Status: :) R&R and I love you.
Abused
Sixteen
I sit down on the couch and let Laura explore in my apartment. It's not a very large apartment. I have three rooms and a kitchen. Yeah, sounds like a lot for only one person, but.. The kitchen is pretty small. I have a dark wooden table in the corner, right next to my fridge. (so that I'm not far away from the fridge when I sit down to eat..) Right next to my kitchen, there's a small living room. I have a couch, an arm chair and a pretty large TV.
Next to the living room I have my bedroom. It's very small, there's only one double bed which is not ver large, and a mirror on the wall. I have one bathroom, which is next to my bedroom. I also have an extra room, which I use for my work stuff, but when I have friends around I use it as my quest room, because no way anyone else could sleep in the bedroom with me, unless we're sharing the bed. There's not enough room.
It's like a circle. I can get to any room whenever I like, except the quest room. When you step inside, there's a small space for shoes and a small cabinet for jackets and stuff. Then there's a hallway if you go straight ahead. On your left, there's the kitchen. From the kitchen you'll get in the living room, which is in the end of the hallway. And from the living room I can get in the bedroom or bathroom. My guest room is next to the bedroom, but the shitty thing is that you'll need to go trough my room to get in the guest room.
I just stare at Laura who is running around, asking too many questions, looking pretty much excited. She walks in my bedroom and I hear the closet door open. Oh, shit. She's gonna find all my clothes. And no doubt, she'll look trough them all.
"Oh my god, what a perfect pair of jeans! Look at that shirt!" Nice. That's exactly what I meant. Damn, that girl doesn't know what the word "privacy" means. She soon returns in the living room, holding two pieces of clothing in her hands. My favourite top, the black one that has glitter on it, and skinny jeans. I haven't been shopping in a long time, and when I think about it, those jeans are the latest piece of clothing I've bought and it must have been like two months ago. Wow.
"We're going to party", she just says. I roll my eyes. "Nope." She glares at me and sits down on the couch. She places my clothes on my lap and then does a begging face. "Please?" I shake my head a no. No way, I am so not going to do this anymore. I have a boyfriend, and I have a job. Partying with Laura is.. I don't know.. Rough? I don't want to risk anything. Especially not my job or Zak. I shake my head. No fucking way.
She then just takes my clothes, disappears in the bedroom and returns without them. "We are going to party. No arguments", she says firmly. "Geez, Laura! Didn't you hear what I said?" She just shakes her head. "I thought you knew me well enough to tell that I won't take a no as an answer." I look at her in disbelief. I don't feel like partying.
"C'mon. A night without boyfriends. No Brad, no.. No Zak.. No work, especially no work. A girls' night out!" When I look at her I see the brightness in her eyes and sigh. "Okay, but nothing too rough or risky this time", I say and she agrees. Oh God. What have I now promised to do?
"Just thought that maybe some of our old favourite places are still here", she says and grins. Oh my gosh. "Really?" I ask and look at her. She just giggles and nods. "No. We're so not going there again. Like.. ever." But of course I know that like everything else, she's going to make this happen, too.
It's too early to go out yet, and also it's Monday so there won't be too many people. I think. I hope. But after all this is Vegas. There are endless possibilities for partying and having fun. We're not the only girls (or guys) who don't have to work tomorrow. I swallow thickly.
I grab the clothes Laura chose for me, take her hand, walk her to the door and tell her to get the hell outta here and to be back here on time, then on my way I stop by in the kitchen where I have some of my extra money, walk in the bedroom, take a hairbrush and go in the shower.
My first time partying in some good three years. And a reminder of my old life, the life I once, long time ago, used to live. It was almost as happy as the life I live now. It was exciting to be that young. Everything just felt more exciting and wonderful that it really is.
I close the bathroom door behind me and stare at the mirror. I am no longer that Nadine. I look different. (mainly because I'm older), but in the inside, I have changed too. Pretty much every littlest detail of my life has changed. But some of those things, like the pain and violence, those things have followed me around ever since I was born. But something inside of me has changed, too. I've grown up and started a different life, without all this partying and alcohol. But I think that once in a while is not so bad. Just once in a while.
