Folie a Deux

It wasn't that I didn't want Frank to stay over for the week, because I really did, but I couldn't help but notice the issues with the situation.

First of all, where does his mom think he is? Secondly, how am I going to get any sleep with him here? I can't risk having a nightmare while he's in the house... None of us really know how to cook- according to Frank, pasta was really the only thing he knew how to make without burning, so we're definitely going to have issues with food this week. And also, how the hell was I supposed to get any school work done during the day with the distracting knowledge that Frank would be home from school in just a few hours? I mean, it was still the weekend, but come Monday morning and he'd have to be at school, seeing as he's missed far too much already.

There were too many reasons why this wouldn't work out well, I realized, staring at the ceiling.

"Gerard?" Frank said, his voice barely audible. "Are you still awake?"

"Yes," I said quietly, startled. We'd been laying in silence for an hour and nineteen minutes- I'd assumed he was asleep. "You okay?"

"Yeah... I just can't sleep."

I sighed, swinging my legs off of my bed.

"No-" he said quickly. "Don't. Stay there, you get some sleep. I'll be fine..."

I fell to my knees next to him in the pile of blankets that he seems to have permanently formed on my floor. (When it's not there I always confuse myself, because I've gotten so used to stepping either over it or around it or through it.) "Too late," I told him. "I'm down here and I'm too lazy to stand back up." He looked up at me as I shuffled around in the massive pile of blankets. "Can I lay with you?" I asked.

"Sure."

I stretched out next to him on top of the blankets, trying not to get too close to him.

He stared at me through the dark. "Why are you so far away?"

I looked at him for a few seconds. "Didn't realize I was..."

"Well, I'm cold," he informed me quietly.

"You have like five million blankets," I chuckled. "What more do you want?"

"You," he said simply.

I raised and eyebrow at him, trying not to laugh. "Oh really, now?"

He rolled his eyes. "Not like that, dork..."

That time I laughed. "I can't tell because it's so dark, but I'm about ninety-nine percent positive that you're blushing right now."

He glared at me but failed to hide the smile on his lips. "Maybe I am... But you asked to lay with me, so stop acting like I have a disease and fucking lay close to me."

I slowly shifted around, rolling off of the blankets. Frank lifted them, and I moved back next to him, letting the covers flop down over our shoulders.

"There," I said, offering a timid smile. "Are you happy?"

"Yes."

He scooted closer and I felt myself lean away- I hadn't meant to do it, but I couldn't help it...

He sent me a look from the corner of his eyes. "Gerard, I thought I told you-"

"I know... I know."

He wanted things to be like they used to. He wanted me to kiss him on the cheek and constantly push the limits and touch his arms and his shoulders and his hands like I used to.

But I couldn't.

I just couldn't.

If I let myself act how I used to around him, I just knew something would go wrong again. I'd lose control, I'd push something too far and screw it up all over again.

If insanity was doing something over and over again and expecting different results each time, then Frank and I were both crazy for ever thinking that this could work out.

"Why do you never sleep?" he sighed, touching my face softly. "Every time I wake up in the middle of the night, you're awake too."

I shrugged, lifting my hand to pull his off of my face.

That just resulted in him twining our fingers.

"I just... I just don't sleep well, sometimes."

"Sometimes, or all the time?"

I looked away. "I don't have to answer that."

He sighed, scooting a bit closer to me, curling up ever-so slightly. "Promise me you'll sleep tonight?" he asked, looking up at me.

"Oh, Frank, you know I can't promise that."

He closed his eyes, moving closer to me. "I'm still cold, you know."

I pressed my lips to his forehead, draping my arm around him. Whether he was actually cold or he was just trying to find an excuse to get closer to me, I couldn't tell. "Just sleep, and you won't even notice," I assured him quietly.

---

By five the next morning, I was dreadfully bored.

Watching Frank sleep was interesting, of course, but after a while I couldn't help but crave for something else to do but watch him, think, and count passing time.

Frank moved a lot in his sleep- as of right now he was on his back, spread out kind of like a starfish, one hand laying on my arm. He shifted suddenly, rolling on to his side, curling forward. I watched as his facial expression shifted, looking annoyed at something, his lips parting in a small sigh.

