What If We Don't See Each Other Again?

I don’t know what was I thinking, but it was late now. My knuckles were bleeding and my mirror was in thousand pieces on my wooden floor. The maintaining pieces that somehow still hung inside the frames reflected my makeup tear smudge face. I dropped on my knees on the chattered glass and even though it hurt, I stayed like that until my brother stormed to my room.

He stood in shock when he saw me. His left hand flew to cover his mouth and the left one was still firmly around the doorknob. He didn’t say anything, just stared until I started to sob how sorry I was.

He shook his head. ‘You, my love are a Bruce; you don’t have to say that you’re sorry.’ He gave me a warm smile and kneeled next to me, wrapping his arms around my petit, lanky body and pulled me into his lap, hugging me like it was the last day.

‘You are coming on tour with us.’ Ben pecked my forehead. I shook my head and buried my head into his wild curls hanging on his shoulders. ‘Yes, you are. I want to make sure you are okay, and I can’t do that if you are staying here, alone, for the next five months.’ I heard how he bit his lip rings, which he did when he was nervous or frustrated. At the moment I think he was both.

I had ever met anyone from the band, except Daniel and that was by accident when he was spending night at our place when they were just teens, when I were just a simple, happy ten years old girl. He didn’t saw me, but I saw him. I always managed to hide from the boys, I always tried and I bet they don’t even know Ben having a little sister, which was okay with me.

Suddenly Ben’s arms disappeared and he was standing. ‘We are leaving tonight.’ Ben said and started to pick the bigger pieces of glass from the floor. I knew they were leaving tonight, well we were, but it still was kind of shock to have so little time to get ready for the next five months.

I helped Ben to clean my mess and after that I took a shower. The hot water burned hit the cuts on the knuckles and old scars around my body, making me flinch, but I got used to it quickly. Since I had already took a shower few hours ago, after I woke up, I didn’t feel the need to waist any soap. Few minutes passed and I heard Ben calling me from downstairs.

I jumped out of the shower turning it off and grabbing a big fluffy white towel from the rack and wrapping it around my body. Tightly holding the towel around me I exited my bathroom and walked straight out of my room, down the spiral stares. Ben was leaning against the white island in the middle of the same color kitchen. Behind him was a plate with a small portion of vegetarian lasagna and salad with a glass of vitamin juice and my daily vitamins, antidepressants and anorexia recovery medication.

I walked past Ben and sat on the bar stool. Ben took his hoodie and placed it over my shoulders because the lack of clothing. I mumbled thanks and started to take my pills. ’I’m going to watch telly till you are ready and then I’ll help you pack, okay?’ I nodded and swallowed the last pill.

I was halfway through my meal and done with it, when Ben loudly sighs, informing he was bored and done watching telly. He turned it off and walked over, taking my plate, not even asking was I done. He didn’t even sit down when he ate the rest of the lasagna. This was kind of tradition for us. Ben put my dinner or any meal ready on the table and went to watch telly for a while and after about fifteen minutes he turns it off. Then he eats the rest of my food, which I can’t manage to eat. He never takes his own plate or own food, he just waits till I’ve have had enough and then it’s his time to eat.

‘Delia.’ Ben waved his hand in front of my eyes. ‘Sorry, I spaced out.’ I sighed and jumped off from the stool. We went straight to my room and started packing. Mostly Ben just packed for me and I made myself look presentable. For now and the Ben asked if I needed something specific with me, but that was all I had to say about the things I was taking with me.

I tied my Bruce genetic long brown waves into a messy bun, letting few strokes of hair hang loosely from here and there. I covered my Californian tan face with a slightly lighter foundation and gave thick wings for my eyes. I put on the clothes Ben had put on my bed for me to wear. Some may find it creepy that he chose my underwear for me, but in Bruce household that was just big brother taking care of his little sister.