I take a hairbrush and brush my messy hair, staring at the shadows under my eyes, wondering why in the hell a guy like Zak Bagans even fell in love with a girl like me.
There we are, once again, in a place where I though I'd never ever be again. And, with a person I had never expected to meet in a train back to Vegas after an awful investigation. But, here I am with Laura in one of our old favourite clubs.
It's kinda nostalgic. I have never been able to use the "when we were young"- thing, but now I am able to use it all the time. Like, when we were young we came here every Saturday. I grin at the thought and sit down. This table used to be where we sat down, me, Laura, James and Brad. I always sat on the chair on the edge of the table. James bought us too many drinks and Brad told dumb jokes. Me and Laura, we got drunk too easily and giggled uncontrollably. Yeah. That's what it was like when I was 21.
Now there are just the two of us, me and Laura. And we are not even looking for any guys this time. We did that, too. I mean who hasn't been staring at hot guys in a club.. But this time I would just feel guilty because honestly Zak is too good for me, and I just can't do anything he wouldn't like or.. Even though he doesn't need to know about this night. I made it pretty clear that I don't drink alcohol.. He did complain about the fact that he can't take me out in his favourite club, but..
"What could I get you?" A young girl waitress asks. Laura grins and orders us some pretty fucking strong drinks before I even get to argue. She just giggles. "It's just this one night N, just one night! Where's that party girl I used to know?" I roll my eyes and sigh. I wish I knew L, I wish I knew.. She had to step back and give room for a reasonable adult Nadine who learned how to deal with her own shit.
I then just end up shrugging and tapping the table with my fingers. I feel.. I feel slightly uncomfortable. Nadine, are you now thinking that you are too old for this? Maybe. But that should be impossible, because I am only 26, not 76 or something. Zak goes out and on clubs even though he's 35.
The music just seems to be a bit too louder than what I am used to, and it slightly hurts my ears. The mixture of different smells and scents is making the atmosphere a bit heavy. I can clearly smell sweat of dancing people, alcohol, smoke, cologne and fresh air.. I silently notice that a familiar scent is missing, a scent I was so used to during the past weeks. The scent of Zak, my Zak.. I sigh and try not to think about him because it just makes me miss him even more (if that is even possible).
I take a sip of the bright red drink that has glowing ice cubes and a small parasol on it. It tastes like strawberry, sugar and alcohol. It's a bit too sweet for me, really. I haven't had any alcohol in a long time, so it kicks in immediately. My head feels a bit heavy, hell, maybe I even feel slightly light-headed. But those feelings are soon replaced with the feeling of lightness and happiness. And that's when I know that I am getting drunk, already.
It's really true that if you quit drinking, after some years if you take even a bottle of beer, you'll surely feel strange as hell. Well, that's how I feel right now, even though I've had something stronger than a beer.
The song changes. My ears register the sound of a familiar song. I start to feel a bit more relaxed so I take another sip of my sweet drink. I can feel a burning sensation in my throat and my mind feels light. It's hard to think, almost. My mind is getting a little blurry and it takes me some time to register when Laura grabs my hand, tells me to stand up and starts to walk towards the disco floor. Oh God.
Hell, I had already forgotten how it feels.. To wear too high heels, tight jeans, small shirt and too much make up. And of course, the feeling you get when you drink. The lightness. Which is then in the morning followed by a hell of a hangover. But that's not what you think when you go out and party. That's when you have fun. In the morning there will be plenty of time to regret.
We just start to dance, pretty casually. There's not much room, even though like I already mentioned, it's Monday. Obviously some other people, too, have a day off tomorrow. I look around in the dark room.
There are many people, dancing, sitting on the couches and chairs around the tables, leaning on the walls or just hanging out around the DJ area. The music is good, and reminds me a bit of those evenings we secretly spent in here. Hell, it reminds me of how I met James in here. Shut up mind. This is how I get when I drink. All memories just find their ways in my head and there's no other option than to suffer. I shake my head. Right now I am partying. Besides, it's girls night out. If there's no Zak, then definitely there's no James or any other guy from the past.
Two pretty young guys are dancing close to us. I can almost feel the heat radiating from their exhausted bodies. They seem to be a bit more drunk than I'm, and they are dancing pretty.. wildly.
