Perfect Symmetry

Viktor did indeed call me and we had lunch the next day. Things were seemingly normal again. Jonathan called a lot; he was feeling a bit lonely without Danielle to talk to, and Kaner had had enough of him. I went over once in a while and we just hung out. It was nice.

One day I went over and he taught me how to play Mario Kart. I got pretty good pretty fast and pretty soon we were having heated battles. My cell rang in the middle of a race, so I paused it.

“What the fuck is that about?” Jonathan groaned as I pulled out my phone and answered it.

“Hello?” I stifled my giggles.

“Jazz; it’s me,” Viktor’s voice poured into my ears, and all traces of laughter left my body.

“Oh...hey Viktor,” I greeted unsteadily.

“Where are you? I dropped by your place but there’s no one there,” he explained casually.

“Yeah, I know; I’m at my friend Christy’s house...do you remember her? I haven’t seen her in ages so I thought I would drop by. Sorry I didn’t tell you,” I rambled in a silly manner.

He chuckled. “You don’t have to report where you go to me, Jazz. I was just going to ask you to dinner in a couple hours.”

I bit my lip. “I would, Viktor, I really would, but we’ve got a girl’s night planned. I’ll call you tomorrow and we’ll do something then.”

“I have a game at noon tomorrow,” Viktor replied flatly.

I sighed. “Well then I’ll talk to you tomorrow and we’ll figure something out okay? Now I have to go.”

“Fine. Talk to you tomorrow,” he said quietly before hanging up.

I took a deep breath and put my phone back into my bag. I could feel a headache coming on. I rubbed my temples until I felt Jon’s hand on my shoulder.

“What was that, Jazz?” he asked curiously.

I shrugged. “He gets touchy whenever I mention us hanging out, so I fibbed.”

“Why are you lying to him? You can go out to dinner with him; I don’t need to be babysat,” Jonathan insisted, turning off the TV.

I gave him a small smile. “I know. Things have just been tense with him lately. I don’t know what’s changed.”

“Well I’ll tell you one thing; you’re not going to fix the relationship by lying to him. Tell him you’re hanging out with me sometimes. He won’t care,” he declared.

I laughed shortly. “That’s optimistic.”

“Don’t lie to him, Jazz. Stally’s a good guy and he deserves better than that,” Jonathan declared.

I looked at Jonathan funnily. “You know, you’ve been a lot nicer to me lately.”

“It’s because you’re being nice to me,” he explained with a laugh, getting up and grabbing some sodas from the kitchen.

“Hmm,” I said thoughtfully, walking over to his huge windows that overlooked the entire city and even part of the lake. “It’s so lovely.”

“I know,” Jonathan agreed, standing next to me. “I can’t get over it. It’s just as amazing as when I saw it the first time.”

“Do you ever miss home?” I asked him curiously.

He shrugged. “This is my home now. I love Winnipeg and I love my family but this is where I belong.”

I smiled. “I think I’d better go. Hey, someone’s birthdays coming up, huh?

He blushed. “Couple of weeks away yet. Haven’t really thought about it.”

“Well we’ll figure out something to do,” I assured him.

After a quick pat on the back and a kiss on the cheek, I left his place and went home. I went to bed at ten like an old lady and I slept like a log.
~

As the days passed, I got pretty bored on the weekends. Hailey was never really around anymore; she spent so much time with Seabrook, and I was really happy for her. I just felt a little lonely at home. I didn’t like to bother Jon and Pat, and Viktor and I were still in this weird funk and I was avoiding him. I was going to call Burish and get him to buy me lunch somewhere when the phone rang.

“Hello?” I answered cheerfully.

“Hey,” Viktor’s voice was deep and solemn.

I grinned. “Hey stranger. How are you?”

“I’m uh...downstairs,” he sounded sheepish. “How about we go for a walk?”

“And can we grab some food too? I’m starved,” I added out loud. “I’ll be down in one minute.”

I pulled on my boots and a light jacket. The sun was shining in Chicago again, and although it wasn’t quite warm yet, spring was on its way.

Viktor looked good, but he was just in jeans and a sweatshirt. I greeted him with a smile and I kissed him gently. He took a deep breath and led the way outside.

We made it half a block before he started talking.

“Jazz...this past month or so has been weird,” he started nervously.

I nodded. “I know, and it’s totally my fault, Viktor. I’ll try and-”

Viktor grabbed my hand and squeezed it to make me stop talking.

“Let me finish, okay?” he asked me.

I nodded and his hand slipped from mine and we kept walking.

“I don’t think you’ve really been in this relationship since March. I tried to avoid the subject; I tried to be the nice, flexible boyfriend. But I don’t think I can do it anymore,” he finished quietly.

I gaped at him and pulled him onto a bench and sat down.

“If we are having this conversation, we are going to look at each other and do it,” I stated forcefully. “Viktor, I’m in this relationship. I know I’ve been distant lately but it’s just stress and-”

“Your heart isn’t in it, Jazz. Just admit it. We aren’t a proper couple! When the whole Danielle thing happened, you never would have told me if I hadn’t run into you at the United Center, would you?” he demanded.

I winced. That was true.

“I thought so. Normal couples communicate. And Toews told me you two have been hanging out a lot. Why didn’t you tell me?” he looked hurt now, and I felt tears coming.

“I...I didn’t want to mess everything up,” I choked, covering my face with my hands.

