Ignite.

When I finally brought my eyes up from my shoes, I took notice of the apartment number. 17D. How and why I ended up at Harry’s apartment instead of Alex’s, I’ll never know. I don’t much remember even giving the taxi driver an address. Perhaps it was fate.

My whole body was trembling and I barely had the strength to get a loud enough knock on the door. But I managed and soon the heavy dark brown door was swinging open. My heart plummeted to my stomach as I took in the tall brunette woman standing in front of me, dressed in only her underwear and a bra.

“Hi! Harry didn’t say we’d be having another, but hey, the more the merrier! I’m Anna!” She chirped all this as she grabbed my arm and pulled me into the apartment and I immediately felt like I was going to be sick. I didn’t need to take more than three steps into the apartment before I heard it.

“Oh god, Harry, yes!” There were plenty of moans and groans to follow, accompanied only by the sound of skin hitting skin.

“I, uhm, I should go,” I stammered as I tried to turn, but she put her arm around my shoulders with a chuckle.

“Is this your first time with other girls? I promise, you’ll love it! And you’re super cute, Heather is gonna be all over you!” She continued to lead me toward the guest bedroom and I could literally feel the bile rising in my throat. “Harry, you didn’t say this was going to be a foursome!” Anna called out and then the moans suddenly stopped and there were a lot of noises that signaled he was scrambling off the bed. Hopefully he’d find something to put on as well.

“What’re you- Jesus Christ!” he yelped as he eyes fell to me. And no, he had not found something to wear. I guess people weren’t lying when they talked about him. He sure was packing heat, let me tell you. And I definitely thought I was going to be sick. Harry quickly disappeared back into the room, returning moments later with a pair of boxer briefs sitting low on his waist. “Jude, what are you-?” But I quickly got myself out of Anna’s hold and headed straight for the door.

How could I have been so stupid? Of course he was going to be with other women, we’d broken off whatever thing we’d had going. I guess a part of me just thought that if I was still hung up on him, then maybe he was still hung up on me. Clearly I was wrong.

“This was a mistake,” I muttered, wiping furiously at my face as I was now crying again. I yanked the front door open and took off down the hall, only to hear Harry’s deep voice calling me back. I ignored him though and continued to the elevator, jabbing violently at the down button. After what felt like an eternity, the small box showed up and I practically leapt inside, pressing the button for the lobby and then the one to close the doors. It would seem luck was not on my side though, as a large hand caught the door and lurched it back open just as it was about to shut.

“Jude,” he huffed, trying to catch his breath from chasing after me, basketball shorts and tee shirt now covering his body. The door shut then and started its descent to the lobby. “What are you doing here?” he asked, his hands reaching for mine, but I quickly pulled them away.

“I don’t even know, really. I was so stupid to come here. Obviously you would have company. I should’ve just gone to Alex’s-”

“Stop, Jude. Just stop. You should know you can come to me. What...what happened? You’re freaking out right now and I’m worried.” His hands finally did catch mine then and he gave them a good squeeze, his eyes searching mine.

“Nothing, I’m- I’m fine, okay? Just let me go.” I tried to pull my hands from his, but his grip only became stronger and soon his eyes were falling to our hands. And then he saw the light bruises that marked my wrists. He swallowed loudly, blinking a few times in an attempt to calm down.

“What is this?”

“It’s nothing-”

“Did Lucas do this?”

“Harry, please-”

“He did it, didn’t he? He tried to fuck you.” My eyes fell to the floor then, ashamed that I had let this happen. His hands dropped mine then, and he let out a loud growl as his fist made contact with the elevator wall. I jumped slightly, my eyes immediately flying up to him. “I swear to fucking god, I am going to destroy him. If that stupid prick thinks-”

“Harry, please relax,” I whimpered, my eyes filling with tears once more. I was hoping that would help him come to his senses, but he simply shook his head, a deep grimace on his face.

“I can’t relax, Jude! This bastard tried to rape you and-” My lips were quickly on his, as it was the only thing I could think of to calm him down. He tensed at first from the impact, but soon his whole body softened as his arms came around my waist, pulling me flush against his body. My hands were immediately tangled in his hair, tugging gently. His lips parted from mine as his hands came up to cradle my head. “I’m so sorry,” he whispered, his forehead resting against mine. He placed a smaller, but still urgent and needy kiss to my lips, before pulling back just enough to ghost over them. “I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have let this happen-” I pressed another kiss to his lips, trying to stop him from blaming himself.

“No, stop, you couldn’t have done anything. Don’t do this.” His lips were on mine again, and then the elevator let out a loud ‘ding!’, the door sliding open. Harry’s mouth never left mine as he hit the button for his floor, and soon we were heading back up.

“Stay with me tonight,” he gasped out as he tried to catch his breath. I pulled away slightly, my hands dropping from his hair.

“What about those girls?”

“If they haven’t already gotten the hint to leave, I’ll get rid of them. But I’m not letting you out of my sight.” His statement was made final with one more firm kiss and soon we were back on his floor. His fingers laced with mine as he led me down the hall, and his front door was still open from when he dashed out. The two girls were sitting on his couch, although they were clothed now.

