Don't Give Up (On Me)

“Wake up, oh my god Lei,”

I groaned loudly, pushing him away from me as I buried my face into the pillow. “I love you, but seriously, fuck off.”

“Is it that time of the month?”

I turned to the side and shoved him, hard. “Get lost!”

I felt cold hands on my hips, squeezing me gently. “Come on Lei, I’ve only got two days left with you and I’m hungry-“

“If you’re waking me up to make you breakfast I will seriously rip your balls off, O’Callaghan.” I warned venomously.

“Holy shit babe I wanna take you out for breakfast with Jared and Parker.” He laughed, sliding his hand up the back of my shirt and rubbing my bare back. God his hands would be the death of me.

I sat up, propping myself up on my elbows. “Wait, really?”

He nodded, a weak smile on his lips. “Yeah, Park’ wanted to see you and originally it was just me and Jay so she said to ask you. I think she invited herself along to be honest but I want you there either way.” He chuckled, leaning down to kiss me.

The taste of Jack Daniels stung, but I didn’t bring it up.

“Yeah sounds good. When are we going?” I asked, pushing his hair back off of his forehead, only realizing he’d strategically placed it there to hide a zit on his face.

“Like…thirty, twenty five minutes.” He shrugged.

“You could’ve given me more notice,” I scoffed, getting out of bed and heading for our wardrobe.
“How long have you been up anyway?”

“Meh, few hours maybe?” He called from our bed. He was already dressed so I decided that that was the reason he was up early. Not because he couldn’t sleep again.

“That’s no good, it’s only…what time is it?” I asked, looking over my shoulder as I scanned through for a simple staple dress.

“Nine o’clock.” John answered.

“You’re such an early bug when you’re not on tour it’s weird.” I mumbled, pulling his t-shirt over my head and replacing it with the white lace dress, heading into the bathroom to freshen up.

“I hate sleeping on tour,” he scoffed, “those bunks give me panic attacks.”

“Why don’t you sleep in the back lounge?” I asked curiously.

“Nah, too much of the guys’ crap in there.” He waved it off, following me into the bathroom and sitting his skinny little ass up on the vanity bench. “You look pretty in dresses.” He commented randomly.

“Thanks,” I chuckled, leaning over and kissing him before doing my hair and make-up. “Remember when you showed me those photos of you in high school?” I smirked.

John rolled his eyes and poked me in the side. “Hush. That wasn’t me, that was Jac. Even though I told her not to.”

“That was hilarious,” I laughed, leaning back. “You had so much style, babe.”

“God I wish my mom dressed me. Way to boost my confidence.” He laughed, shaking his head.

I looked over at him as I applied my mascara, feeling a pout take over my smile. “I’m gonna miss you.”

He looked at me, his expression turning somewhat serious. “You know I’m gonna miss you too, crazy girl.”

“I go crazy because you’re not here,” I retorted playfully.

“You drive me crazy even when I’m on tour,” he smirked, sliding off the bench and wrapping his arms around my waist, forcing me to stand up straight. “But that’s okay, because I love you.”

“Good, I’ve spent like two years with you, you better love me.” I smirked, kissing his thin lips quickly.

“Almost two years,” he corrected me, resting his head on my shoulder. “That’s a long time, huh?”

“Sure has felt long,” I mused. “Even though you’ve been away quite a bit.”

“One part I dislike about touring.” He mused, pulling back and kissing me on the forehead and looking down at me. “Should we get going?”

I nodded, following him back into the bedroom to slip my shoes on. I went with my black Cons and grabbed my bag, following him downstairs.

“You can leave your bag, I’ll pay.” He said, waving it off.

“Are you sure?” I asked, “I don’t mind.”

“Nah it’s fine baby.” He nodded, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the door.

I left my bag in the kitchen and only grabbed my phone as we headed out, locking the door behind us.

He had a little OCD about that and had to check two times if he’d locked it correctly. He did that with every door, especially when we had sex. Even if it was in our bedroom and nobody was staying with us. I told him he was compulsive about it but he waved it off like it was a natural habit.

The drive to the café/diner we were meeting at was quiet, as I allowed my body to wake up and catch up with my mind. It was a comfortable silence between us, though his thoughts seemed to be planted somewhere else, which caught my attention.

“What’re you thinking about?” I asked softly.

