Ignite.

I had texted Allie back and we planned to meet at some little coffee shop in Philly. I got Bri to swing by my house and let me get changed and then drop me off at the train station after school, saying that I was going to visit Henry. Of course she didn’t ask questions. It felt like she never did. And that made me feel absolutely horrible. She trusted me so easily and it felt like I was constantly going behind her back whenever Harry was involved. So I thanked her a million times and got on my train, getting off at Suburban Station and walking the few blocks to the shop that Allie had told me about. We planned to meet at 3:30, and the train had gotten in at about 3:20, so Allie wasn’t there yet. I took this opportunity to have a cigarette, as my nerves were absolutely wrecked by what this conversation might entail. I mean, obviously it was going to be about Harry, but I had no idea what she was going to say. Just as I was tossing the butt to the ground, I heard my name being called.

“Hey, sweetie, how are you?” Allie cooed, embracing me as soon as she was close enough. I returned the hug, though a little hesitantly, before we pulled apart and I was shrugging.

“Fine, I suppose. What did you want to talk about?” I asked easily, hoping that if I pretended I was totally calm about all this, I would actually become calm. Though what I got from Allie was not very reassuring. She produced a tight lipped smile before nodding her head toward the shop.

“Why don’t we go grab a table?” she suggested quietly, pulling open the door and gesturing for me to go inside. I took a deep breath, but followed her instructions, grabbing a table while she went and got us two coffees. She fixed mine how I asked her to, and soon she was placing herself across from me. “So…” My eyes stared skeptically at her over the lid of my cup as I took a long sip.

“So, you wanted to see me. And I can only assume it’s about yesterday,” I muttered dully, still trying for that nonchalance thing. She nodded quickly, her gaze finding mine shortly after.

“Yeah, Harry called me last night and asked me to come over. He was kind of a mess. And I’m not even talking physically, because that’s in a category all its own. But he’s really upset with himself, Jude, you have to know that.”

“Well he should be. I thought he was going to kill Lucas,” I’d scoffed, my eyebrows furrowing slightly.

“Can you really blame him? He was trying to protect you.”

“I never asked him to.” Allie gave me a pointed look and I felt my shoulders slumping. I shouldn’t have expected her to be on anybody’s side but Harry’s.

“Listen, he’s really, really sorry. He didn’t mean for it to get so out of control. You normally ground him, but he just- he got so-”

“Why are you telling me all this?” I cut over her sharply before taking another long sip and raising my eyebrows.

“Because he’s one of my best friends and you need to know-”

“But why isn’t he the one telling me this?” Allie let out a small sigh, running her fingers through her pastel hair.

“He figured you wouldn’t want to see him. And he didn’t want to have this conversation over the phone, plus he figured you’d just ignore him. He didn’t ask me to talk to you, if that’s what you’re thinking. I’m just worried about him. I haven’t seen him like this over a girl ever. But he really cares about you, Jude. Christ, I would even say he’s falling in love with you-”

“Whoa, whoa, whoa. Let’s slow down, please. I’ve only him for like a month.”

“Yeah, but let’s be honest. We both know that Harry would be the type to fall fast when he finally did. It’s just how he is. He has this whole hard exterior, but we both know that he’s one of the sweetest guys alive. He’s a complete hopeless romantic!” I could tell that Allie was getting pretty riled up about this. And maybe Harry really didn’t get like this over girls. But what would make me different? I was literally the definition of average.

“I don’t know,” I finally muttered, giving a small shake of my head. But Allie just scoffed at me and sent me another pointed look.

“Yes you do. Don’t lie to yourself, Jude. Look, just…please don’t write him off because of this. I know he fucked up- he knows he fucked up and he’s really sorry for it. Maybe just give him another chance?” She shot me an unsure smile, hoping to win me over with all her charming words about Harry.

“I don’t know, Allie. We’ll see what happens when he actually talks to me. I can’t make any promises. It’s not like this is the first strike, and we both know it. Things have been a roller coaster with him since day one. What if it’s not worth it?”

“But what if it is?”

Yeah. What if.

--

Allie suggested soon after that we go shopping, so we ended up hitting a few places in the area before she literally dragged me all over the place. I wasn’t even really paying attention to where we were until she grabbed my hand and pulled me into a shop that was all too familiar. I shot her a hard look, but she just smiled sheepishly before heading over to the counter to talk to Noah. Harry was in the back of the store organizing a huge box of records before he had to put them in their respective places. I had half a mind to just leave the store, but I found myself walking toward him anyway. He must have heard me approaching, because without turning around he called out,

“Need help with anything?”