“Harry, is everything alright?” The one who I hadn’t been formally introduced to yet cooed, leaping up from her seat and hurrying to his side. She was definitely about to kiss him, but he sidestepped her, telling her that they needed to leave. “What? But we were having such a-”

“Leave. Now.” She scoffed and rolled her eyes, grabbing her purse from the couch and following Anna out the door. Once they were clear down the hall, Harry finally turned to me, taking my hands in his. “Are you okay?” he asked skeptically, his eyes searching mine. I mean, obviously I wasn’t, but it was something I was going to have to get past.

“I will be,” I finally answered, giving him a tight lipped smile. His eyebrows crinkled and I watched as he mentally blamed himself again.

“Are you hungry?”

“A little.”

“I could make you something-”

“Could I possibly take a shower first?” I asked almost timidly. I mean, this was only my second time being there.

“Yeah, of course. Come on.” With his hand still tightly clasped around mine, he led me down the hallway and through his room to his bathroom. He pulled a towel out of a tall cabinet in the corner and then excused himself, saying he’d leave some clothes for me on the toilet. I thanked him on his way out and soon I was left alone, the only sound being the whirring of the fan.

This night sure was one for the books, eh?

A bitter laugh escaped my lips as I took a look at myself in the mirror. I looked exhausted, honestly, and my disheveled hair and running mascara did nothing for the picture. Did I do this to myself? Had I been asking for it? Hundreds of thoughts like these circled my head as I mindlessly undressed and turned the shower to a scalding temperature. I couldn’t stop thinking as I lathered shampoo into my hair. I just, I’d never thought I’d be a victim to something like this. Most of the time, boys were afraid to even approach me. I guess Lucas wasn’t scared of my father or Henry.

The water had started to run cold and I had lost track over whether I was crying or it was simply the shower that was keeping my face wet. So I decided that I’d been in there long enough and forced myself out of the shower. As promised, Harry had left me a pair of sweatpants and some old band tee shirt. His towels were fluffy and his clothes smelled like detergent and him and I felt a little less horrid. I slipped on the clothes as quickly as possible before padding through the apartment to find him.

And I did.

He sat at a chair in the kitchen, his elbows propped up on his knees and his face buried in his hands. Every so often his fingers would tangle in his curls and pull roughly, and I felt a frown forming on my face at that. He was really taking this hard. I was okay though. Nothing had happened. And it was nowhere near his fault, so I couldn’t piece together why he insisted on blaming himself.

“Harry?” I finally croaked out, not being able to watch him torture himself anymore. His hands quickly rubbed over his face before he leapt from the seat and shot me a smile.

“Are you feeling a little better?” he asked as he crossed the kitchen and placed my head between his hands.

“Yes, thank you.” I expected him to smile wider, but his smile only seemed to drop as he glanced me over.

“You’ve been crying.”

“Harry, I’m fine, really-”

“You’ve been crying.” A frown settled onto my lips as well as my hands laid over his and I placed a small kiss to the heel of his hand.

“It’s okay.” I tried to reassure him, but he just stared hard at me for a few long moments.

“Are you still hungry? It’s after three.” He pulled away then, his hands dropping from my face as he put some distance between us.

“I mean, if you don’t want to-”

“It’s no trouble. How about a grilled cheese?”

“That sounds perfect, actually.” A small smile did reach his lips finally and I would take it. I didn’t want him to be upset over this. There was nothing he could do. So he nodded and went about getting the things he’d need and got to work. It only took about ten minutes for him to make a sandwich for each of us, so I’d hopped on the counter and just sort of watched him work. It was clear he was friendly with his kitchen, and that was sort of endearing, honestly. Something not so endearing, however, was the collection of red marks all over his knuckles. Those had certainly not been there when I got in the shower. But I didn’t want him to get upset, especially while he was over a hot stove, so I kept my mouth shut.

He soon handed me a small plate, the sandwich cut diagonally. That was exactly how I loved mine cut. Margot had been cutting them diagonally for as long as I could remember.

“Yay, you cut them diagonally,” I cheered to myself, my legs swinging back and forth before I held half of the sandwich up to my face. “It makes a smile!” Harry stood in front of me and his eyes flickered up to me as a smirk came to his lips.

“Or it could be a hat!” he called, holding it just slightly above his mass of hair. A childish giggle escaped my lips as I gently nudged his hip with my leg before sinking my teeth into the bread and tearing off a bite.

“Oh my god, Harry. This is probably better than Margot’s. But I swear to god, if you tell her that I will end you.” A sort of moan escaped my lips as I savored the sandwich and Harry’s eyes were lit up as he took in the moment. Because for a second, everything was okay.

“Well I’m glad you like it. And I’d really love to see you try to ‘end me’, babe.” A cheeky grin flitted to his lips as he lifted his sandwich and once again I was met with those ugly red marks on his knuckles.

“What have you done to your hands?” I asked quietly before I could stop myself. His mouth was open, his hand stuck in midair as his eyes met mine. Without taking a bite, he set the food back onto his plate before his eyes drifted to his large hands. He let out a sigh, not being able to bring his eyes to me now.