One of them dances closer to us, and steps in between me and Laura. I give him an annoyed glare, and it should be obvious that I don't want him anywhere near us. He just keeps dancing and smirking like an idiot.
He has short, brown hair, and grey eyes. He's wearing blue jeans and a pretty casual white shirt. He is definitely not my type of a guy, and Laura's taken too. "Hey", he suddenly says. I just nod and try to get rid of him as fast as possible. I turn my back at him and dance another way. But, he's obviously clingy and it annoys me even more. He follows me and repeats his 'hey'.
I sigh. "Hi". He smirks and puts his hands in his pockets. Then he steps closer and I take a small step back. "I'm sorry..", he mumbles and then just flashes me a bright smile. "I am Jack", he says and offers me his hand. Who cares what his name is? All I can think about is that he annoys me and is being too clingy. I just barely even touch his hand and whisper "Nadine".
"Nadine? That's a pretty name", he says and smiles. Agh, why can't guys see when someone is taken? Even though.. I AM with only a friend in a club that is full of young people, so.. I stare at the floor, not really wanting to react.
"So.." he starts and I look at his face. It's awkward as hell. Even worse than the night in Zak's hotel room, which I would say was the most awkward experience of my life so far. The DJ decides to change the style and I soon hear a very touching slow dance song. I curse inside my head when that 'Jack' reaches out his hand, expecting me to take it. I just sigh and place my hand on his.. I mean, it's only one dance. It doesn't harm anybody.
But that's not good enough for Jack. He grabs my hands tightly and pulls me closer to himself. I feel very uncomfortable but decide not to say anything. I let him place his hands on my back. It's only one dance Nadine, calm down. This guy must be younger than you are. So he's so not trying anything. He just needed someone to dance with. . I hope.
At the end of the song he pulls me closer and just stares at my eyes. He slides his hands too much south and that's when I've had enough. I just whisper him "I'm taken", and he suddenly lets go of me. I head outside the club. Enough of the partying and awkward situation. I pull out my phone and text Laura, telling her that I will wait for her outside, because.. Well, just because I need some fresh air to clear my thoughts. And maybe I did want to escape a very awkward situation.
I lean on the wall, waiting for Laura to notice that I left the club. It might take her some time, because it's pretty noisy in the club and she doesn't take a look at her phone as often as I usually do. But she'll notice, eventually.
The fresh air feels so amazing, and it helps me to clear out my head. And there is this one feeling that is stronger than the others. It's pain. I miss Zak. I miss the heat of his body, his lips against mine, his hands on my body, the look in his eyes when he kisses me and-.. I am distracted by the sound of music and a car nearby.
A pretty old car full of young men drives like one meter away from me. The driver pulls the car over and waves at me. I just look away. Oh my God, how many times this has to happen today? "Hey, cutie.. Wanna come with us?" He asks and blinks. A few of his friends burst out laughing. "No thanks", I mumble loudly and lean closer to the wall. "Aww. It would be the best night of you life, I can guarantee!" He shouts and a few of his friends do so too. I just shake my head a 'no' and pull out my phone to see if Laura has texted me. But, I have no new messages.
"C'mon, have some fun", he tries again. Really? Does he really think that I would jump in a car full of drunk strangers, then have sex with them and feel happy in the morning? Men.. I sigh and pocket my phone. And that's when I notice that he still hasn't left.
"I'm gonna wait here until you will just say yes", he says and I hear them turn off the music. "Then you will have to wait forever", I mutter and decide to leave, because the atmosphere has become very very uncomfortable. I take a step on the other way, when I hear the shout: "Hey, where do you think you're going?" I don't turn back to look at them. I keep walking, fast. "Hey, come back here!" I hear their voices but I keep walking. I hear the beat of my heart hard against my chest. It's very hard to walk fast with these damn high heels and these fucking tight jeans. I curse my clothes and Laura and also the alcohol that's affecting my balance and keep walking.
I reach a familiar small road, leading to my home. And that's when I notice a too familiar car that has stopped two roads ahead of me. The driver seems to smirk and looks pretty pleased. A nice trap. But a smart girl knows how to make a U-turn. I turn to walk back to the club, because I really DON'T want to end up in the same car with those guys.
