When You Are Away From Me It's Harder to Breathe

Since Harry showed up at my doorstep unexpectedly almost a year ago, I’ve only seen him one other time. Between his tour schedule and appearances and recording, he had no time to come see me.

And honestly, I was beginning to think I was wasting my time with him. I mean, I loved him so much, don’t get me wrong, but if I never see him is it really all worth it?

He never once has asked me to come see him, even though I’d hinted that I wanted too. I had enough money saved up for a trip and more than enough time since I’d recently graduated college. But still, nothing.

Just empty promises that we’d see each other soon, and unanswered text and voicemails. I know he’s busy, I do. But it’s also obvious he’s not trying that hard to maintain this… relationship, if you can even call it that.

Basically, I was Harry Styles’ little secret.

On top of all that, I constantly had to see and hear rumors of who he was dating, and pictures of him leaving clubs with different famous faces. He always reassured me that they were just friends, or they were just sharing a cab. It didn’t matter. It didn’t matter that I trusted him, it still hurt. It hurt that he seemed to make time for these friends when I was lucky if I caught him on the phone.

“I just feel like I’m wasting my time. I mean, I’m 21, I should be having the time of my life. Dating here and there, making out with strangers,” I said to my best friend Avril after explaining everything. She and my family were the only ones that knew about Harry and I. They were the only ones I could trust. I’ve known Avril since I we were 15 and we told each other everything, so it wasn’t like I could keep this a secret. Plus, she was there that day in California when I met him. “I should be slutting it up at clubs or something!”

“You know what I think?” she said finishing her coffee. We were sitting outside a café since it was an actual nice day when I exploded on her about Harry. I hadn’t heard from him all day, I was pissed! Not one text or call answered, “I know you love Harry and I know he loves you. I’m nothing bus supportive of your relationship, but…” she faltered.

“But what? Say it.”

She sighed, “I think you need to have a serious conversation with him. Something needs to change because this obviously isn’t working for you.”

I nodded looking gown at my hands that rubbed at the condensation of my iced coffee, “I know. But it’s so hard to catch him these days. And I don’t think this is a phone conversation. I think I need to have this face to face.” I rolled my eyes, “Well Skype face to face.”

She nodded, “It’s the best you got given the circumstances.”

I sighed dramatically, “It’s like I’m in a pretend relationship! No one knows about it but you and my parents! What’s the fucking point?!”

She chuckled at my outburst, “Why don’t we do something to get your mind off it for a little bit? Why don’t we go out tonight? Oh!” She exclaimed excitedly, “A bunch of our friends from high school are in town since its summer. Why don’t we do a bonfire at the lake behind my parents’ house like old times?”

“That sounds so amazing!”

She pulled her phone out, “I’ll send out a text and see who’s down on such last minute.”

*****

I was getting ready for the bonfire and I was still irritated I hadn’t heard from Harry except for a “sorry, meets all day” text after Avril and I left the café.

Yeah, well whatever. It was like 1 in the morning his time, and he still couldn’t pick up the damn phone, so I was over it. I wasn’t going to let him ruin my night from an ocean away.

Even though it was summer, I knew enough to know that it would get chilly the later it got so I dressed accordingly. I wore tight black jeans, an old band tee and grabbed a hoodie just in case. “So we’re making a pit stop at the store for some stuff for smors,” Avril said after I hopped into the passenger seat of my car.

“Awesome. So who’s all coming?”

She shrugged, “The old group. Some are even bringing their girlfriends/boyfriends. I’m excited to see everyone.”

“Me too,” I agreed. “I’m surprised though. I haven’t through about most of these people in so long.”

“I know. Apparently Josh has a kid now.”

“I saw that on Facebook!” I gushed. Josh was pretty much everyone’s friend back in high school. I don’t think there was a single person who didn’t love him.

“Justin’s coming too,” she smirked.

“Justin as in, Justin Kane who you used to have the biggest crush on?”

She nodded, “That’s the one. Have you seen him on his Facebook though? He’s still so hot, if not hotter. And we’ve exchanged some flirty messages here and there.”