I couldn't help but smile. He was adorable, looking so angry in his sleep.

His fingers latched on to the blanket, tugging on it, and when it didn't move I reached over and tugged it for him, draping it over his shoulder.

The sudden movement of my arm woke him up, I think, because suddenly he let out an annoyed sound.

"Sorry," I said quietly.

He reached his hand up to his face, rubbing his eye. He muttered something that I couldn't quite hear, keeping his eyes closed.

"What?" I frowned.

"What time is it?" he said slightly louder, turning his head towards me and forcing his eyes open.

"Five twenty-eight."

He sighed, closing his eyes. "...too fuckin' early."

"I know," I chuckled.

He forced his eyes open again, looking over at me. "Mphmm."

"What?"

He let out an annoyed sound. "Uncomfortable," he clarified, shifting.

"Well, what do you want me to do about it?"

He shrugged slightly. "I don't know."

I sat up, rubbing beneath my eyes. Frank made a small sound, stretching his fingers out and touching my knee.

I rolled my eyes. "Frank, you sound like an idiot just mumbling. Either wake up or go to sleep."

He rubbed his eyes, sighing. "Fine, fine..."

Ten minutes later and Frank was mostly awake, having rolled over onto his back and then over onto his side several times, opening his eyes and blinking and shutting them again, and then finally opening them for good.

He sat up, sitting on his knees and rubbing his face.

"You still look tired," I told him.

He looked up at me, studying my face for a second. I found myself appreciating his honey-hazel gaze, dull from tiredness.

He reached out suddenly, running his fingers down my face. "Not as tired as you do, though." One of his fingers skimmed beneath my eye, making me blink. I knew what the skin there probably looked like- dark, the blood vessels showing through obnoxiously well, giving me the tired half-circles under my eyes. "Sleep," he insisted. "It's still early, you could get in an hour or two of rest."

"No thanks."

He sighed in annoyance. "You have to. You need it."

"I really don't."

"You do, though."

I rolled my eyes, pulling his hand away from my face, letting him twine our fingers. "I swear, I'm fine."

"No, you're not." He squeezed my fingers. "You look like shit," he informed me.

I chuckled. "Well, thank you, Frank..."

"I'm serious. You need sleep."

I leaned back down, keeping hold of his hand and pulling him down towards me. "Come here. Lay with me for a few more minutes."

He did as I asked, shifting around in our massive pile of blankets, laying at an angle and resting his head on my chest. I took a deep breath, not used to the weight.

He turned his head, looking at me, and I just stared back.

"You know," he said quietly. "If you had asked me, a few months ago, if we'd ever end up here, like this... Well, I probably would have laughed."

"And if you had asked me if we'd ever end up here," I told him, draping one arm across his stomach. "I probably would have smiled and said 'I wish.'"

He moved around slightly, pulling himself upwards until he was laying completely next to me, eye-to-eye, my arm now on his hip. "Promise me something?"

"Anything," I assured, looking at him.

"Promise that in ten years, if we're not together anymore, that we'll meet up somewhere? If neither of us are married or dating in ten years, that we'll get back together and try this again?"

I stared at him, his body heat beneath my fingers making it hard to focus. "And if we are still together?"

He smiled a small smile. "Well, then can you promise me that we can get a dog?"

I chuckled. "Okay, we can get you a dog if I can get a cat."

He laughed, too. "Okay. Promise?"

I slid my hand up his side, trailing up his neck, watching him shiver slightly as my fingers tangled into his hair. I leaned over, pressing my lips to his forehead. "Promise."

He just smiled a small smile as I let my arm go back around his waist. "I hope we're still together, though."

"I think we will be," I said honestly, eyes studying his lips. "I could never imagine being with anyone else."

And that was true. I didn't want anyone else, not like I wanted Frank. I had never found someone, I'd never met or seen or heard about or talked to anyone that I liked as much as I liked him.

I'd never believed in soul mates, and I still don't, and I doubt I ever will, but I'm beginning to believe that there are certain people meant for you, people who make more sense to you than just smiles and common interests, and Frank was that person for me.

Whether or not I was that person for him, I don't know, but I wanted him and I wasn't going to be letting him get away.

