First Day on a Brand New Planet

14.

When I walked into the living room of the house I seen he was on the phone shouting. I only caught certain parts because I was so out of it. “Why can’t we do anything about it now…. That’s Bullshit…. Tell your supervisor to call me back.” It’s been like this most of my life, if it wasn’t one thing it was another. First, Jared and “her” - Then, I got robbed. Now, I have to be at the one place I’d rather not be. I was truly being tested and I was failing, I honestly don’t know if I could handle anything else.

He threw the cordless phone across the room and it shattered into pieces. He fell down on the couch next to me and threw his arm around me, pulling me into him. I let him at first, but then I pulled away.

“Don’t do that.” I demanded. As much as I wanted to be in his arms, I couldn’t let myself be that vulnerable with him. He let go as I demanded and leaned back on the couch and sighed deeply.

“Who was that on the phone?” I asked trying to change the mood in the room.

“The police.” I was shocked. “The police? Why?” I asked.

“Because some fucker broke into your apartment that’s why! And I’ve already called your landlord also.” he said.

“What did they say?” I asked. That didn’t even cross my mind that I should call those people. The first person I thought of was Jared.

“The police are working on it - slowly - and the landlord is getting the locks changed.” he said.

“Oh.” I breathed out.

“Like that will do any good.” he said under his breath.

“What?” I asked.

“Taylor, I don’t want you going back to that apartment! Who knows what could happen next or who could come in there. I don’t want to think about what could’ve happened if you were there when they broke in. Just so you know you can stay here as long as you’d like. I’d prefer you stay here actually. I know you don’t want to be here though, so I’d understand if you want to go somewhere else.” he quickly said, all in one breath.

“Thank you Jared. That means a lot.” I looked up and locked in on his eyes. He was staring at me, his eyes were full of sadness. I automatically felt bad for him. How is that? I thought to myself, how can I feel bad for him, when I was the one who was hurting.

“If you want me to get you a hotel room or if you want to stay with Emma, I’ll arrange that for you, if you want?” he asked as a soft smile adorned his handsome face.

He looked at me intensely while he waited on a reply from me. Did I want to stay somewhere else? I liked Emma, she was a great friend, but I would feel like I was intruding on her alone time from him and I didn’t want to be by myself in a hotel room, so his house was the only option.

“Can I just stay here….. with you?” I asked. His eyes brightened and he was smiling. It made me feel good about my decision for a split second, but what he had done always was in the back of my mind to keep me from feeling happy.

“Yes! I’d love….” his words trailed off for a moment as he gained his composure. “….I’d really like it if you stayed here.” he said, now calmer than before.

“I’ll go make up a room for you, okay?” he suggested. I haven’t stayed in the other rooms in the house, I’ve always stayed in his room. I nodded in agreement and watched him walk away. I laid my head back on the couch and took a deep breath for a few moments.

“Wanna come help me?” I jumped up to see him standing there in the foyer. He scared me. How long had he been standing there? I thought to myself.

“Okay.” I said. So I followed him upstairs to a room that was 3 doors down from his own. “Will this be okay? It’s the biggest room other than mine.” he asked.

“This will be great, Jared.” I said trying to sound enthusiastic. All I wanted to do was cry from all of the stress I was under, but I refrained from letting him see me shed any tears.

He walked over to the small closet and retrieved some sheets, pillows, and a blanket. Throwing the blanket and pillow into the tan colored chair in the corner, we both help put on the sheets, then threw the blanket and pillows on it. He brought me a small lamp in there incase I wanted to read at night and he took the small TV from the bedroom next to his and put it on the dresser for me to watch television.

I watched as he did all of this stuff for me, because he wanted to and it sent a safe feeling over me. I mean, I knew I was safe from anyone coming into Jared’s house, but it was a different kind of feeling - like, I was safe with him.

Before I knew it, I had my arms wrapped around him and tears fell heavily from my eyes. It felt good to let it all go for a moment. He didn’t respond to me at first, but he eventually wrapped his arms around me tightly - almost too tight to where I couldn’t breathe - like he was going to lose me when he let go. He laid his head on top of mine and we stood like that for what seemed like an eternity. He waited on me to pull away and he looked down at me and wiped away the tears that were strewn down my face.

