I Scream For Everything That I've Loved

I couldn't shake the feeling that something was wrong. 
I don't know what it is, but something didn't feel right. 
No, everything didn't feel right. 
Even being here with Kaitlyn didn't feel right. 
From the moment I had gotten home yesterday, I had been on edge with her. I didn't want her touching me, I didn't want her talking to me. 
I hadn't wanted her to hug me when I got home, I hadn't wanted her to cuddle with me on the couch while we watched tv, and I didn't want her kissing me before we went to bed last night. 
And I was just the same this morning. 
I wanted to go back to Austin's place and hang out with him. 

But for some reason he just didn't seem entirely him self lately. 
There wasn't as much energy in him, he wasn't as enthusiastic about things, there wasn't the same light in his eyes, his smile wasn't as happy; and it actually really hurt seeing him that way. It felt like he was hiding something. 

He was my best friend, I know he'd tell me if something was wrong, so I suppose I shouldn't worry too bad. I bet if there is something wrong he'd tell me when he felt it was right. 

But then again, maybe he was hiding something. He always put other people before him, never voicing his own problems until he was sure nobody else needed his help at the time. He was such a sweetheart. He's honestly the nicest person I knew, but I also know that what people see isn't exactly the true him. 
Because of the fact that he hid everything like he does, he's got a lot bottled up inside. He wasn't as happy as everyone thought, and I know it. 

Maybe that's what was bothering me? 
I just wanted to go with him, I didn't want to be here, I honestly didn't want to hang out with Kaitlyn right now. 

I texted Austin, seeing if I could go to his apartment, and he said I could go over at about two so he'd have time to go shopping and clean. 
He's sounded like such a girl sometimes. 

So I waited until it was close to two until I got ready to leave. 
"Ba-" I didn't feel like calling her 'babe' right now.
"Um, Kait, I'm going over to Austin's for a while. Okay?" 

She frowned, but still nodded before turning back to her phone with a sigh. 
I rolled my eyes, stepping out and closing my door. 

We spent the day joking and messing around as usual. He finally let me hear the last song we had finished, and I also showed him my perfected guitar part; he ended up making me play it four times before he was the slightest bit satisfied. 
But I didn't mind, I liked playing for him. I felt very comfortable showing him things or testing things on the guitar with him and he always showed support. Even when I thought something didn't sound good he was always there to argue that it did. 

That was also the reason I'm able to get my lyrics out, because of him. I wasn't a very open person, and I really didn't like drawing attention to myself but he'd pressure me to show the other guys the things I wrote (it took a lot of persuasion for me to be able to even show Austin) and some got put into songs, now I'm a frequent writer when it comes to lyrics. 

Which reminded me, I had more to show him for our new album.  

"Austin, I totally forgot, I've got some more lyrics for you." He grinned, and I got my notebook out of my bag to hand to him. I was finally comfortable enough to show him them; I knew I could trust him more than anyone, even with my thoughts. 

A few minutes later he looked up from the pages, and I could almost swear his eyes were teared up, but
he blinked before I could register if they were or not. 

"Al... Those are... Th-this is amazing. I love it so much  I just don't even understand how you write like this."

"Austin have you looked at your work? That's nothing compared to yours."
He shook his head quickly. 

"Nooo, this is like... God, it's beautiful." 

I scratched the back of my neck, grimacing a little at his words.
"Thanks then, I guess. But I still think yours are better." 

His face dropped, along with my notebook which landed on his lap. 
"Do I have to tickle you until you agree?"

"Probably." I smirked. 

But then he leaned forward at me and I jumped in my seat, raising my hands defensively. 
"No! No, they're great!" 
"That's what I thought. But I'm still gonna tickle you."
I scrambled to get away but he caught me anyway, just like always. 

-&-

I ended up leaving the next day after Austin got a phone call, telling him he was needed to go into the studio for a couple things. He said it was no big deal so I didn't have to go. 

I reluctantly drove back home, returning to a quiet Kaitlyn. 
Something didn't seem right with her. 

"Hey, love." I smiled at her. 
I got a half hearted smile in return. 

Oh yes, something was definitely wrong. 
I sat down next to her, playing with her fingers which rested on her lap. 

"Are you okay, Kait?" 

"Perfectly fine."
Lie. This couldn't be good. 

"Are... Are you sure? Is there something you want to talk about?" 
She shot right back a "no", her gaze still focused on the tv. 

What could it be? I know something was wrong, I knew she was lying. Why was everyone doing that lately? I felt like...like I was being blocked out or something, and I didn't like it one bit. 
The way she was acting was causing the pit of my stomach to twist nervously. I needed to know what was wrong, and right as I was about to question her again, she spoke. 

"No, actually, there is something I'd like to talk about."

Fuck. Fuck fuck fuck, what could this be? I could almost feel my heart pick up pace. My mind went over every little thing I could have done wrong in the past few days, but I couldn't find anything that should upset her.

I swallowed hard, fiddling with my hands. 
"Y-yeah?" 

She turned to look at me now. 
"How come you never stay with me any more? You are always out with Austin. Doing this with Austin. Doing that with Austin. You're never home anymore and I miss you."
That hurt, I had to admit, seeing the look she was giving me. She looked so upset, and really, there was no excuse I could give her. 

"I... I'm sorry, Kait. Why didn't you say something? I would stay. I'm sorry I've been ignoring you like that."

"I am saying something. It's just... Sometimes I feel like you'd rather be over with him instead of here with me. I don't know. I just...I don't know. I shouldn't have said anything."

Because I would rather be- wait. I did not just almost admit that. 
That I would rather hang out with Austin than her. But really, that's exactly what I've thought the past few days. I didn't mean to ignore her, I just... I had so much fun with Austin, even if all we did was sat and watched tv, or talked. Honestly we didn't even have to talk to be comfortable with each other, we were completely fine sitting in silence. It was even awkward with Kait at those times. 

"I'm sorry Kait, I am. I didn't realize it was upsetting you, I just...I miss him sometimes, y'know?"

She sighed. 
"Yeah, I guess. I'm sorry. I noticed you two didn't hang out as much anymore, why's that?"

Because of you. 
No. What the fuck. Why would I think that? It was my fault if I didn't try to hang out with him, this wasn't her fault. 
Or was it?
I started hanging out with him less once me and her started dating, maybe that was what caused it? 
But she was my girlfriend. 

"I... I don't know."

Why was she worried about him and I not hanging out as much, when the problem she had brought up was that I was spending too much time with him? As soon as I thought this, my body seemed to itch from the inside in annoyance.
If she was just going to contradict herself she shouldn't have even brought it up. 

"He might feel left out then?" 

"I thought you said I hang out with him too much? And that you didn't want me to as much?"
My irritation was seeping into my voice now. 

It seems like she didn't have an answer. 
But then she apparently did.

"No. What I'm saying is that you spend more time ALONE with him than with me. I would have no problem hanging out with the both of you maybe every once in a while." She crossed her arms, looking stubbornly at the tv. 

"Why don't you ask then? You know we'd let you. Wed love to have you hang out with us."

"I shouldn't have to ask. That would be rude of me, to just butt into your time with him." She put some emphasis on "him", and it set something off in me. 

"Kait, do you have a problem with Austin? Something against him? He's nothing but nice to you."

I probably shouldn't have used such a harsh tone with her, but I was getting mad. It just came out without me thinking it, and I actually can't say I regretted it that much. She was getting on my nerves right now, and the past few days. I wish shed just drop the subject now, but we kept at it for another half hour. 
Needless to say, I ended up sleeping on the couch. Not because she made me, but because I thought it'd help both of us to calm down.