I ended up with black lingerie, ripped black skinnies, Mötley Crüe top that wasn’t mine and gray cardigan. The warm weather was one of the bad sides of living in California, of course not a bad thing all the time just when it was too hot to go out, but still I had to put the cardigan on.

I was pretty much done when Ben finished packing my suitcase. We had probably an hour before the buss would pick us up and start to drive to our first stop in San Diego. I was currently leaning on the living room balcony’s railing, smoking a cigarette. I tried to get Ben drop the idea of taking me with him, but knowing him, nothing would make him change his mind and nothing did.

‘You have foundation on that thing.’ Ben smirked and poked my septum piercing. His sudden appearance made me jump and drop my cigarette down to the ally. I sighed and quickly went through the jewelry hanging from my nose, cleaning it before lighting another cigarette. Ben flashed me a smile ant light a cigarette for himself.

Thought of the tour ran through my head, like a scary movie. I hated the idea of spending five months with guys I barely knew. Maybe I was overreacting, maybe I would have fun or maybe not.

‘Bus is here.’ Ben said checking his phone and put it back to his jeans pocket. ‘I don’t want to go.’ I whispered. Ben took my hand and started to rub circles on my palm. ‘You’ll be okay, now c’mon they are going to leave without us if we wait any longer.’ Ben weakly laughed. Suddenly my eyes lit from the idea of missing the bus, but I knew Ben wouldn’t let us.

Sighing I extinguished my fourth cigarette and made my way inside, locking the balcony door. I took my Vans from the shoe rack and put the black shoes on.

I locked the front door and watched as Ben pulled our suitcases to the lift. I froze and didn’t want to move. I stood in front of the lift doors, staring at Ben who was tapping his feet against the floor, waiting me to get in. ‘Dalia Irene Bruce, get into the lift.’ Ben sighed rubbing his temple and biting his lip rings. I took few steps and the lift doors closed. I pushed the lobby button and we started to move.

The small lift seemed to move faster than it has ever moved. And as the lift stopped I felt all the happiness been sucked out of me, like I would be attacked by dementor. Ben handed me my suitcase and I pulled it behind me, through the lobby. Ben quickly dropped our keys to the ‘Vacation’ box they had installed into the lobby mostly because Ben. The keys stayed in a safe the whole five months and when we come back the buildings door man would give us our keys back. This was a brilliant system for Ben not to lose his keys on tour.

Suitcase handle on my other hand and cigarette on the other, I made my way to bus following Ben. ‘Cam, you wanker, take our stuff in while we finish these.’ Ben said to the tall man waiving his cigarette. ‘Our?’ He asked confused and Ben pointed to me. He nodded and made his way over me, to take my suitcase. ‘Hello.’ He smiled at me and soon he was gone, into the depths of the bus with our belongings.

‘See, they aren’t so bad.’ Ben smirked and offered me his hand. I put my tiny hand on his big one and laced our fingers. ‘I only met one, there are three more.’ I whispered. We threw our cigarettes to the gutter and walked into the bus.

‘Benny, is that you.’ I heard to be yelled making Ben laugh. ‘Oh Daniel, the love of my life.’ He shook his head, smiling like an idiot. Soon the earlier empty front area was packed with guys. ‘Who is this lovely bird?’ The shortest of the guys asked. I was trying to hide behind Ben, but he stepped aside and smiled. ‘Boys, this is my lovely little sister, Dalia Irene Bruce. She just turned eighteen but that doesn’t mean that any of you can touch her, and if you do I swear to god.’ I interrupted Ben by saying hello and gave the guys a small and hopefully sweet smile.

I felt their eyes on my body, not like checking me out, but they were staring at my rib cage bones, my almost non-existent waist, even my ‘chicken’ legs. One of the men noticed my uncomfortable expression. He gave me a small smile. ‘How come we have never heard of you little one?’ By my knowledge the one who asked that was called James. ‘I didn’t want to be known.’ I nervously laughed. ‘Anyway.’ Ben dropped my hand from his. ‘Guys where are your manners.’ Ben faked a shocked tone and face.