Shit, what a loaded question. I couldn’t even find anything to say, and soon Harry got curious about the silence. So he quickly straightened his form and spun around, only to completely freeze as his eyes fell on me. He really didn’t look too good. There were dark circles under his eyes from clear lack of sleep, and his knuckles were still red and cracked and a little bit bruised.

“Jude. What are you doing here?” His eyebrows pulled together as he took a small step toward me, and I practically forced myself not to take a step back. Because even though I was pissed at him, seeing the flash of hurt enter his eyes yesterday was absolutely horrible.

“Uhm, Allie kinda dragged me here,” I finally mumbled, feeling kind of silly for going to talk to him in the first place. I mean, obviously that was Allie’s plan, but I easily could’ve stuck by her side.

“Allie? Why would- oh, fuck.” The groan that came from him was actually kind of sad and I felt bad that he was so frustrated at the moment. “I asked her not to say anything to you. Really, I did. I’m sorry she-”

“It’s alright. We just got coffee and went shopping. No harm done.” I shrugged noncommittally as I forced myself to keep my eyes on his. Nonchalance. I could do this.

“What did she say?” he asked rather nervously, ducking his head for a moment to fix his fringe.

“This and that. Things that I really should have heard from you.”

“Well, I...I figured you wouldn’t want to talk to me.”

“I don’t.” His eyebrows crinkled even more at my quick answer as he studied me, his eyes narrowing a bit.

“Then why are you?”

“Because clearly I need to. Look, Harry, what happened last night was-”

“Completely unacceptable. I should never have let myself get like that. You shouldn’t have seen that, and I feel horrible. Please, Jude, you have to believe me,” he begged, his eyes going wide and glassy as he stepped to me and grasped my smaller hand in his.

“I do believe you. But it doesn’t really change what happened. That was terrifying, Harry.” He bowed his head then, clearly ashamed before he brought troubled eyes back up to mine.

“I know. I’m so, so sorry. I just needed to stop him from hurting you, and I know I went about it the wrong way. I just hope you can forgive me. Please.” I stared hard at him for a few moments, trying to collect my thoughts, which was becoming rather difficult as his thumb continued to rub at the back of my hand.

“I’ll think about it. But even if I do, I’m not sure I can go back to what we were.” I didn’t miss the small wince at my words.

“I really think I need you in my life, though. You make me better.”

“Harry, you hardly know me. We met last month-”

“But there’s something different here, Jude! And we both know it.”

“Well I think I can only be friends with you at the moment,” I stated, hoping that he’d catch onto the finality of my tone. But he just sort of shook his head lamely.

“I don’t think I can be just friends with you, though.”

“Well I can’t be ‘friends with benefits’ or whatever the hell was happening before-”

“We were never friends with benefits and you know that. You were never that disposable to me, Jude. Don’t insult me.” I tucked my bottom lip between my teeth as my eyes found the floor then. I guess I did know that. “Hey,” he called quietly, prompting me to look at him once again. “We can work this out, I promise.”

“Yeah, we’ll see.”

“I’m sorry, Jude,” he pleaded once again, and I sort of gave a distracted nod.

“Yeah. I know. I should really go, though. I’ve gotta catch the train home.” I pulled my hand from his and turned to go say goodbye to Allie.

“You took the train in? I could drive you home, Noah would let me off-”

“Harry, no. I’m fine.” His face fell at my rejection, but I tried to ignore the angry pang in my stomach as I moved away from him and bid Allie farewell.

I’d just stepped back out on the street when I felt my phone vibrating in my bag. I sighed as I rummaged through the oversized bag before finally finding the device and pulling it out. Henry was calling. Just what I needed on a day like today.

“Hello?” I asked lazily as I started down the street toward the train station.

“Hey, Jude, how’s it going? Are you free tonight?”

“Uh, yeah, I’m actually in the city right now. What’s up?

“Oh, well that works perfectly! I was hoping to snag you for dinner. Didn’t really get to see you much while I was home.”

“Uhm, yeah, that sounds good. Where should I meet you?” So Henry rattled off some address and I quickly flagged down a taxi, knowing that it was way too far to walk. It was only a fifteen minute cab ride and soon I was being embraced by my big brother. Okay, maybe I was actually extremely grateful that he called. Henry was one of very few people who could generally always put me at ease. He led me inside and we were seated quickly. Easy conversation flowed about school and his new girlfriend, and when we were almost done our meals, Henry revealed his true intentions for the evening.

