Sometimes I Wish I Could Disappear

I slowly approached the bench and sat down staring into the fog that surrounds this place. The trees seem far distant enough for me not to give you the details of the lines that seemed carved into them making them a wonder of art. I completely have my mind filled with empty and no worries. I sat here in the chilly November air and start thinking about how life couldn’t be any more beautiful. I cant believe just a few years ago I wanted to die. I wanted to be done, erased from the memory of this earth, no one would notice anyways.

I figured my own path of survival, inspiration is the key, hope is the motivation, and life is the reality. How did I get past these years without any help? How did I make it to a decent life? I would tell you my story, but its too complicated to understand my pain. One sentence life story. My parents are dead, my life sucked, I was bullied and I am lactose and tolerant. What’s more to say?
I had just become aware that the morning fog is about to leave me unrevealed, but I don’t want the fog to leave, it keeps me hidden, from my dark secrets, from what I look like. It relates to me in many ways. So I must say I love to watch the beautiful people around me. Yes I know what a weird hobby I love to do, besides guitar. I love to watch the faces on the many people I see, the diverse community. There are people who are truly happy, there are people who hide their sadness but manage to stay happy for others, which I find very attracting and inspiring. Those are the strong ones who can deal with their own problems and know it’ll pass through someday.

I sat here thinking to myself as these wondrous creatures walk about, enjoying themselves, their company, and the nature. I may seem like a loner to you. Well, to be honest I am a loner. I don’t mind living a single life, being free and wild as I please, being myself and nobody can judge me for it, nobody can scold me, tell me what to do, I’m guilty free. I smile and see a little girl drop her doll. I gasped and ran to get it for her, but she beat me to it. Her mother gave me a dirty look. The little girl smiled at me though. “Thank you mister,” she says to me. I gave her a timid smile and nodded. “Honey what did I tell you about talking to strangers?” her mother taunts her. I became angry, “But mommy that man was going to pick it up for me, he’s nice,” she replies. The smile came back to my face. “Well, it doesn’t matter, he’s just trying to get you on his good side and those god awful tattoos on you, you should be ashamed of yourself young man,” she says to her and then scolds me. “Ma’am I don’t need your opinions about who I am and I surely don’t care what you think of me, don’t judge what you don’t know,” I reply respectfully to her. The little girl was watching me and had small cute smile on her, saying I’m sorry through her eyes. I just smiled back at her and glared at the mother. “Hmph!” she forces out and turns her snotty head away from me pulling her innocent daughter along with her. Poor kid, but yet again she’s lucky to have a mother to teach her, love her, watch her and be her protector. Although I really despise that woman. I walk back to the bench, continuing the activity I was enjoying earlier, before the mother and the girl interfered with my generosity.

I sat there all morning, hearing conversations, laughter, and romantic scenes that I really didn’t care for. I never been in a relationship with anybody, yet I never had a girlfriend or boyfriend. I plan on not having one for a while. Yes I said boyfriend earlier. I’m bi-curious. I never knew what it was like to be into men, not that I tried, but I just cant find them really attractive, I guess its more the personality I’m after. Same goes for women, it’s the personality I’m after. I don’t mind having a wondrously good looking lover where I can drool over him or her everyday. That’s just not going to happen someday or now I suppose.

I sigh to myself realizing I’m never going to have anybody if I keep acting anti-social and locking myself in a shell. I do love having a social life, but that all ended when I found out he was stealing money from me. I don’t want to think about it right now. As the day presses on, I realize its Sunday and I have to go to work tomorrow, not the best part of the week. Yeah, I guess being a Video Game Tester is pretty awesome, but it gets boring if you have no one to play them with, plus I’m at home all the rest of the day trying to pass levels and figuring out the glitches and problems with the game, you also got to have skill and a wide set mind. You need imagination for the games, something I don’t have, but quietly use when its just myself.

I only sit on this bench Saturday and Sundays, its my peaceful time, I call it. I like to listen to music these days, all day. I just forgot to charge my iPod last night, so I had to come without it. I did mention I do play guitar, I have a weird obsession with music. Music is my blood, soul, life, health, protector, and my world. I just love it with all my heart, I could make a career out of it, but I was always to shy to even try to go to the big companies and producers. Afraid they’ll put me down like everyone else in my life has. I see the sun is getting high in the sky and it announces it’s almost around 8:00 in the morning.

I stand up and brush my pants off and start walking toward home, not even having a realization someone has an eye on me for the longest time, but never had the courage to come talk to me.