Don't Give Up (On Me)

Hangovers from hell just seemed to be in style for me, it seemed. This hangover was a whole lot worse than yesterdays’ hangover, however. Probably because I’d finished the whole bottle by myself and was stupid enough to do it on the night before I had to go to work the following day. But this hangover was also an emotional struggle.

When I woke up the following day, I had multiple messages from everyone at work, plus a text from John.

John: Why did you call at one in the morning? I was sleeping.

I cringed as the memories of my minor break down came rushing back to me. I looked to my other side to find my laptop open and the screen dark. I swiped my finger over the track pad and the screen lit up, illuminating itself to show me exactly what I’d been searching last night.

Living conditions in another state. I don’t know if that was because of the alcohol or the buried lust for escape. I went with the booze and shut the webpage down, closing my laptop and pushing it away from me. I picked up my phone and ignored John’s message, going straight to the ones from my colleagues at work. I panicked when I glanced at the time, to see I was three hours late for work.

I let out an exhausted groan. There was no way I was going in looking and feeling like this. Lennon had sent me a message saying that they’d gotten in and gone on with where they left off yesterday, plus he’d also taken the initiative to act in my role and give Caleb a bunch of jobs, before promising some quality time to develop his skills.

I sent a reply explaining my current situation and thanking him for everything. With that, I fell back down into bed and shut my eyes, hoping to be taken away to another place. John was coming home tomorrow so I needed to take advantage of my time alone as best I could before that chance timed out.

This day was a needed mental health day and I wasn’t going to throw it out the window.

***

Saturday.

My alarm pulled me awake at seven, the time John said he’d be back with the guys. I was meant to go
pick him up at Tim’s, supposedly heading over there at ten to seven to be there in time. But now I was late and he was probably pissed off, which was all I needed. It took so much strength to pull myself out of bed, but I managed to do so, throwing on a simple black dress and a pair of flip flops as I rushed out the door, not worrying too much about my appearance.

When I got to Tim’s place, I found him waiting on the porch with Lydia, Parker and Tate, while he held his baby niece in his arms to greet Pat, considering he didn’t have a girlfriend to greet him…I guess he’d just have to share Garrett’s.

I climbed out of John’s truck (knowing he’d want me to drive that so he could drive it back) and greeted them all on the porch, silently hugging Tate so nobody would grow suspicious.

“You glad to get him back?” Parker chuckled, pulling away.

I nodded, rolling my eyes. “I haven’t heard from him since Tuesday.”

“Oh really?” Lydia frowned slightly. “Kennedy called me every night.”

“So did Jared,” Parker nodded. “Kept asking about the dog.”

“Oh well you know John, he devotes everything into his music.” I mused, standing back from the conversation a little.

“How’s the new intern going?” Tim asked, as he shifted Sophia in his arms. She was an adorable little girl, taking on a lot of the Kirch features, especially those big brown eyes. I wonder if that’s what drew Tate in to Pat. Pat had been single for a while, and I wanted to be happy that he’d found someone, it’s just that his someone already had a someone, and it wasn’t right.

“It’s going quite well actually.” I nodded. “He’s young, fresh and ready to get his hands dirty, y’know?”

“Tate was telling me,” Tim nodded, to which Tate looked up.

“What?” She asked, joining our conversation.

“I was just talking to Leighton about the new intern,” Tim said. “He being good?”

Tate nodded with a small smile. “He’s great to work with. It’s good to have a fresh face in the studio.”

Just like it’s good to have a fresh face in bed, huh?

We traded an uncomfortable glance that Tim didn’t seem to notice as he kept on speaking about the work and the merch and what not. Keeping up the act was hard, as I had to force myself not to threw back a rude comment regarding the ‘issue’ she’d got me involved in.

“There they are!” Lydia squealed, tugging on Parker’s arm as the boys’ van pulled up.

“Woa calm down, Lyd.” Tim chuckled, patting her on the back, Sophia following his actions and doing the same.

“I’m just excited to have my running buddy back.” She pouted, sending Tim a look. “Sue me.”

I watched as they all climbed out of the van, smiling as they walked up once grabbing their stuff from the boot. I noticed John had sat in the passenger seat, which didn’t surprise me, considering he was paranoid about the back seat for some God-only-knows reason.