“So, we need to talk about Harry. I know you’re still seeing him. I saw all the pictures from New York. Thought you told Mom you were going to Bri’s?” He was cutting roughly at his steak as he prodded me, his eyes never meeting mine until an uncomfortable silence hung over the table.

“Uhm, yeah. Well, Harry got me tickets to see The Fray, so-”

“So you just ran away to New York with him? What, did he put you up in some swanky hotel and feed you bottles of champagne the whole time, too?” Henry practically spat, his eyes alight with an angry fire.

“No, we stayed with his mother! It was a completely PG weekend, thank you.” He didn’t need to know about the thing on New Year’s Eve.

“Mm, I bet. I thought I told you to stay away from him, Jude.”

“Well, I didn’t. But you don’t need to worry, because we’re not seeing each other anymore. If anything, we’re going to be friends. Okay? Are you happy now?” I hissed aggressively before shoving a large forkful of pasta into my mouth.

“No, I’m not because you cannot be friends with him!”

“Where do you get off telling me who I can and can’t be friends with though, Henry? Seriously, it’s a little ridiculous.” Henry stared hard at me for a few long moments before letting out a low sigh.

“Look. Do you want to know why Maggie and I broke up?” There was a pained look in his eyes and I was immediately confused. Maggie? His girlfriend from high school? What on earth did that have to do with Harry?

“What-?”

“She cheated on me. With Harry.” Ah. That would explain it, then.

“What happened?” I asked quietly, my eyebrows crinkling slightly.

“It was on Senior Week. There was this huge party and Harry had somehow gotten Maggie away from me. Everyone was pretty drunk that night, but he was practically feeding her shots. He wanted to sleep with her, even though he knew I was dating her. But I had let my guard down and he had whisked her off to a bedroom. I caught them in the middle of it. She drunkenly tried to tell me that it wasn’t what it looked like before she vomited all over my shoes. And Harry just laid there with this smirk on his face. He had zero remorse, the stupid bastard-”

“Look, Henry. I get that what he did was wrong, but everyone fucks up. I mean, it was high school. And Maggie was kind of a bitch, honestly. You seriously want to kill him for a one night stand?” Henry was practically glaring at me then, his jaw locked.

“No, Jude. I want to kill him because he got Maggie pregnant and he didn’t talk to her ever again.”

My fork dropped to my plate with a loud clatter, gathering looks from the patrons within earshot.

--

Dinner with Henry ended rather quickly after that and I was practically throwing myself into a cab and spewing out Harry’s address. I all but ran to the elevator and I couldn’t keep my leg from bouncing during its slow ascent. Finally I reached his floor and dashed down to his apartment, knocking wildly on the heavy door.

“Coming!” I heard Harry faintly call, and soon he was pulling open the door, his eyes going slightly wide. “Jude? What’re you-?” His words caught in his throat as the loud smack echoed through the hall.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” I seethed, pushing his shoulders roughly so that he stumbled backwards and I followed him into the apartment. I did not want to do this outside.

“What are you talking about?” He was looking at me like I had three heads and I tried to slap him again, but he caught my wrist in his large hand, his eyebrows furrowing.

“Maggie. You slept with Maggie!”

“Maggie…?”

“Henry’s girlfriend, on Senior Week.” A lightbulb went off in his head as a look of realization crossed his eyes.

“Look, Jude, that was a huge mistake. I never should have slept with her and I really should have apologized to Henry, but-”

“Are you seriously going to play dumb?” I spat as I roughly pulled my wrist from his grasp. He shook his head a little in bewilderment, asking me what I meant. “It’s one thing to ruin someone else’s relationship, but to get her pregnant and never speak to her again? That’s low, Harry, even for you-”

“Wait, wait, wait,” he gasped out, taking a step back and bracing himself on the table in the front hall. He looked like the wind had been knocked out of him, and I quickly realized that he didn’t know. “Maggie was pregnant? Oh my god. Oh my god. She never- she never said anything and- oh my god.” He quickly scrambled off to his bedroom and I was quick to follow. When I got there he was rapidly clicking at the trackpad on his laptop, trying to wake the computer up. Soon he pulled up Facebook, quickly searching her name to no doubt look for a phone number. He must have found one because he practically ripped his phone out of his back pocket, glancing between the computer and the phone as he typed in the number. He couldn’t bring himself to look at me as he pressed the phone to his ear, just pinched the bridge of his nose between his thumb and index finger.

