Outsiders

The library was deserted, warm and silent. Exactly how libraries should be, I suppose, except the warmth. It may have just been because of my friend on my opposite. Well yeah, I still referred to him as a friend, since he hadn’t exactly mirrored my feelings just yet. Probably never would, but so what? I could still dream. Anyhow, we enjoyed sitting here, all alone during the lunch break. Quite a lot more interesting than sitting in the dining room or out in the grass. It was sunny outside, and god did I hate sun. I was getting used to the coldness of the early autumn, and therefore had wrapped myself up in a scarf today. Well, it wasn’t exactly my idea nor planning to go to school looking like a walking burrito, but my mom apparently had weird sense of styling. She’d always buy me hoodies with extra long sleeves and T-shirts in extra large. Felt quite unnecessary, considering the sticking heat outside, and - back on the track - the friendly familiar face on my opposite. God, he was just amazing. Reading in his maths book, but only about half as nerdy as I was! Sometimes I got this theory thought over, that he was just trying to impress me. Lucky thinking only, of course. But I could still dream! Well he was perfect anyway, in all the ways. With his supposedly shoulder-length blonde hair, an over-sized and washed-out Kiss shirt, ripped jeans and checked sneakers. My only friend, who would stick up for me whenever the popular kids came along to pick on us, whenever we felt like going to the library rather than sitting alone outside, and I was on my way of losing him because I was, well, at least I thought I was, assumed I was, perhaps, maybe, sometimes getting the feeling that I was falling for him. A bit. Discretely. Believe me, I did try to hide it. But it was probably obvious on the way I’d always follow him around and let my overly protective self out as soon as I sensed he’d get into trouble any minute, let alone the gazes I always caught myself giving him. I’d even go to every gig he got. Not to be the supportive friend in front row, more to be the compulsively obsessed fan girl who’s scream her lungs out every time he’d look back at her. In front row, of course. And if he wouldn’t willingly give me that spot then I’d fight my way through the crowd to get there. He was in a cover band for those popular rock bands I‘d never really enjoyed, playing songs such as “Detroit Rock City” and “Breaking the Law”, which I had learned the lyrics of just for him. God, I caught myself staring at him again. Even thinking about him should be illegal in this state. I needed some peace of mind. I needed a vacation. But I just couldn’t stop! John was a musician and I just had a thing for musicians. We were meant to be, except he would never want me.

The table separating us was filled with magazines, and I picked one up to distract myself, as maths didn’t seem to help enough at the moment. I couldn’t think at all. My thoughts just drifted away. But they even did with the magazine in hand. After some moments of being zoned out I realized I was holding a fashion magazine. Girls had never really interested me, but neither had fashion. I shot a quick glance towards John, noticing how he was shifting, obviously thinking about something. I cautiously put the magazine back down, pretending as I hadn’t seen. Then I waited. I wish I’d be brave enough to start a conversation one day, but today was not the day. Neither was tomorrow. Instead I buried my nose in the scarf and focused on shutting my mind up. It was easier said than done, but I managed.

"Kenneth," John said, looking up in an attempt to catch my attention but my eyes were always at him. He would call me Kenneth to mock me, because he knew I’d much rather be called Kenny. I smiled a little from underneath my scarf. Lately, I’d always get butterflies when he looked at me. ”I can tell you anything, right? And you wouldn't laugh at me for it?”

”Yeah”, I said, sound muffled against the thick, black fabric. I peeked my mouth up, speaking clearer. ”Of course. What’s up?”

My trouble senses were tingling. Sort of super hero senses, I guess, to make sure John was always alright, which he clearly didn’t seem to be at the moment. His dark eyes looked full of distress. They weren’t usually. Not at all. Quite the opposite. They were beautiful, but now they seemed to be begging to get a secret relieved. He was a very harmonious, kind of spiritual. These sort of feelings were clearly outside his… aura.

”So…” he started, eyes fixated at the floor, but he shook his head and tried again. "Well, I guess...well I know...well…” He sighed, looking into my eyes. ”I think I'm getting a crush on someone.”

My heart stopped. Not literally, but… It felt like it. Immediately. Featuring momentarily silence. I couldn’t speak. I couldn’t breathe. I just stared at John. All I heard was the blood peacefully soughing in my arteries, ticking in my ears, then boom. My heart welled over with warmth. My whole body seemed to get filled with sticking happiness. Oh my goodness, was it true? He wouldn’t be telling me this, at this exact moment when we were all alone, if it wasn’t true, right? Did he actually like me back?

"They're just so amazing, you know? So cool, and they're just so perfect, I can't even help having a crush on someone like that.”

I felt like crying. It was so overwhelming, but quite far from unbearable. Thank the lord, it was finally a confession! After all these months. After all these god-awful math sessions. But was it for me? It had to be! Should I ask? No, of course not. Maybe? Christ, I had no idea how to react! I wanted to fall onto his lap and cry my eyes out, grab his hand skip away into a sunset and make out behind a tree. Of course I wouldn’t do that, but my thoughts were racing, my heart was too. I shifted uncomfortably in the chair, clearing my throat and frowning at him.

“Oh”, I said, deadpan. “Well you should give them a try, you know. And… and tell them. See if they like you back.” I nodded, feeling like a therapist. “So, well, heh, what’s this person’s um, name?”
"Well, I think you know him..."

I felt how the heat rose through my body, reaching my face and the blush spread over my cheeks. I was getting pretty certain by now. It was a boy, and I knew him… It was me. Wasn’t it me? It had to be me. Oh Christ, let it be me.

"But I'm not too sure you like him very much."

I frowned more, leaning forward, ready to ask a question but I couldn’t get out a word. I felt rather confused than excited.

"He wears a lot of dark clothes you know, it really makes him that much more...nice."

I didn’t quite understand. That didn’t fit me much. My mother tried to be variable, buy some colourful things, but I usually ended up wearing the grey stuff. Not much black, though. And not that it looked very nice either.

"What am I even doing, expecting, for you to guess?" He smiled widely and sheepishly. "It's Tim. You know, Tim Skold?"

I couldn’t reply. I couldn’t speak at all. I could barely think anymore. My thoughts were always about John, everything was John, and suddenly I saw him being taken away from me. Being replaced by the stupidest guy in school, the dumb kid who smoked and skipped classes and carried a freaking skateboard. Those were the kind of people who would usually pick on us. I couldn’t even understand how any of this made sense. I felt my heart drop in my chest; all the warmth which had just been there seemed to seep away. It was quite hard to describe the feeling, of the happiness just leaving your body for a moment. Instead I felt something else build up inside of me. Something closer to… disappointment. Sadness. The words seemed too weak to describe this. Again, I felt like crying. But for other reasons. Less interesting reasons. And John didn’t quite seem to understand that behind my stupid scarf, everything inside me seemed to be falling apart.

"Don't laugh, I know, I know, it's stupid; what would a popular guy like that do with a weedy little guy like me?"

I quickly shook my head, trying to get myself out of the trance I had put myself in.

“No, no. I think he’s… gonna like you. Who wouldn’t like to be with you? You’re wonderful, you know. You’re super cool, you’re…” I realized my voice was breaking and I quickly stood up, cursing myself. “Excuse me, for a bit… I think I… just need a glass of water.”

I rushed away, passing bookshelf after bookshelf and before I reached the toilet door, tears were streaming down my face. I buried myself in the scarf, biting my lip to keep silent as I locked myself in, sitting down on the toilet lid and gathering my thoughts. Well, wow, that was lame.