He was the last one to trail up the stairs behind the guys, who immediately when to their significant others for hugs. I watched as Garrett approached Tate with a smile, and was greeted with one. The same one that went over his shoulder to a certain boy who returned a smaller, more subtle smile that continued to a certain little girl.

I was pulled away from their embrace when I felt someone stop in front of me. I looked up to see that crooked smile gleaming back down at me. “Hey,” I crooned softly.

His smile dropped as his eyes hit the floor. “Wait, you wore those shoes when you drove my truck?”

I frowned, looking down at my flip flops. “Uh, what?”

“Do you know how dangerous it is to drive in those shoes? Do you know how many accidents happen because of flip flops?” He scoffed quietly. “The last thing I need is you in an accident, totaling my car.”

Oh wow, nice to see you too.

I looked up at him, too tired to argue. “I missed you.” I said, wrapping my arms around him. I felt him soften under my touch, loosely wrapping his arms around my waist. “A lot.”

“I missed you too,” he mumbled half-heartedly. “You eaten yet?”

“No,” I shook my head, tightening my grip on his bony hips. “And you haven’t either, by the feel of it.”

“C’mon, let’s go get breakfast.” He said, kissing me quickly and taking my hand. “We’ll see you guys later.” He called to the others.

“Oh yeah, good to see you too man.” Tim scoffed.

John playfully rolled his eyes. “Yeah, yeah. I’ll catch up with you later, man.” He chuckled, “Catch you guys later.”

We said our goodbyes (mine more sincere than John’s) before climbing into his truck (he drove) and headed off in search of food. He held my hand dominantly between us as he drove. We sat in silence, and I couldn’t help but feel like crap as he didn’t speak a word.

“So what do you feel like?” I asked gently, looking over at him. “I didn’t bring my purse-“

“Nah I’ve got it,” he insisted. “I’m the boyfriend, I pay.”

He never forgot the meaning of chivalry, something that won me over with him at the start.

“That’s sweet of you,” I prompted, leaning back against the seat, trying to get some nicer emotion out of him. “I missed you.”

“You’ve said that already.” He chuckled, not taking his eyes off the road.

“Well I just missed you a lot,” I pouted, “you only called me once.”

He let out a sigh, running a hand through his hair. “The guys and I were really busy, babe.”

“They all seemed to call the girls every day.” I mumbled nonchalantly, pulling my hand away and looking towards the window.

“Yeah but I’m not as pathetic as them-“

“Oh so calling your girlfriend more than once is pathetic?” I scoffed, crossing my arms. “Let’s just go home.”

“Leighton,” he sighed, “that’s not what I meant.”

“Whatever, just take me home,” I muttered, “I’ll make us something.”

“Babe,” he pushed, “just hear me out-“

“Do you know how many accidents are caused from arguments?” I snapped, ending my conversation with him.

He didn’t say another word until we got home, and I’d moved into the kitchen to find something for breakfast.

“Leighton I’m sorry,” he murmured gently, “I didn’t mean it like that. I sure as hell didn’t mean to upset you either.”

“Just drop it, John,” I sighed, running a hand through my hair. I didn’t want him to come home and us be fighting straight away. I needed him to just…be there for me. I was too tired to fight.

I felt him approach me and wrap his arms around my waist, pulling me against him. I hadn’t had him hold me so tightly in almost a week, I was vulnerable and fragile and ultimately pathetic. I didn’t have a chance against his touch and I think right now he knew that, using it to his advantage.

He lifted me up onto the kitchen bench and stood between my legs, his mouth moving to my neck almost immediately. “I’m sorry darlin’.” He murmured, his voice vibrating against my neck.

“It’s okay, just forget it,” I groaned, tipping my head back as his teeth nipped at my skin. I ran a hand through his hair, tugging when I got to the back of his neck. He definitely needed a haircut, soon.

“I got side tracked and I just wanted to stay focused.” He explained. “That’s all I meant.”

I nodded slightly, cupping his face and bringing his mouth to mine. “Alright, I just felt lonely is all.” I mumbled, parting his lips with my words and kissing him firmly. I needed him. I needed that human connection.

“Well I’m home now,” he murmured. “You wanna show me how much you missed me?”

What else do you say to that?

****

I woke up a few hours later in John’s arms. I almost forgot I’d picked him up that morning and was close to freaking out due to the second body in our bed. When I opened my eyes, he was already awake, looking down at me in silence.

