Young & Reckless

Going back in Hayden Jak's old pickup truck wasn't something I had planned in my screwed up life. It was always finish high school, the best I can with friends or without. Go to college and do whatever, get a apartment away from family and grow old and die with a cat and no one else dragging me down.

But here my plans were being dragged down by the one and only. He was nice enough to let me in his home and I had taken advantage of that. He had thrown the party that had single handily ruined my life.

Even though I could pin point everything to pretty boy, I was the only one to blame. I was the one who willed myself to go to that party, I slept with my best friends boyfriend. I got pregnant and now here I am with the same problem I'll always have. With little care in my mind and too much love in my heart.

The streets passed by for another minute and the scenery blurred through the clear tinted windows. The trees in yards and in parks had sparks of yellow and red in them, telling us all that the north would have an early winter this year.

The roads were clear from children at school and parents at work. We passed Rosewood Elementary while the kids were out for recess. A few children looked pass the confinement of the wired fence and stared at the old pick up truck with the reckless teenagers in tow.

I knew by the change of the street signs that we weren't in our small town in Ohio anymore. We had ventured out and I was certain that Hayden didn't know where we were going.

“Where are we?” I ask, looking up from my window to Hayden. He only smiled in response and shrugged his shoulders. If he were hiding our destination all he had to do was say so. “Well, do you at lease know where we're going?”

“I wouldn't be driving without a map if I didn't know where we're going. Now Anna, can you please shut your mouth before you ruin the surprise for yourself?” Hayden snapped back at me and wrung his hands on the steering wheel, making his knuckles turn an unnatural white color. I stared back at him and shook my head, I would not get pushed down that easy.

I folded my arms across my chest and made sure that Hayden knew I was angry with him before continuing. “No, I will not shut my mouth. Please tell me where you're taking me before I-”

“Before you what?” He shot back at me, glancing at me then back at the rode. His eye brow rose and a slight little smirk played on his face. His smug smile crawled under my skin like an insect. I squinted my eyes at him.

“Before I punch you in the face!” I screamed at him. His foot slammed on the breaks and his eyes set on mine. His eyes were calm but his face showed anger. His eyes sparkled with amusement and his lips snarled like a beast.

This was his game, playing other girls. With his false anger and and kind eyes I knew that to others he showed a kind heart, but he was truly a beast in disguise. A beautiful beast with vicious fangs.

“Why are you so presumptuous?” He muttered, looking pass me rather than in the eyes. I let out a breath of air I hadn't known I had been holding in. I rolled my eyes and turned from him, “Anna,” He nudged me and spoke my name barely above a whisper, “we're here.”

Hayden's door opened and shut loudly with a thud. I swallowed my pride and shut away my annoyance with Hayden and climbed out after him. Ahead of the car was an open road for miles and miles. On either side was a wide field. Spread out evenly from each other were farms, barns and houses.

I found Hayden with both hands in his front pocket, looking pass the horizon. His eyes were squinted at the sun and the shine brightened his face. The grass grew up to his calf and covered half his shoes. I stepped into the green with my arms across my chest.

For miles and yards everything was green, I couldn't see a single light post or a telephone wire. This was complete peace. I could hear the birds chirping and hear the chickens clucking from the farms that were somewhere nearby. I smiled up at the sun and soaked in the serenity of it all.

Hayden began to walk further in the field and took a seat somewhere in the middle of it all. I followed him and sat with my legs in a child's cross. His legs kicked the grass in the field and his head tilted to the side to look across the road.

“Where are we?” I asked him quietly.

He let out a breath and finally turned to me. A smile crept on his face and he nodded to the field we were sitting in. “This is my favorite place, my euphoria.” I stared at him, begging for more. “I come here when things are just complete and utter shit. I just like to lay here, look up at the clouds or the stars and think. Just me and my thoughts.”

I shifted my body towards him, with my knee lightly touching his. It sent familiar electrical shocks through out my body. “I thought the roof was your favorite place?” I stared at him while his eyes stayed fixated on the barns and farms.

“Everybody likes roofs, I just hang out there a lot.” He answered.

“And here?”

“Here, it's home. I come here to wind down and be myself, I listen to music and do homework.” I tilted my head, he glanced at me and sighed, “See over there are the Tills', Jane and Dean, they're thirty year old farmers with four children. Soon they hope to open a winery. Then over there are the Butler's, they're old, but they like the quiet.

