Skinny Love

“Now that we’re official, we need to set some ground rules.”

“Oh really,” Zayn laughed. “Like what?”

“Like, stuff that we both have to come up with so that I don’t run away screaming from you.”

He broke out laughing even louder. “Am I that scary?”

“Not yet, but I have a feeling that you’re gonna surprise me. A lot.”

“You don’t like surprises?” He said.

“No I love surprises, but only the ones that I can deal with.”

Zayn pulled Jessica’s hand with him to a different direction through the grass and she followed willingly, loving the feeling of her hand held securely in his. It was different this time, because they weren’t just together now, they were together. And that made a big difference. She followed him leading her on the path next to the lake, and she reveled in the beauty of his enormous backyard, with everything there was to possibly do. But today, they chose a walk through the “park.”

“Rules are meant to be broken, and the same goes for ground rules. You need to relax Jess, stop trying to organize and control everything. Just go with it.”

“Just because you like chaos in your life doesn’t mean it’s the same for everyone else, Malik,” she muttered. “I like being able to control the outcomes of my life. You get screwed over otherwise.”

“Yeah well, being controlled isn’t exactly fun either. I’ve already told you that. And you don’t have to get screwed over if you don’t want to.”

“Easy for you to say,” she mumbled again.

“Fine then,” he snapped, turning around and grabbing her by the forearms. “You want ground rules?
Here are some ground rules. Number One: We have to be truthful, and open up about everything….Including our past.”

Jessica looked him in his shaded eyes and her eyebrows furrowed. Where was he going with this?

“Jessie, I need you to tell me about the men in your life. I need to know what I’m dealing with. What I need to heal.”

Suddenly she felt herself fuming. “I don’t need you to heal anything,” she snapped.

“Don’t do that, please,” Zayn begged. “Jessie, talk to me. I’ve told you so much about myself…Things that I’ve never told anyone else. Open up to me, please.”

“Zayn, that was all in my past…Already over. I want to forget it about it,” she shook her head and looked away, and Zayn quickly caught her chin in his hand and brought her face forward to look at him.

“I’ve told you the craziest parts of my life… my family, the drugs, the girls, everything. Please sweetie. Open up to me.”

“Zayn please, I can’t….I love you,” she whispered, hoping that she could throw him off and soften him to her.

“I love you too,” he smiled. “I love you and love hearing you say it, but I still want to know. Tell me about them Jessie.”

“Zayn, please—”

“Twenty questions. Ask me anything and I’ll answer truthfully. I’ll do the same to you. Readysetgo.”

“Malik—”

“Go!” he pressed.

She froze and glared at him, and then squinted her eyes. “Fine then. When you went to Chicago that one time, what really happened?

Zayn froze and stared her on, and looked down, his heart aching.

Jess instantly felt stupid and shook her head, “I’m sorry—that was so uncalled f—”

“No, I asked you to…”

“You don’t have to answer me if you don’t want to.”

“It’s fine, babe,” he answered with a blank stare forward.

“The lads and I were touring and it was like the third month in America. There was so much hate my way and usually I don’t listen to it, but some of it was so true. The relationship, the drugs, and I just felt so fake. The way that I lied to my fans and the way they trusted me. Some of them went so out of the way to protect a relationship that didn’t even exist in real life. I was so fed up and I was having issues with my father at the time about staying true to my heritage, how I’m not the proper Muslim boy that I need to be. I was getting hate just for being a Muslim- Pakistani that I honestly didn’t want to think about it. My only escape was the drugs, really, but I got so used to smoking weed that it didn’t have the escape that I really needed,” he paused briefly, remembering back to that night. “Josh and I went out that night and a guy sold us a vile of cocaine. Obviously, we hadn’t done it before, so it was really strange at first. Then it hit us and I felt like a completely different person on the drug. After that night, Josh stopped but I did it again about four more times. I knew what I was doing to myself, but I didn’t stop. One night, I was about to start doing lines, but Safaa called me. I looked at her face on my phone and I just cried when I talked to her. I told her how sorry I was for being such a terrible brother and role model for her. She had no idea what the hell I was talking about, but she just listened and comforted me. I flushed it all down the toilet that night all because of my baby sister. It was just such a rough place for me, I couldn’t have done it without her.”