“Everything will be okay. I promise.” he said.

I nodded and wiped the tears some more and looked up at him and smiled. I had no reason to smile at all, but I forced myself to do so.

Trying to change the subject, I asked, “Where is everybody today? I just realized no one is here.”

“When you called I sent everyone home.” he said. “Oh.”, I replied. I don’t know why he’d send everyone home on my account, I thought.

“Look, I know you are going through a hard time right now. And I’m partly to blame for that. I made a mistake.” he said. I tried to cut him off, but he kept talking. “I would still like to have a talk with you about that. Everyone is gone for the rest of the day and night and I think it would be a great opportunity to do so - uninterrupted. But…. if you want to be alone, I understand. I’m going to go downstairs. If you want to join me you can, if not, that’s fine too.” he said before giving me a gentle hug and closing the bedroom door behind him.

I laid down on the bed and watched the ceiling fan as it spun above me. A few moments had passed by when I heard a guitar being played. There was no denying that I could watch him play his guitar all day and not get bored. I fought back and forth with myself about going downstairs, I knew I shouldn’t, but I did. I couldn’t help myself. His music made everything seem okay.

As I walked down the stairs, the strumming got louder. I watched him as I leaned on the wall. He looked up and stopped suddenly.

“Oh no, please play.” I pleaded with him. He sat in the chair with his foot propped up on the coffee table. He leaned up and patted the seat on the couch next to him and I laughed to myself as I walked over and sat down.

“I missed that.” he said under his breath.

“What? You missed what?” I asked.

“Nothing. Just you smiling. It’s beautiful, ya know?” he said as he unconsciously strummed away on the guitar. I smiled at his words.

I noticed the phone was put back together, it was laying beside his foot on the table. I watched him while he was lost in his world of music. He was in his own bubble and I could tell he was happy there. I wish I could be happy. I was happy before, until that night in the hotel. How can something so great happen one moment, then it could just disappear in another? I thought moving out to LA was going to be a dream and for the most part it has been a nightmare with the exception of one or two moments.

I threw the small throw blanket that was sitting on the arm of the couch over my legs and focused on the ceiling fan above me - once again. I got lost in my thoughts while Jared put music to them with his strumming. They took me back to Miami, that night in the hotel. He was so different that night, not just because we had sex, but he seemed to be a different person - more vulnerable. I remember him saying, You don’t want me? At the moment, I thought that was so funny, but now that I think about it, it saddened me.

“How could you do that to me?” I said without thinking. I was still focused on the fan above me spinning around.

It wasn’t until he said, “What?”, that I realized I had spoken my thoughts. I looked up with wide eyes and his expression matched my own. I could not believe I just opened my mouth and said that. I didn’t want to talk about it, not now anyways. I had to talk now, there was no getting out of it.

I took a deep breath and asked him again. “How could you do that to me? You wanted to talk, so let’s talk.” I sat up and faced him. He laid his guitar on the stand next to his chair and faced me.

“It was a mistake Taylor. If I could take it back, I would in a heartbeat.” he said. I believed him, but that still didn’t make it alright.

“We’re not together. We weren’t together before that night. That’s not the problem here. I just can’t get over the fact that you would say that to me with what happened just a few moments before.” He was focused on something other than me. It was like he was scared to look at me, but I burned a hole through him. I wanted him to see me and see how intensely I was hurting.

“Did you have any feelings for me?” he asked. Was he serious? Did I have feelings for him? I obviously did if I would go as far as to have sex with the man.

“Jared! Don’t do that! Just answer me!” I yelled at him trying to avoid the question.

“You want the truth?! I’m not 100% comfortable telling you the real reason why I did it. But…. if it will help you get over what happened then I will.” he struggled with his words. His voice had grown raspy and thick.

“I wouldn’t want anything less than the truth Jared.” I said softly. I wanted to crawl into his lap and wrap my arms around him. How come I felt so bad for him right now?