“Afternoon,” he chuckled, pressing his lips against my forehead.

My eyes widened. “It’s still Saturday, right?”

He nodded, wrapping his arms tighter around my bare body. “2 o’clock.”

“I don’t wanna get up,” I mumbled, burying my face into his chest, my eyes suffocating with tanned skin and dark colored ink.

“We can get up later,” he nodded, “Let’s just lay here for a while.”

I didn’t move, his suggestion a lot more appealing than the thought of leaving this bed, or this room for that matter. Instead, I let my eyes wander over his skin, glazing over every scar, every bruise (he had a few of those, scattered over his body- a side effect from the medication) every imperfection. “You handle your medication alright?” I asked softly.

I felt his head move in confirmation. “Yeah, you put it in that container with the boxes for everyday. Completely idiot proof.”

“So you didn’t handle it alright?” I teased.

His fingers gripped my hips and he nipped at my nose dramatically. “Take that back,” he smirked.

“John!” I squealed, pushing him off of me, without losing the sheet. “I take it back!”

“That’s what I thought.” He smirked, pressing his lips to my forehead as we fell into a comforting silence.
“Hey…so I was thinking,” he started slowly, bringing me back into a conscious state.

I looked up at him, draping my arm across his smooth chest. “Mm?”

“I was thinking, do you reckon we should go away?” He asked softly, as if to throw out a random thought, one he hadn’t thought through for very long. He didn’t exactly word it well enough for me not to become confused, so I voiced this to him and felt him shift under me.

“What do you mean ‘go away’?” I asked, eyeing him suspiciously.

He shrugged. “Y’know…like…away.”

“What like a vacation? Or a trip somewhere?” I suggested, pushing for an answer.

He shrugged again, but nodded, tightening his arms around me. “Like a trip. I was thinking about it when we were out in the desert…we could go for a week, or even a few days. New York? Or Maine even…somewhere on the East coast maybe.”

“Like for Christmas?” I asked, already thinking about how nice it would be to spend Christmas together, just the two of us. But then again, I always went to my parents for Christmas. Because John and I got together at the start of December, we didn’t spend it together so this would be our first.

“No, just…like tomorrow, next week…I don’t know, it was just a thought.” He mumbled.

I winced. “I can’t John…I have work. The new line is kicking my ass- plus we have an intern now and I can’t just leave him so soon-“

“No it’s cool baby, I get it.” John murmured, his lips moving against my forehead. “I understand.”

“Maybe over the Christmas holidays we could go away.” I suggested, liking the idea of some quality time with him. If it was anything like this morning, I was all in. “New York is always gorgeous over Christmas.”

“That’d be nice,” he nodded softly. “Just you and me…”

“Sounds good then,” I nodded, turning onto my stomach and leaning up to kiss him on his thin lips. His arms snaked around my waist as he pulled me onto him, my legs falling on either side of his hips. I groaned when his lips moved to my neck, his teeth pulling on my skin. “John…” My hands moved to his waist, sliding to his front, when his hands suddenly grabbed mine, reminding me of the incident before he left.

“N-no,” he murmured, “you can’t do it like that, darlin’, don’t touch me there.”

I opened my eyes as his lips resumed to my neck like it hadn’t happened. I decided to push my luck. “Why?”

He stopped suddenly, pulling back with a frown. “What?”

“Why don’t you like being touched there?” I asked innocently, my fingers lingering on his extremely prominent hip bones.

“B-bad experience,” he mumbled, groaning under my touch. “Doesn’t turn me on.”

I didn’t expect him to be so honest. I would’ve thought he’d come up with some kind of lie. To be honest, I think it was just him being too caught up in the moment to care about giving me a proper explanation. “Tell me about it-“

“Leighton…” He groaned, his head tipping back into the pillow. Alright, so I guess we wouldn’t be talking about that right now. The only topic he wanted to discuss was my name being moaned from his lips.

They say some people never change.

***

“Alright babe, we gotta get up.”

I groaned, shaking my head in the pillow. “No…John…” I whined childishly, refusing to move as I felt him leave the bed.

“Darlin’, it’s dinner time.” He chuckled, his large hand appearing on my back, caressing me soothingly.

“What time is it?” I yawned, sitting up, holding the sheet to my chest. I noticed the sun was setting
outside so guessed it was around-

“Twenty to six.” He responded. “You hungry? We haven’t eaten all day.”