“Honey...the only way you mess up a relationship is by lying. Haven’t romantic comedies taught you anything?” Viktor asked exasperatedly.

I laughed shakily. “I’m sorry.”

“But I get it, you know? I think I knew it from the moment I met you; Toews had already staked his claim on you. And you always wanted him,” Viktor explained with a pained smile.

I groaned. “Viktor, I wanted you! I still want you, if you’ll take me.”

He shook his head. “I think it’s best for the both of us if we move on.”

“Toews and I...we’re friends, Viktor. He’s a non-factor,” I tried to assure him.

Viktor took my chin and gently tilted it up.

“Don’t lie to me, Jazz. It’s okay. I’ve accepted it. You might have held back those feelings while he was in a relationship and while we were in a relationship. But you don’t have to anymore. Please. Don’t let me hold you back,” his voice was so earnest and his blue eyes so caring that I started crying.

I tried to wipe the tears away quickly, but I wasn’t fast enough, and Viktor pulled me into a warm hug as I cried on him.

“You shouldn’t have to do this,” I mumbled, “this relationship is over.”

“I still care about you,” Viktor growled. “Even if I can’t love you.”

More tears spilled out and I pulled myself away from Viktor’s chest and looked at him properly.

“You are the best, sweetest guy I’ve ever been with,” I told him honestly. “And I’ll miss you very much. I...I think I could have loved you.”

“Could have isn’t quite what I’m looking for,” Viktor gave me a wry smile.

I nodded understandingly. “I don’t want you to think I’m leaving you for Jonathan. Because I’m not.”

“I don’t care,” Viktor declared vehemently. “You deserve to do whatever you want to. But know that I’ll always be here; a friend.”

I smiled tearfully and took his sweatshirt neck and pulled him towards me, echoing our first kiss on the lawn that day. I kissed him tenderly and he poured just as much feeling into it too.

I pulled away and stood up, wiping my tears away.

“Bye Viktor,” I tried to keep my voice steady.

Viktor looked at me without a trace of a smile on his face.

“Goodbye, Jazz.”
~

I stayed seated on that bench for several minutes, trying to grasp what had just happened. I had just...been dumped. Very nicely dumped, but dumped nonetheless. My relationship since November...5 months was gone. Viktor was no longer my partner, and I would never be able to be with him again.

This brought tears to my eyes all over again. I eventually stood up, wrapped my arms around my middle and walked back to my apartment. I went for a shower, partly to get rid of the stench of break up, and partly so I could cry and the tears just blended in with the shower water and slid off my face silently.

I heard Hailey come home and I quickly sucked up my tears and got out of the shower with a towel wrapped around my body. I crept out of the bathroom, hoping to avoid Hailey altogether. She looked absolutely radiant, and she beamed at me when she saw me.

“Jazz! I didn’t think you’d be home. Anyway, get dressed; I need to talk to you ASAP,” she said eagerly.

I nodded meekly and walked into my bedroom to get changed. I towel dried my hair and left it loose and emerged from my room wearing sweats and an old Loyola crewneck I still kept around.

Hailey was making tea, and without even asking she placed a steaming cup in front of me and I smiled in gratitude. I was surprised she hadn’t asked me why I was taking a shower in the middle of the day. Usually all of my emotions were easy for her to read.

She sat down next to me and smiled as she put down her cup.

“You’re suspiciously happy,” I remarked as I took a quick sip of the piping hot tea.

Hailey’s grin stretched wider. “So you know things have been going really well with Brent.”

I nodded quietly, my own heart sinking as my mind flickered to Viktor.

“I’m really happy they are,” I threw in quickly, trying to recover.

She beamed at me. “Well, so am I. And he took me out to lunch today and asked me to move in with him.”

I gaped at her. “You...you’re going to move in with Seabrook?”

Hailey nodded excitedly. “It’s crazy. But we’ve known each other for like five months now. And we’re ready for that next step. And he’s the sweetest guy, Jazz. Like I’ve never met anyone so nice.”

I tried to smile genuinely, but I felt like it was slipping off my face. I touched her arm gently.

“So...you’ll be moving out,” I deduced.

She nodded, still excited. “Well...yeah, so I can move in with Brent.”

I bit my lip. “So I’m just supposed to pay for rent on my own until I find another roommate?”

Hailey frowned. “Isn’t that what most people do when someone moves out?”

I shrugged carelessly. “How am I supposed to find a new roommate?”

She held her hands up in defense. “I don’t know, but an ad up on Craigslist?”

I rolled my eyes. “Hailey. Everyone knows that the people on Craigslist are crazy psycho killers and other mentally deranged people.”

“I think that might be a bit of a generalization,” Hailey remarked dryly.

I stood up angrily. “I think you should have run this past me first.”

“I should have run decisions on my relationship by you,” Hailey repeated in disbelief.

I struggled to find a way to argue that, and since I couldn’t, I chose to just insult her instead.

“You’re being a horrible best friend,” I snapped before going to my room and sobbing myself into a nap.

I had lost my boyfriend and my best friend in one fell swoop. It felt like an immense weight....an anvil or an elephant of some sort...had dropped onto my back and now I had to somehow manage to carry all of it around.

Viktor...didn’t want to be with me anymore. And Hailey was getting her life together. She’d probably be married within a year. And where was I? I was single, soon to be in an empty apartment, and completely lost.

It was a low point, and I had no problems sleeping to get away from it all.