Secondhand

I hesitantly rose to follow him from the room. I trusted Austin, I really did. I was just scared of being hurt. It felt so stupid. He has never once hurt me or betrayed my trust, but I was still such a fucking pansy about this. I wanted to give him what he wanted, but I didn't know if I was prepared for the mental consequences.

The water was already running when I approached the closed bathroom door. I slid down to lean against it, trying to make a decision. My heart told me to go for it because I knew Austin was essentially the perfect guy, but my head screamed relentlessly otherwise. I groaned and banged my head back against the door.

There was movement from behind me and I jumped. Austin creaked the door back slowly. I leaned forward to ensure I wouldn't fall back through the now open doorway.

"Alan, are you okay?"

"I don't know."

"What's wrong?"

He came and leaned against the wall next to me, stretching his long, thin, legs out. They almost touched the opposite wall, whereas mine were nowhere near it.

"I just... I want to know who's been doing all of this, but at the same time I kind of don't. I want all of this to stop, but I don't want to find out who did it or why. I guess that I'm just scared to face the truth. I'm scared of a lot."

"What else?"

Austin's arm came warm around me and he nudged me into his bare side. I leaned my head against him and exhaled slowly. I needed to confess how I felt to him.

"It's not... It's not that I'm scared of you. That's not it at all. I'm just scared of being or getting hurt. It's all in my head and I know that because you're the most amazing guy and I can't even believe you'd spend a second on someone like me. You're probably annoyed with me by this point. I would be. I wouldn't even blame you if you were. I wouldn't blame you if you left to found someone who was willing to put out. I wouldn't blame you if you left me. Everyone does. They're better off when they do, too. Why haven't you?"

"Why haven't I left you?"

I nodded and looked up at him, confused and vulnerable.

"I haven't left you, and I won't, because I am desperately and hopelessly in love with you. If you weren't in my life now, I don't know how I'd go on. This relationship isn't about sex. It's about love and it's about trust. I'm here and I'm yours, no matter the difficulties we have to face."

I was crying into Austin's chest by now and he pulled me closer to him, trying to stop the flow of tears and calm me down. I wrapped my arms tight around his back and pushed my face lightly into where his shoulder met his neck.

"I love when you do that. It makes it feel like we're even closer. Like you want to be here and I can't lose you."

"You won't lose me. I'll stay until you don't want me anymore because I love you."

"Don't say that. I'll always want you. I love you, too. Now, we really need to get ready. Please come shower with me? Nothing attached to it at all, just a shower."

I nodded weakly and Austin helped me up to my feet, leading me through the door and closing it again. He was already in only a pair of sweats, but I was still fully clothed. I felt nervous and embarrassed. The last time Austin had seen me completely exposed was when I was simply too vulnerable to be embarrassed.

"May I?"

Austin tugged at the edge of my maroon t shirt and I nodded in response. He smiled lightly and lifted the fabric from my torso. His fingers brushed over my skin and I shivered as he stared.

"Damn beautiful," he mumbled. "Perfect. God, just... so perfect."

I blushed and his hands fell to rest at the waistband of my sweats. He looked hard into my eyes, checking, carefully making sure. I nodded again, hopefully not looking as nervous as I felt.

Austin must have sensed or seen it though because he withdrew his hands and placed them on his own pants. In one fluid motion, he pushed both pants and boxers down, exposing himself entirely. Again, long fingers found their way to the drawn waist of my sweats. I nodded again, slightly more confident. Nimble hands pulled both covering garments down and I kicked them off of my feet.

"God Alan. So.... perfect. That's the only word. It's not even enough. I just.. wow."

He was actually rendered speechless and I was not only confused but slightly uncomfortable. He was just staring, eyes traveling from north to south then back again. I shifted nervously and Austin stopped his inspection to pull me into the shower.

I stood under the spray while Austin's arms wrapped around me. I could feel him reach behind me and hear the pop of a bottle.

"Turn around, okay?"

"W-why?"

"Hey, hey. You can trust me, always. I'm not going to hurt you. I promise."

"O-okay."

There was a squirting noise and then I could feel Austin's hands tangle in my ginger locks, gently rubbing and massaging. I leaned into his gentle touch and sighed lightly.

He is so perfect. I remembered for the thousandth time just how lucky I was right in that moment.

My attackers were caught.

I had a boyfriend so perfect it was hard to believe he was real.

There's a roof over my head.

I am in love and I feel loved.

I finally feel safe.

I am finally okay.