And that's when I notice another car, blocking my way back to the club. My heart starts to race fast and my legs start to burn. Oh fuck fuck fuck fuck! I'm trapped. I feel the phone vibrate in my pocket, but I don't have the time to take a look at it now. Right now I am trying to focus on getting back to the club or my home, alive.
Next to the living room I have my bedroom. It's very small, there's only one double bed which is not ver large, and a mirror on the wall. I have one bathroom, which is next to my bedroom. I also have an extra room, which I use for my work stuff, but when I have friends around I use it as my quest room, because no way anyone else could sleep in the bedroom with me, unless we're sharing the bed. There's not enough room.
It's like a circle. I can get to any room whenever I like, except the quest room. When you step inside, there's a small space for shoes and a small cabinet for jackets and stuff. Then there's a hallway if you go straight ahead. On your left, there's the kitchen. From the kitchen you'll get in the living room, which is in the end of the hallway. And from the living room I can get in the bedroom or bathroom. My guest room is next to the bedroom, but the shitty thing is that you'll need to go trough my room to get in the guest room.
I just stare at Laura who is running around, asking too many questions, looking pretty much excited. She walks in my bedroom and I hear the closet door open. Oh, shit. She's gonna find all my clothes. And no doubt, she'll look trough them all.
"Oh my god, what a perfect pair of jeans! Look at that shirt!" Nice. That's exactly what I meant. Damn, that girl doesn't know what the word "privacy" means. She soon returns in the living room, holding two pieces of clothing in her hands. My favourite top, the black one that has glitter on it, and skinny jeans. I haven't been shopping in a long time, and when I think about it, those jeans are the latest piece of clothing I've bought and it must have been like two months ago. Wow.
"We're going to party", she just says. I roll my eyes. "Nope." She glares at me and sits down on the couch. She places my clothes on my lap and then does a begging face. "Please?" I shake my head a no. No way, I am so not going to do this anymore. I have a boyfriend, and I have a job. Partying with Laura is.. I don't know.. Rough? I don't want to risk anything. Especially not my job or Zak. I shake my head. No fucking way.
She then just takes my clothes, disappears in the bedroom and returns without them. "We are going to party. No arguments", she says firmly. "Geez, Laura! Didn't you hear what I said?" She just shakes her head. "I thought you knew me well enough to tell that I won't take a no as an answer." I look at her in disbelief. I don't feel like partying.
"C'mon. A night without boyfriends. No Brad, no.. No Zak.. No work, especially no work. A girls' night out!" When I look at her I see the brightness in her eyes and sigh. "Okay, but nothing too rough or risky this time", I say and she agrees. Oh God. What have I now promised to do?
"Just thought that maybe some of our old favourite places are still here", she says and grins. Oh my gosh. "Really?" I ask and look at her. She just giggles and nods. "No. We're so not going there again. Like.. ever." But of course I know that like everything else, she's going to make this happen, too.
It's too early to go out yet, and also it's Monday so there won't be too many people. I think. I hope. But after all this is Vegas. There are endless possibilities for partying and having fun. We're not the only girls (or guys) who don't have to work tomorrow. I swallow thickly.
I grab the clothes Laura chose for me, take her hand, walk her to the door and tell her to get the hell outta here and to be back here on time, then on my way I stop by in the kitchen where I have some of my extra money, walk in the bedroom, take a hairbrush and go in the shower.
My first time partying in some good three years. And a reminder of my old life, the life I once, long time ago, used to live. It was almost as happy as the life I live now. It was exciting to be that young. Everything just felt more exciting and wonderful that it really is.
I close the bathroom door behind me and stare at the mirror. I am no longer that Nadine. I look different. (mainly because I'm older), but in the inside, I have changed too. Pretty much every littlest detail of my life has changed. But some of those things, like the pain and violence, those things have followed me around ever since I was born. But something inside of me has changed, too. I've grown up and started a different life, without all this partying and alcohol. But I think that once in a while is not so bad. Just once in a while.
I take a hairbrush and brush my messy hair, staring at the shadows under my eyes, wondering why in the hell a guy like Zak Bagans even fell in love with a girl like me.
There we are, once again, in a place where I though I'd never ever be again. And, with a person I had never expected to meet in a train back to Vegas after an awful investigation. But, here I am with Laura in one of our old favourite clubs.
