’s springtime, and there are probably loads of children just running through the streets throughout the summer…”

To my left there was a laugh, and I stopped and turned to face Sirius who had also stopped to start laughing. I folded my arms over my chest and raised my eyebrows while looking at him. If anyone had been wandering along this deserted street, the thought that we should belong in an institution would most certainly pass through their head at least once. Me, looking like I was just checked out of a hospital and Sirius laughing as if he had been given too much laughing gas at the dentist. (He may not have been laughing that hard, but it made me feel better about myself to think that he looked as crazy as I felt.)

“You sound like a babbling idiot, Grace,” Sirius said bluntly as soon as he was finished laughing and then put his arm around my shoulders as he started to walk, making me once again continue. A few steps later and his arm once again fell off my shoulders and landed back at his side. I took this as a signal that I could continue talking.

I pulled the cloak a little tighter around myself. “I wouldn’t have sounded like such a babbling idiot if you would have engaged in the conversation, Black. They’re usually two sided, you know.” I looked around at the houses that began to appear, and realized that maybe I could have said that a little nicer.

“Can’t you ever just walk and not talk, enjoy the moment every once and a while,” Sirius paused slightly before beginning, if you hadn’t have known him, you probably wouldn’t have realized he had paused at all. “Besides, as I recall, Wynne, the last time we spoke, it didn’t end on that great of a note. So I’m sorry that I don’t really know what you want me to say.”

I took a moment to think about what he had just said, and he was probably grateful for the silence that appeared while I thought. He was right, as much as I wanted to think so; we hadn’t ended on a happy note. My fault. He was also right and that he shouldn’t know what to say…I wasn’t even sure what I wanted to hear, not that I should have been expecting to hear anything at all. Also my fault.

At the end of seventh year, he wanted something more…and I just didn’t. Was I scared? Maybe. Was I young and stupid? Of course. Did I hurt him? … Probably. I hadn’t stuck around long enough to find out. He deserved that at least. Sirius also deserved an explanation, and that really wasn’t something I was planning on doing tonight, if ever. Honestly, I wasn’t even sure I had one that made any sense whatsoever.

My thoughts were shaken away as Sirius spoke. “I shouldn’t have said that, Gracie, I didn’t…”

“No, Sirius, I deserved it. Don’t apologize. I needed to hear it. “I interrupted him before he could tell me that he didn’t mean any of it. In my mind, he should hate me. I would hate me if I was him. (I was also a girl, and could hold a grudge way longer than a grudge should be held.) However, two people never think exactly the same way. No matter what, there were always some opinions that would differ, no matter how strongly one felt about that.

Sirius stayed silent after I said that, there was no need to get into this discussion out here on the dark street. In my opinion, there was no need for that discussion to be brought up until I felt comfortable enough to even talk about it with him. Either that… or I came up with some logical explanation. I really just wanted to forget the whole thing right about now. It seemed that he just wanted to put it in the past, something I wasn’t entirely sure I was able to do. It wasn’t some little thing that could be erased from a piece of paper, in my head it seemed like a notebook full of pages that would have to be carefully examined before it was thrown into the fireplace. (Even if reliving every detail wasn’t the right way to go about it at all.)

I breathed in slowly before I spoke again. “How much farther until we reach your flat?” I asked, the chill from a slight breeze was starting to make me wish we were inside.

“The second building on your left,” Sirius told me shortly as I notice him dig his hands deeper into his pockets making me feel even worse for taking his cloak when I realized he must have been cold, obviously he would never say that he was. Merlin forbid I say something, he would chalk it up to a quidditch match, if he even responded at all.

I nodded and before long I was able to get a good look at the building, as Sirius sprinted across the street and casually crossed and I observed my surroundings. We walked inside and I followed him up two flights of stairs to where we finally reached his residence. Sirius opened the door, and I couldn't help but let out a little laugh when I was suddenly reminded just how much of a pig Sirius could really be.