“I, uhm, might have gotten a little upset while you were in the shower.” We were quiet for a bit before I took his hands in mine, placing delicate kisses to each of the knuckles that had been bruised.

“Please don’t hurt yourself,” I murmured before letting go of his hands and returning to my dinner. He soon followed suit and we finished our sandwiches in silence.

“I can’t promise anything,” he finally said as he took our plates to the dishwasher a few minutes later. I nodded slightly, trying to understand. “I’ll try not to though.” He returned to me, standing between my legs as his hands gently met my hips.

“That’s all I ask,” I chirped with a grin as I leaned into him for a kiss. But suddenly a lightbulb went off and I abruptly pulled away. His face had fallen as he gave me a confused look. “Have you brushed your teeth since I’ve been here?” If anything, that just made him look more confused.

“You’ve been in my bathroom?”

“Well go brush them now then.”

“Why?” he cried indignantly, his eyebrows furrowing.

“Because, my dear, it’s just occurred to me that you had your mouth all over a woman earlier and I really don’t want the taste of vagina in my mouth.”

“You kissed me earlier.”

“Well clearly I wasn’t thinking about it. Please?” He rolled his eyes and heaved a great joking sigh before playfully stomping off to his bathroom. I hung back for a few moments, still trying to process everything. This night had been a whole blur and I still didn’t feel like I had my feet on the ground. The way Harry was reacting was getting to me the most, though. I just felt so guilty that he felt like this. He shouldn’t have to feel bad. This was my fault. I did this to myself.

A prominent frown took its place on my mouth as I continued to scold myself for the night’s events. I did this. I finally pulled myself down from the counter and in daze made my way to Harry’s room, my body collapsing on the bed once I got there. Hot tears welled in my eyes and I willed them to go away, not wanting to upset Harry again.

“There, minty fresh. Are you- Jude, what’s wrong?” His tone did a one-eighty as he stepped into the bedroom, seeing big, fat, sloppy tears rolling down my cheeks. He rushed over to the bed, pulling me into a sitting position and into his side. His arm wrapped my shoulders, his thumb rubbing the skin gently. I immediately threw my arms around his waist, my cries coming out in loud sobs as I buried my face into his chest. I was absolutely certain that he was freaked out or disgusted or something, but he held me tight, his thumb never ceasing to rub at my shoulder. After what felt like an eternity, I was able to pull my head away from him and bring my eyes to his, which were wide and round and sad.

“Was this my fault?” I choked out, my eyes searching his for the answer. His eyes got impossibly sadder and even slightly glazed over before he shook his head vigorously.

“No, Jude, of course not. Don’t you ever think that. What he did was wrong-”

“Yeah, but...he was always so nice to me, and I guess I just sort of- strung him along and- maybe I deserved-”

“No.”

My words caught in my throat at how impossibly serious and sincere he was about this. I bit down hard on my lip, hoping I wouldn’t cry anymore. Harry’s hands came up to cup my face as he forced me to look at him.

“Listen to me,” he begged, his eyes glued to mine. “This is not your fault. I don’t care what he might have said, this is not your fault in any way, do you hear me? He is a disgusting human being, and I swear to god, if I ever see him, he’s a dead man. You deserve so much better, Jude. I will never let him hurt you again.” My eyes did well up again, but this time not because I was sad. I had never been spoken to with so much passion and care before and I never expected it from Harry. A lone tear ran down my cheek and Harry’s thumb was quick to swipe it away.

“I’m sorry.” I laughed one of those sad, pathetic laughs that only come out when you’re crying, but Harry just shook his head with a sad smile.

“You’ve nothing to be sorry for,” he whispered before placing gentle kisses all over my face, ending with a small, tender kiss on my lips. I’d decided I wanted to lie down then, so Harry helped me get settled in his sheets, pulling them up all around me. “I’ll sleep on the couch. So if you need anything, I’ll be in the living room.” A small frown met my face. I didn’t want him to have to give up a good night’s sleep for me.

“Are you sure?”

“Yeah, of course. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable and I’m not sleeping in the guest room until those sheets are washed.” Cue grimace from both of us. I agreed to let him go then, and he placed a quick kiss on my forehead and bid me goodnight.

--

Harry didn’t last thirty minutes on the couch. I was drifting in and out of consciousness when I heard the bedroom door creak open and soon the bed was dipping down.

“‘m sorry, but I can’t get comfortable out there. I promise I’ll stay on this side of the bed,” he murmured as I rolled to face him. We stared at each other for a few moments, me trying to collect my thoughts. He looked so tired and it only then dawned on me that it was after four in the morning.

“I’m sorry I kept you up so late,” I whispered finally, causing him to smile as he shook his head lightly.

“It’s not a problem. I need you to know I’m here for you, Jude. I’m here.” Without even thinking, I scooted over to him, my arm slinging across his stomach as I pulled myself closer. “What’re you-?”

“Shh. Just hold me?” His arm came around my body, pulling me even closer as he placed soft kisses to my hair.

“Always.”