Keep Digging Holes in The Desert

I sat on my bed and stared at the wall just thinking.
Lost in my own thoughts, which is never good.
My mind is a terrifying place when I'm lost in thought.
I've had a history of convincing myself to cut.
Almost killed myself once.
Vic stopped that.
But he isn't here this time.
So maybe I can successfully do it..
I stood up and walked to my bag of necessities.
I dug through and took everything out until I finally found it.
My escape.
The blade has always been there for me.
I looked at it smiling.
I then continued to press it to my arm and drag it across revealing the blood.
The blade was so sharp an new that blood gushed out.
I then heard banging downstairs.
I ignored it.
I didn't care.
I only needed to take away this emotional pain.
I made more cuts until my arm was covered in blood.
Suddenly my door slammed open.

"Val!"

My head shot up to see Vic and Jamie.
Fuck.
Vic ran to me and took the blade throwing it.
He picked me up and rushed me into the bathroom.
He set me on the toilet and wet down a rag and cleaned my arm.
Putting pressure on it to stop the bleeding.

"Jamie, first aid kit NOW." Vic ordered him.

I just stared at the wall ahead of me not saying a word.
He caused this.
Jaime then ran back in setting the box down and opening it.
Vic grabbed the gauze wrapping my arm several times.
Once he was done he made me look at him.
That's when the tears flowed down.

"Val listen to me, I promise I will never do this to you ever again. I will never leave you."

A sob broke out and I squeezed my eyes shut and opened them again to get the tears out.

"How did you know?" I whispered.
"We've been through this several times before. I know how you handle these types of situations."
"She's self harmed before?!" Jamie asked shocked.

Vic turned to look at him still cupping my face.

"Yes."

He looked at me again.

"You promised, Val."

A sob came out again and more tears followed.
I did promise him.
But he hurt me like he said he wouldn't.

"But you broke yours." I cried.

His hands dropped from my face and he looked away ashamed.
I stood up and walked out crawling into my bed.
He shouldn't be blaming me its his fault.
He walked out after Jamie left us and crawled into the bed behind me.
His arm wrapped around me.
It felt like how it used to be back in high school when he conforted me.
Before he was "famous".

"I'm sorry, Val."

I turned to look at him.

"It wasnt just tonight."
"What?"
"She's been bullying me for the past year and a half."
"What do you mean?"
"Calling me horrible names. Threatening me. She told me never to come back last night. I've been cutting for awhile."
"And you couldn't tell me because I was dating her..does anybody know?"

I shook my head.

"No.." I whispered. "Mike's always out with Elise and Tony is out being Tony. Partying all the time. I haven't told Jamie because clearly he can't handle it."

"Oh, Val...come here."

I cuddled up to his chest and just cried.
I missed him.
I missed being able to tell him everything and just crying everything out as he held me.
My Victor wasnt here when he was with Ashley.
He wasnt my best friend he was an asshole who took orders from his girlfriend.
I needed this so bad more than I knew.

Soon my cries turned sniffles.
He was just petting my hair and occasionally kissing the top of my head.
I was dozing off when he began to sing Bulletproof Love.
I never knew who he wrote that about..
When he finished I looked at him.

"Who is that about?"

He just sighed.

"It's about Ashley. We fight more than anything. I know I listen to her and do everything she says. But I love her Val... But I'm beginning to think its not worth it. It's not worth losing this friendship I have with you."

I lightly smiled.

"Do what you think is right. I can't make you do anything you don't want to."
"I miss you Val. So much."
"You have no idea."