“None of your business,” he smirked, looking over at me before refocusing on the road.

I rolled my eyes playfully, knowing he wouldn’t tell me what was really on his mind anyway, something I was growing to accept. I wasn’t his therapist¸ therefore he wouldn’t tell me therapist-y things.

We got to the small breakfast diner ten minutes later and were the first ones there. We took a booth to the side, John sliding in first and me beside him. We sat there waiting for Jared and Parker, our hands entwined on the table top.

“Do you remember the first time we went out?” He asked randomly, leaning over and pressing his lips to my cheek, not bothering to take them away. “The first time I asked you out on a date?”

“I do,” I nodded, a small smile growing on my lips as the memory came back. “Why?”

“Just thinking ‘bout it, and how that was almost two years ago,” he shrugged, looking away. “Oh look, they’re here.”

“So, you ever been here?”

I sent him a look. “To an abandoned warehouse? Can’t say I have.”

He sent me a smirk and took my hand. “Don’t be so quick to judge, girl.”

I raised an eyebrow at him. “Okay, next date I’ll lead you into the forest, see how you like it.”

“I went camping all the time with my family, thank you very much,” he laughed, pushing back a door that was well off of it’s hinges and stopping in the open space. “What d’you think?”

My jaw dropped when I saw the set up inside. He’d put a table cloth over one of the rickety old tables and found a chair for either side. The meal on the table looked homemade and there was a bottle of wine (and Jack Daniels, forever his poison of choice) on the table, but what got me the most was the numerous candles around the warehouse, lighting the place up considering the lights hadn’t been working for the past six or so years. It was a good kind of cliché.

“John…this is…”

“Incredibly cheesy?” He scoffed, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. He seemed to do that a lot, I’d noticed, and we’d only just met.

“An incredible first date,” I teased, turning to him. I was so tempted to kiss him right then and there but I didn’t want to come across as too eager on the first date. Maybe I’d kiss him on the second date, or even the third. “This is amazing, thank you so much.”

“Any effort for the pretty girl is a pleasure.”

Oh how things had changed.

***

Breakfast with Parker and Jared was great, it was really good to catch up with them together, not just us girls all the time while the boys were away. I’d thoroughly missed the group dates, the dates the guys honestly didn’t care about going on but went anyway because they knew it’d make us happy.

The ones with Kennedy and Lydia were always fun, always outdoors whether it be an outdoor restaurant or a hike up one of the many trails they’d discovered along the way. Ones with Austin and Hilary always consisted of going out to some club, so we’d usually take Eric and Jac along too. But the ones with Eric and Jac were good old casual diner dates, ones we could plan totally last minute and they’d still be enjoyable. The ones with Garrett and Tate consisted of cult classic movie marathons and trips to old record stores Tate and I didn’t even know about. Not like we’d be having anymore of those any time soon.

Alright it was a little harsh the way I’d been treating her, but I honestly had no reason or strength to make an effort with somebody who finds it so easy to lie to the guy she’s supposed to be in love with. If she’d fallen out of love with Garrett, fair enough, but have the decency to break up with him before you move on to his best friend for crying out loud. It wasn’t something I wanted to get involved in. Ever.

It was a hard topic not to stop thinking about, but I tried my hardest as I helped John pack his things that afternoon for the trip. He wasn’t in the greatest of moods, considering Jared was still off with him, but they’d tried to be civil around myself and Parker, and I was now coming to wonder if he’d asked me to go with him just so he wouldn’t have to face Jared alone, who wouldn’t dream of bringing up their issues in front of us.

“I think you should only take two pairs of jeans and a few t-shirts.” I said to him, looking over my shoulder as he sat on the bed, flipping through my latest issue of Cosmopolitan.

“Yeah okay,” he nodded, not really paying attention to me.

I sent him a look. “What’s the weather going to be like? Will you wear sweats to bed or just your boxers?”

“Boxers.” He mumbled.

“How many sex positions have you read about so far?” I asked, testing him to see if he was actually listening to me or if I was wasting my-

“Leighton!” He scolded, shooting daggers my way.

“Well you’re the one reading women’s magazines instead of packing.” I stated, swiveling around on my butt to face him. Hardwood floors in the bedroom wasn’t always a good idea, no matter how fluffy this rug was.

