I'll Never Be Good Enough

I walked off stage on a high. It had been a great show. The crowd had been fantastic, singing along to every song that Alex had sung.

But then I remembered him. He made me do bad stuff to my body. After such a good night, he was surely going to punish me.

"All right Jack?" Alex said, putting an arm around my shoulders.

Alex, Rian and Zack don't know about him. And for that reason, I kept my whimper of pain in.

I put a fake smile on my face for them.

"Yeah, great crowd tonight wasn't it?"

"Amazing! Did you hear them sing along to Damned If I Do Ya?" Alex asked.

"I was there Alex, of course I heard them."

"Cut yourself. Now." The voice said in my ear.

I can't, not now. Not in front of the others.

"Now."

I slipped my tiny blade out of my pocket and hid it in my sleeve. When Alex was talking to Zack and Rian, I pressed the sharp blade against the soft skin on my wrist and felt the blood seep out. Success.

"Well done, you are strong Jack."

I grinned, cautiously placing the blade back in my pocket.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I was in my bunk, worn out after signing things for the fans and playing tonight. I watched the light glint off the shiny blade I held in front of my face. It was very pretty.

"Hello Jack. Are you going to cut yourself?" The voice said.

Yes, where would you like me to cut?

"Your thighs would be nice."

No one ever sees the inside of my thighs, the perfect hiding place.

I reached down and pulled my jeans and boxers down. Now I had a clear view of my bare thighs. I placed the blade against my unblemished skin and pressed. It hurt, but it would be worth it. Small droplets of red blood dribbled out when I removed my blade. I smiled.

"Jack, that's not enough." The voice whispered.

I know. Why else would I be cutting more harshly this time?

More blood dribbled out of the three shallow cuts now on my thigh. I sighed, that should be enough.

"Well done Jack." And the voice disappeared.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
"Jack! We're going out!" Alex yelled.

I pulled my jeans and boxers back up, covering the healing cuts on my thighs and got up. Alex ran straight into me. I fell to the floor.

"Ow. Fuck." I said, as I had opened up the cuts on my thighs and, at the same time, landed on my cut wrist.

Alex put out a hand to help me up, I grasped it with my left hand, not thinking.

"Holy shit Jack, what's that?" Alex said, grabbing my arm and pulling the sleeve up. He stared at the slowly bleeding cut on my wrist.

"A cut." I said, removing my hand from his grip and shrugging my sleeve back down, covering my wrist.

"Right."
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I always carry my blade around with me, as I never know when he is going to ask me to cut again.

Like now for instance. I was in a bar with Alex, Rian and Zack, getting slowly drunker with each beer I had.

I held onto the wall as I made my way giddily to the bathroom. I laughed.

"Jack."

The voice was back. Do you want me to cut?

"Of course Jack. Where are you going to cut Jack?"

My shoulders, they're easy to reach and plus, I get more pain from there as people are always hugging me.

"Excellent."

Just as I pulled my top off to cut, Alex came in.

"Continue Jack." said the voice.

"Jack, what are you doing?" He asked, stumbling towards me.

I can't, not when Alex is here.

"He's drunk, he won't notice."

I think he'd notice if I plunged a blade into my shoulder.

"Fine, delay. It'll be worse for you later on you know Jack."

Fine.

The voice went silent.

I turned my attention to Alex, who was struggling to stay standing.

I put my top back on and said to Alex, "What's up?"

"Why did you have your top off Jack?" He asked.

"Oh, I felt a bit hot, so I thought I'd cool off."

Alex titled his head to the left, "Why didn't you just go outside?"

"Couldn't be bothered."

He looked as though he accepted my answer, for now.