Lost

I grabbed his hand with my free one, looking into his chocolate brown eyes. He flashed a smile at me that always sent shivers coursing through me. I was in love with this man. He kissed my hand and entwined our fingers. He mouthed a simple “I love you”, leaning over and kissing my cheek.
I stared straight ahead, smiling like a maniac. He had made me the happiest woman in the world. My Zayn. The love of my life. I didn’t notice the stop sign at the intersection. I looked over at Zayn. My Zayn. I then noticed the headlights on the side getting larger. I felt the impact, the everything went black
~~~~~~~~~
“Lillian!” Niall yelled, snapping me out of my thoughts.
I looked at him, trying to hide a tear that had slipped from my eye “What was that Nialler?”
He eyed me suspiciously “I said, do you want some tea?”
I shook my head, playing with the ring I had on my finger. My engagement ring. I was sitting in starbucks with Harry, Liam, and Niall. It had been a month since the accident, and tonight was the memorial concert for Zayn. Thousands of people were going to celebrate Zayn’s life. A life which, because of me, was far too short.
“So what are you wearing tonight” Liam asked, swallowing the rest of his tea.
“What do you mean?” I asked dryly.
He looked at me confused “To the concert Lillian”
I laughed bitterly “I’m not going”
“What?!” Everyone shouted
“Lillian, you have to go. It’s for Zayn, remember?” Harry said, shock very evident in his voice.
“Of course I remember Harry. I remember every day that he isn’t here anymore. Why the hell would I go anyway? I have enough reminders that this is my fault from Louis. I don’t need it from the fans as well” I said looking down at the gold diamond ring on my finger.
“For the last fucking time Lillian, it isn’t your fault. Louis is being a prick, and the fans don’t blame you. It was an accident caused by some asshole who got behind the wheel drunk.” Niall said.
I sighed and looked down. “It wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t missed the stop sign”
Everyone just sighed, and we finished our snack in silence. Soon we all stood up, preparing to leave. Niall gave me one of his famous hugs, squeezing me a little. I smiled lightly and pulled away, pecking his cheek briefly. Harry embraced me into a long, loving hug.
“Please change your mind about tonight.” He whispered in my ear.
I pulled away and looked at him, shaking my head. “I’m not going to.”
He sighed and half smiled, before walking with Niall to the parking lot. I grabbed my bag and followed Liam out to his car. I slid in the passenger seat, and stared out the window. An awkward silence filled the car, thick with unspoken words and emotions. I knew Liam had feelings for me. I just couldn’t return them. It felt wrong. I was engaged
We pulled up to my flat in 10 minutes, silence filling the car the whole time. I began gathering my bag, and jacket. I was about to open the door, when Liam grabbed my hand.
“Lilly wait.” He said quickly. I looked back at him, turning to face him.
He took a deep breath “I know things have been… awkward between us since the almost kiss. But please don’t be mad at me.”
“Liam, I could never be mad at you.” I said taking his hand
He smiled lightly and looked me in the eye, his chocolate brown eyes full of hope. “Please (Y/N). Please come tonight. Do it for Zayn.”
I sighed and looked down. Zayn probably thinks I’m selfish. “I-I just can’t Liam. I’m can’t”
He sighed and lifted my chin up with his finger, forcing me to look at him. He tucked the loose strands of my hair behind my ear. He leaned forward and brushed his lips lightly to mine. This time I didn’t pull back, instead leaning in to the kiss. It was soft, caring. Nothing to fast. It wasn’t rushed. It felt nice. But it still felt wrong. It was missing the passion I used to feel. The spark that was set off in me every time Zayn and I would kiss. It wasn’t the same. It wasn’t right.
I pulled away slowly, and looked at him. I felt guilty. Like I had committed an act of adultery. I looked away from him, and felt a tear slip out. I wiped it away quickly and looked at him again. He was smiling like a kid in a candy store. I hated that I had to burst his bubble.