It's kinda nostalgic. I have never been able to use the "when we were young"- thing, but now I am able to use it all the time. Like, when we were young we came here every Saturday. I grin at the thought and sit down. This table used to be where we sat down, me, Laura, James and Brad. I always sat on the chair on the edge of the table. James bought us too many drinks and Brad told dumb jokes. Me and Laura, we got drunk too easily and giggled uncontrollably. Yeah. That's what it was like when I was 21.
Now there are just the two of us, me and Laura. And we are not even looking for any guys this time. We did that, too. I mean who hasn't been staring at hot guys in a club.. But this time I would just feel guilty because honestly Zak is too good for me, and I just can't do anything he wouldn't like or.. Even though he doesn't need to know about this night. I made it pretty clear that I don't drink alcohol.. He did complain about the fact that he can't take me out in his favourite club, but..
"What could I get you?" A young girl waitress asks. Laura grins and orders us some pretty fucking strong drinks before I even get to argue. She just giggles. "It's just this one night N, just one night! Where's that party girl I used to know?" I roll my eyes and sigh. I wish I knew L, I wish I knew.. She had to step back and give room for a reasonable adult Nadine who learned how to deal with her own shit.
I then just end up shrugging and tapping the table with my fingers. I feel.. I feel slightly uncomfortable. Nadine, are you now thinking that you are too old for this? Maybe. But that should be impossible, because I am only 26, not 76 or something. Zak goes out and on clubs even though he's 35.
The music just seems to be a bit too louder than what I am used to, and it slightly hurts my ears. The mixture of different smells and scents is making the atmosphere a bit heavy. I can clearly smell sweat of dancing people, alcohol, smoke, cologne and fresh air.. I silently notice that a familiar scent is missing, a scent I was so used to during the past weeks. The scent of Zak, my Zak.. I sigh and try not to think about him because it just makes me miss him even more (if that is even possible).
I take a sip of the bright red drink that has glowing ice cubes and a small parasol on it. It tastes like strawberry, sugar and alcohol. It's a bit too sweet for me, really. I haven't had any alcohol in a long time, so it kicks in immediately. My head feels a bit heavy, hell, maybe I even feel slightly light-headed. But those feelings are soon replaced with the feeling of lightness and happiness. And that's when I know that I am getting drunk, already.
It's really true that if you quit drinking, after some years if you take even a bottle of beer, you'll surely feel strange as hell. Well, that's how I feel right now, even though I've had something stronger than a beer.
The song changes. My ears register the sound of a familiar song. I start to feel a bit more relaxed so I take another sip of my sweet drink. I can feel a burning sensation in my throat and my mind feels light. It's hard to think, almost. My mind is getting a little blurry and it takes me some time to register when Laura grabs my hand, tells me to stand up and starts to walk towards the disco floor. Oh God.
Hell, I had already forgotten how it feels.. To wear too high heels, tight jeans, small shirt and too much make up. And of course, the feeling you get when you drink. The lightness. Which is then in the morning followed by a hell of a hangover. But that's not what you think when you go out and party. That's when you have fun. In the morning there will be plenty of time to regret.
We just start to dance, pretty casually. There's not much room, even though like I already mentioned, it's Monday. Obviously some other people, too, have a day off tomorrow. I look around in the dark room.
There are many people, dancing, sitting on the couches and chairs around the tables, leaning on the walls or just hanging out around the DJ area. The music is good, and reminds me a bit of those evenings we secretly spent in here. Hell, it reminds me of how I met James in here. Shut up mind. This is how I get when I drink. All memories just find their ways in my head and there's no other option than to suffer. I shake my head. Right now I am partying. Besides, it's girls night out. If there's no Zak, then definitely there's no James or any other guy from the past.
Two pretty young guys are dancing close to us. I can almost feel the heat radiating from their exhausted bodies. They seem to be a bit more drunk than I'm, and they are dancing pretty.. wildly.
One of them dances closer to us, and steps in between me and Laura. I give him an annoyed glare, and it should be obvious that I don't want him anywhere near us. He just keeps dancing and smirking like an idiot.
