You Can't Shake the Noise From Their Bones

JASEY'S POV:

This was the one year I couldn't wait to go home. I missed my brother. I needed someone to talk to, but I couldn't talk to Shane and I sure as hell couldn't talk to my parents. The only one I stood a chance with was Noah, and I couldn't even tell him everything. I didn't want to be a negative influence on him, he didn't need that. He was too young. There was always Tara...but how much shit had I already dumped on her? She didn't need it either. Dammit. There was literally nobody I could talk to.

The four hour drive back to Baltimore was gruelling and seemed to take forever, but once we were back it seemed as though all that had passed had been in the blink of an eye. Before I knew it the doors were opening and I was released. I didn't wait for Shane, I headed straight for our front door, allowing my parents the honour of unpacking the tents. Shane didn't stick around. I think he wanted to, but somehow knew I wasn't really that comfortable with him right now.

'Don't get too comfy, you need to start thinking about what you're taking on tour,' my mom told me when she came through with sleeping bags and saw me splayed out on the couch, remote in hand.

'Mom, we aren't leaving for another few weeks yet.'

'I know, but if you make a list now then it's just a case of throwing stuff in a bag when the time comes.'

'And what if I lose the list?'

'Don't.'

At that point my dad came in carrying a tent. 'Erin, give the kid some space. She doesn't need to think about packing yet. You're just a control freak.'

My mom mock slapped him. 'Don't you be a bad influence on her, just because you leave it til a couple hours before doesn't mean she has to. It's only a few weeks away, it's not too early to start thinking about what she'll need to take.'

'Shush. You're just panicking because this is her first time away from home. She'll be fine, she'll be with me.'

'Yeah, you and your beer guzzling friends.'

'Hey now, don't take that tone, you know you love them, they're your friends too.'

'Yeah I love them but that doesn't mean I don't know what they're like, I've been on tour with you, remember? You guys are just-'

'Give us a break, that was when we were young, naive and madly in love.'

My mom slapped dads arm while giggling. 'Oh right, that's your excuse, then I came along and ruined your fun.'

Dad caught Moms hand and pulled her close to him. 'Yeah you got it, and don't forget it either.' And then I knew what would happen, like a cheesy movie. And just as Mom leaned toward Dad for the kiss I stood up and cleared my throat, causing them to slightly step apart.

'Right well that's me off to bed then,' I said, a little too loudly for emphasis and walked through them and up the stairs.

ERIN'S POV:

Alex and I looked at each other after Jasey had practically ran up the stairs.

Alex held his hand up. 'I gotta put the tents away.'

I rolled my eyes. 'Oh come on Alex, I can do that.'

'No you can't, you're a woman.'

'Jesus, Alex, she's your daughter, it's like seven, she never goes to bed this early. You need to talk to her.'

Alex pouted a little. 'Oh but Erin! She's a teenager! And she's a girl!'

'Man up,' I said, shrugging at Alex's wining. 'You're her father. She needs you.'

'But what if it's a girl thing?'

I rolled my eyes once more. 'In that case you just shout and I'll come save you, deal?'

'Deal,' he grumbled, handed me the bagged up tent and set off up the stairs. I chuckled a little. You'd have thought he was going to his death. That girl really did adore him though. I knew he'd be the only one who could get through to her. Although I think he was a little in denial, we'd both caught a glimpse of a faded red line when she had forgotten to roll her sleeves down or hasn't been wearing a hoodie, but we never said anything. We didn't even talk to each other about it. To be honest I didn't want to know my daughter felt so awful about herself that she felt she had to do that. I shuddered at my own memories of blades against my skin.

ALEX'S POV:

Alright, this was it Alex, time to be a man. Come on. Your daughter is in there. You can do this. Suck it up.

Damn sometimes I hated having a teenage daughter.

Girls.

If you said one thing wrong, that was it, balls mixed with smoothies and dick served to the dog for dinner. The only thing that gave me some sense of security was that Erin needed me to keep my fixtures. Yeah we may be getting on but that doesn't mean we can't get IT on.

After a few deep breaths I knocked on Jasey's door and waited for her answer. 'Who is it?' she asked. She sounded like she'd been crying but was trying to cover it up. Oh man.

'Batman. And I'm on a very tight vigilante schedule.'

'Well I don't want to keep you from your crime fighting, you'd better come in.'

I tentatively pushed the door open and peaked my head around. Jasey was sat cross legged on the floor, leaning against her bed, staring up at the ceiling with red eyes. Slowly, I came into the room and pushed the door shut behind me. 'Hey,' I said, awkwardly.

'Hey.'

I bit my lip before deciding to come and sit down next to her on the bedroom floor. I put my arm around my daughter, who suddenly seemed much smaller and much more fragile than normal. I don't think I'd ever seen her like this. Genuinely, she was always smiling. Sure, she'd cried in temper tantrums, but she had never been so...unwilling to show her emotions before. So vulnerable.

'So, what's up spud?' Yeah okay my banter sucked, but I literally had no clue of what to do right now.