“Maggie?” he gasped out, his hand falling to his side. “I, uhm, it’s Harry Styles. No, wait- don’t hang up!” He paced out of the room and I gave him a ten second head start, not wanting to crowd him. When I found him leaning against a wall in the living room, his face was hard. “Oh. I- yeah, no, I understand. Yeah. I won’t call you again.” His arm dropped to his side and soon the phone was slipping from his hand and hitting the floor with a dull thud. His face had fallen blank and I wasn’t exactly sure what happened or what I was supposed to do.

“Harry?” I whispered as I took a step toward him. He flinched at the sound, but refused to look at me. As I took another step forward I saw that his eyes had glazed over. He was terrifyingly still and I was kind of waiting for him to explode. But finally his voice came out in just above a whisper, trembling like a leaf.

“It’s gone.” He slid down the wall into a sitting position, his knees tucked up to his chest.

“Harry-”

“It’s gone, she had an abortion. It’s gone.” He was still whispering, his eyes seeming to be off in another world. I swallowed roughly as I took another step toward him, and I’m not sure if I was the one who set him off. But all of a sudden his hands were smacking against the floor as he cried, “She got rid of it, it’s gone!” I jumped slightly at his outburst, but I continued to move to him, sinking onto my knees by his side. He flinched as I placed a hand on his shoulder and soon his eyes turned on me. They were cold and hard and angrier than I’d ever seen them before. Even angrier than when he was beating Lucas into a bloody pulp. “How- how could she do that? She didn’t even tell me,” he whimpered as a few tears slipped down his face. I tried to pull him into my arms, but he immediately tensed, pushing hard against me. “Get off me! Just get off!” He was shouting and I probably should have been scared, but I just wrapped my arms tighter around him and pulled him closer. He fought for a few more seconds before he completely collapsed into me, his whole body turning to me as his arms circled my waist. His face became buried in my shoulder as sobs wracked through his body. I ran my nails up and down his spine with one hand, while the other pet down his curls. God, he was even worse than yesterday. Never in a million years did I think I would be cradling a sobbing Harry Styles. “How could she do that? I had a kid and she- she just took it away,” he wailed and I continued to try and hush him, leaving gentle kisses to the top of his head. Even my eyes had welled up from seeing him like this.

As much as I wanted to be upset with him, as much as I wanted to just be angry with him and not care about his feelings, I couldn’t. I don’t think I’ll ever know what it was about Harry, but he had me. I could fight him all I wanted, but at the end of the day, I wanted him. I wanted to be by his side, holding him when he was upset. I couldn’t tear myself away. To any sane person, this should have been the end. I should have smacked him and left it at that. Yet here I was. Here I would always end up, I knew that.

We stayed like that for somewhere close to an hour before Harry sniffled loudly and pulled his head out of the crook of my neck. As my arms unwrapped him, I brought my hands up to cup his face, wiping away a few stray tears with my thumbs. He just looked so impossibly sad. I couldn’t even fathom what he was feeling at the moment, but I think he knew that I was there, no matter what. Even if he didn’t quite understand it.

“You’re still here,” he finally whispered, his eyes not daring to leave mine, like I might disappear if he so much as blinked. I could feel his thumbs drawing small circles into my sides, like he was trying to give himself real proof that I was still with him. A small, sort of sad smile came to my lips as I gave a tiny shake of my head.

“I’m not going anywhere, Harry,” I whispered back, my nose brushing against his. A small hiccup rang through him that ended up turning into a broken sob.

“But why?” he croaked out, a fresh set of tears coming to his eyes.

“Because I want to be here.” A couple tears did fall then, but I was quick to swipe them away.

“I don’t- I don’t deserve this. I don’t deserve you. I’ve ruined everything. Why don’t you hate me?” I gave a small shrug.

“I don’t know. But I don’t. There’s something different here, Harry.”

The tiniest of smiles came to his lips as he recalled saying those words earlier in the record shop.

“Could I- could I kiss you? I know I’m kind of disgusting right now, but-” His words were cut off as I pressed my lips gently to his. The kiss was even softer than our first kiss, but it was much more passionate. It wasn’t hungry and it wasn’t lustful. It was almost…loving.