I'm nearly positive, I have been since we started this relationship, that there are other people who would be so much better for Frank, that there were tons of other people who he'd feel so much more comfortable with and who he'd connect to so much better with than he does with me, but I honestly didn't care.

I wanted him, and that's all that really mattered.

I felt something build up deep in my chest, an emotion that I'd always felt drawn to even though I've always known was wrong.

It was hate. Hate for myself, that is. Hate for the emotions in my head, for the ache my fingers and lips and everything else felt, hate for the way I spoke and walked and smiled.

I hated myself. I always have.

I hated myself because I'm so selfish- all I want is for me to be happy. That's all I've ever cared about, satisfying my own needs and then wasting away in whatever joy comes afterwards.

I could honestly care less if the people around me were okay, or not.

I met Frank's eyes, sighing.

Did I really care about him as much as I claimed to?

Of course, I'd be devastated if something happened to him, I'd probably kill myself if he ever left me, I hated seeing him upset or hurt, but in the long run, I didn't actually care if he was happy or not, because that's not the way I work.

It's not the way I've ever worked.

I'm incapable of pleasing others, I realize that now.

I didn't care if Frank would be better off with someone else, because I needed him. I didn't care if I sometimes made things uncomfortable for him, because I wanted it to happen and that's all the permission I needed.

I felt my lungs start to close in on themselves- the sudden realization at what an absolutely horrible person I am was suddenly choking me.

I didn't care if Frank was happy. I really didn't, I never actually have. I've wanted to, I guess, deep down inside I've always wanted him to be happy, but on the surface, all I wanted was for my own emotions to be satisfied, first. I've never cared if Frank didn't like me entirely much as I liked him, I didn't care if he'd be better off without me.

I wasn't using him, no, that's not what this was. I was just... Well, I'm not exactly sure what I was doing.

I just wanted to be happy, for once in my life, I guess, and Frank made me happy. Now that I realized how self-centered I've been, I wanted him to be happy too, but if he wasn't, I wasn't going to let that stop me.

I wanted him, and damn it, I would get what I want or die trying.

Frank closed his eyes, letting out a small, content sigh, and I felt an overwhelming urge to kiss him.

I turned my head away, closing my eyes, too. That was probably a mistake- the second I closed my eyes, I didn't want to open them ever again. I couldn't remember the last time I'd gotten a full night's sleep, and laying here next to Frank, I was sure that I'd have no problem falling asleep...

His lips pressed against my temple, softly, and I sighed.

"Get some sleep, Gerard," he told me, not completely moving away, lips brushing my skin as he spoke.

"N- no," I muttered, forcing my eyes open.

I took in a sharp breath- he was close, far too close.

"Promise me that you'll get some sleep tonight, then?"

"I can't," I said desperately, pleading with him. "I can't promise you that."

His fingers skimmed the side of my face, resting in my hair. "Why not?"

"Because," I said. "I just can't."

Frank sighed, sitting up, looking around for a few seconds. "Can we go eat breakfast, or something?" he said, changing the subject. "I'm hungry."

I sighed, putting my hands over my face. I didn't want to get up, I wasn't hungry enough to be bothered to eat. I was tired, I was exhausted, really, but I couldn't sleep.

I just wanted to lay here for a while.

"You go on," I told him. "You know where the cereal is."

Frank sighed, looking at me. "You're not going to eat, are you?"

"What was your first hint?"

His fingers skimmed down my arm. "I swear you're going to starve to death, one day..."

I rolled my eyes. "I'm fine, Frank, I-"

"How much do you weigh?" he asked suddenly.

I blinked at him. "What?"

He just stared at me. "Your weight, Gerard, what is it?"

I shrugged, suddenly uncomfortable with the topic. "I- I don't know... Why?"

He just shook his head. "Whatever it is, I don't think it's healthy... You've lost weight since we met, you know..."

I looked away. That couldn't be right. I hadn't lost weight. I'm still as fat as I've ever been.

"Gerard-"

"Just go away," I said, sending him a look. "Please. Just go eat. I'm not hungry."

He sighed, fingers touching the back of my hand. "Promise that you'll eat lunch and dinner?"