“I don’t think we’ve ever tried missionary, could be interesting,” he threw back, closing the magazine and dropping it on my bedside table. “I’m sorry, it’s just boring.”

“Don’t be so inappropriate,” I blushed, ignoring his last statement and wishing I hadn’t even heard the first. “You’re twenty five-“

“Exactly, mature enough to discuss sex without blushing- oh my god you’re thinking about it!” He laughed, climbing onto his hands and knees on the bed and crawling to the edge to look down at me.

“Shut up, I am not,” I scoffed, turning away from him an combing my fingers through my hair. It was growing beyond my shoulders and I couldn’t help but wonder what I’d look like as a brunette. But I was certainly most not thinking about that, much to his disappointment. “Come help me with this, jerk.”

“Fine, but I know you were thinking about it,” he smirked, climbing off of the bed and sitting beside me on the floor. “I mean it’s totally okay, it’s normal-“

“Would you stop?” I scoffed, shoving him. “Get that off your mind already.”

He lowered his head to my neck and I closed my eyes with an inward grown when I felt his lips on my neck, his teeth biting at my skin. Like you can imagine, it felt good. “I love you, Leighton Johnson.” He murmured softly, his voice causing vibrations on my skin.

“I love you too John O’Callaghan,” I mumbled, turning so our lips were connected.

His hands moved to the back of my neck, running through my hair. “I love you so much.”

He stood, pulling me with him and not breaking the kiss at all. I figured he’d had a lot of practice as a teenager kissing girls, which was why he was so good at it. He stumbled backwards towards the bed, pulling me down with him so I was sitting over him, his hands moving from my neck to my hips in less than three seconds.

“I’m gonna miss you,” I mumbled against his lips.

“Same,” he replied, not too focused on what I was saying as his hands roamed my body. Well, I can understand why. Who wants to have the mope-fest during a moment like this? I was always a mess the night before he was due to leave for tour and with him leaving this soon after he just got back, I don’t know how bad I’d be.

It was like taking away a crutch from a kid with a broken leg.

His body fought to be closer to mine and I let it, moving my hands from his shoulders down his front to his jeans. Before I could make any other movement he pushed me away quickly (quite roughly to be honest) and sat up, moving backwards up the bed.

“I told you not to do that!” He hissed.

I frowned, sitting on my knees. “Do what?”

“Fucking touch me like that!” He snapped, his eyes full of anger and…fear? No it was disgust, definitely disgust. “I said never to touch me like that!”

“John,” I said calmly, “I’m sorry, I forgot-“

“Oh wow great you forgot I fucking hate that- do you ever even listen to me or do you do this to me on purpose?!” He yelled, getting up from the bed and kicking it in anger. “Do my feelings affect you at
all!?” He snapped.

I rolled my eyes in disbelief. “Are you kidding me?! Your feelings are the only thing that fucking
matters in this house! Our relationship is based on your fucking feelings- excuse me for making a damn mistake!” I yelled back, getting off of our bed and heading for the door. “I don’t deserve this.”

“Don’t you walk away from me!” He screamed.

I suddenly wished one of the guys or the girls at least was here right now. I was afraid to be alone with him (probably not a good sign) when he was mad.

I headed downstairs, hearing him behind me, his feet angry against the hardwood flooring. I’d almost made it to the bottom of the stairs when he grabbed my arm and pulled me back, making me lose my balance and fall down the last two stairs.

I screamed when I hit the ground painfully.

“Oh fuck, Lei,” he mumbled, skipping the last two and kneeling beside me.

I sat up and moved away from him out of some bad reflex I apparently developed. “G-get away from me.” I spat, shoving him in the chest.

He flinched, moving back like I’d asked and sitting down on his ass. “Babe…I didn’t mean…I’m sorry-“

“Your apology means shit to me right now,” I snapped, putting a hand on my back and wincing as I felt it bruising. “Just get away from me- I’m sick of you hurting me!”

“Baby it was an accident I didn’t mean to-“

“Push me down the stairs?! Throw beer at me?! Fucking strangle me?!” I yelled, pushing him away with my feet. A childish maneuver, I know. “That doesn’t make it okay!”

“It’s the-“

“Don’t you fucking dare blame this on the depression.” I said coldly, sending him a look that would put him six feet under. “Don’t you dare.” I warned, getting up (in pain) and leaving the room. I headed into the kitchen and grabbed my bag, pulling it onto my shoulder and taking his car keys.

