Inside Out

Outside the Islanders’ dressing room everything was quiet. Girlfriends and families stood around the door, huddled together like a team of their own while I stood off to the side, pressed up against the wall on the opposite side of the door. Just being this deep inside the Coliseum felt weird and put me a little off balance. I felt out of place, like I should have left right after the final horn.

But I didn’t have it in me to turn and run now. John made it obvious he was interested and now it was my turn to do the same, even if that involved standing around and suffering through thick awkward tension. Even as I directed my attention to the cement floor I could feel eyes on me, I could feel the unasked questions lingering in the air. The suspense was mounting, building with each breath until it felt like something was going to pop and someone was going to ask who I was and whether or not I was lost or aware that this hall was for players, personnel, or family only.

It bubbled over as the door finally shoved open to reveal Kyle Okposo followed quickly by Evgeni Nabokov and a few other Islanders. I watched as the crowd around the door thinned and people filed out of the locker room and down the hall to where I assumed the players exit was. After the first rush the space between player exits grew longer and longer as coaches and people in suits came out instead.

My stomach tied itself in knots as the time passed and John was still nowhere to be found. There were just two other girls in the hall now – one I recognized from some of the Islanders’ better halves events and one that I didn’t. Two minutes and then you can leave, then you’ll have waited long enough, I told myself as I forced my gaze to the wall next to the door. The orange and blue stripes were already fading and I couldn’t help but let out a soft, bitter laugh. They renovated two years ago and the paint was already fading a little.

It made the knots in my stomach tighten, a little reminder that even though I didn’t want the Islanders to change venues, they were still moving to Brooklyn in a year or two. While not terribly far away and still technically on Long Island, the move felt more like they were leaving for another galaxy. Sighing, I closed my eyes and tilted my head back against the wall.

“Brenna! Hey!” My eyes popped open as I stood up a little straighter. John was standing in front of me now, the top button of his shirt undone and his tie hanging loosely around his neck.

Licking my lips, I opened my mouth to speak but nothing came out. He looked good in a snapback but now, standing in front of me with wet, messy hair, and the disheveled state of his suit, it just made him that much more attractive. And I couldn’t speak.

“Are you ready to go?” John asked, his lips twitching like he wanted to laugh at me. I rolled my eyes as I nodded, praying that my voice would find it back to me before we got out to wherever we were going. “Did you like your seat?”

“Y-yeah,” I nodded as I choked out a cough to clear my throat. “Um, sorry,” I laughed again. “But no, it was a great seat. Even if I was surrounded by Bruins fans.”

“Are you alright?” John asked as he pulled me to a stop just before we reached the exit. He looked genuinely concerned and his hand was on my forehead and then my cheek before I could confess that I was just mildly embarrassed that his appearance rendered me speechless. “You feel a little warm.”

“Um, yeah, no, I’m fine,” I muttered as his hand fell away. “It was just kind of crowded in the hallway for awhile there.”

John looked hesitant to believe me but he nodded and pushed the door open. The cool air was a refreshing change and I quickly sucked in a gulp of it to quell my rising nerves. We walked in silence for a little, navigating the mostly dark parking lot with ease. With each second that ticked off the clock I felt more comfortable, more like I could actually spend time with John and not make a total fool out of myself.

“Do you want to get some food or do you have to be somewhere?” John asked as we came to a stop next to a dark Range Rover. He pressed a button and then leaned over me to open up the passenger door. “Because I can bring you back to school if you need to get back.”

I did need to get back; I had a class in the morning. But instead I found myself shaking my head as I climbed into his car. “We can get food, I’m going to stay at my parents’ house in Massapequa tonight.”

John smiled as he shut the door before walking around to get in the driver’s seat. “Sushi okay with you?” He asked as he started up the car.

“You don’t strike me as a sushi kind of guy,” I laughed as I tugged the seatbelt across my chest and clicked it into place. “But that’s fine with me. I’m not a real picky eater.”

“I’m not usually,” John admitted as we turned out of the Coliseum parking lot. “But it’s the middle of the season and I had steak with Grabs the other night.”

I nodded, quietly admiring his complete and total dedication to the game. I could only imagine how most guys ate during the season, assuming that because they were skating every day whether it be game or practice that it was fine. But teams hired nutritionists not because they were worried about their guys gaining weight but because of how different kinds of food affect your body.

The car lapsed into silence as we drove and I couldn’t help but wonder whether or not I’d look like a total idiot wherever we were going. John was in a suit and I was wearing jeans and a t-shirt under one of my brother’s many University of Wisconsin hockey sweatshirts. If we were going somewhere even a little high end then I was either going to be refused entry for not following the dress code or stick out like a sore thumb.

