It's Not All What It Seems...

I walked in the room and looked around; trying to take in every inch. The room was small. Very small. It housed a desk, a chair and a bed. And on that bed, laid Gerard. My new patient... My new puzzle.

"Hello" I said with a smile.
He turned and looked at me, still laying in bed.
"My name is Dr. Cobain" I said as I held out my hand and smiled. "You can call me Lindsey though... It's a pleasure to meet you!"
He sat up and shook my hand.
"What's your name?"
"...Gerard."
"I like that name." I said as I smiled again. I really did, it's a handsome name. It fit him very well.

He moved hair out of his face and looked at me up and down.
"What do you want from me?"
"Excuse me?" I said as I chuckled and looked at him, waiting for a response.
"You heard me... What do you want from me?" Gerard asked as he looked at me. He looked like a deer in headlights. He seemed on edge more than anything.
"Nothing... Unless you have candy-" I said as I took off my suit jacket and sat back on the chair near his desk. "-I will always want that from anyone." I chuckled. "Is it okay if I sit here?"
"Oh... Uh... Yeah, that's fine. Thanks for asking." He said as he laid back down.
"So... To start off, I"m Dr. Lindsey Cobain. I'm you're new-"
"Oh god." Gerard scoffed as he stood up. "I'm sorry, miss, but you are not needed."
"Not needed?" I asked as I raised my eyebrow. "What do you mean?"
He turned and looked at me.
"You have my file, what else do you need from me?" He asked as he stared at the ceiling.
"Well... For starters.... Let's get to know each other." I said as I crossed my legs. "I want to know the Gerard that isn't in this file. What's your favorite food? Favorite movie? Favorite-"
"Enough" Gerard blurted out, cutting me off. "I don't wanna keep doing this bullshit anymore. They're just gonna fuckin' kill me anyways"
"Kill you?" I asked as I put his file down on the desk next to me. "Why? Who told you that?"
"I was gonna get fuckin' killed if I didn't plea insanity." He said, still staring at the ceiling from his bed.
I just folded my hands, and... Just let him talk.
Gerard sat up and stared at his hands. "I did what the lawyer said and now I'm hearing shit that if I don't behave, I'm gonna be fuckin' back where I started from." Gerard said despondently. "I don't even know how I'm behaving because I don't fucking remember anything." Gerard said as he looked at me wide-eyed. He seemed to shake his head like he was riding himself of that current emotion and laid back down.
"You're just gonna write in your stupid little notepad 'This guy is a fuckin; whacko'" He said in a falsetto, horrible woman's voice I guess... my voice?
"Well... I don't have a notepad, Gerard" I said as I sighed. "I'm sorry to burst your bubble. I understand the severity of what's going on. I want to help you. You're not going to get killed, Gerard." I said as I looked at him. "When you are saying people are telling you to behave, what does that mean?"
"Beats me!" Gerard said as he slapped his hands against his face. "I don't know!" Gerard said as he laughed and shook his head with his hands still covering his face. "I thought I was doing good..."
"So... You said you don't remember anything... Can you give me an example?" I asked, looking at him.
Gerard placed his hands next to him on the bed. "It's like blacking out. Like being drunk. But... I'm not drunk." Gerard said as he looked over at me. "You know?"
I nodded and gestured for him to continue.
"So... I can be... Sittin' here like I normally do... And... Fuck, I sound crazy"
"No, Mr. Way.. Please continue." I said in a calm voice in hopes he would continue.
Gerard sighed and paused for a few moments. "It doesn't happen all the time... But sometimes." Gerard said while he stared at the ceiling. "I know I'm fucked in the head... I've been like this for a long time... I was going to therapy... I know if I switch... But, I do have to confess..." Gerard said as he sighed defeatedly. "It's gonna fuck up everything."
"Nothing is fucked up." I say as I try to console him.
Gerard sighed again and looked at me. "I stopped going to therapy. I couldn't afford it..."
"That is nothing to be ashamed about. I know how expensive therapy can be..." I say as I look at him and smile. "It's very expensive to have weekly dates with me."
Gerard smiles slightly and chuckles. "Yeah... Fixing mental health is expensive..."

Gerard is a very handsome man. He has this long, unkempt jet-black hair that danced around his shoulders. I glanced up at his face again-his very defined face. His jaw line and nose were so defined. Moving my eyes down to his lips, it was obvious he talks out of the right side of his mouth. I swallowed and looked away, trying not to make constant eye contact because it was a little weird but... I couldn't help myself. I looked back and we made eye contact. His eyes were hazel, and not the normal kind. His eyes were beautiful and entrancing.