“Where are you going?” He asked, following me into the room. “Those are my keys-“

“Your truck’s blocking my car.” I said quietly, not even bothering to look at him as I left.

“Babe let’s talk about this-“

“There’s nothing to talk about!” I yelled at him, stopping when I hit the front door. “There is nothing to talk about John! Go pack your fucking bag and go with the guys- I have no desire to speak to you or even look at you right now!”

With that I left the house, mentally cursing at myself when I realized I’d forgotten to put a pair of shoes on. I threw it over my shoulder and unlocked his truck, climbing in and sticking the keys into the ignition. I backed out of the driveway, ignoring his figure on the front porch, running a hand through his hair in frustration.

Seeing him in that kind of pain was almost pleasurable to me.

On the way to my destination, I pulled my phone out of my bag and pressed ‘2’. Jac was my second on speed dial, right after John who I was ironically trying to get away from. I put the phone on speaker and set it on my dashboard as I drove. I could only imagine how John would react if I got into an accident and damaged his car, so I opted for the safety precautions.

“Hello?” Jac answered, sounding out of breath and on the move.

“Hey it’s Lei, did I get you at a bad time?” I winced, really hoping I hadn’t.

“No way babe, I’m just at the gym.” She replied. “What’s up?”

“Nah it’s alright, I’m just really pissed off at John and need to vent,” I mumbled, figuring out where I was going to go now. I suppose I could see Hilary, but there was a high chance of me walking in on them doing it and I’d rather not see that.

“Go on over and see Eric,” She suggested, “You two used to be close, and he’d actually be able to give you advice on John considering they’re like brothers.”

I pondered the thought and nodded, continuing the drive to Jac and Eric’s. “You sure that’s okay? I kind of have nowhere to go.”

“Of course babe, just don’t pull a Tate.”

“Oh come on, that’s harsh,” I laughed, feeling like an absolute bitch at the lack of sympathy I had for the two.

“I know but whatever, I’ll see you later alright? You staying for dinner?” She asked.

“Not sure, I don’t want to leave him for too long.” I mumbled.

“Oh are you looking after his nephew again? That’s so cute!” She threw back sarcastically, fully knowing we hadn’t seen Ross’s little boy at all (he was a young father at only seventeen, his son now three).

“No, Jac.” I sighed.

“Exactly, you’re not babysitting, he’s twenty five years old Leighton. Also, you shouldn’t just leave after an argument, you have to talk things out.” She said firmly. It may sound like she was being a bitch, but she was right, and I needed that firm perspective.

In this case, it was just incorrect.

“He accidentally pushed me down the stairs,” I whimpered, breaking into tears as I pulled into her driveway. I shut the car off and dropped my face into my hands pathetically. I wanted it to end, I wanted it to go back to normal again.

I got a string of curses and undelightful sentences thrown at me, a lot about physically causing pain to my boyfriend. I couldn’t help but cry, let it all out at she bad mouthed him and tried to sweet talk me.

“I sent Eric a text babe, go inside and I’ll be there soon.” She said finally, not taking no for an answer.

We parted ways and I headed up to the front door, Eric opening it and welcoming me into his arms before I had a chance to knock. I groaned when he hugged me (due to the bruising) and he pulled me inside to investigate further.

“That boys’ a fucking idiot, that’s for sure,” he mumbled, slowly lifting the back of my t-shirt to reveal a disgusting bruise on my side. “Shit darlin, let me get you some ice for that.” He said, pulling me into the kitchen.

“It was an accident, Eric,” I sighed, wiping my eyes and shaking my head. “He tried to grab me and I tripped and fell down, it was only two stairs-“

“The fact that you’re trying to stick up for him is worse.” Eric stated, “there is absolutely no excuse for that shit and you have to understand that. He’s going to really hurt you one day and you’ll have to legally do something about it. If you can’t accept these things, you’ll be put through hell.”

It was hard for me to take in, because I didn’t know this side of John, the side that was incredibly out of control, ending in a violent move he wasn’t realizing he was doing. It was almost as if some angry person was taking over his body, because that’s what all of those actions were done out of- anger.

“I know it’s hard to grasp babe, but it’s the reality.” Eric sighed, pulling me in for a light hug. “What started this?”