“I've never taken anyone here before. I didn't want to ruin the specialness.” Finally Hayden snapped out of his daze and looked me straight in the eye. He shrugged and smiled down at me.

I sighed and broke the gaze he held with me. I looked at the farms and chuckled to myself, “Who knew, Hayden Jak was a real boy with a memorable heart.”

He laughed and feigned a pain in his heart. He fell on the ground and looked up at the sky, “Who said I had a heart?”

I smiled in return and propped my head on my hand. My elbow dug in the grass, I felt the cold mush of the dirt and the tickle of the thin grass. “Then you are the player everyone's been raving about.”

The smile on the boy's face faltered and his eyes shifted away from mine. “I'm a charmer. There's a significant difference.” He rolled his eyes up at the sky and then turned to me once more. He stayed silent and looked me in the eyes.

I didn't inquire it much more and laid on my back, staring up at the sky and watched as the clouds formed a white bubble over the sun, making shade for now. “Tell me something,” I mumbled. I could feel Hayden move beside me.

“Excuse me?”

I shrugged, “Tell me something, something you've never told anyone else.” I've had a crush on him from day one in our small town. From when he ignored me in pre-k to this exact moment, he charmed me with his eyes and that smile. There were always some truth behind every rumor, and I wanted to find out.

He chuckled, “You've been living in my house for less than 24 hours and already you want to share secrets.” I turned to him with a smile on my face. I blinked back when I realized he was already staring at me. “What next, pillow fights and movie nights till three in the morning?”

I smiled at him, “Maybe if you're lucky,” I breathed in and stared at his big gray blue eyes. Even if all he had was charm, it sure did work. My heart thudded like it had each time I looked at him in a class and when he had first spoke to me. I think the luck was turned on me, here Hayden Jak was, staring back at me while a sunset painted behind us.

He sighed and put on his signature cocky boy smirk, “What did I tell you about opening up Summers?” He looked around in my eyes, waiting for some kind of catch that wasn't there. The smile on my face faded from my lips and all I could see was Hayden.

His own smile went away and he looked up to the orange sky. He set his hands on his chest, again he wore a shirt obviously too small for him. His muscles peeked through and the v of his shirt gave me a sneak preview. I couldn't keep my eyes off him and I started to remember when he opened the door last night, partly in the nude.

The blush crept on my face and Hayden began talking, “When I was ten my dad left me,” I opened my mouth to say sorry. I shook my head and quickly closed it, I knew that my apology would not fix anything. His dad left on his own account not mine, apologizing for something that wasn't my fault wasn't necessary.

“It was just a normal day, I woke up, had breakfast, my dad took me to school. When I got home he never came back home. He left a voice mail and my mom played it over and over again. She saved it on the machine, threw it out and got a new one.” He shrugged his shoulders and sighed, he looked at me. I blinked at him and watched as his eyes focused on anything other than me.

He glanced at my eyes and back behind me at a feather of grass, “I guess he left because he didn't love us, my mom and me. There's always that one person that loves too much and another that loves too little. No one can love the same, and that's why people don't stay together for long.”

I understood his observation about one loving more than the other. The living proof were my parents, my mother loved my father more. While my dad had more faith to Jesus than his own wife and children. Although their love was faltered I couldn't give up the small sliver of my own hope for love and happiness. Somewhere, it stayed in the darkness of my heart.

Maybe so there were millions of people in this world and some would end up alone. But there had always been a hope that I would get married, have a couple of kids and get an awesome job. Although those plans have already been soiled, a child was already on the way and I was branded for a no job single mom.

I looked at Hayden through the grass and saw as his eyes changed direction and his mind changed gears, “It's your turn Annamaire, tell me your darkest secret.” The pride had gone from my mind when Hayden had used that dark low voice. It made my face hot and my heart race. I wanted his lips on mine and I didn't care if it was for a second.

I swallowed and stopped for dramatic pause for no apparent reason. I shook my head and looked back at the boy in front of me, “There's nothing. I'm a boring open book. Everyone knows about me.” I looked down at myself and realized that soon everyone would be making fun of me as well. This child was not just a gift from God, but an easy way to ridicule an easy mistake.

“Everyone knows everyone, it's a small town.” He pushed me to tell him something, although I had nothing to tell. I knew that everyone knew my business. If I hadn't told Granger and she didn't blab it out to the whole school, I would have told Jason and it would have gotten out sooner or later.

Everyone knew I was afraid of the dark, aliens and balloons. Everyone knew my family believed in Jesus and that we were destined to be saved from birth. They knew that my brother was popular and handsome and I was the black sheep that kept to herself.