I shrugged and nodded. “Yeah you wanna go out and get something to eat?”

He nodded, a small smile growing on his lips. “It’s good to be home.”
His smile was contagious so naturally it found itself on my own lips. I missed him a lot the other night so to hear those words gave me a better piece of mind.

“It’s good to-“ I stopped when I noticed it. It wasn’t too big, but it was big enough to stop my thoughts and derail my response to his statement. There, on his fore arm, was a small burn. Not something from the sun, nor the oven, but a small, almost half-moon shaped burn you’d get from a cigarette. It only caught me out because it was a strange place to find a cigarette burn if not done with a purpose.

“You okay?” He asked with a slight frown as he stood to pull some clothes on.

“Yeah,” I nodded slowly, sitting up and doing the same. I couldn’t help but notice the next burn just above the waistline of his boxers. Coincidental accident? For some reason, I couldn’t buy it. But I kept my mouth shut and got out of bed, pulling some clean clothes on before heading into the bathroom to fix my hair and make-up. “What do you feel like for dinner?”

“I’m easy,” he called back from our wardrobe. I wonder what those burns would be doing on his body.

Was there a reason they lingered on his perfectly smooth skin? Why would he have cigarette burns on his hips? And on his arm?

It just didn’t make sense.

***

“I’ve never been here before.” John spoke up, taking a bite of his meal. We were at some Japanese
restaurant I’d been to with Tate one time when the guys were out of state for something, and I’d been meaning to bring John here ever since.

“How’s your sushi?” I asked, looking up from my own dish.

“It’s good,” he nodded, “best I’ve ever had, I think.”

“That’s good, I thought you’d like this place.” I said with a small smile as I felt his foot rub against my ankle under the table.

“I like you more,” he murmured, losing eye contact and looking down at his meal, the typical O’Callaghan smirk gracing his lips. “I missed you, a lot…I missed…earlier especially.”

I blushed, shoving his foot with my own. “Shut up.”

“So,” he spoke up, “someone’s turning twenty two on Thursday.”

I shook my head quickly. “We’re not doing anything on my birthday.”

His smile dropped and he sent me a look. “Oh come on-“

“No,”

“Leighton, you took me out camping, you brought back all our early memories and you did something special or us. Of course I’m going to do something for you.” He pouted, really pushing it.

I sent him a look back. “I’m too stressed and busy to do anything, John.”

“Thursday is your day off, we can do something relaxing.” He suggested.

“I was planning on going into work on Thursday,” I lied. I really didn’t want to do anything for my birthday so if I had to lie in order to get away from whatever he had in mind, so be it. Maybe I’d just hide out at Austin and Hilary’s all day. “Really John, don’t even worry about it.”

“Leighton-“

“John,” I interrupted quickly, almost glaring at him. “We’ll get take out or something-“

“Oh yeah right,” he scoffed, shaking his head at me. “After all the shit you’ve been through, you really think I’m going to get ‘take out’ for your birthday? You deserve so much more than that.”

“I don’t want much more than that, babe,” I insisted, “seriously, we can lay in bed and watch Twin Peaks for all I care.”

He looked at me, his lingering gaze making me uncomfortable. “You’re impossible, y’know that?”

A smirk grew on my lips. “Shut up,”

“I love you,” he chuckled, reaching across to grab my hand again. “I can’t believe you’re finally turning twenty two.”

“How old were you when we got together?” I asked, furrowing my eyebrows as I tried to think back to our first December.

“Twenty three, you were twenty, remember?” He nodded, finishing off his last piece of sushi before looking up at me with a look of realization on his face. “Oh shit, our anniversary is coming up in
December.”

“Three months away,” I nodded, “two years.”

“Shit,” he mumbled.

“It’s not that long, if you think about it.” I mused.

He shrugged, putting his chopsticks down on the table and wiping his mouth with the napkin he’d placed on his lap. “It’s the longest relationship I’ve ever been in.” He mumbled.

So badly I wanted to ask about ‘it’, but I knew that was Eric said was right. I had to get over it and not ‘worry’ so much about him. I had to let him be the twenty five year old that he was now.

“And the best, no doubt.” I smirked, playing off the serious note I knew was looming overhead.

He looked up and shot me the same smirk. “Duh, best sex ever.”

