The Academy of the Elite

I was perched on the edge of Roxy’s seat as she put my hair into two braids, chewing bubble gum and complaining about Jonny. She and I were on the fast track to friendship and it just felt right somehow. Earlier she came to my room with a black lace knee length sweet heart dress, with a tutu lace pleated bottom and told me she was sure I would look great in it. Just like that she gave me her dress, someone who has only known me for a handful of hours. A dress which I think I do look pretty decent in. She was thrilled at how I looked and took out a pair of red heels, and put red pearls around my neck. Exclaiming that now I looked perfect. At first I felt a bit silly being all dressed up, but I saw everyone seemed to look over the top today.

“Semester starts in a week so everyone wants to look extra great before uniforms come back on.” Roxy explained to me.

After a breakfast of oatmeal and strawberries with Roxy, we headed to the picnic tables, already a usual place for us. While she did my hair, I got a text from Zac telling me to meet him tonight at 8:30 for our rain check bungee jumping adventure. I agreed, and wondered to myself why he picked such a late time. I made a mental note to eat very little so I won’t hurl during bungee jumping. Roxy took no note of my brief distraction, chatting on about how gorgeous I am and how lucky of a guy Vic is. I squirmed and cleared my throat for the last part.

“Vic isn’t my boyfriend Roxy.” Roxy laughed a bit.

“Not yet sweetie. Look, I get it, Zac is hot, but Vic is something special and at the end of the day you won’t be able to say no.”

“I don’t know Roxy, I mean I …”

“Hey.” Vic appeared cutting off the rest of my thought.

He wore a black skinny tie over a plaid button down, and black skinny jeans. His usual beanie on his head, and without me making a conscience decision, I go over to him. I could hear Roxy mumble an I told you so, while he wrapped his arms around my waist. He pulled me into a hug and in a lapse of judgment I rested my head on his chest. I felt his heartbeat against my cheek, and the patterns of his breathing making me feel so relaxed. I stood like that for too long and I felt the guilt press into my chest.

“Hey,” I said pulling away with my eyes glued to the floor.

“Well, what a good start to the day.” He says as he walked over to Roxy and I felt the urge to run away from my mistake.

“Hey Liz,” I heard Gabe call out to me.

“Hey Gabe,” I called back relived to see some of the guys heading this way.

“I think I see my favorite girl,” Kellin says hugging me.

“I am sure your girlfriend would like to think that she is your favorite girl.” I laughed as I sat back down next to Roxy.

Kellin shrugged, and plopped next to Vic.

“She will be alright.”

“Where is she anyway?” I ask, not really interested in the answer.

“Acrobats started classes a week early, so she is in class.”

The boys made immature comments about the benefits of her major. Roxy shuts them all up, telling them to learn how to behave in front of ladies. They said when they find one they will learn, and then Roxy chased them around with a water bottle. I just laughed laying my head on Vic’s knees, again unaware of why I made such a rash move. When Roxy gave me a sly smile and a knowing look I sat up straight, trying hard not blush. Somehow this turned into a full on water fight, which I got pulled into because Justin, who had a bucket, poured water all over my head. I couldn’t stop laughing as Vic chased him with a can of monster. I knew this would only get worse once other beverages were involved, so I took my leave.

“Hey Liz, you and me lunch okay?” Kellin shouted, making my exit obvious if the laughter didn’t drown his voice out.

“Okay Kells, pick me up at my room at noon.” I wave to him as I walk away.

“Cool,” then Mike threw red bull in his hair and I muffled laughter as I went back to my room.

I put my beautiful new dress to hang up and dry, while letting out my braids, leaving my hair in nice waves. I changed into in high waist jean shorts, which I miraculously found at a good length, and a red and black plaid ‘boyfriend’ button down shirt. I pulled up knee high red socks and put on black round rimmed fedora. I put on my white chucks with red stitches, and black laces, grateful that the one thing about me I could really like is my style. I plopped back on my bed and saw that it was 10:50, plenty of time to kill before Kellin gets here, so I decided to call home. I spoke to my parents and tell them about the great opportunity Ally and I get by being able to perform at the school’s showcase. I spoke to all my brothers, and they all admitted to missing us already. I told my parents I would be sending money starting next weekend, when my job at Hot Topic started. They told me not to worry and have to fun, and that they love me. When we hung up, Kellin was knocking on my door; I had no idea I had been on the phone for that long.

“Hey, you look dry.” He chuckled as I walked out with him, still in his wet clothes.

“Thank you for noticing.”

“How about we eat at the mall’s food court, it’s pretty empty on Sundays and they have the best fakon egg and cheese.” He laughed, “There is no clever way to say that the eggs and cheese are fake too. Feese and Fggs.”

I laughed. “Cool, sounds yummy. I could use some fakon; it’s been way too long since I have had any of that.”

We walked to mall chatting about life. He told me about his band, his girl, his family, he was pretty much an open book. I did what I could in return, revealing as much as my private nature allowed me to. I told him the basics, favorite foods, colors, music, moments I shared with Ally, things I knew he could handle for now. I saw glances in our direction and the occasional pointing and whispers.

