Believe in Me

“Last night, I think I drank too much.”

I chuckled, “You think?”

“I’m sorry, Lilly. Can I come inside?” I nodded, stepping back to let him in. That simple statement, the fact that he was standing at my door, apologizing, drew me in. At that moment, when we’re standing in front of each other, separated by a few feet, I just wanted to hold him. To tell him to take me back. To tell him that he doesn’t understand. To move on from what had been happening the past few days.

“I regret what I said last night and I’m sorry.” He told me, his tone neutral. “I can’t explain how thankful I am that you were there. I…I need you.” He moved to the sofa, sighing as he fidgeted with his hands. That’s what he does. He plays with his hands when he’s nervous…just like me. During a game, I’ll see Pat on the bench taking off his gloves and fidgeting with his hands. I don’t understand it, but every time I see him do it, I could tell what he’s thinking. He’s freaking out inside. He tries to hide it, like all people would, but when you’re with somebody so much, you notice every little thing about them.

“Is that why you’re here, Pat? To apologize?” I asked, sitting beside him. I didn’t want to sound like a bitch, though my tone made it seem that way. He looked away, staring out the window beside my TV. “I miss you, Lil. I miss you, okay? Is that what you want to hear? Is that what you’ve been waiting for? I miss you and things feel wrong without you in my life. I can’t just break it off so easily. Every minute of every day, you’re on my mind. Lilly, Lilly, Lilly, Lilly. That’s all. Hell, I’ve been fucking up during practice because I just can’t erase you from my thoughts.”

“Slow down, Patrick. I haven’t been expecting anything from you. I miss you too. I need to tell you that you’re wrong, though. Cameron stayed here, but not with me.” I revealed. He sighed in relief, running his hands through his hair. “Where’d you stay?”
“With Rachel.” I answered immediately. The expression on his face made him look like he didn’t believe me, but he was trying. “Cameron came over, surprised me, but I was angry. I told him about you. I told him the only way he could stay here was if I left, so I did. You can even ask Rachel. I’m done with Cameron and I made sure he knew that.”

Patrick chuckled in disbelief. “Why didn’t you tell me this?”

“I TRIED!” I shrieked, throwing my arms in the air. “I tried and you said you didn’t want to hear it from me, then you broke up with me.”

“Which was a mistake.” He added.Yes, Patrick. It was a mistake. A huge, horrible, heartbreaking mistake. “I should’ve listened. I’m sorry. I was mad.”

“I understand.” I said, setting my hand on his. I understood completely. I could see where he was coming from. Though I didn’t believe dumping me was the answer, I felt sympathetic for him. I wasn’t honest when I should’ve been. I wasn’t being a good girlfriend. I lied and hid secrets, expecting him to never find out.

“Can we forget that this happened?”

I smiled.

“I want you back…and, this sounds selfish, but playoffs are starting soon…and you’re kind of my good luck charm.” He smiled, one of my favorite smiles. A smile that only Patrick had. A smile that said “I’m goofy and I love you.”

I laughed, “You know I can’t say no to you.” He reached over, lifting my chin up for a kiss. A million sparks lit up in my body. The kiss I’d been missing finally returned. He was mine again. There wasn’t a better feeling than our lips meeting again. It was like an owner finding their pet after days of it being gone, or the feeling you get when you find the perfect dress. Everything was in place. Everything was back to how I wanted it to be.
________________________________________________

Come on, Rachel. Pick up your phone. Come on, come on.

Voicemail.

I had tried calling Rachel 4 times, but she didn’t pick up once. I was worried, so I took a cab and went to her place.
The front desk man tried to call them, but he didn’t receive an answer either. He knew who I was, so he let me go up. I rode the elevator, trying not to freak out. Rachel was supposed to meet up with me today to do some shopping, but I hadn’t heard from her in the past two days.

I got to their place, and tried knocking. As soon as I set my hand on the door, it opened a little. It was open all along. I tip toed in, trying not to make noise. I was beginning to get scared, I didn’t hear a word. I prayed there wasn’t an intruder or anything, and took deep breaths as I entered her place. The kitchen was empty, so I headed down the hall. I walked into the master bedroom and found a suitcase on the bed. It wasn’t filled, so I figured Jonathan emptied it out or something. No one was in there.

The condo was still silent as I made my way into the next room. I took a glance into the nursery, and didn’t see anyone. The last room was the guest room, which was empty as well.What the hell is going on? I asked myself. I headed back down the hall, checking the rooms one more time. I jumped when I saw Jonathan, sitting on the floor in the nursery.

He didn’t look up at me. He stared at the crib. The kid sized Bauer skates were set beside him. I stood there for a moment, waiting for him to say something. All he did was stare at the crib sadly. “Jonathan…” I whispered. He still didn’t look at me. “Where’s Rachel?”

“She left.” He mumbled barely audible. I stepped inside the room nervously, looking at broken bottles and picture frames on the floor. “Are you alright?” I asked him.

A tear fell from his eye. “They’re gone.”

“What? Where’d Rachel go?”

“Home.”

“To Pittsburgh?” I asked, confused. He nodded, letting the tears fall from his eyes. He didn’t take them off the crib.

“We lost the baby.” He said after a moment. I felt a lump in my throat and tears welled up in my eyes. “What?”

Jonathan closed his eyes, then broke down. He threw the baby skates at the wall, his face red and his fists clenched. “She miscarried. My baby is gone.” I couldn’t help but cry with him. I knew how excited the two of them were. I couldn’t imagine going through what they were going through.

“My baby is gone.” He repeated, staring blankly at the crib. “I’ll never get to meet my baby.”

Jonathan stood up, standing over the crib. I walked over to him, rubbing his back. I felt like I was being strangled, my throat was so tight. “Everything will be okay, Jon.”

“I lost the two most important people in my life.” He cried, picking up a Blackhawks stuffed animal out of the crib. He looked at it once, then threw it at the wall.

“Breathe, Jonathan. Take a breath. Have you talked to Patrick?”

“I don’t want to talk to anyone. Just go, okay? Just go.” He said bluntly. I wiped my eyes, “Are you sure you don’t need anyone?”
He didn’t say anything. Instead, he pulled me in for a hug. I wasn’t close with Jon, but we were friends. I stood there for a few moments, hugging and crying with him. “I’m barely hanging on, Lilly. My baby’s gone. Rachel’s gone. My life is falling apart. I’m losing everyone.”

I shook my head, “No you’re not, Jon. No you’re not. You have me, you have the team. Rachel needs space, okay? This is beyond hard for her. I think she’s scared. I’ll try to talk to her, okay?” I told him through my tears. He pulled away, rubbing his bloodshot eyes.
He sat back down in the same spot he was in before, and stared at the crib again. “Just go.” He told me.

I walked into the kitchen and grabbed a sharpie and a napkin. I wrote my number down, and set it down beside him in the nursery. “Be safe, okay? Here’s my number if you need anything. You call me and I’ll answer.” I told him. He didn’t say anything. I looked at him before I left, staring one more time at the broken hearted hockey player.