Even Hell Can Get Comfy Once You've Settled In

The visions continued to come back to Alex. They flooded his memory and made him fear even closing his eyes. Every single time he would try and fall asleep the images would come back to him. The burning in his throat as he tried to scream and get away. The pain that coursed through his entire fucking being from the heavy body atop him trying to keep him down. The thick and calloused hands that gripped his throat. It was fucking hell.

And this night was no different. He thought because he had just finished talking to his boyfriend, Rian the visions would leave. They wouldn’t come this night. His mind could finally be at peace for once. And he wouldn’t have to think about the terrible rape that had ruined his life a little over 6 months ago.

His stomach began to cave in as he remembered every painful detail of the night. He would remember every part of it until the day he died. It would haunt him and make him cry forever. And that sickened Alex beyond belief. It hurt him to think that this person who had put him through hell was getting to him this much. He felt like it was their goal to make him sad and weak and angry at himself. And Alex was so upset that it was working. It felt as though he was letting them win. Like he was giving them satisfaction.

Alex continued to inhale deeply through his mouth. Trying to keep his voice down so he wouldn’t wake his parents.

Neither of his parents knew about the rape. The only person who knew was Alex’s boyfriend, Rian.

At the time that this whole thing had happened, Rian and Alex were best friends. Nothing could ever separate them. It was in their freshman year when Alex decided to go to a rave with his two other friends Zack and Jack. Because Rian had to go on a trip with his family that long weekend, he had to pass it up. Alex was second guessing his going when Rian told them that he couldn’t go. But Rian just hugged Alex and said “just go and have fun ‘Lex”

That brought the biggest smile onto Alex's face. And enough confidence to actually go. Both boys regretted their decision more than anything, though. Things turned bad very early on into the night.

After about 30 minutes of being at the party, Alex was approached by a very handsome boy. Alex guessed he was about 18. But he honestly didn’t care. He was just here to have fun.

The boy fed Alex a ton of alcohol. The younger of the two was stumbling up into a bedroom before he could resist. He wanted to say no. He wanted to scream out for the older stranger to keep his hands off of him. But he couldn't. The elder had a firm grip on his mouth and one on his throat.

"You better shut the fuck up" the elder said to Alex in an intimidating tone. "I will kill you without hesitation"

But Alex continued to squirm and cry. He couldn't believe this was happening to him. He couldn't believe that he had let himself be fooled by the beautiful stranger.

Before he knew it, he was being stripped of his clothes and flipped over so he was laying on his stomach. Alex continued to scream for all he was worth. Tears poured out from the boy's eyes as he tried to climb away from the older. To push him off. To do anything to save himself. But it was honestly no use.

The rapist, being fed up with Alex's behavior, punched him directly beneath the jaw, sending Alex into a dream world. Mixed with the alcohol and the intense amount of pain he felt in his jaw, he couldn't move at all. Couldn't scream anymore. Couldn't even cry.

At this point he was tired. Tired of feeling this weight on top him. And tired of feeling the hands roughly wrapped around his neck.

It was around 30 minutes before Alex felt the body get off of him. Any normal person would probably try to fight the rapist back, but Alex had absolutely no energy left in him to do anything.

He heard the door slam closed as more tears began to pour from his stinging eyes. His face was hot and sticky from all the left over tears.

He climbed out the bed and winced as he began to walk over to retrieve his clothes. He quickly got dressed and wiped away all his tears before going to find Zack and Jack.

It didn't take too long to find the two boys. Once they saw the state Alex was in, they agreed immediately to take him home.

Alex shook his head as he came back into the real world. He found tears falling down his cheeks as he thought about that night. He couldn't breathe at all. He was beginning to feel frustrated and like he needed a release. He began to tug roughly at his hair to try and find a little bit of ease in the terrible state he was in. But that was honestly no use. He had had enough.

Slowly, the blonde walked over to his dresser and pulled open the third drawer from the top. The silver blade seemed to glow in the moonlight as Alex stared down at it.

Silent tears began to make their way down the boy's cheeks as he picked up the object and dragged it across the already scarred plain of skin on his wrist.

He felt his breathing calm down as he felt the pain of the blade drag across his skin. He continued to do this until his whole wrist was covered with cuts all around. He watched as the blood flowed from his wrist, desperately trying to put pressure with his other hand so no blood would go on his carpet.

Wrapping tissue paper around his wrist, he pulled his pants down slightly to reveal his hip. He looked down and bit his lips as he saw the barely healed wounds and dragged the sharp blade across his skin once again.

He felt relief in the pain. He felt better.

Until he realized what he had just done. And now he felt more than ashamed. He felt so upset at himself that he did this.

He grabbed his cell phone and instantly called Rian, hoping he would provide some reassurance and help in this situation. He always seemed to.

On the third ring Rian picked up with a raspy and tired "hello?"

And even in the terrible situation Alex was in, he found himself smiling at how adorable Rian sounded.