“What’s the deal?” I asked Kellin as we sat at the table with our food. “Why are you the center of attention?”

“I am the number two music major in the school. In case you are wondering, Jonny is one, and Vic is three. We have a shot at the big time so folks tend to want to watch what we do a lot. Tally, that’s my girl, she is number one for her major, good chance at getting in the cirque if she keeps it up.”

“Wow. You must be proud of her.”

He shrugs and continues.

“Your friend Zac is number one in drama with Roxy at a close second. Roxy says you will take his place fast; your audition blew her away.”

“I forget she saw that,” I said taking another bite of this delicious vegan sandwich.

“Yup, she said the kiss was pretty intense.” I almost choke on my ice tea as Kellin said those words.

“Does Vic know?” I immediately regretted asking, why would that matter?

“No, he tends to stay away from school gossip. You seem to like him,” he says, eyeing me.

“I can’t say that,” I looked down, “I don’t know him well enough to say that. I know I feel strange when he is around; like a pull to him. It so different then with Zac.”

“What do you feel with Zac?”

I refuse to raise my eyes, “Electricity, difficulty breathing, a need to be the one who makes him smile.”

I felt ashamed to admit that both had some kind of hold on me, a very different kind from other. Kellin didn’t judge me; he just nodded, like he understood what I was saying. I felt a small form of relief getting those silly feelings off my chest. I was glad that I had even felt comfortable enough to tell him that in the first place. Maybe he will be the first human I tell about the nightmares, I laugh at the thought.

“You know Liz, Vic is my best friend and I don’t want to see him get hurt.”

“Then tell him to stay away from me. Look Kellin, friendship to the side, I am no good for anyone. I don’t like being held for more than a second or my lungs start to fill with a scream. I hate when people look at me for too long because I know they are waiting to see me fail," I inhale sharply, starting to hyperventilate. "I don’t like people. I have spent my whole life single, no crushes, no kisses, no butterflies. I just want to keep it that way. I want my life to be simple and feelings are messy, that’s why mine stay locked away. I may be confused over the stuff going on with Vic and Zac but I am sure it will pass, they will move on. They don’t know one thing about me, maybe I seem pretty to them and talented but that’s my surface and I don’t really let people past that. Not even my own sister.” I ignored the burn of tears. “Just warn him for me Kellin, tell him what a wreck I am and keep your friend safe from me.”

“Liz,” I was already walking away as Kellin spoke my name.

I realized our friendship could not flourish in the slightest because I would hurt his friend. I would never give Vic what he wanted from me because I was incapable of doing so. No matter how much a small part of me wanted to be by Vic’s side, I just couldn’t. I had to stay away and tonight I vowed, I will tell Zac the same. My stomach dropped and I felt the need to barf but instead I swallowed the foul and bitter emotion of loneliness and trudged on. It wasn’t until I was forced around to face him that I even realized Kellin had followed me.

“Look I don’t know what happened to you that has gotten you so messed up but you are a great chick Liz. You don’t even have to tell me what happened but I see how you gravitate to Vic, and you can only fight that urge for so long without giving in. Trust me, I know." he loosens his grip and sighs. "Maybe you're right; maybe I should warn him, but who is going to warn you? Who will tell you that heartbreak doesn’t hurt any less when you cause it yourself?”

I stared into his eyes and felt the tears falls from mine. He said nothing, just hugged me as I cried into his chest. My face buried in his already damp tee shirt. I tried my best not to scream as his embrace and my tears made my mind wander to that night but I couldn’t stop the pressure in my lungs. I screamed into his shirt and he didn’t even flinch at the sound. He grabbed my hands as I began to claw at my skin. A bad habit that was a side effect of keeping it all bottled inside. He looked me in the eye and smiled.

“Are you okay?”

I wanted to tell him no, to tell him the nightmares have increasingly worsened since I have got here. All the emotions are spilling out in this new place. I thought things would be easier but it is harder to keep up my pretenses when no one knows why I am the way I am. I could start fresh here if I wanted to, and some part of me really wants to.

“I have been worse. I am going to see Ally.”

“Tell her to meet me at the studio in an hour so we can discuss the song. Text me, if you need me.” He hugged me again, and then left.

I washed my face so Ally couldn’t tell I was crying. Then I headed into her room, and I could see that she had been crying. I comforted her, I listen to her complain about Max and ignored the sting of his words. I stayed light hearted, telling her to ease up on the boy insanity and just be. I could tell she was thrown off by Max’s behavior because she almost left her room in her underwear to eat before heading to the studio. I just laugh to myself as I leave her behind and head to the quiet cocoon that is the library. I opened the door quietly and made my way to an empty desk, then sat down. I was in the middle of a book I found in the library when a student approached me, a small sly smile on his face.

“Make things better with me and Ally, or else, okay?” I recognized Max when he got closer.

I tried not to let this boy scare me but the look in his eyes made me cringe.

“Max, she doesn’t want to see you, and that’s her choice.”