I laughed, “He’s definitely cute. Are you trying to get it in tonight?”

“I don’t know, we’ll see what happens,” she laughed

*****

Basically, last night was so much fun. I forgot about all my annoyance with Harry and just focused and catching up with old friends. We took so many pictures too, and out of spite (I admit I had an immature moment), I posted more pictures of me with the guys on instagram then I did of me and the girls. I wanted a reaction from Harry, I admit it. But it was pointless because I still hadn’t heard from him. Well, my phone was still off from shutting it off out of annoyance before I went to bed, so there’s that.

But when I turned it on, still nothing. I just scoffed at the blank screen and started getting ready for work.

Working at Borders books wasn’t the ideal job after graduating college, but it’ll do for now. And I loved the discount I got, plus Avril got me the job so I got to see her too. I was content for now, though I was ready to move out of this town. California maybe. Near the beach. There the sun was always shinning.

When I got to work I was sent to the back to unload shipment and put new stuff on the floor. I was sectioned to the toys and games which wasn’t my favorite.

Especially today.

We’d gotten new shipments of One Direction stuff in. Oh joy.

What. Are. The. Odds.

I was on the floor setting up doll after doll in order when Avril walked by helping a customer. She took one look at what I was doing and had to hold in her laugh. I wanted to kill her, honestly. I couldn’t help snarl at the Harry doll (that didn’t look anything like him really) that smiled up at me. “Jerk,” I mumbled to myself and continued to unload box after box of 1D crap.

Once I was done though, I was free to take a lunch break. The word day was going by fast today, stocking shelves usually does that though. It’s mindless work.

I headed off into the food court and bought a slice of pizza before I wondered off to sit at one of the back tables. When I checked my phone, I had 4 missed calls and a handful of text from Harry.

I see you had fun last night. Lot of lads yeah?

I miss u.

Where are you? Why aren’t you answering your phone?

Anna love call me!

Did I do something wrong?

And so on, and so on.

With a sigh, I clicked on his name and put the phone to my ear. It hardly rang when he answered, “Hey babe.”

“Hey,” I said shortly.

“Looks like you had fun last night.”

I couldn’t help the eye roll. I was that annoyed with him, “Yeah, it was a much needed night out.”

“Who were they? Friends from school?”

“Yeah, from high school and stuff.”

He paused, “Have I done something wrong?”

“Why would you say that?”

“Because you’ve got that tone. And your answers are short and I’m pretty sure you were avoiding my texts and calls.”

I huffed, “No, I’m at work. I have a life too you know.”

“I never said you didn’t!” he exclaimed. “What’s wrong? What have I done?”

“I don’t want to have this conversation right now, I’m on my lunch break.”

“What conversation Anna?” his voice was guarded and defensive at this point.

“Nothing just, I’ll talk to you later. If you have time for me.”

“Don’t be like that.”

“I’ll talk to you later,” I said before hanging up. I shouldn’t have called him, but there was that part of me that needed to hear his voice. To remind myself that he was real and that he was mine… or at least I think he was.

*****

“I just really don’t want to have this conversation at all,” I sighed to Avril as we walked to our cars after our shift.

“Yeah but if you don’t it’s gonna get worse.”

“This conversation’s not going to fix anything,” I deadpanned.

She shrugged, “It might. Maybe you guys can go public.”

I scoffed, “Yeah right. We’ve talked about that and he doesn’t want people to attack me or whatever. I don’t know.”

“How does he expect to have a real relationship with you then?”

“That’s my point.”

“Well have you thought about your other alternative?”

“What? Like breaking up?” she shrugged, “It’s crossed my mind once or twice. Usually in the middle of the night when I’m annoyed at him for being too busy. But…” I sighed, “I love him Av.”

“I know you do. But sometimes that’s not enough, you know?” We got to my car and we stopped at the trunk, “I just want to see you happy. And lately, you aren’t happy. This long distance secret thing isn’t ideal and I know you know that.”

“So you’re saying I should just end it?”

She shook her head, “I’m not saying anything. I’m just pointing out that something needs to change.”