I blushed instantly as I thought back to what it was- how could something so stupid lead to something so violent? “We were just fighting over something stupid.” I mumbled.

He pulled away, looking me in the eye. “You don’t have to tell me if you want to keep that between you two, but know that you can come to me with anything, okay? If you ever feel threatened over there with him, or scared even, call me and I’ll be over to calm him down…to make sure he doesn’t hurt you.” He trailed off, looking away.

“You didn’t think you’d ever have to say that about your ‘brother’ did you?” I asked, sending him a sad look.

“Something’s just work out like that, Leighton.” He sighed, kissing me on the forehead. “You can stay the night if you want. I’ll go stay with him, talk some sense into his thick skull.”

I bit my lip and shook my head. “Tomorrow’s his last day before they go away. I want him to leave with us on good terms. The sooner I do damage control, the better.” I sighed, knowing it was the right mistake. “Jac said I can’t just walk away from arguments and she’s right. I should go back.”

“If you’re sure, hun.”

I nodded bravely, taking a deep breath. “I just needed this breather- thank you so much Halvo.”

“No problem Lei, be careful okay? And remember what I said.” He said firmly.

I nodded again. “I will. Definitely.”

“Alright, drive safe.”

It wasn’t much, but I needed that half hour away from John to clear my head. I got that this wasn’t him acting out, and that it was influenced by the medication, but it was like that saying; “drunk words are sober thoughts,” and it got me wondering why he had all of this pent up anger and negative emotion inside of him, or why it was choosing now to break him apart. But like I’ve said before, I can’t turn against him. I have to show him that I’m all in or nothing.
I have to put on a brave face and keep going.

When I got home, I was relieved to see my car gone, meaning he must be at Jared’s or Garrett’s or something. Kennedy still wasn’t that fond with him apparently so I didn’t think he’d go there. I didn’t call, instead opting for the ‘breather’ option and decided to simply wait for him to come home.
As it was hitting later afternoon, I headed upstairs and quickly finished his packing, before changing into a pair of his boxer shorts (clean of course) and one of my tank tops, tying it at the side because it was too big. I descended the stairs, making sure to watch my footing, before moving into the kitchen to make dinner, which would really just be a Mexican chicken salad.

I shot Jac a quick text saying I was home now, before flicking through my feed on Instagram. There was nothing too exciting, just the girls posting usual updates, Lydia and Kennedy and their landscape shots of their usual hikes, and Austin and Hilary at some classy restaurant downtown. He was always taking her out and surprising her, no doubt when he proposed it would be super romantic and unbeatable by any of the guys.

I’d wondered about marriage with John a few times in the past, even though we were only coming up to our two year anniversary in December, just two months away. I figured he was definitely the only one for me and I’d definitely be interested in spending the rest of my life with him, marriage or no marriage. I know he was interested in getting married someday, because he’d hinted about a desert wedding in the past, but that could have just been a good result from his medication. I wasn’t too sure on the kids’ front and to be honest I don’t think he’d be ready for that until at least thirty. I know it was a little late in the modern day for kids and now would be the more common time for someone his age to be starting a family, but I wasn’t up for bringing children into the world with a father who was emotionally unstable. I’m not saying that the depression was the roadblock and what was making him unable, I just find it hard to believe that he would be able to love a child enough when he doesn’t even seem to love himself half the time. There’s also the fact that he has the ability to ‘forget’ to feed himself sometimes so that was a little worrying.

But it was the least of my worries right now, as my first priority was his health and well being. Although we weren’t married, I was in this with him for better or worse.

I just had to keep reminding myself of that.

***

I heard him come through the door at nine o’clock that night, when I was comfortably situated on the couch watching the new episode of Game of Thrones. Austin had recently gotten John and I addicted to the TV show and I was beginning to hate him for it.

I looked up as John came in and stopped in the doorway.

“Do you want me to leave you alone?” He asked gently. “I’ll give you space if you don’t want to talk.”

“I’m tired of talking right now. But you can come and watch Game of Thrones with me if you want.” I responded, muffling back a yawn.

He nodded silently and walked through the living room, kicking off his shoes and leather jacket before sitting beside me, his arm around my shoulders, encouraging me into his chest.