He has short, brown hair, and grey eyes. He's wearing blue jeans and a pretty casual white shirt. He is definitely not my type of a guy, and Laura's taken too. "Hey", he suddenly says. I just nod and try to get rid of him as fast as possible. I turn my back at him and dance another way. But, he's obviously clingy and it annoys me even more. He follows me and repeats his 'hey'.
I sigh. "Hi". He smirks and puts his hands in his pockets. Then he steps closer and I take a small step back. "I'm sorry..", he mumbles and then just flashes me a bright smile. "I am Jack", he says and offers me his hand. Who cares what his name is? All I can think about is that he annoys me and is being too clingy. I just barely even touch his hand and whisper "Nadine".
"Nadine? That's a pretty name", he says and smiles. Agh, why can't guys see when someone is taken? Even though.. I AM with only a friend in a club that is full of young people, so.. I stare at the floor, not really wanting to react.
"So.." he starts and I look at his face. It's awkward as hell. Even worse than the night in Zak's hotel room, which I would say was the most awkward experience of my life so far. The DJ decides to change the style and I soon hear a very touching slow dance song. I curse inside my head when that 'Jack' reaches out his hand, expecting me to take it. I just sigh and place my hand on his.. I mean, it's only one dance. It doesn't harm anybody.
But that's not good enough for Jack. He grabs my hands tightly and pulls me closer to himself. I feel very uncomfortable but decide not to say anything. I let him place his hands on my back. It's only one dance Nadine, calm down. This guy must be younger than you are. So he's so not trying anything. He just needed someone to dance with. . I hope.
At the end of the song he pulls me closer and just stares at my eyes. He slides his hands too much south and that's when I've had enough. I just whisper him "I'm taken", and he suddenly lets go of me. I head outside the club. Enough of the partying and awkward situation. I pull out my phone and text Laura, telling her that I will wait for her outside, because.. Well, just because I need some fresh air to clear my thoughts. And maybe I did want to escape a very awkward situation.
I lean on the wall, waiting for Laura to notice that I left the club. It might take her some time, because it's pretty noisy in the club and she doesn't take a look at her phone as often as I usually do. But she'll notice, eventually.
The fresh air feels so amazing, and it helps me to clear out my head. And there is this one feeling that is stronger than the others. It's pain. I miss Zak. I miss the heat of his body, his lips against mine, his hands on my body, the look in his eyes when he kisses me and-.. I am distracted by the sound of music and a car nearby.
A pretty old car full of young men drives like one meter away from me. The driver pulls the car over and waves at me. I just look away. Oh my God, how many times this has to happen today? "Hey, cutie.. Wanna come with us?" He asks and blinks. A few of his friends burst out laughing. "No thanks", I mumble loudly and lean closer to the wall. "Aww. It would be the best night of you life, I can guarantee!" He shouts and a few of his friends do so too. I just shake my head a 'no' and pull out my phone to see if Laura has texted me. But, I have no new messages.
"C'mon, have some fun", he tries again. Really? Does he really think that I would jump in a car full of drunk strangers, then have sex with them and feel happy in the morning? Men.. I sigh and pocket my phone. And that's when I notice that he still hasn't left.
"I'm gonna wait here until you will just say yes", he says and I hear them turn off the music. "Then you will have to wait forever", I mutter and decide to leave, because the atmosphere has become very very uncomfortable. I take a step on the other way, when I hear the shout: "Hey, where do you think you're going?" I don't turn back to look at them. I keep walking, fast. "Hey, come back here!" I hear their voices but I keep walking. I hear the beat of my heart hard against my chest. It's very hard to walk fast with these damn high heels and these fucking tight jeans. I curse my clothes and Laura and also the alcohol that's affecting my balance and keep walking.
I reach a familiar small road, leading to my home. And that's when I notice a too familiar car that has stopped two roads ahead of me. The driver seems to smirk and looks pretty pleased. A nice trap. But a smart girl knows how to make a U-turn. I turn to walk back to the club, because I really DON'T want to end up in the same car with those guys.
And that's when I notice another car, blocking my way back to the club. My heart starts to race fast and my legs start to burn. Oh fuck fuck fuck fuck! I'm trapped. I feel the phone vibrate in my pocket, but I don't have the time to take a look at it now. Right now I am trying to focus on getting back to the club or my home, alive.