Can You Chase Away the Darkness ?

Carson’s POV

I was so stupid. I had let my emotions get the best of me, and had made a stupid decision. It was wrong of me to let my feelings get in the way, and now I was going to hurt Vic. I had lead him on, and now, if confronted with the question of “Do you like me ?” I would lie and tell him no. I just couldn’t do this again, because if I broke apart, this time I wouldn’t be able to put myself back together again.

I couldn’t do that to myself or my family again, and I didn’t want to hurt Vic even more. It was better to break it off now, before things got too deep….a clean break. I felt horrible for leading him on…but wait, is it still leading someone on if you really like them ? This was starting to stress me out so much, because I had no idea what to do. Should I try for it, or shy away from it ? I spent a long time pondering it up in my room, just staring out the window in silence. I finally emerged from my room to get some fresh air and smoke a cigarette. Smoking was an easier habit to get into than I’d originally thought. I made a mental note to cut back a little. The smoke helped calm me down physically, but mentally it sent my mind racing. It just made me think of Vic even more, and our night at the park. I couldn’t deny that I had felt something that night. Hell, I had felt something from the moment I laid eyes on him. So why was I trying so hard to convince myself that my feelings didn’t mean anything ? Why was I trying so hard become close to him and then push him away ?

Against my better judgment once again, I texted Vic, nervously awaiting his reply.

“Hey Vic, want to meet up ?”

“Sure give me a few. Got anything in mind ?”

“Just wanted to talk…”

“Sounds scary ”

“Meet me at the corner in ten minutes ?”

“Fifteen and you’ve got a deal.”

“Deal.”

I nervously retreated back to my room, trying to calm down. I fixed myself up and finally just went back to the porch to wait. I refused to let myself smoke anymore, so I sat tapping my feet and staring at the clock. Five minutes before we were supposed to meet, I headed down the street toward the corner. When I reached it, I made myself look in the opposite direction to distract me. Not too long after I’d gotten there, I heard him approaching. I inhaled a deep, shivering breath and turned to face him. I gave him a weak smile and a small wave. “Hey Carson.” He took in my expression and body language, but didn’t say anything. Vic pulled out his own pack of cigarettes and shook them slightly at me, then indicated the direction of the park. “Wanna go talk there ?” he suggested quietly, faking a smile and pretending he didn’t know anything was wrong. I was good at percepting those kinds of things, and he was getting as uncomfortable as me. I quietly agreed, and we made our way slowly and silently.

I stayed far from him as we walked, trying to gather up my courage. I still hadn’t made up my mind whether I was going to tell him I had feelings for him or break it off, and I was on the verge of a panic attack. I avoided glancing at him for fear of breaking down, instead focusing on my feet.

He entered the park just ahead of me, not turning around. He headed to the play-scape like last time, and heaved himself up. I followed suit, the silence around us weighing heavily on me. Vic remained standing, and so did I. He leaned back against the rail on the bridge where we had almost kissed. He started to pull out a cigarette, and I blurted out “Wait !” Vic looked at me expectantly. “I, uh, I have to tell you something…I don’t um….I don’t want this ?” My voice was shaky and came out sounding like a question. Now that the words had come out, it was a little easier to say what I really meant. I began again “I don’t want to hang out anymore..” His eyes went wide, like that was the last thing he had been expecting me to say. “You don’t sound so sure….” He said in a low voice. I burst into tears “I-I’m s-sorryyyy !” I started to turn and walk quickly away, but he grabbed my shoulders lightly. He pulled me against him, “Carson, what’s going on ?” He sounded genuinely concerned, but hell, I had thought Jacob was genuine too. I sobbed harder, trying not to breath in his scent, because that would just make this harder. “Just tell me what’s wrong, Carson. I can see you’re lying, why ? I really like you, okay ? And I care about you a lot, and you aren’t making sense and I just….Let me help.”

Vic sat down and pulled me down too, cross legged facing him. He held my hand in between us, the other one in his lap, gripping his jeans. He peered at me from under my curtain of hair “Please ?”
For some reason, I trusted Vic more than anyone else. I barely knew him, but I felt like I’d known him for a very long time. I had never felt that with anyone before, and it made me feel oddly comforted. Things didn’t feel rushed or forced with him, and so I ended up spilling my past to him. It was fading to dusk and getting chilly, but it was like we were in our own little world. I told him everything; about my anxiety, Jacob, and my hospital visits. I told him why we had moved here, and about my reluctance to let him in. He listened patiently, not saying a word, as I spoke sadly with tears running down my face. I could see the understanding flood his eyes now, and his amber eyes looked into mine intensely. He squeezed my hand, “Carson. I would never, ever hurt you. I’ll protect you, and so will the guys. I fucking promise you, nothing bad is going to happen to you ever again if I can help it. You’re amazing, and gorgeous, and worth so much more than that. You deserve the best, and if you’ll let me, I want to try and give that to you. I’m not pressuring you, make your own decision, but I want you to know all of that. If you do decide that you want a relationship with me, I want to wait until you feel comfortable. Take however long you need, I’ll wait for you, Carson.”

We stared at each other for a minute, and I let his words sink in. Suddenly his face broke into a wide smile, and his eyes lit up, looking past me. “Look .” he whispered, pulling me to my feet, pointing at the sky. We stood leaning against the railing, gazing in wonder at the sunset. The horizon made a perfect setting sun, the clouds streaked with gold rays. The sky was layered with shades of red, orange, pink, and pale yellow, tossing light rays in every direction. The sky brightened quickly before the sun disappeared altogether, slipping beneath the horizon.

The atmosphere was quiet, but almost seemed to crackle. The sky turned a light lavender, the wind blowing and the air thick. I watched Vic as he stared up at the sky, mesmerized. His eyes were wide and childlike, and he reached up as if to touch the clouds. I tentatively put my arms around him, trying to subtly show him that I trusted him. At that moment, I tried to let it go and just live in the right now. I didn't know what would happen in the future, but being there with Vic, nothing else seemed to matter. I still wasn’t sure if this was going to work out, but I figured that maybe I should give it a try. Victor Fuentes was worth a shot, and I couldn’t deny that I wanted him. Maybe I wasn’t good enough for him, but I was too much of a selfish machine to let him go.
Letting Vic go would be worse than never trying at all.

“Because the worst failure, even the worst, beats the hell out of never trying.”

“Because no matter how bad something is hurting us, sometimes letting go hurts even more.”

“The ties that bind us are sometimes impossible to explain. The connect us even after it seems like the bond should be broken. Some bonds defy logic and time and distance; because some ties are simply meant to be.