“You are going to fix this,” his fingers ran across my face, “because Ally is perfect.”

I said nothing while he walked away, my eyes trained on the desk. I looked up in time to see Jack catch up to Max. He seemed unaware of what just happened. He waved at me, and I waved back with a weak smile. I texted Kellin, telling him that Max is being strange and left the library as soon as Max was gone. I am sure Max is a good guy with good intentions, he just unsure of how to handle things, that’s all. I will just talk to Ally and ask her to tell him to chill. I sent Ally a text telling her what happened. When I see the time it says 5:30. Still an hour and a half until dinner. I was running out of ways to kill time, so I text Roxy.

She meets me at the arcade with a lopsided smile on her face.

“Missed me already?” She pulls me into a hug and I just smile.

We ride the bumper cars about fifteen times before making our way to dinner. Thai food tonight, I love Thai food. Roxy was telling me how students think they get away with secrets parties, but she knows JT is just too cool to say anything to them. That’s when we saw a girl, standing a little too close to Jonny. I felt her tense up, eyes narrowed at the blonde bimbo clearly dumb enough to mess with Roxy’s man. She sashays over to him; I stay at a distance knowing this won’t be good.

“Hello Jonny.”

“Hey baby,” he was unfazed by her presence.

“Who is your new friend?” The girl squirmed under Roxy’s gaze.

“She is a fan; Victoria. She says my voice makes her melt so I was going to sing for her.”

“Oh, were you now?” She raises an eyebrow at him.

“Come on Roxy, it’s no big deal.”

“Of course not,” she places one hand on her hip, “go ahead then, sing for her Jonny. Don’t let me stop you.”

Her voice alone was a warning in which Jonny for some reason heeded, sending the blonde on her way. Maybe he just didn’t want to fight today, who could tell, but Roxy won this one. I couldn’t help but be proud of her; I could never see myself doing anything like that. He laced their fingers together, and kissed her cheek. I could see the brief tenderness, that must be why she loves him so. I smiled as I watched them head to the table with Vic. He looked up and saw me, confusion written on his face. I wonder if Kellin told him, Ally waved me over to a two seat table in the corner, which I was relieved to join.

“What’s the thing that happened with Max?” She all but hissed his name.

The waiter took my order for pad Thai and a green tea.

“I don’t know, it was kind of weird. Just smooth things out with him a bit, okay? I mean, he did call you perfect.”

She didn’t even crack a smile; she just ate her own bowl of pad Thai in silence. I knew it was an emotional day for her so I didn’t push anything. We ate and lingered in the cafeteria until we were one of the few people left. She looked at me, when I checked the time.

“Where you are going now?”

“Amusement park with Zac, I don’t want to bail on him twice.” I hugged her. “See you in the morning butt head.”

Making my way to the amusement park, I was so nervous; I have never done bungee jumping before. It’s not that I was scared of heights; I’m just not a huge fan of falling to my death. I knew that the guys were all at late night band practice and most students spend this time partying, or in their rooms. I wasn’t surprised to find the amusement park virtually empty. Some workers even abandoned operating rides to hang out at game booths. I loved the lights. This place being all lit up like this, it was so beautiful. The dark night sky painting a breathtaking picture, looking so much like a postcard.

“Beautiful, isn’t it?” Zac said from behind me.

“Yes,” I said as he stood next to me, grabbing my hand.

“Let’s go,” he pulled me up the bungee jump ride, putting us on the platform that lifts us up to the top.

“I am nervous; I have never done anything like this.” I bite my lip and make the mistake of peering down. I regretted eating that pad Thai for dinner.

“It’s going to be great, I promise. It’s like flying.” His eyes were alight will excitement.

We reached the top and two guys smiled in our direction.

“A couple bungee?”

Zac nodded in response and the two guys started putting equipment on us. I felt my stomach lurch as they attached us to each other, and then place the cord on too. I barely heard the instructions when we led to the edge of this high up tower. All I kept thinking was, 'man, are we high up.' Zac wrapped his arm around my waist, pulling me close.

“You ready?”

“No,” I choke out.

Then as we are falling, and as we fell Zac pressed his lips against mine. Now I felt twice the thrill. I allowed myself to kiss him back with the fear filled fever from the fall mixed with the thought of never kissing him again. It was the most romantic and foolish moment of my life. As I made my way back to my room after roller coaster rides, haunted house attractions, and the tunnel of love, I felt a small bond with Zac. We spoke about books, theater and best of all Star wars. He was indeed a man after my heart. He kissed my cheek and dropped me off at my door at 11:59 pm, barely in time for midnight lights out rule. I crawled into bed, a foolish grin on my face, vaguely aware that that was a date; not a random time out with a friend. I looked at my phone and there was a text from Zac telling me good night and calling me beautiful. I scrolled down and there was an unread text from Vic. Guilt swarmed over me, hazing my vision. I even forgot to tell Zac that we couldn't speak anymore. I buried my face in my pillow. I couldn’t even bring myself to read the text from Vic. So instead I decided to sleep and ignore the ache of my torn heart.