On the drive home, Avril’s words ran through my head. Everything she said made sense and I’ve know that, I was just in denial. Because I was in love with Harry and I was willing to do anything to make it work, but it wasn’t. It was clear as day that this relationship was headed nowhere.

I texted Harry right as I put my car into park and asked if he could skype.

Give me 20 minutes and I’m all yours :)

Of course, always on his time.

I went up to my apartment and turned my Mac on and wait for his call before I wondered into the kitchen. I was in need of some hot cocoa, it was calling my name.

As I made the hot chocolate I watched as the time tick by.

I brought my mug back to the couch and turned the TV on to find something to watch. MTV was having a Jersey Shore marathon. Even though I found these people vile, I was still they were living on the beach. I wanted that! I needed a change so bad.

20 minutes went by, and then 30. The longer he made me wait the more annoyed and angry I got. Just once I’d like to be a priority. I knew his career came first, I wasn’t stupid, but he could make me at least a close second.

When the clock hit 45 minutes, Skype finally rang. I’d be lying if my heart didn’t skip a beat when his face filled my screen, “Sorry for the wait. I got caught up on the phone and-”

“It’s fine.”

He winced at my words, “Are you okay?”

I sighed already exhausted, “Not really,” I ran a hand through my face.

“What’s going on? You can tell me.”

“I just…” I bit my lip trying to decide how to go about this, “What are we doing Harry?”

“What do you mean?” his brow furrowed in confusion.

“I mean, what is this? What are we doing?”

“We’re in a relationship Anna, what are you going on about?”

“Are we?” I argued. “Because we’ve been doing… whatever this is for almost 2 years and I’ve only seen you in person twice!”

He sighed, “Anna, you know I want to see you more it’s just-”

“I don’t think you do,” I cut him off again, “Because if you did, you’d make it happen. I know you’re busy but it’s like you don’t make an effort to pick up my phone calls anymore. I’m just some big secret!”

“I love you, you know that!” he argued over me. “You’re not a secret. My friends and family know about you.”

“Then why can’t I come see you, and why can’t we go on dates? Why is this our relationship? Skype isn’t enough. I can’t keep doing this.”

“Anna it’s more complicated than that. The media… our fans… they’d eat you alive.”

“So… what? I’m just going to be tucked away forever? How is that a relationship? It’s not.” I sighed, feeling like the weight was being lifted off of me as I spoke, “I’m just so unsatisfied Haz. Not just with you, but also living in this town, working at a dead end job. I feel like my life if is just passing me by and the only highlight I have if when you find it convenient enough to answer the phone.”

The look on his face killed me. He looked stressed and distraught and I hated that I was the reason for it. But I also couldn’t just sit back and let it happen. He tugged a hand through his curls, “Do you wanna go public? If you feel that strongly about it we can.”

“You’re missing the whole point,” I groaned. “I don’t care about going public. I just want to be with you. I can’t just sit here and wait by the phone for you. I feel like you don’t even make an effort anymore.”

“I do!” he urged, “You’re on my mind all the time! It’s just, everything is so crazy right now with the new album and running around making appearances.”

“Yeah, but you never come see me, or let me come see you. I mean, your band mates make time to see their girlfriend. Hell, Zayn and Perrie are both super busy and I still see pictures of them together plastered all over the internet.”

“Do you wanna come here? I’d love to have you hear I just thought you were busy with work and everything so I never asked!”

“But I need you to ask. I need you to call me or text me even if it’s just for a second, just so I know I’m not holding onto something that isn’t there.”

“You aren’t holding on to this alone Anna. I love you, so much, don’t you get that? I just don’t want to make you sad or make you feel guilty so I don’t voice my selfishness. But if you want me too, fine!” He licked over his lips, “I love you Anna. And these past 2 years have been the hardest in my life because I can’t be with you in person. I can’t hold you at night, I can’t kiss you, make love to you. I’m gutted without you next to me. If I could have it my way, you’d move here. You’d move in with me and when I left for tour you’d come with me when you could.”

I could feel tears behind my eyes at his words. All I’ve been wanting was for him to show some type of effort and getting it all at once was emotionally exhausting, “Harry,” I sighed.