“Liam. T-hat. That can’t happen again.” I said. His smile immediately dropped. It broke my heart.
I sighed and continued. “Liam, listen. You’re a great guy. You’re sweet, caring, loving, and very amazing. You are an incredible person, and any girl would be lucky to have you. I’m not the girl for you. I love you Liam, I really do. Just not in the way you want me to.”
He looked away from me, then back at me. His eyes still showed a hint of sadness. “I’ll give it time (y/n). You’ll love me back”
I smiled at his hopefulness. It was refreshing. I kissed his cheek lightly and stepped out of the car. I was about to close the door, but he stopped me.
“I expect to see you tonight” He said.
I rolled my eyes and shut the door. I refused to go. I wasn’t putting myself through that. I waved as he drove away and I walked up to my flat. I unlocked the door and walked in, setting my keys and bag on the table. I sighed and plopped down on the couch. I was exhausted.
I saw something out the corner of my eye, so I turned my head in the direction of it. Weird things like this had been occurring since a few weeks ago. I put off as my mind just playing tricks on me. I sighed to myself, thinking about everything. I layed on the couch, and fell asleep instantly.
I was awoken a few hours later by a furious pounding on my door. I sat up, stretching out my sore muscles. I need a more comfortable couch. I sat up and looked at the time on the stove. 7:30. An hour til the memorial. I opened my door to see none other than Louis standing there with a pissed off expression.
“It’s about god damn time you answered” He said pushing past me into my flat.
“Yes Louis, please come in.” I said sarcastically
He rolled his eyes and looked at me. “I’m here to pick you up, unfortunately. Is that what you’re wearing to the concert?”
“No. I’m not going” I said crossing my arms.
He got wide eyed “And why the fuck not?”
I sighed and rolled my eyes. “I don’t owe you a fucking explanation, Tomlinson”
He glared at me. “You know what? You’re a selfish bitch. Just because you are so miserable, you don’t even wanna celebrate your boyfriend’s life who you claim to have love so fucking much, even though YOU are the reason he is dead. I told Zayn to stay away from you. But no he was so fucking love struck, and look where he is now.”
I stood with my mouth agape. Tears began streaming down my face. That was it. I’ve had it with him.
“You know what Louis, I’m so fucking sick of you making me feel like shit. Ever since I met you, you have hated me for no good reason. I never asked about it because I thought it would get better, but all you have ever done is insult me. Especially after Zayn died, it got worse. I know it was my fault, You don’t have to keep fucking reminding me.” I screamed, tears streaming completely.
He just looked at me, so I continued. “You have no idea the pain I feel everyday, knowing that because of me he isn’t here. You have no idea what I went through when they told me he died. He died on impact.”
I began sobbing even more “My car flipped 7 times. 7 fucking times. I walked away with a mere broken arm and Zayn is dead. A shard of glass pierced his heart. You wanna know what makes all of this worse? He fucking proposed that night.”
Louis looked shocked. “I- I didn’t know that”
I cried some more “You have no idea what it feels like to lose your fiance, and your unborn child all in the same night”
He looked winded at that. “You. You were-“
“Yes I was. We wanted it to be a surprise to everyone. I killed my fiance and my baby. I didn’t do it on purpose so stop making it seem like I did.” I said, the tears flowing rapidly know. I struggled to breathe.
“Lillian.. I- I didn’t” Louis started
“Just get out.” I said
“but Lil-“
“GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY FLAT” I screamed
He jumped slightly, frightened by my tone. He put his head down and headed out the door. I slammed it shut behind him and sank down to the floor, hugging my knees to my chest. I sobbed into my knees.
“God, Zayn I’m so sorry. I didn’t mean for any of this to happen. I wish you were here right now.” I said
“I’m right here babe, and stop blaming yourself for this”
My head shot up and my heart nearly stopped at the sight in front of me.
“Zayn?”