Save Yourself, I'll Hold Them Back

The most important thing is to enjoy your life - to be happy - it's all that matters – Audrey Hepburn

Chapter 8

Dinner was beyond awkward that night. We did in fact make dinner for Hershel and his family. But...yeah. It didn’t go as well as we had hoped. At one point Glenn asked if anyone knew how to play guitar, and Patricia had told us that Otis was the only one that did. But...he had passed.

Basically we just sat in silence. Every so often Glenn would catch my eye and look at me with this dopey wide eyed expression that would make me smile to myself. But then I would look over at Hershel at the head of the table and he would be scowling and that would wipe the smile off my face.

Hershel thanked us after we were done eating before he left to his room. Andrea, Lori, Carol and I were taking care of the dishes when Carol came over to me, “Daryl hasn’t eaten yet,” she said quietly to me.

I felt my face heat up, but I shrugged, indifferent, “Oh.”

She nodded, “I made him a plate but I thought you might want to bring it to him.”

I looked at her, “It’s alright. You can bring it up to him.”

Ever since she had spoken to me earlier about how Daryl had been looking at me that was pretty much the only thing that had been on my mind.

Had he actually looked at me differently? There were only two occasions that I knew the hatred was gone from his eyes when he looked at me. But that didn’t mean anything.

“No, I have to finish cleaning. So I would rather you take it to him,” she said sliding his plate over to me.

I sighed, “Fine,” I said dropping my dish towel I had been using to wipe the countertops. I grabbed his plate and left the kitchen.

Whether or not Daryl had been looking at me differently, didn’t mean that even the nicest gesture, like me bringing him dinner, wouldn’t cause a battle between us.

I climbed the stairs and went to his room, the same room I had been in when they brought me to the farm.

I knocked on his door a couple times.

“What?”

I opened the door and slid in, closing it quietly behind me.

“What do ya want?” he asked roughly.

He was sitting up in the bed; there was a bandage around his head. He didn’t have a shirt on, and only had the blanket on the lower half of his body.

“Nothin, just thought you might be hungry is all,” I said, defensively, lifting the plate a little higher so he could see the plate.

He sneered at me, “I sure as shit know ya didn’t wanna bring it to me outta the goodness of yer heart.”

I clinched my jaw, “You’d be right,” I spat back to him.

He smirked and rolled his eyes, “Then fuck off.”

I left my face heat up out of embarrassment. I walked over to the bedside table and dropped the plate onto the table, “I didn’t wanna do it, but I fucking did. So how about some damn gratitude.”

“For fucks sake!” he yelled, causing me to jump back, “Thank fer the food, ya fuckin bitch!”

“What have I done to you?” I asked throwing my hands in the air, “What have I done to make you hate me? Tell me!”

“How many times do I havta tell ya? Because yer here!” he yelled back to me.

My hands balled into fists, “Fuck you! You’re not going to make me leave this group, so you might as well stop trying!” I said before turning, opening the door and slamming it behind me.

I heard glass hit the floor and figured that he had thrown the plate, possibly as the door just after I had left.

I shook my head and kept walking, down the stairs and straight outside to the fire pit. I sat in my chair and stared at the fire.

Carol was wrong. So dead wrong about everything. I mean, not that I care obviously. But he was the only one on the group that definitely had a problem with me; it’s pretty obvious as to why. Just like he said, ‘Because I was here.’

I felt too much anger and embarrassment inside that I couldn’t even cry. I just felt the anger bubble up in my chest, but I also felt the sadness and rejection there as well. Too many emotions all at once.
Daryl brought out such an angry side of me. I didn’t want to get mad at anyone in the group just because I had only been with them for a few days, but I didn’t realize that Daryl was going to bring it out in me.

No one seemed to notice me; Lori, Andrea and Carol were still inside. Dale was on the roof of the RV, Carl looked to be reading a comic book, Rick and Shane were off to left in the distance, T-Dog had gone into the RV, and Glenn had disappeared after dinner.

So that’s why when the front door slammed shut and I heard really heavy footsteps coming down the stairs I looked behind me and looked. It was Daryl, and he was staring hard at me. He didn’t speak until he was beside me.

“Ya wanna talk, let’s fuckin talk then,” he said quiet enough that no one else would hear him.

I narrowed my eyes at him, “I didn’t say I wanted to talk to you. I don’t want anything from you.”

He scoffed, “Ya wanted to talk up there!”

