We All Fall Down

My hands were still shaking as I placed the letter back down on the wooden desk. I regretted reading it the second my eyes scanned the first sentence. To read those words to know that this was honestly how he felt made my stomach churn uneasily. I felt as though I was going to be sick. I couldn’t eve being to imagine how his parents must have felt when they read it. It mustn’t have been a pretty sight.

Slowly I pushed myself up off of the shitty chair and stood as I ran my fingers through my hair. I had forgotten I was wearing his beanie though, and the small piece of cloth tumbled to the ground. Sighing I bent down to pick it up but found something else, and far more important. It was my copy of The Perks of Being a Wallflower that I had let him borrow to read. Well, actually. I forced him into reading it. Although Alex was a really bright kid with a great future ahead of him he hated reading. He was more into science, always fascinated by astronomy and physics; which was the complete opposite of me. I would rather get lost in a book. But I insisted, and basically begged for him to read the book for me. It didn’t take him long to give in, and I know for a fact that he didn’t regret reading it, at all. I picked up the small paperback and flipped through the pages with a timid smile forming on my lips. He had some of his favorite pages marked off and I turned to his absolute favorite page, page 69. And no, it wasn’t because of the number; but because of the words on it.

“ And Sam looked at the paper and then she looked at me.

"Charlie. . . Have you ever kissed a girl?"

I shook my head no. It was so quiet.

"Not even when you were little?"

I shook my head no again. And she looked very sad.

She told me about the first time she was kissed. She told me that it was with one of her dad's friends. She was seven. And she told nobody except Mary Elizabeth and then Patrick a year ago. And she started to cry. And she said something that I won't forget. Ever.

"I know that you know that I like Craig. And I know that I told you not to think of me that way. And I know that we can't be together like that. But I want to forget all those things for a minute. Okay?"

"Okay"

"I want to make sure that the first person you kiss loves you. Okay?"

"Okay" She was crying harder now. And I was, too, because when I hear something like that I just can't help it.

"I just want to make sure of that. Okay?"

"Okay"
And she kissed me. And it was the kind of kiss that I could never tell my friends about out loud. It was the kind of kiss that made me know that I was never so happy in my whole life. ”

There was yet another lump forming in the back of my throat that I had to swallow down. It reminded me of our first kiss in some ways. Alex had been in a relationship with some girl in our Spanish class, thinking back on it now I think her name was Lisa. I was single, but that wasn’t a surprise. Alex had been my first official relationship. Alex was my first everything.

It was just us, sitting in his room. He had some Blink album playing in the background and we were talking about how Lisa just wasn’t what Alex wanted. She was nice and sweet and pretty but Alex just couldn’t find the feelings for her anymore. He said he ‘couldn’t feel the spark in their kiss’. My innocent mind grew curious not knowing what spark he was talking about. I had looked at him as I tilted my head and asked in a timid voice. “You feel a spark when you kiss?”

He giggled slightly and nodded his head. “Usually. When I have really strong feelings for them. Like, when I really love them, y’know?” But I shook my head because no, I didn’t know. I had never kissed anyone that wasn’t related to me, ever. He scrunched his face up, confused. “What do you mean?”

My cheeks got hot as I squeaked out. “I’ve never been kissed before.” After a silence that was oddly comforting and not awkward at all, I looked up at him and licked my lips as his lips twitched until a small smile. We stood like that for a long time. Staring into each other’s eyes slowly, ever so slowly inching closer before our lips touched. And only then did I realize what spark he was talking about. Because I had felt it. My whole face felt as if it were on fire as I pulled away and he only said.
“Yeah. I only feel that spark when I kiss someone I truly love.”