“Can I hug you?” She saw the tears threatening to escape those eyes that she spent many nights gazing into as her own sense of escape.

He nodded as she took a step forward and engulfed his frame with her own.

“Jess, I don’t want you to think I’ll do that again. I might slip up with a cigarette, but not drugs. Please don’t judge me for that, please.”

“What happened in your past doesn’t dictate who you are now and the person that you’re trying to become,” when a smile turned up on his face she continued. “When you know better, you do better.”

“Tell me about the men in your life.”

“Three boyfriends, five partners, all assholes.”

Zayn awarded her with a chuckle as she continued, “There was Christian who was really good to me, but we kind of just needed to be friends. Then, James, who I adored and until he cheated on me when I went to Italy for the summer. After that was Danny, he was my first true love…”

“You don’t still love him, do you? After what he did.”

“I always try to cherish the good times over the bad, so he still has a special place.”

“That prick abused you.”

“If he hadn’t, I would have still been with him in New York and not here in London with you.”

Zayn’s eyebrows furrowed at the thought. He wanted to show her how little of a man Danny was, but he saw the truth in her statement.

“How badly did he hurt you?”

She let out a dark chuckle, “One night I made him dinner, because he had just found out that he got the internship that he’d really wanted. I made this really thought out meal of all of his favorite things and I even made his favorite cake. I put it on top of this really nice, Swarovski cake plate that his mother bought us. When he got home, I smelled the alcohol and I tried to dismiss it and really just think about his accomplishment. He started getting really weird and he kept trying to touch me really sexually. I locked myself in our closet until I didn’t hear footsteps. I text Matthew, one of the gays in New York, to pick me up and he was waiting outside. Daniels footsteps had stopped for a good fifteen minutes, so I tried to sneak out. I opened to door quietly and I looked around for him. The kitchen was close to the door to leave. I already told Matty, if I didn’t come down in thirty minutes to come up to get me. Thank God, I did. Daniel was sitting at the table and he spoke really darkly. ‘Your boyfriend is downstairs.’ I just looked at him, waiting for his next move and her pulled the cake plate closer to him and ate some of the frosting. I had no idea what he was planning on doing, but it didn’t seem harmful at the time. I turned around to open the door and next thing I knew there was a cake on the wall and shattered glass in my skin. He pushed food of off a plastic tray and hit me with it repeatedly while I was down. He kicked me in my stomach and left fingerprints in my arms. He kept trying to rape me, but I fought back as best as I could. I screamed for Matty as loudly as I could the whole time. He came up to our apartment and kicked the door open. I can only imagine what he was thinking when he saw what was happening. We were in a penthouse, so there weren’t any neighbors really and the walls were soundproof. Matthew saw me and immediately got angry. He fought until Danny was down and took me out of the apartment. I stayed with Matt and his boyfriend for about three weeks until I got the call to come to London.”

“Why didn’t you tell me this before?” Zayn spoke softly and confused, tears streamed down his face profusely.

“I didn’t want you to be sad for me and feel like you needed to protect me.”

“I thought he slapped you, but he… “

“I know. I never led you to believe otherwise. At least we know that we’re both fucked up some ways.”

“Jess, I’m never going to touch you like that.”

“Zayn, I believe you. Just remember that when I’m being a bitch and really to myself. It’s made me a stronger girl, but it’s also made me a little close off.” Zayn nodded his head slowly, still processing the story.

“I’m making the vow now that I won’t hurt you the way he did.”

“Malik, just be nice to me and the rest will come.”

He knew what she meant by the rest, but that was the furthest thing from his mind after their story time session. He hadn’t caught a glimpse of her body, for the most part it was relatively covered up and now he knew why. He wanted to see what he did to her body. He needed to see the scars that she was riddled with due to Danny’s actions.

“I love you, Jessica.”

“I love you too, Zayn.”