I shrugged again, “Everyone only knows me because my family's marked the Jesus freaks of Ohio and my brothers a fuck up. I'm a the bible freak and he's got all the good attention,” I faked a smile to Hayden and bit my lip.

'All attention is good attention,' Granger would always say to me when I was down about something she blabbed about. I got made fun of and she remained queen of Golden Hills. 'All that matters is that everyone knows your name.' But it payed to know who I was.

I opened my mouth and furred my brows, looking at Hayden his eyes sparkled when they met mine. Or so I thought, “I don't even believe in God anymore.”

Hayden's eyes met mine and I tried to look everywhere but his own. His hair, his nose, his mouth, his chest, anything to not focus on those eyes that made me fall for him each time. The windows to his soul were a deep contract that stated I couldn't get out of whatever he had in store, even if I wanted it as much as him.

His eyes shifted to my lips and back up to my eyes. His breathing ragged like that day on the roof and his hands began to move like that day too. His finger lacing through my hair and sticking them to the nape of my neck. The grass came between us, begging us not to get into this mess we were bound to end up in.

His fingers moved about the nape of my neck, just the way I liked it, but never spoke a word to him. It was like kissing a stranger for the first time, new and exciting. Then like a pattern we both knew, we dove in for each other, our lips crash colliding. We moved together as if it weren't our first or second time at this. His lips were familiar and tasted of strawberry chap stick you get at the comer store.

We parted for a breath of air and looked into each other eyes, with that one look there was no care in the world. No care that he shouldn't be here with the outcasted bible freak, kissing in a meadow with the sun setting on a Wednesday night. No care that this boy had ignored me for the pass ten years and I was now bearing child. The only thing that mattered was this moment and that my lips were on his.

Hayden lifted my waist to meet his own and his lips went to mine again. I placed my hand on his chest while my other was at the nape where his collarbone and shoulder met. I could feel him heaving under me while my own breath met fast roughness.

He licked the bottom of my lip, begging for entrance. I obliged and let his tongue enter my mouth. His hand tightened on my neck, never letting me go, as his other on my waist made small circles, causing me to squirm under him. He smiled into the kiss and continued with his unknown skill.

I wanted this, this is what I was begging for for so long. I knew I wanted his mouth on mine and that I wanted him to want me. I knew I had wished that from a pre-teen that I would be in his arms, but this moment was false. He didn't want me, he just wanted another to add to his charmed collection.

I pushed him away and let my lips tingle for more. We heaved in unison, both wanting more and knowing what we can't have. I shook my head and sat down next to him, touching my lips and noticing they were sore to the touch.

“Please don't tell me that was just because I'm a sad girl?” I breathed and looked in his general direction. He shook his head and let a small smile play on his lips while he tried to catch his breath.

“No, Anna, that was because I wanted to kiss you.” I smiled and let this forbidden moment play out for me. Even if it weren't meant to be, didn't mean I couldn't have a bit of fun. “Anna,” He muttered, I looked up from the grass and looked at Hayden. His breathing was normal and he squared me straight in the eye, “I think I'm starting to like you more than I should.”

All the blood drained from my face and suddenly I couldn't breath. Worse than when the kiss had started and I struggled for air. The light breeze came in and I noticed night fall had come and we were sitting under the stars and the moonlight. An owl hoo'ed in the night and I stared at Hayden in disbelief.

A boy like him could not like a girl like me. Even though it was every girls dream to have a boy like this one fall like putty in their hands, I couldn't let it happen. I could not set myself up for heartbreak. I shook my head and blinked back the tears that were threatening to fall.

I stood from the grass and looked down at Hayden, “Can we go?” He opened his mouth to object, but I shook my head, “Please, I just want to leave.” My voice shook and my hands were right in the lead. Without Hayden I made my way to the truck and sat in the passenger seat.

I looked out into the darkened night at the house with the lights on. They had such simple lives, out here in the nowhere with children and cows and chickens. All they had to worry about was their profit and their lives away from the bother of the small town. They didn't have to worry about heartbreaking boys with eyes that told a beautiful story.

I heard the car door slam and the engine start. Hayden didn't say a word on our way home and didn't bother to look at me. I knew that my sudden change of heart had hurt him and that he knew I liked him for years. He was hoping for an easy way into this, into me. I wouldn't allow it. I did not want another boy to ruin something I had.

If he wasn't going to break my heart, I wasn't afraid to break his.