‘Danny Worsnop, the singer.’ The just a bit chubby guy with a three day beard introduced him. He had changed, a lot from what I remembered him, but then again, the last and only time I had seen him was when he was just fifteen, which means eight years ago I guess. ‘I’m James Cassells and I play the drums.’ The way Jams said the drums made me almost laugh, like he would have said ‘drooms’. ‘Sam Bettley, bass.’ The shortest guy waved and smiled. He seemed really nice, but then I could be horribly wrong about him. ‘Cameron Liddell, the one who covers your brothers oops on the stage.’ The tallest smirked. ‘What Cam means is that he is the second best guitarist in the band.’ Ben said with a huge grin on his face and sat on the couch, pulling me into his lap.

Six hours later; San Diego, Chula Vista CA. 20.4.2013.

All the guys were sleeping, but I couldn’t. I was nervous and a bit exited when I heard who they were touring with, not because I would be fan of them, of course I was, but I had other reasons to be excited.

It was around four in the morning and I didn’t feel like sleeping at all. The bus driver had just parked the bus behind the Sleep Train Amphitheatre. We were first ones to arrive, which the driver told me was the first time ever. I didn’t catch the driver’s name, but everyone called him ‘Daddy’, so I decided to go with that. He was nice and we spent almost the whole six hours talking about the members, what I should know about them on tour and for exchange I told stories about Ben, and how he wasn’t really just this cocky wanker, I told him that he was nothing like that when we were home.

‘I really am thankful that I finally have someone to talk normally when I don’t feel like fooling around.’ The older man with beautiful blue eyes patted my shoulder and went to bed, after handing me the bus keys. He told me that I could go out if I wanted to, but I had to lock the door if I did go out.

I sat alone till the morning. I had already dressed up. I was afraid that Ben had only packed some ‘rock chick’ clothes for me, but for my surprise he also packed something I normally wear. I sat on the front lounge’s table cross-legged when the other bands arrived. It was around half seven in the morning when I went out, wearing short, high-waist floral shorts, a gray V-neck tucked into the shorts, Ray Bans on my nose, hair on a bun and tom’s on my feet. I light a cigarette before I moved two feet’s further from our bus.

‘Haven’t I told you to stop smoking?’ A familiar voice laughed. I turned my head to his direction and saw a ginger that stood about 5.9 feet tall, which was also my height, lighting a cigarette. I let out a quiet squeak and ran to his arms. ‘Alan.’ I cried and hugged him. Alan was my friend before he joined Of Mice & Men. He was like my ginger brother, my best friend.

I pulled out of the hug and threw a punch on his arm. ‘What the fuck Dalia?’ He whined, rubbing the spot. ‘I haven’t seen you in over two years you cunt. Last time when I saw you was the day that Ben dropped me to the anorexia center.’ I sighed and took a drag from my cigarette, feeling the nicotine flow into my body. ‘I’m sorry.’ He gave me the puppy eyes he knew I couldn’t resist. I ruffled his hair and smiled. ‘You look better and more grown.’ Alan said and took a last drag from his cigarette, before he extinguished it to the empty monster can in his hands. I did the same.

‘Yo Alan, who’s your friend?’ A tall, tattooed guy that I recognized as Austin Carlile, the singer, asked, walking towards us from the Of Mice & Men bus. ‘This is my best lady friend, Dalia Irene Bruce.’ Alan wrapped his arm around my shoulder. ‘Nice to meet you Dalia. Wait, Bruce?’ He looked shocked. ‘The younger, girl version, yes.’ I giggled. ‘You don’t really look like him apart from the hair, eyes and the nose.’ Austin smiled. ‘So I look just like him then?’

Alan introduced me to his whole band, and everyone was shocked when they heard my surname. I didn’t stay with them too long, just about ten minutes before I remembered why I was coming out. ‘Hey, I need to go to the store and buy food, we don’t have any and I have to feed my guys-I took a deep breath and smiled to Alan- and myself.’ Smiled spread on Alan’s face. I said goodbyes to the guys and left.