“So where are we going anyway?” I asked, unable to handle the silence anymore.

John laughed as he flicked on the radio, his thumb barely grazing over a button on the steering wheel. “You’ll see when we get there.”

Rolling my eyes, I crossed my arms over my chest and turned my attention to the world outside the car window. While our silence in the parking lot wasn’t awkward, this silence was very awkward. I felt constrained in the car, trapped with nowhere to go and nothing to say. I wanted to say something funny and witty, something that would make me stand out but nothing was coming to mind.

We pulled into a parking lot before I could think of anything. John paused in his seat after parking and killing the engine, his fingers tugging at the tie around his neck. I couldn’t help but laugh as he tugged left and then right, somehow tightening the tie rather than getting it loose. Unbuckling my seatbelt, I leaned over and grabbed the tie from his fingers.

By the time I realized what I was doing John’s tie was well on its way to being loose enough for him to slip over his neck. But I was frozen, my green eyes locked on his brown ones, just a few inches away from mine. I could feel his breath on my face, fanning out over my nose and cheeks with every exhale. Something inside of me was screaming for me to get a better grip on his tie, to pull him close and kiss him senseless. Instead, I gave a final tug on the tie and then lifted it over his head and handed it to him.

As soon as he took it the spell was broken and we crashed back to earth. My heart was racing in my chest as warmth spread through my body. The moment was broken and John was acting like it didn’t even happen. He slipped out of his suit jacket and tossed it into the backseat before slipping out of the car. Following suit, I hopped out and trailed him into the restaurant – a little hole-in-the-wall joint I’d never even noticed or heard of before.

From the outside it didn’t look like much but inside was a much classier place than I was expecting. The lighting was dim, and it was a buffet style place, with tons of seating. There were people scattered around and a low hum of people talking ran throughout the restaurant but it was nice and it made me feel better about eating raw fish.

“So how is it you know about this place but I’ve lived around here all my life and I’ve never heard of it before?” I asked after we grabbed a seat in the back of the restaurant.

John shrugged. “Maybe you just haven’t been adventurous before.” For a moment I thought he was being serious, that he was making an asshole-ish comment until he smirked.

“You’re horrible,” I laughed, gently kicking him under the table. And just like that the awkward tension dissipated.

---

I forgot how filling sushi could be. Between the two of us we must have gone up to the buffet table at least ten times. And when the time came John snatched up the check and paid, completely ignoring my protests that he at least let me take care of the tip. It was easy being around him, especially when he actually indulged me when I accidentally slipped into the one thing I told myself I wouldn’t talk about around him: hockey.

“Left here you said?” John asked as he rolled to a four way stop.

“And then it’s the third one on the right.”

We talked about everything from his time in juniors and playing for Canada to what his favorite movie was or why Anchorman was Will Ferrell’s best movie, not Step Brothers. But as soon as we got into the car we lapsed into a comfortable silence for the ten-minute drive to Massapequa. It was nice but I couldn’t help but wonder if I’d said something wrong or if because I wasn’t wearing my sassy, confident pants I wasn’t as interesting.

“This is me,” I sighed as we pulled up to my parents’ home.

“Thank you,” John murmured as I unbuckled my seatbelt. “It’s nice to just be me for awhile. That was nice.”

Nice? Nice sounded a lot like a bad thing but I couldn’t bring myself to comment on it. Instead, I gave John my best smile and reached for the handle. But before I could open the door John’s hand was on my wrist and he was tugging me to him. Our noses bumped and our teeth clashed but we both laughed. I opened my mouth to say ‘maybe next time’ or something but John leveled me with a hard stare and it felt like the air was sucked from the car again.

John pulled me in gently this time, tugging me uncomfortably over the center console. The anticipation made my heart race and the hairs on my arm stand on end. I wanted to wait for him to make the move but I couldn’t help but rush forward and close the gap between us. His lips felt heavenly against mine and I wanted to fall into it, to get lost in his touch but it was nearing one am and if I walked into my parents house much later than that they’d cut my head off and mount it on the wall.

“I have to go,” I mumbled, my lips barely ghosting over his as I pulled back.

“We should have done that earlier,” he murmured back as he pulled me in again before letting me go. “I’ll text you.”

I nodded, only half believing him as I slipped out of the car. But halfway up the walk my phone beeped and John’s name popped up on my screen. I can’t wait to see you again.