'They're moving, aren't they?'

I looked down into Jasey's green eyes. So desperate for anything but the truth, but I couldn't lie. 'Yeah.' My best friend, my band mate, Jack. He and his family were moving to L.A. They'd lived there briefly before, but then they'd returned for a good few years. Now they wanted to move back, Allie had a few acting jobs lined up over there. But Jasey wasn't asking about Jack or Allie or Nate. She was asking about Shane.

Jasey nodded but didn't say anything. I almost felt the last bit of life leave her and saw the numbness take over. It was as if she'd just become a lifeless bag of bones right in front of me. And god, I wished I could help her.

'How'd you hear?' I asked her.

'I heard you and Uncle Jack talking.'

I nodded. 'Then you know it won't be forever. You'll see them often enough at holidays and on tours and in the summer. And you can call and Skype and text and whatever else. They'll be back before you know it. You'll barely have time to miss them.'

'But it won't be the same.' In her quiet voice I heard her heart breaking and I suddenly wished I had some sort of magical glue that would fix her, but life wasn't that easy.

'I know, but it won't be as bad as you think, nothing is ever as bad as you think. Is this why you've been so weird lately?'

She nodded as I stroked her hair. Then she rolled up her left sleeve and I saw the full extent of what she had done. I took her arm in my free hand and gently stroked it. They were old scars.

'Are there more?' I asked after a moment if silence.

Jasey nodded, avoiding my eyes.

'Okay,' I said. 'Okay. It's okay.'

Then she started to cry, quietly at first, but then the tears came thicker and faster and moans of despair came from her mouth and all I could do was hold my little girl in my arms as her heart bled and her world collapsed.

ERIN'S POV:

It was much later that night that Alex finally came down the stairs. He silently sat down on the couch next to me, joining me in pretending to e engrossed in some documentary that was on about the Bremuda Triangle. Yeah tv past 10pm is shit.

'How is she?' I asked.

Alex was silent for a moment, and leaned forwards, resting his head in his hands, elbows supported by his knees. 'She just stopped crying. Three hours. She was crying for three hours. Oh god, how the hell did we let it come to this?'

I paused, taking in his words. I saw his back start to shake and realised he had started to cry instead. I slid down from my seat and sat in front of him, trying to hold his hands, forcing him to take them away from
his face. 'Alex, Alex come on. Stop, Alex, let go, let me see you. Please, Alex.' When Alex finally gave in and looked at me, his eyes were sore but dry. He had definitely been crying. 'What happened?'

He seemed to need a while to gather his thoughts and order them into a coherent structure. 'She...she, uh, she found out about Jack and Allie moving. Oh god, Erin, she's gonna miss Shane so much. She can't take it.'

I nodded. 'What else. There's more to it, isn't there?' Alex nodded and I waited patiently for his reply.

'She hurt herself. All those times we left her alone, all those times she disappeared to her room and came back down with a smile on her face, like she was trying too hard...oh god, I should have known. How could I not have known?'

'I think we both knew, we just didn't want to admit it. We love her too much.'

'It was so bad, Erin, I don't even...I mean...how could she do that too herself?'

Alex tried to bury his head in his hands again as he started to cry. I leaned closer to him and brushed the hair out of his eyes, stroking his head and kissing the top of it. 'The same way we could. She was desperate. She didn't know what else she could do. She didn't feel like she was good enough to get help.'

'I hate knowing she felt like that. I just wish there was some way we could have stopped her before it got too far...'

'There was nothing we could have done-'

'We're her parents!' Alex yelled suddenly, making me jump. 'We could have done so much more! We should have known! I should have known! I should have known...I should have known. How could I not have known?'

Tears sprung to my own eyes as I watched Alex break down.

'Alex...'

My husband sobbed a few more times before calming himself and drawing the breath to speak. 'That's not the worst part. I mean, cutting herself is bad enough, cutting herself all over her body is unbearable, but knowing that she cut herself so her scars read "Alone"...how the hell am I supposed to live with that? How could we let her feel like that? She shouldn't have had any reason to feel alone. We could have done so much more.'

It took all my strength not to break down and scream and cry an destroy everything in my path, but Alex needed me right now. And more importantly, Jasey needed me.

'Should we call Jack? Get Shane to come around?'

Alex shook his head. 'No. Shane needs to talk to her of his own accord. And I think Jasey needs to sit this one out, just for tonight. We should talk to her tomorrow though.'

'You have a signing in Philadelphia tomorrow, you're staying overnight.'

'Well...you'll have to talk to her then. God Erin, she needs someone to help her feel...well just to fucking feel. I won't see her like that again. I just won't. I can't.'

'I know.'

Alex looked straight at me, lips trembling, eyes watering. 'She's my daughter, Erin. I can't see my daughter like that. I can't lose her.'

'I know,' I repeated, stroking his cheek.

'She's my little girl, Erin.' Alex started to cry again, eyes scrunched closed and I took him in my arms and held him as tight as I could, stroking his hair while my own tears soaked it.

'I know.'