"I want to get out of here." Gerard said as he sighed and put his hands behind his head.
"I can try to make that happen if-"
He looked up at me and raised his eyebrow. "I can..?"
"IF" I restated again, looking straight at him "If... You work with me."
Gerard, still laying in bed, gazed up at the ceiling. "Fuck" he said, under his breath.
"What's up?" I asked as I continued to look at him.
"I don't know... That... That's certainly a change for once." He said as he signed. "I hope that ain't a lie though... That would s u c k" He said as he drew out the last word.
"Well, I'd love to help you." I said as I smiled at him. "Anyway... I need to know the real you. I don't give a shit about what your file says right now, you tell me whatever you want to about yourself. No notepad" I said as I held up my hands. "No scribbling down anything."
Gerard sat up slowly and rested his hands on his knees. He slowly looked up at me.
"Okay, so.... you basically know me though. What's the purpose of this?" He asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Forget the file." I say as I stand and grab the file off the desk. "I'll be right back, Mr. Way"
I walk over to Quinn, who is staring daggers at me.
"What?" I ask, looking at him,
"....How...How is it going?" He asks, standing slowly. "Do you want me in there?" He asks as he puts his hand out.
"Oh! Geez, no." I said handing him the file. "No, we're fine... Can you just hold this for me?"
"Yeah, sure Doc." Quinn says, taking the file and sitting back down.

I walk back in the room to find Gerard in the same position.
"No file." I say as I walk back to the chair I was once sitting in. "Mr. Way- actually, can I call you Gerard?"
"Yeah" He says looking at me. "Gerard's fine."
"Okay" I say as I take a deep breath. "Tell me about yourself."
Gerard scoots back on the bed so his back is up against the wall. He crosses his legs; seeming like he wants to be engaged.
"Well... I'm Gerard... I'm from New Jersey- I've lived here my whole god damn life" He says as he chuckles slightly. "My favorite food is pizza."
I laugh and look at him. "You're gonna get mad." I say as I smile.
Gerard leans in. "Why?"
"New York pizza-"
"OH" Gerard exclaims as he laughs. "I agree. It is very good!"
I laugh with him and cross my arms.

"You're turn, Doc." Gerard says as he does the same with his arms.
"Cool. My name is Lindsey Cobain-"
"Wait- FUCK" Gerard exclaims as he raises his hand. "Cobain?"
I sigh and tilt my head. "Yes, my dad" I say with a slight chuckle.
"Wow- that flew over my fuckin' head let me tell ya" He says as he chuckles. "Sorry, continue Doc."
"So my name is Lindsey... I'm from Seattle. My favorite food is breakfast anything"
Gerard chuckles and scratches his head. "I'm 35."
"I'm 30" I say as I lean back in my chair. "Just turned 30."
"I remember turning 30" Gerard says as he gazes up to the ceiling "My friend's, at the time, took me to a bar"
"You drink?"
"Oh" He scoffs. "Yeah- Well, I used to"
"Used to?" I ask, looking at him.
"Well" Gerard says as he stretches. "Can't get any whisky in here or jail."
"Very true." I say as I nod. "This place would be a lot better if it had whisky"
Gerard chuckles and shakes his head. "Yeah" he says as he looks down. "Whisky saw me at my lowest."
"Tequila saw me at mine" I say, looking at him again.