“Not really, I wanted to bring you dinner,” I grinned, “No, sorry, I was forced to bring you dinner and that’s it.”

I saw his jaw clinch, “Ya wanted ta know the answer, so I’m gunna give ya one.”

I rolled my eyes, “You’ve given me your answer so many times.”

I looked up at him and saw him run his hand through his hair, “Ya wanna talk or not?” he asked, frustrated.

I sighed, aggravated, and stood up, “Fine.”

He started walking in the direction of the woods, so I took that to mean I should follow him.

I had hardly walked ten steps when Dale was calling me.

“Emerson,” he called. I stopped and looking off to the left where the RV was where Dale was stationed on the roof, “Everything alright?”

I looked over to Daryl who had stopped walking and turned to face me.

“Don’ worry old man, I ain’t gonna kill her,” he called to Dale.

I rolled my eyes and looked back to Dale, “I’m fine. I’ll yell if I need someone.”

In the distance I could see him nod hesitantly, “Alright, we’ll be there.”

I nodded and turned back to Daryl who smirked at me, then turned around and started walking again.
I wasn’t nervous to be with him, I knew he wouldn’t hurt me. Dale knew where I was, and hell, he was probably still watching us walk away. I looked behind me to check and sure enough, he was watching still, he didn’t even bother to look away. I turned back around and laughed to myself.

“What’re you laughing at?” Daryl asked over his shoulder.

“Nothin’,” I said, simply.

He stopped just past the tree line of the woods, so we couldn’t be seen. He turned to face me.
I crossed my arms over my chest and looked expectantly at him.

He rubbed the back of his neck, “So?” he said.

I rolled my eyes, “You called me out to talk to you, you can speak first.”

I saw his hands ball into fists, “Yer the one with all the questions.”

I dropped my arms to my sides, “Listen man, you told me to come out here, so it’s not my conversation to start. Come find me when you wanna be an adult.”

I turned and started walking away. He grabbed my arms and spun me so I was facing him again. We were only a few inches apart. I hadn’t really realized how much taller he was than me. And, I knew he had blue eyes but seeing them that close was...well...amazing.

“Well?” he asked impatiently.

“Huh?” I asked, focusing again.

He rolled his eyes but smirked again, “I said I don’ hate ya. My priority righ’ now is findin’ that little girl. I don’ want nothin’ in the way of that.”

“How am I in the way of that?” I asked defensively.

He snorted, “Because you walk around here like a God damn princess.”

I pulled his hand off of me, “Bullshit! I do not! You’re just mad because I’m here! But I told you I would be so happy to help you try and find Sophia! But you’re not giving me a damn chance!” my voice was starting get louder at that point. Not loud enough to draw attention from the group, but loud enough for just the two of us.

He rolled his eyes, “Look, I jus’ don’t like that you came outta nowhere and now it seems like no one is out lookin’ for that little girl.”

I sighed and looked down at the ground, “Daryl, look, I’m so sorry that you feel that way. But...that’s not my fault. Everyone still wants her found, myself included. If you feel that way about me, then I’m really sorry. I just don’t think that I did anything to warrant that.”

I looked back up at him and, for the first time, his eyes...they almost looked...soft.

I looked at him wide eyed, and he looked back at me, “Um,” I started with a shaky voice.

He motioned behind me, “You should go back to camp,” he said.

I looked behind me, back to him, “Daryl, I’m really sorry about everything-“

“‘S fine. Jus...go back to camp,” he said cutting me off.

We looked at each other for a moment longer before I nodded, “Okay.”

Impulse took over and I grabbed his hand and squeezed, “You’ll find her, Daryl,” I said before letting go and turning away from him.

I walked the few steps to the clearing of the woods before I turned back to look at him, he was standing in the same position, watching me walk away from him.

“I’ll see you back at camp?” I asked.

He hesitated, but nodded, “Yeah. Talk to ya later.”

I smiled slightly at him and turned away.

I walked slowly back to camp; Daryl and I had been gone for maybe ten minutes. I walked in a daze away from him. Speaking with him in the woods was...something. We had had a couple nice moments together, I guess, but this time...it was different.

I couldn’t help the goofy smile on my face.

I stopped just short of my tent, “Oh God, what the hell am I doing?” I whispered to myself.

I sighed and ran a hand through my hair, it was one of the moments where you wish you could forget about your surroundings, and focus on how you feel. But...when the world goes to shit, so does your whole life, I guess.