Rian had always been there for the younger boy. He talked to him on the phone almost every night just to make sure the boy was okay. Rian and Alex loved each other more than anything.

"Babe, I'm sorry I woke you" Alex pouted slightly as he whispered the sentence into the phone. He didn't want to wake his parents up and have them walk in on the scene that was taking place.

"Awww, love. You can call me any time you want. Are you okay?" Rian was now sitting up in his bed, listening to every single word Alex was saying. Praying that he would answer with a yes.

"I-I cut again Rian" Alex's voice got quieter with every word he said. He was so ashamed with himself for doing this. Especially with how he had promised Rian that he would never do it again. The younger boy knew how much it hurt his love when he self harmed. But he still found himself doing it day after day. He couldn't stop. And it was starting to scare him.

As Rian heard the words being uttered through the phone he felt his heart drop and a pain vibrate through his stomach. It made him beyond sad to know that Alex did this to himself. It hurt him in more ways than he can even express.

Before he could stop himself, he was pulling on a loose sweater that was thrown on his floor and tying shoes onto his feet "Alex, baby. I'll be over in 10 minutes okay?"

And even though Alex wanted nothing more than for the older boy to be holding him and to cuddle into his side, he still found himself shaking his head "Rian, you don't have to do that" he bit his bottom lip, instantly feeling bad for bringing his problems onto the older boy like he always did.

But Rian just shook his head and unlocked his window before dropping down onto the floor below. "Don't be silly. I want to" He picked up into a jog, running towards Alex's house. "I'll be there soon baby. Just try to relax, please"

Alex nodded and got up to unlock his window so Rian could easily climb in "Okay. I love you."

"I love you too. See you soon." and with that Rian hung up and picked up his pace to a steady run.

Ever since the night Alex had been raped, Rian frequently made appearances in his room late at night whenever Alex needed him. Rian felt as though it was all his fault for encouraging Alex to go to the party. And while Alex thought that was totally false, Rian couldn't help but pin the blame on him every single day. And he tried to make up for it everyday by being there for Alex whenever he was needed. And also because he loved the boy more than anything else in the world. So might as well be there for him everyday.

Alex was snapped out of his thoughts as he heard the window of his room opening and closing. Because of the current state he was in, Alex couldn't find it in himself to flip over and look at the older boy. He was too ashamed in himself, too sad, to even move. Tears were slowly forming in his eyes as the first one made its way down his cheek.

He heard Rian sigh as he looked over at Alex's curled up form on the double sized bed. He took off his shoes quickly and climbed into the bed with the younger boy. He wrapped his arm around the thin waist of the boy and buried his face into the soft and amazing smelling hair. "Do you want to let me see?" he whispered quietly into Alex's ear as he placed gentle kisses all on the blonde boy's neck and hair.

And, just as he thought, the boy quickly shook his head stubbornly. But this didn't frustrate Rian one bit. He just kissed Alex once again and hugged him closer to his muscular chest. Their bodies seemed to fit perfectly together. The all too familiar feeling of Rian's body being pressed to his made Alex sigh in content.

"Baby, you know I'm not going to judge you. I just need to see them and help" Rian bit down on his bottom lip, hoping the younger would cave in.

He smiled when Alex nodded slightly and sat up in the bed. Alex sniffled slightly before holding his hand out to Rian, who instantly took it and was led to the bathroom that was conjoined to his room.

Rian quickly sat Alex down on the toilet and began to carefully wash and apply antiseptic to all the cuts. Trying so hard to not hurt Alex further. He couldn't help but feel his heart beat all the way into his throat as he looked at his boyfriend's wounds. Just fuck, he loved him so much and it hurt so fucking much to see him like this. And Rian knew it was his fault that he was doing this.

Once he was finished he pulled Alex into his chest, lovingly, and began to play with the hair at the nape of the younger's neck.

Leading him back into the bedroom, Alex didn't hesitate before placing his head on Rian's chest and breathing in the all too familiar scent that he found so much comfort in. Rian smiled slightly and began to play with the blonde hair.

Carefully Rian looked down at the scars littering the boy's arm and places small and tender kisses to everyone of them. The smile that lit up Alex's face just made him so happy. Seeing the younger boy happy just made Rian the happiest person in the world. And knowing that he was the reason for the smile, made him even happier.

A happy tear made its way down Alex's cheek as he looked into the chocolate eyes of his boyfriend. Rian kissed each tear away and stroked the boy's cheek with his thumb, softly.

"It will be okay. I'm here now" He pressed a soft and loving kiss to Alex's lips that just sealed the deal.

Alex cuddled more into the elder's chest and buried his face into his neck "I love you so much Rian" he said through a stiffed yawn.

"I love you too Alex. So much." and with Alex was asleep. Rian couldn't stop himself from placing multiple kisses atop the beautiful boy's head.

And that night Alex slept peacefully knowing that Rian was by his side.