I rolled onto my side, so I wouldn't have to look at him when I lied. "Yeah, sure."

I listened as he left the room, squeezing my eyes shut.

I just wasn't hungry, was all.

I just had to keep telling myself that.

I laid there on my bed for another eleven minutes before I felt my breathing slow down, my chest getting heavy, my eyes not wanting to open.

I was falling asleep.

I sat up, sighing in annoyance, rubbing my eyes.

I couldn't let myself sleep, not this morning, not this afternoon, not tonight, not tomorrow or tomorrow night. I could sleep while Frank was at school- that was a good plan. Do my schoolwork while he was asleep, sleep while he was gone, be perfectly wide awake and fine while he was here.

I felt my lips pull back into a slight smile. That could work.

There was a light knock on my door and I looked up, meeting Mikey's eyes.

"Hey," I said.

He raised his hand in a slight wave. "Hey."

"What's up?"

He shrugged, glancing over his shoulder. "Not much..." He leaned against the door frame. "He's worried about you, ya' know."

I rolled my eyes. "I don't see why."

"Well, what would you do if he never ate and never slept? You'd be pretty concerned, wouldn't you?"

"Yeah, because he's Frank, I mean... He needs those things-"

"And you don't?"

I blinked at him a few times, not having an answer. I would be okay without sleep, I've never slept that well, anyway, and I'd be fine without food for a little while until I got hungry, as long as I stayed hydrated.

"You can't keep doing this, Gerard," my brother told me. "You can't keep living like you're playing God. Stop forcing things to work out and start letting them happen on their own, the way that they should."

"I'm just not hungry-"

"You're never hungry."

"I'll eat when I am hungry, though, okay?"

"Well, what about sleep?"

I ran my fingers through my hair, not looking at him. "I can't," I told him. "Not while he's here, you know that."

"I'm sure he'll understand-"

"But what if he doesn't, Mikey?" I snapped. "You don't-"

"I do."

"You don't! You really don't, and you've known about my nightmares your entire life, and you still don't get it-"

I stopped, seeing Frank at the end of the hall. He peeked around the corner, looking at us. "Sorry," he said. I could barely hear him, from so far away. "I- I just heard you arguing, I-"

"It's okay," I said, standing up. "It's nothing important."

He looked at me for a long few seconds, and Mikey turned around suddenly, walking out of the room and brushing past Frank. Frank watched with a worried expression, coming down the hall to stand where Mikey had been.

"What-"

"It's nothing," I told him again.

"Didn't sound like nothing... I heard most of that, you know."

I looked away. "How much is 'most?'"

"Enough to know why you don't sleep..."

I sighed. "I-"

"It's fine," he said quickly, walking further into my room. "If you have nightmares, I mean. Quite honestly, I'm always a bit nervous about sleeping over here, too, sometimes..." He was standing in front of me now, looking at his feet, his voice quiet. "I- I used to wake up all the time, in the middle of the night, s- screaming... They still haven't completely gone away..."

I sighed again, wrapping my arms around him, resting my head on top of his. Whether I was hugging him because I needed to or because he looked like he needed it, I couldn't be sure.

All I really knew was that it felt nice to be this close to him.

He hugged me back, face pressed against my shoulder. "You should have just told me."

"Not many people know," I confessed. "My mom and Mikey are the only people who do..."

"And me," he said.

"And you..."

He leaned back, looking up at me. His fingers touched my hair, playing with the black strands- I still wasn't used to the new color, I'd never had my hair black before. He seemed to like it, though, so I think I'm going to keep it around for a while.

"Now that I know, will you get some sleep tonight? And if you have a nightmare, I'll be here for you?"

I nodded carefully, his fingers squeezing mine. "Yeah, I guess..."

He stretched up on his toes, the tip of his nose touching mine, and I laughed. His head twisted suddenly to press his lips against the dimple of my smile, making me grin even more as he dropped back down on his heels.

I think that was the closest he'd ever come to kissing me.

"You know, Gerard," he said with a smile, just looking at me. "One day, I think I'd really like to fall in love with you."

I couldn't keep the small smile off of my lips. "And I think I'd really like to fall in love with you, too, Frank."