We All Fall Down

I didn’t want to do it. But, I had promised his mom I would. And, I owed him that much, right? In my defense, would you want to clean out your dead boyfriends’ room? I took a deep breath before knocking on the Gaskarths door. It was chilly outside and I had a pair of skinny jeans on and one of Alexs’ beanies on. He had left it at my house the last time we were together. That day seemed ages ago. A shiver rippled through my body and I knew it wasn’t from the cold. I could hear footsteps from the other side of the door, and swiped my fringe out of my face before Isobel appeared. Her smile was sad, as were her eyes. Everything about her being was so sad and fragile. Like anything could break her at any given moment. Of course, she had her reasons. This was the second son she had lost in her lifetime. A mother shouldn’t witness her son die at twenty-four – as Mayday Parade has said. Or any other age at that matter. Especially not at 17.

“Oh, darling you came. Come in, come in. I wouldn’t want you to catch a cold.” She opened the door to the house I was so familiar with wider letting me inside. My vans squeaked as I stepped ontop of the bleached white tiles. I tried to hide my frown as I looked around the room. It seemed like everything reminded me of Alex, and it fucking sucked. “Are you sure you want to do this?” She asked him, placing her hand on my shoulder lightly. I just nodded as a response. I needed to do this. For him and for myself as well. “Well, you know where his room is love. Take your time.” Her hand pushed my shoulders forward softly and she went back into the kitchen. I sucked in a deep breath and made my way past the living room, where Alex and I had spent endless amount of nights cuddling and watching movies. My minded flooded with the memories that I didn’t want to think about. I didn’t need this to be any harder than it already was going to be. I shook my head as if to get the thoughts out and climbed up the stairs two at a time.

The hall was full of pictures, pictures of the Gaskarth family, of Tom, of Alex and so on. I smiled softly and turned away from them. Just around the corner was his room. Just around the corner was the room of the boy I loved dearly, the boy I held close to my heart. The boy I swore I was going to marry one day. That would never happen now of course. I cleared my throat and braced myself before turning the corner and opening the door to the bedroom. As soon as I stepped inside I was hit with his scent. Biting my lip I had to will myself not to cry. I couldn’t cry. Not yet anyway. I hadn’t even been here for more than ten minutes. I had to be strong. For Alex. Closing the door behind me I walked further into the room. My eyes wandered around the room taking everything in as if I wouldn’t be able to see this sight ever again. I probably wouldn’t if I’m being honest. Hell, who am I kidding? After today I know for a fact that I won’t be in here ever again. The thought made sadness run through my veins.

The walls to his room were a pale light blue; you could hardly see the walls though. There were too many posters covering them. Most of them were of Blink-182, but there were others some including Of Mice and Men, Pierce the Veil and even Memphis May Fire. Signed tickets from gigs we had gone to together were on a corkboard above his desk. I smiled looking at it. Posted on it weren’t just tickets but also a photo of us from our one year anniversary. I took small, slow steps towards the desk and took a seat on the office desk chair that was there. It was a cheap piece of shit from Walmart and it was falling apart. Not that it mattered because Alex would never need to use it again.

In front of me was the letter. His letter. The last thing he had ever written before he took his last breaths. The only thing that he left behind. His goodbye.

Yes. That’s right. My boyfriend, the always smiling, laughing and goofy Alexander William Gaskarth had committed suicide.