Right Here in My Arms

I lied in my bed staring up at the ceiling ever since I had left Rowan downstairs. I didn’t know how long ago that was, but I knew that it had to have been more than an hour. I knew that she would had potentially been asleep so I didn’t want to go down there and wake her up.

I couldn’t get mind to calm down enough to fall asleep. For the past couple days, I had far too much on my mind and wasn’t really getting that much rest. I knew that I probably wouldn’t get any rest tonight, and if I were to it wouldn’t be until early in the morning, and even then I doubt I’d get rest until after I took Rowan home.

I sat up and rubbed my face with the palm of my hands, sighing. I decided to have a smoke break and check on Rowan before I tried to go to sleep. Or... Let me rephrase that... Before I tried to attempt to go to sleep.

I stood up from the bed and quietly exited my bedroom, walking down the stairs. I grabbed my pack of cigarettes and lighter from the bookshelf in the living room and grabbed a cigarette out. I set the pack on the bookshelf again and let the cigarette between my lips. I looked towards the couch and slightly tilted my head before walking out onto my back porch. I flicked on the porch light before I stepped out and shut the door behind me. I lit up the cigarette and paced around for a little bit.

I tried to clear up some things in my mind, but I couldn’t think straight. Not tonight at least. I debated on going in and grabbing a few beers or something to get a buzz on, but decided against it. That would just make things worse for me, and besides, I didn’t want to be drunk or anything with Rowan woke up.

“Ville?”

I spun around and looked at the door where Rowan stood.

She stepped outside and took a few steps towards me.

“Did I wake you up, love?” I questioned after I took a long drag from my cigarette.

“No,” she shook her head while she wrapped his arms around herself, “I was already awake.”

“Oh, really?”

“Yeeah... I can’t sleep, I’ve got too much on my mind,” she replied, looking to the ground.

I nodded at her and sighed. I flicked the embers of the cigarette into the ashtray before taking a drag. I looked back at Rowan and slightly tilted my head, examining her as I blew smoke out of my mouth. She looked like she was just drained of all her energy and tired.

“What about you?”

“Huh?” I questioned, pulling myself from examining her.

“What about you? Why’re you awake?” she asked before chuckling.

I chuckled and shrugged, “About the same as you. Too much on my mind, but that’s never anything new for me.”

She frowned, “I’m sorry, Ville.”

I smiled at her and shook my head, “Don’t be. It’s okay. Don’t you worry about it.”

She nodded and looked down to the ground. She tensed up and rubbed the palm of her hands against her arms.

“Are you cold?” I asked her.

Rowan looked up at me and quickly shook her head, “Hm-mnh, I’m okay.”

“Why don’t you go inside? It’s probably warmer in there,” I told her, gesturing to the door.

“No,” she shook her head, “I don’t want to go in... Besides, I’m not cold.”

I raised a brow at her, unconvinced with her answer, and shook my head. “I can hear your teeth chattering from here,” I mentioned and opened my arms up, “Come here, love.”

A smile made a way onto her face, but she bit her lip in attempt to hide it. She shuffled over to me and looked up at me.

I wrapped my arms around her and pulled her closer to me, wrapping my arms tightly around her.

“Jeez,” she said shivering, “How aren’t you cold?”

I chuckled and shook my head, “I live here, love. I’m used to the weather.”

She laughed and sighed, “Touché.”

I reached over and put my cigarette out in the ashtray and then wrapped my arms around her again. I rested my head on top of hers and sighed.

After a little while, Rowan pulled back and smiled at me. “Do you want to go back inside?” she asked.

I nodded and grabbed her by the hand. I lead her inside and closed the door behind her before leading into the living room.

She sat down on the couch and pulled the blanket over her before she pulled me down onto the couch as well. She threw half of the blanket over me and smiled at me.

I chuckled and looked over at her, “Better?”

“Yes, much better,” she replied with a nod. “Look, Ville... I really want to thank you,” she mumbled.

I raised a brow at her, “Why?”

“Well, for taking care of me when I needed someone... For letting me stay here. I just want you to know that I really appreciate it,” she said, staring down at her hands as she fiddled with them.

I shook my head and smiled at her, “It really is no problem, my dear. I’m happy to help in any way that I can.”

She smiled at me and leaned forward, resting her head on my chest. She sighed and took a deep breath before snuggling up closer to me, "You're a good friend, Ville."

I wrapped my arm around her and sunk down into the couch, smiling at her comment. I propped my feet up on the table and sighed, letting my mind wonder the thoughts that had been bothering me all day. I tried to figure some stuff out again, and with luck, got somewhere.

I was glad that Rowan called me in her time of need and I’m glad that I could’ve been there for her. Even though we didn’t even talk about it, just being there for her was good enough. I knew immediately that something was wrong when I answered the phone and I knew that she needed me. I wanted to be there for her in person because I knew that having a face-to-face conversation would have been a better thing to do for her in the situation.

I had hoped that she would tell me in the morning what had happened between her and her father, but if she didn’t want to talk about it that was fine. I just hoped that she would be okay to go home to see her father again and that her father wouldn’t upset her anymore. Of course I’d let her stay here as long as she wanted and needed or until I knew that she was okay enough to leave.

I looked down at Rowan and slightly tilted my head. “Rowan?” I whispered. After no reply from her, I figured that she had fallen asleep and I wasn’t going to bother to wake her up. I brushed my fingers through her hair to get the few stands out of her face and took a deep breath.

Rowan was such a lovely person and I was lucky to have met her. I didn’t know what it was with her, but she somehow brought a different side out in me. She made me want to better myself and I didn’t know if that was because I could potentially have feelings for her or it was just her personality that was rubbing off on me. I don’t think that I’ve ever felt this way... And if so, it’s never been this strong. It confused me and I didn’t know what to do about it. I hope that I could figure some of this shit out and hopefully soon, too.