String

Break was spent with friends, grandma, and the thought of Zappa. I was in love, I was admitting it now. But my heart was aching with the unknown. I wanted to know if I had any chance. I began writing about him, making stories, poems, you name it. I was trying to get all of these emotions out. I didn't want him to know that I was in love.

It was probably a month into the first trimester of my Senior year when I came up with the plan. I would write Zappa a note, a short little note, not too revealing too much, but a note that basically told him how I felt. How it was always him, how I liked him, how I wish I could just hear him say that he didn't like me or such so I could move on. I was at that point, and I had the plan set. I had new friends, one being Savannah, who was worried about me. She knew that I was bottling this up a bit too much....

It was probably about two months into the trimester, I think it was October, so maybe more than that, when Sav first suggested I should tell him ASAP. I didn't really want to, and at first she was a bit apprehensive about it, but we said that it's beter now because of what was happening. I was under a lot of stress, I was questioning my sanity, and I was questioning if I needed to move on or not. We knew I had to. One night I wrote up a simple note, I don't even remember anymore what it said, and folded it up. I was going to wait after school that next day and hand it to Zappa as he walked past. I knew he walked past my bus stop to go to wherever he did, so it was all set out. We had to wait about an hour, though, because the teacher left much later than us, obviously.

I chickened out, both Sav and Jamie were with me. Jamie took the note, and ran up to him. I watched from across the street, confused. I couldn't tell what exactly was going on, I thought he had taken the note. Jamie went up to him once, and then twice, and I still had no clue what was going on. She came back, shaking her head.

"He said he was on the phone, that it would wait until Monday," she said, confused.

I slouched in defeat for a minute, probably saying how it was better, that I got my answer. But determination built up inside me, and I grabbed Sav and ran off. I caught up to him, standing near Market Square, but I chickened out again. It took me awhile to convice Sav to do it for me, she was hestitant over what Jamie had gone through, but she did it. Again, the same excuse. I was broken. I was hurt. I cried in the middle of a huge goddamn crowd. He couldn't take the note. He wouldn't take the note. I was so angry, so hurt. I walked back to my stop, angry. I grabbed my phone, typed an email to him stating something along the lines of "at least read this," and basically said a few things to him. Nothing mean, more sarcastic, more of what was in the note. After I sent it I felt a bit stupid. But I was sure he would answer.

He didn't.

That Monday (we did this on a Friday) I was called down to the counsilor. Zappa had never answered me, not one word.

"Well, maybe he'll be in the councilors office," I thought. I was still angry. I was still hurt, but I wanted answers.

He wasn't there. I was beyond mad now, I hated him, loathed him, he couldn't even fucking face me? He hadn't said one word to me, and he just handed me over like I wasn't even a fucking human being? I was steaming. He thought that ignoring me would make me get the hint. I shouted at the counsilor, becoming more and more filled with stress and anger. Finally, I got up, opening the door.

"Leave Zappa this message for me, screw off!" I slammed the door open and then shut, storming off back into my quiet room.