"I had a real bad drinking problem." Gerard said as he sighed. "Being here and in jail has been keeping me sober... I think this is the longest I've been sober in a long time..." Gerard said as he looked around the room.
I nodded and looked at him expectantly, waiting for him to continue.
Gerard shakes his head and looks up at me
"Can I ask you some questions? All these sessions are just about me being some sad sap." He says as he chuckles.
"Oh, yeah. Go ahead, Gerard."
"So..." Gerard starts as he looks at me. "Why did you move here?"
I shrug. "Cheaper than New York."
Gerard nods, agreeing with me. He looks at my face then down to my hand. "Are you married? Or do you take off your jewelry before entering my cage?"
I look at him and cross my arms. "No... Happily single. Thinking about getting a cat."
"Not even a dating site?" He asks, looking at me. "That would be the first thing I do when I get out. I wanna settle down before I'm too old."
"You're not old."
"I'm 35, Dr. Cobain." Gerard says as he stares up at the ceiling. "Who knows when I'll get out."
"I understand" I say as I stand. "Is it okay if I sit closer? I feel like I'm screaming at you across the room" I say as I laugh.
Gerard scoots over on the bed. "Yeah, the bed if you want." He says as he readjusts.
"Thanks" I say as I walk over to his bed and sit on the edge, facing him. "Any more questions?"
Gerard looks at me and tuns red. "God... I haven't seen a woman in so long- I'm sorry if I'm getting all flustered. All my doctors are males and so are the guards."
I chuckle. "That's okay."
"So" Gerard says after he clears his throat. "Do you have family here?"
"No.. I don't" I say as I sigh. "I'm here all by myself... I just bought my first house."
"Oh wow" Gerard says as he smiles. "That's cool."
"Yes" I say as I laugh. "My dad helped me which was nice of him"
"Do you get along with your dad?"
"For the most part, yes." I say as I laugh again. "He's happy I'm not in his line of work."
"Really?"
"He didn't want me apart of the music scene... He didn't want me to get mixed up into what he did."
"That's understandable... But, you guys don't get along?"
"We do... But we get into silly arguments, like, he didn't want me to move here... He doesn't like when I'm far from him."
"Oh.." Gerard says as he crosses his arms. "I get that sorta relationship... I was like that with my mom."
"You get along with her?"
"Yeah" Gerard says as he smiles. "I love my mom. We get along..."
"Does she see you while you're here?"
"No." Gerard says as he sighs. "I don't even want my mom here either... I don't want her to see me like this."
I nod and place my hand over his. "It might be nice to have your mom see you."
Gerard blushes and takes a deep breath. "I might call her... I haven't returned her calls..."
"Whenever you're ready." I say as I smile and hold his hand.
"Do you miss your dad?" Gerard says as he holds my hand back.
"Dearly."
"It must be so cool to have your dad be famous."
"Sometimes... A lot of my life has been in the public eye. I was homeschooled for a while because people would try to snap pictures of my parents and I. It's hard when nothing is private."
Gerard nods and sighs. "Yeah.."
"Any relationship... Anything is public knowledge..." I say as I look at Gerard.
Gerard looks at me. "I feel like that since all that shit happened..."
"Yeah?"
"Yeah... I don't even know what happened... All these reporters keep coming up to me every time I go to court trying to get a statement- I don't even know what happened!" Gerard says as he lets go of my hand and holds himself.
I put my hand on his back. "It's okay" I say as I look at him.

Gerard looks at me and takes a deep breath. "I'm sorry... I didn't mean to get all worked up and make it about me. I know you are sharing stuff and I'm sorry."
"Don't apologize, Gerard." I say as I move my hand back to his hand. "Don't think that way... I want to create a safe space for you."
Gerard smiles and holds my hand again. "I like talking to you."
"Really?"
"Yeah... Yeah, I do."

Gerard and I spend another hour talking about our childhoods... I can tell it's quite cathartic for Gerard. He seems like he has missed human interaction in general.
"No one really talks to me down here... I'm like a chatter-box." Gerard says as he looks at me and chuckles.
"Really?" I ask, slightly tilting my head.
"I mean, Quinn talks to me sometimes- He's really cool." Gerard says as he plays with his hands. "I just think he's scared of me..."
"Are you scary?"
Gerard looked at me and raised an eyebrow. "No.. I don't think I'm scary... I just think I'm a poor guy with shit luck."
"What does that mean?"
"I'm here." Gerard says as he raises his hands to gesture around the room. "I don't even know why I'm in here."
What does that mean, Gerard?"
"I don't want to talk about that right now" Gerard said almost immediately.
"That's okay" I told him as I smiled. "Whenever you're ready"

I down at Gerard, and all I felt was pity. This poor man just wants a second chance... The way he speaks and looks like a sad puppy makes me go crazy...I can just not get how handsome he is out of my head. I mean, I'm not just going to take off my clothes and go "fuck me" to Gerard despite how much I want to I'm going to treat this situation like I would any other.

Quinn walks over with a tray of food. I look up and step back from Gerard. I look at him again and smile. It must be dinner time for Gerard, I guess I should leave him be.
"Anyway, Gerard.. I just want you to know.. I'm here. Always. I'm here every day from 8 to 10 pm" I said with a smile. "If you need me after that..-" I grabbed a pen and a paper from his desk and wrote my cellphone number. "Here's my cellphone number. I will tell Quinn that if you need me after hours, that you are allowed to call me... even if its' just to say 'hi' or if you feel lonely."
Gerard took the paper and looked at it.
"Do you want to talk about anything before I leave?"
Gerard continued to stare down at the paper and then smiled at me. "Okay... Yeah...Sounds good,"

I put on my suit jacket and turned back to him.
"Goodbye Gerard" I said with a smile and headed for the door.
"Thank you." he said as he stood. "Thank you, Dr. Cobain."
"Call me Lindsey." I said as I smiled again and walked out passed Quinn.

Gerard was like a puzzle. I look at my patients like that. All of my patients are like puzzles. But with Gerard.. He gave me a different vibe. So many people have tried to put the pieces back to together to the point they just won't fit without some careful maneuvering and recovering along the way.