I Wanna Be Sedated

I don't know why, but I felt the need to protect Vic. To hold him, to comfort him, to let him know things would be alright. He just told me his whole life story. The bullies, the beatings, the cutting. It made me hurt for him. I mean, Vic was a great guy. He's had plenty of opportunities to bash my face in for everything I did to Mike, yet he just calmly talked it out with me. He listened to my side of the story. I felt the urge to fix Vic. But first, I had to talk to Mike. Vic and I went down to dinner, and I sat next to him and across from Mike. He looked at me, sadness in his eyes. I mouthed 'After dinner, my room'. He nodded.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~Time Lapse, after dinner~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I was currently sitting in my room, waiting for Mike. I told Vic he could stay if he wanted to, just so he could also hear Mike's reasons for kissing Oli. He did. After about two minutes, Mike walked in.

"Tony, I'm so s-" I cut him off.
"Don't apologize. You had every reason to kiss Oli. It's not like we're dating or anything. I just want to know, why?' He looked to Vic, who was sitting on his bed. He motioned for Mike to join him. He sat facing me, then began to explain.
" It's just that Oli and Jake got into a fight. You remember Jake, right? Oli's 'friend'." I nodded, and he continued.
"Alright well, apparently they got into some kind of fight and Jake called Oli ugly. And I felt bad for him. So, so bad. And he was crying and upset and I didn't know what to do." He paused.
"So you KISSED him?" Vic asked, shocked. Mike shook his head frantically, looking at Vic.

"No! I didn't kiss him! HE kissed ME. I swear." He looked back to me.
"But you kissed him back." I whispered, looking down.
"I know." Mike said, softly.
"W- why? Is it because he's cuter than me? Skinnier than me? I just need to know Mike. Why?" I looked back to him.
"Because, I wanted him to know that he's not ugly. I didn't want to reject him Tony, not when he ws so sad. I- I couldn't. I hope you understand?" He looked hopeful, so I nodded, forcing a smile.
"Of course Mike. I get it now." He smiled back, seemingly satisfied. I wasn't. The voice was back.

'He's lying to you, you know that, right? He kissed Oli because he likes him. He just doesn't want to break the pathetic cutter's heart. I don't know why he would care though. It's not like he'd be the first guy, right Tony? There was Ronnie, Andy, Phil, Jona, Jesse. The list goes on and on. Mike just wanted to use you, too. No one will ever love you. You're disgusting, fat, ugly. Who would ever love YOU' It spat. It was right. No one ever would love me. I wasn't good enough for anyone. And that was that.

Dr. Williamson came in, saying that Mike needed to head to his room, since it was almost 10. Mike got up, giving Vic a hug. He opened his arms for a hug from me, but I couldn't hug him. So, instead, I whispered a gentle 'goodnight'. He looked hurt, but he whispered it back, then left. Leaving me alone with his brother. Who looked shocked and pissed off. Here we fucking go again.

"Care to explain to me what the fuck that was?" He asked. I shrugged, not in the mood to talk. Or argue. Or whatever the hell Vic wanted to do.
"No, don't fucking shrug. Why did you blow Mike off?" I laughed.
"What the fuck is so funny?" He asked, clearly getting pissed off. I smirked, looking at him.
"You said I blew him off." He stared at me for a second, before laughing. His head thrown back, his eyes closed, and his body shaking. 'He has a nice laugh. Definitely want to hear that more.' I thought. After a few seconds, he laughing stopped.
"Okay, I admit, bad choice of words." I smirked again. He got serious.
"But seriously, why'd you ignore his hug? That wasn't cool." I shook my head.
"It's a long story Vic, and I don't want to waste your time." I stated. He rolled his eyes.
"You're not, now please, tell me?" He begged.

Should I tell him about the voice in my head? The one that's constantly telling me I'll never be good enough for anyone? The one that tells me I'm worthless. Useless. A waste of space. Would he understand? Would he judge me? Would he kick me out? Have me replaced just because he thought I was too crazy to room with him? I mean, it's one thing to be Bi-Polar, we both have that. But what about hearing things? I mean, Oli and Alex did too, and he seemed pretty excepting of them, but what about me? I guess there's only one way to find out.

"Vic, there's something I have to tell you. I don't know how you're going to respond, just please, hear me out?" I begged, locking eyes with him. He got up, and sat on the bed with me. For the second time tonight, he wrapped his arms around me.
"I promise Tone. Now, tell me, what's going on?" He asked. I looked down, Here goes nothing,

"A- alright. Well, I uh, I have this voice in my head. Not like someone screaming, no. It's always a whisper. It tells me that I'm ugly. That I'm fat and disgusting and useless and.. And... When Mike explained what happened with Oli, the voice in my head said e was lying. That he felt bad for me, the pathetic cutter. It also said some other things..." I trailed off. Vic gently grabbed my chin, tilting my head up towards his. He looked into my eyes.
"What else did it say Tony." He whispered. I bit my lip, holding back my tears.
"I- it said that Mike just wanted to use me, like the other guys." I stopped. Did I say too much?

Vic looked lost in thought. His eyes flashed different emotions. Sadness, hurt, understanding. Then, a look came across his face. The one I didn't want to see. It was a mix between anger and regret. The anger, I didn't get. But the regret? I knew what he was regretting.

'He's regretting letting you move in. He's regretting opening up to you. You're a freak! A weird, hopeless freak. Why don't you just kill yourself, huh? No one would miss you. Vic would get a new roommate, Mike's already got Oli, Jaime has Kellin. You're not needed. You're not wanted. You're not loved. Just go away. Die.' It whispered. I hadn't noticed I was crying until Vic wiped the tears from my face.

"Hey, shh, it's okay. Don't worry. It's okay Tony." He whispered, gently rocking me.
"No it's not!" I screamed. "No one loves me. No one cares about me. You're going to kick me out, replace me. Mike already has. No one cares..." I whispered the last part.
"Hey, I care. I do, I swear. And if that voice tells you I don't, it can shove that fake ass lie. I care. Mike cares. Jaime care. We do. I promise you we do. We all want you here, with us Tony. Just ignore the voice. I know it's easier said than done, but try. We don't want to lose you. We can't lose you. Please, for us, just try." He sounded like he was on the verge of tears. I looked up. His eyes were red with unshed tears, he was biting his lip, probably to keep from crying. But he looked like he cared. Like I actually mattered to him.

'I matter to someone.' I thought.
'No you don't!' The voice hissed, but I ignored it. And I would continue to ignore it. Because Vic cared. He cares, and that's all that mattered.

I smiled, then nodded.
Alright Vic, I'll try. Promise." He smiled back.
"Good. Now, who were those other guys you mentioned?" I froze up. Was I really ready for this? I didn't know, but I couldn't hold it in forever. I opened my mouth...