I went to the corner store, really close to the avenue. I walked through isles, looking for different foods that the guys might like. I managed to spend almost hundred dollars into food. Maybe if I hadn’t bought so much ice-cream.

Clock was almost half nine when I headed out of the store, back to the bus. I had just walked past the Of Mice & Men bus when I heard talking. ‘Hey groupie, you that are carrying bags.’ A thick British accent shouted. I stopped on my tracks and looked at the tattooed guy yelling me. ‘I’m not a groupie knob head.’ I shouted back and made my way to our bus, not wanting to hear what the guys had to say.

I dig the bus door key from my bra and opened the door, climbing in. For my surprise James was already up and sitting on the kitchen counter just in his basketball shorts without shirt. For a few seconds I admired his chest piece. ‘Dalia, where were you?’ He asked worry pouring out of his voice. I lifted the bag up, making him smile. ‘Food.’ He said smiling and I nodded.

‘How come you’re already up. ‘Daddy’ said you guys never get up before it’s almost noon?’ I asked James as I put the groceries on the table. ‘I woke up someone yelling groupie.’ He smirked. I shook my head and took the sun glasses off, hanging them on my shirt. I guess this tour is going to be much better that in thought it would be.

James started to make coffee as I started to fry eggs and bacon for the guys. ‘Could you be a sweetheart and go to my suitcase, there is a pink hello kitty bag, would you mind bringing it to me?’ I asked him and he nodded, not asking any questions. I started to fry vegetarian bacon and while they were cooking I made sandwiches. James was back in minute, holding my little bag. I handed him an empty plate and he pouted. ‘Gee, thanks.’ I shook my head. ‘Take one of each and put them on the plate.’ I said referring to the meds inside the back.

James sat beside the table and opened the back as I started to put the breakfast on the plates. I gave James a plate full of eggs and bacon and a cup of coffee, as he was reading the prescription on the side of the antidepressants bottle. Then he moved to the anorexia medication bottle. His jaw dropped and he looked at me. ‘You are.’ I didn’t let him finish his sentence. ‘Yes.’ I nodded. James looked sad as he put the pills I needed on the plate with my daily vitamins. ‘Well I kind of guessed when I saw you enter the bus.’ He sadly smiled.

‘Do I smell food?’ Ben walked out of the bunk area, rubbing his eyes. He noticed James holding my pills. ‘Let’s keep this just between us, all right?’ Ben asked, taking the pill plate from James and putting vegetarian bacon and sandwiches on it. ‘Sure, don’t want to worry others?’ I nodded.

‘Why would we be worried?’ Cameron yawned and sat on the table. James quickly hid the pill bottles into the bag and gave it to Ben, who placed it to the kitchen cabinet. ‘She went out alone.’ James replied. ‘She’s a big girl, I’m sure she’s fine.’ Sam said, entering the front lounge with Danny and ‘Daddy’ behind him. I handed everyone their plates. It seemed like these guys really enjoyed being naked due the fact, none of them was wearing a shirt, well ‘Daddy’ did but the twats, they call Asking Alexandria didn’t.

Ben took a vitamin juice from the fridge and sat on the table with my plate. I sat next to him and took my pills. ‘She takes lots of vitamins.’ Ben said to Danny, who was staring at me. Danny nodded and started to eat his meal. ‘Aren’t you eating?’ Sam asked from Ben, who had no food in front of him. He nodded and replied, ‘In a minute.’ I put the last piece of bacon into my mouth that I managed to eat, and then pushed the plate in front of my big brother. I took a gulp from the vitamin juice before handing that to Ben too. Guys were staring at us weirdly. ‘This is our thing.’ I muttered and went for a smoke. ‘Danny doe’s the dishes.’ I yelled and got a groan of protest as an answer before I walked out of the door.