“You have driven me insane since you brought your little ass into this house! Is that enough TRUTH for ya?” he said angrily. I gasped at his words. He shot up to finally look at me in my eyes and his eyes looked dark and evil.

He continued as I was locked into his eyes, “Taylor, you are so… different….”

“Jared I’m not different.” I said interrupting him.

“Yes! You Are! Ever since that trip to the grocery store when you spatted off to me in the truck, I knew something was different with you. I couldn’t put my finger on it. I didn’t even know if I really liked you or not at first.” I laughed at the last part and so did he.

“So when you said what you did that night before the flight to Miami in your driveway, it scared me. I am used to dishing it out but I’ve never been on the receiving end to see how it felt.” he said while he nervously scratched at some old nail polish on his thumb.

“What did I say?” I asked. I had completely forgotten what was said that night, all I remember was that I was under the influence.

“You said…. Why are you like this?” I unconsciously started laughing at his admission.

“Why did that scare you?” I asked still laughing to myself, but he didn’t seem amused.

“Like I said, I am not used to getting back what I dish out.” he said. I was about to speak when he quickly cut me off.

“Taylor! The only reason I called that girl and flew to Miami early was to see if what I felt for you was real. You had just driven me insane and that was the only thing I thought of to do.” he was locked in on my eyes again.

“You had sex with her?” I asked. The thought had ran through my mind, but I tried to become oblivious to it. He didn’t speak. He nodded in agreement though. I felt the tears building up in my eyes. I knew he was very “active”, there was no denying that fact. Why was I shocked then when he told me? It hurt bad enough that he brushed me off that night like I was just his employee and nothing took place, but this news pushed me over the edge.

He moved to sit next to me on the couch, but I didn’t want any part of him touching me. The thoughts I had earlier about feeling slightly bad for him had completely vanished. Tears finally started falling from my eyes in a constant pattern, but I didn’t try to stop them. I wanted him to know how bad I was hurting. I knew he was bothered by my reaction, but he had a great way of putting up a wall so I couldn’t tell how much it affected him.

Standing up, I looked down at the brown haired man as he looked up at me. “Jared.” I said before taking a brief pause. I felt like there was a lump in my throat the size of Texas and it was keeping me from speaking.

“Jared, it’s okay.” I said. He shot up to stare at me in confusion.

“It’s NOT okay. What are you talking about Taylor?” he said scarcely. You know that feeling when you become numb and you’ve cried so much that it feels like you aren’t in your body anymore? Like nothing else can hurt you because you can’t feel anything else? That’s how I felt in that moment. I was looking at a man sitting on the couch below me as he looked up at me, visibly hurt himself, but that didn’t affect me - not at this moment.

“No. It is okay. You went to test your feelings that you felt for me me with another girl. I was just stupid enough to test my feelings for you - WITH YOU! I was a complete idiot to let my guard down with you, but I did. There’s no taking that back. But there is one thing I can do…” I said with the tears still flowing freely on my face and down my neck soaking the top of my shirt.

“Taylor, don’t do anything right now please!!” he said. His eyes was glassy, almost like if he let himself, he could cry.

I just smiled down at him. “Jared. I can not be in the same house as you. Not right now. And I’m not certain if I’ll ever be able to look at your face again. It’s too hard. So, I quit. I can’t be around you, knowing what all has happened. I do care about you, if you are still wondering, that’s why it is so hard.” I said before I started making my way towards the front door.

“Taylor! Where are you going? You can’t go back to your apartment!” he said intensely following behind me as I walked through the doorway, but I was so numb to him that his words went into one ear and out of the other.

“I’d rather be there than here with you.” I said after turning around and facing him. His eyes were full of tears waiting to escape, but they never did. It hurt more than anything saying that to him. I couldn’t help the way I felt though, I guess I cared about him more than I thought.

After I said those words it was like he lost all feeling in his legs, suddenly he dropped to sit down in the doorway. I had an urge to comfort him, and maybe he would return the favor to me, but I didn’t. He was leaned over with his arms resting on his legs, as his hands covered his damp eyes and that’s how I left him.