I rolled my eyes playfully and kicked him in the shin under the table. “We’re at a nice restaurant, behave.”

He leaned across the table and placed his hand on the back of neck, pulling me forward so he could press his lips against mine. “I love you more than I love that old Tom Waits album from my dad.”

I jutted out my bottom lip, shooting him my puppy dog eyes. In our relationship, that was kind of a big deal. The ‘love you more than’, not the puppy dog eyes. His puppy dog eyes killed me, especially when his thin lower lip pushed out…he knew how to wrap me around his little finger, that’s for sure.

“I love you more than that Bright Eyes album,” I murmured back, kissing him quickly before he leaned back in his seat.

“I did miss you,” he said, looking into my eyes. “I didn’t call every day, but I did miss you.”

“Yeah?”

“You’re my other half, baby.”

“I love you.”

“I love you too. C’mon, let’s go get ice cream.”

And to think I sometimes questioned him.

***

Sunday was very much the same as Saturday. After a morning run, we got back home and made a healthy juice with our juicer that hadn’t been used in quite a while, before showering together and ending up on the couch watching some old movie from the late eighties.

“That run felt really good,” John commented, looking over at me. He looked stupidly cute in just his boxer briefs and super baggy sweater. He’d shoved his big feet into his slipper boots before draping a comforter over us. The colder weather had hit quite hard as we made it to the final months of the year, forcing myself into my winter clothes. Being quite thin, we tended to feel the cold a lot easier, meaning we had to rug up a little more, hence the reason I was wearing the biggest sweater I could find…paired with a fresh pair of gym shorts.

Yeah okay, we weren’t exactly the wisest dressers.

“It releases positive endorphins, that’s probably why.” I threw back.

“Hey, you know how I’m starting anger management therapy?” He spoke, bringing up something I thought he’d probably purposely forget about.

I looked over at him, letting him know he had my full attention.

“They do a mens boxing class every Monday and Thursday night. It only goes for an hour, but I was gonna go to the two classes every week.” John mused, throwing the idea out there. “Austin used to go when he was a teenager, after his family fell apart.”

“It sounds like it could help.” I nodded, leaning over and kissing him on the cheek. “I know you don’t want to hear it, but I’m proud of you for making that kind of decision, John.”

He nodded silently before refocusing on the television in front of us. “I’m gonna put Pulp Fiction on, this movie is boring me to the shits.”

The moment we started to move into deeper territory, he’d get up and cut off the conversation. I can’t say that I didn’t expect that kind of response, but I thought he’d come to some sort of epiphany while he was away and realize how open with me had to become.

I guess some people never change.

When he leant over in front of the DVD player, his shorts rose on the back of his legs, allowing yet another small red scar to appear on the back of his left thigh. It was smaller than the others, but it was still there, staring me in the face, taunting me, pushing me to ask.

“So how are those scratches on your arm?” I blurted out. While I was kicking myself for giving in and overstepping the mental boundary I thought I could trust myself not to cross, I was thankful I hadn’t brought up another issue.

He stood once slipping the disc into the player, turning around to face me. He looked down at his arm and lifted his sleeve. You could probably fit three arms up at that sleeve by the size of his skinny wrists. I could see that the light scratches were almost invisible, which was pleasing enough. “Yeah, I think I just freaked out that one night. Don’t sweat it, darlin’.”

Oh right, because that was so easy.

I held my arms out to him, waiting for him to return back to the couch. “C’mere,”

He tilted his head to the side, a sloppy grin growing on his lips. “You’re absolutely adorable, y’know that?”

I dropped my arms and sent him a look. “Seriously? You’re the one that looks fucking cute.” I scoffed, almost fangirling over his attire. “Wait hold on.” I mumbled, before reaching to the coffee table beside the couch and grabbing my phone, opening the notorious app that eliminates and form of privacy in the modern world. “Smile.”

He rolled his eyes and brought his hands up to cover his face. “Babe…” he whined.

“Babe…” I whined back, mocking him almost as I took the picture and uploaded it onto Instagram.
“Okay, now you can c’mere.”

He threw me a look before walking over and dropping down beside me on the couch, kissing my cheek before snuggling up under the comforter. “Love you, girl.”

“Love you too.” I murmured, kissing his cheek and sitting back.

@lei_johnson: more than that bright eyes album @thefifthjohn