‘If you’re not a groupie then what are you?’ The same tattooed guy from earlier asked me, scaring the living shit out of me, somehow I managed not to drop my cigarette. ‘Dalia Irene Bruce.’ I offered him my free hand to shake. His jaw dropped but he grabbed my hand. ‘Oliver Scott Sykes.’ I knew he looked familiar. ‘Yeah, I know.’ I smiled. For my surprise he didn’t ask me anything about being a Bruce. He just stood there and watched as I smoked. It started to get a bit annoying, but for my savior Ben walked out of the bus, still only in his boxers.

‘Hello Sykes, you met my sister?’ He said and light a cigarette. Oliver nodded and then gave a smirk to my brother. ‘Nice boxers.’ he laughed and turned back to his bus. ‘I’ll wear anything you have designed.’ Ben yelled after Oliver with a flirtatious voice making Oliver laugh. ‘It was nice to see you Bruce, it’ been a long time.’ He waved, not bothering to look at us. Ben was wearing Drop Dead boxers, which explained their little chat.

San Diego, Chula Vista CA. 20.4.2013, 20.30. Backstage.

I watched how Austin jumped to the crowd, still singing. Alan was jumping on stage, playing the last chords of the song called Second & Sebring. Tino on drums, beating them like there were no tomorrow. Phil stood on his place, playing the same chords as Alan and Aaron sang backups and played his bass like a pro.

Asking Alexandria’s techs ran all around the backstage, making sure everything was perfect before the guys went to the stage. ‘They are amazing.’ I heard someone say from behind my back. I didn’t bother to turn around and see who was talking to me. ‘They are.’ I smiled and watched the guys walk of the stage. Alan high-fifed me and went with his band. The guy, who earlier stood behind me, was now standing next to me. ‘Oliver told me you are Ben’s little sister, right? A three inches shorter guy with long brown hair asked. ‘Dalia Irene Bruce.’ I shook his hand. ‘Lee Malia, lead guitarist for Bring Me the Horizon.’ He smiled.

‘Good luck kiss?’ Danny begged. I didn’t really want to kiss them but I just sighed and gave him a peck on the lips and ended doing that with everyone but Ben who just hugged me tightly. ‘Now that I noticed, you two don’t really look like each other’s.’ Lee laughed. ‘I guess.’ I smiled. I ended up watching the Asking Alexandria set with Lee, until he had to go and get ready for their set.

Boys were playing The Final Episode as encore.

‘You need a doctor baby, you need a doctor baby, you scared?’ Danny screamed into the microphone and said goodbye to the audience before walking off the stage with the band. They tried to hug me, but I told them to fuck off, I didn’t want to smell all sweaty. ‘I’m going to watch the next set, and then coming back to the bus, okay?’ I asked Ben who just nodded and left with the guys.

‘Can I get a good luck kiss?’ Lee laughed. He had his guitar hanging on his shoulder. I smiled and gave him a peck on the lips. ‘Feeling extra lucky tonight.’ He laughed and ran to the stage following the rest of the band. I watched how Oliver screamed from the top of his lungs into the microphone, making the crowd go nuts. They were amazing performers. Lee ran around the stage with Vegan. Jordan played keys and head banged. Matt banged the drums with all his strength, not missing one beat of any song they were playing.

When they started to play song called Sleepwalking I got a text from Ben, telling me to come back, that we were taking off. I groaned from annoyance, they were playing my favorite song from the new album and I was going to miss it. Lee looked at me and I mouthed him a sorry. He looked at me smiling and mouthed it’s okay, before I left.

Halfway back I started to get weird feeling and suddenly a panic attack hit me. This wasn’t the first time this happened. My medication had lots of side effects. I fell to the hard pavement, crying and screaming. ‘Dalia?’ I heard Alan’s worried voice, I heard his footsteps turn into running and soon he was on his knees next to me, grabbing my hands and that was the last thing I remember before I blacked out.