I rested my head against his chest and refocused on the television, pushing today’s events out of my head to make room for the new thoughts about all of these lifestyle changes we were desperately in need of making.

“I love you,” he murmured, pressing his lips to the top of my head. “I’m sorry.”

“John-“

“I know you don’t want to talk about it, but you deserve an apology regardless.” He said firmly, yet keeping his voice low and soft.

I lifted my head ever so slightly and pecked him on the lips. “I love you too.”

***

The following morning I woke up in bed with my head resting on a shirtless O’Callaghan chest and my arm around his waist. I looked up at him and noticed him looking down at me, his eyes tracing my face.

“Morning,” he mumbled, his voice raspy as hell like it was every morning (causing total suicide to my insides).

“Morning,” I mumbled back, looking back down.

“Can we talk?” he asked softly. The blinds on the windows were open and just enough sunlight was shining down onto our white sheets.

I nodded.

“I’m so sorry for hurting you,” he said firmly, “it’s not going to happen again and I can promise you that because Jared’s forcing me to go to anger management classes.”

I raised an eyebrow. “How did he manage that?”

“He said if I didn’t, it would jeopardize the band’s future, and my relationship with you.” He said honestly. Band before relationship, surprise, surprise. “And when I bring it up with my counselor she’ll just tell me to go as well.”

I nodded confidently. “I accept your apology because this time you’re doing something about it.” I said.

“I’m so sorry, love.” He sighed, pressing his lips to my hair. “I’m so damn sorry.”

“I know you are,” I responded quietly. “And when you get back, we’re making changes. You’re going
to live a healthier life. We’re going to try and go for morning runs so you can start your day fresh,” I explained, rubbing his stomach soothingly. “You’re going to smoke less, and you’re going to try and cut out the alcohol.”

I felt him tense beneath me but was strong on those choices. I know the smoking was a stress reliever for him, but it was also killing him and I believed it was also making him anxious and paranoid sometimes. The healthier he lived, the better he’d feel. Plus, the alcohol was a must.

“I’ll give it a try.” He nodded bravely. “It’ll take work, though.”

“I’m not going anywhere.” I replied. “We’ll get you through this, bub.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too.” I mumbled (though I wish he would stop saying that), leaning up to kiss his cheek. “This is for your health. I know smoking and drinking is a part of John O’Callaghan, but right now isn’t the right time for all of that.”

“I totally get it darlin’,” he nodded, sounding somewhat saddened by the news. “Which is why I’m willing to try.”

“That’s good to hear.” I murmured, burying my face into his bare chest. He didn’t have chest hair, which I thought was kind of cute, to be honest, as it took him ages to grow facial hair too, although his hair did grow quite quickly and he sported the mullet quite a bit if he didn’t have time to get it cut.

“Enough about that though.” He mumbled, “This is our last day together for a week and I don’t want it to be all about me.”

I rolled over onto my stomach and looked up at him. “What should we do today?”

He wrapped his arms around my waist and pulled me up onto him. I winced slightly as his hands pressed against my bruising. “You wanna go get coffee?”

“Starbucks?” I mumbled.

He nodded, pressing his lips to my forehead. “Sounds good,” he murmured, “I love you, and I think you’re gorgeous.”

“What?” I chuckled, blushing under his lips.

“I think you’re beautiful, and terribly compassionate. I’m an asshole but you’re so good to me,” he murmured, moving so he was hovering over me. “And don’t think I take that for granted for a second.”

“I love you,” I mumbled, closing my eyes. “I don’t think you’re an asshole.”

“You didn’t tell anyone I pushed you, did you?” He asked softly, “because you know it was an accident, right?”

I opened my eyes as I felt his lips on my neck. Oh god. “Of course not babe,” I murmured.

“Good, I kind of want to keep everything between the two of us- I feel like it’s our responsibility to sort our problems, and not let our friends interfere with our relationship.” He mumbled.

I nodded. “Of course.”

Spilling to Eric and Jac was between the three of us, and I made a mental note later to shoot them a text. He didn’t need to know about that. I was moving past the incident. This was my choice and in no way was it any type of ‘fear’ of him. He was my boyfriend, I loved him, he was the person I lived with, shared a bed with, was planning on sharing the rest of my life with. He was my person.

If you couldn’t stand by your person through these kinds of things, what good were you in lasting the rest of your life with them?