“Don’t break up with me. Please don’t, it’d kill me. I’ll tell the world about us, I’ll make more of an effort to come see you, I’ll do anything Anna. We can work through this.”

“Okay Harry, okay.” I sighed, “I get it, I was just… I just miss you and I guess not being able to properly talk has gotten to me.”

“If I book you a flight, will you be able to get the time off work?”

“Not for two weeks,” he groaned at my words, “But I don’t want you to just ask me to come just because I just laid all that out to you.”

“It’s not just that. I want you here too.”

I picked my phone up, “I’ll text my boss and see when the soonest I can get off is. Then I’ll look at flights.”

“Don’t even think that you’re paying.”

I looked back up at the screen at him, “I have enough for this I’ve been saving and-”

“No, I’m paying.”

And that is how, two weeks later, I was on a flight to London.

*****

We haven’t left his bed all day. Last night, Harry took me to dinner with his family and held my hand every chance he got. Even when we left and people could see us. I was so grateful that I wasn’t a secret anymore. That he really wanted me in his life, for real and not just for some late night Skype sex. I loved his mother, Robin and Gemma, they were so welcoming. I was worried they wouldn’t like me but they gushed over me. Telling me about how they hear about me all the time and that Harry never stops talking about me, that they felt they already knew me. I was shocked. I guess I wasn’t a complete secret after all.

Harry ran his fingers through my hair as I lay on his chest, “I love you.”

“I love you too,” I mumbled back. I moved so I was on the pillow right next to him.

He smiled at me as he ran a finger down my jaw, “I’m sorry I was such a twat before. It’s just hard to talk to you knowing you’re so far away.”

“I know. Believe me, I do.” I shrugged, “But it’s all we got.”

He licked over his lips as he stared at me. I could tell he was running over something in his brain. He always got that brooding determined look when he did, “It doesn’t have to be.”

“What?”

“You could move here.”

“What?” I sputtered, “Harry, you don’t have to do anything rash just because I lost it a few weeks ago.”

“I’m not. Think about it Anna, we’ve been together about 2 years. I’m crazy in love with you and I like to think that you feel the same way.” He sat up and looked down at me, “You said you were unsatisfied living in Canada. Why not move here? Everyone loves London!”

“You want me to move to the rainy UK when I want to live in the sun on a beach.”

The look of disappointment washed over his featured, “It was just a thought.”

He turned to move away but I grabbed him, “Are you serious about this? You want me to move in with you? Here?”

“Yes,” he sighed, “I’ve never been more serious about something in my life Anna.” He kissed my lips softly, “If you aren’t happy here, I’ll pay for you to move back to Canada, or California or wherever you’ll be happy.”

I bit my lip taking in all his words. He wanted me to move in with him, me. The girl no one knew about until last night. I could see in his eyes that there wasn’t any doubt in what he was asking me and it sent my heart into overdrive. “I think,” I mumbled, “That if I’m next to you, I’d be happy anywhere.”

A smiled tucked at his featured and his dimples appeared, “You mean that?”

“Yes.”

He buried his face in my neck, giggling. Yes, Harry Styles was giggling. He pressed butterfly kissed across my neck and shoulders, “I love you,” he said after each one, “I love you, I love you, I love you.” He shot up giving me a cheeky smile, “Just don’t go back. Just stay here and we’ll buy you all knew stuff.”

I scoffed at him, “I can’t do that. I have a lease you know.”

“I’ll pay it, whatever.”

“Harry,” I warned. “No you won’t. I’ll just pay the fine for breaking it. Plus I have to go back, I have a family and friends to say goodbye too. I have to pack, I have to quit my job and look for a new one here.”

He rolled his eyes, “Like I don’t have the money to support you.”

“That’s not the point,” I glared.

He smirked, “I knew you would argue that.” I smacked his chest playfully and he sunk into me. I wrapped my arms around his shoulder, enjoying the weight of him on top of me. “This is real right?” he said against my skin, “You’re really moving in?”

I locked onto his curls, “Yes, I think I am.”