I'm Slowly Drowning

I'd been laying awake for a little time when Andy moved around and kissed my temple lightly, I opened my eyes and smiled at him.

"Morning princess" he mumbled, did I mention how much I loved it when he called me that? "I didn't wake you up, did I?"

"Nah, I've been awake for some time now" I answered.

"That's good" he kissed my temple again, before he pressed his lips against mine. Oh how I didn't want him to leave today, I just wanted a day where we could stay in bed all day.

"I have to get ready" Andy said as we broke apart, I let out a quiet sigh as he got out of bed and started to get dressed.

I took out my iPod to check twitter, but nothing out of the ordinary happened in there, I answered some tweets by different people and fans before putting away the iPod again and slowly crawling out of bed myself, maybe I should work on some of my own music today? Not that I'd get anywhere with it tho.

Pushing my thought aside, I crawled out of bed myself quickly changing clothes and pulling my hair back in a ponytail just as Andy was done with his hair and makeup.

"I'll be back ASAP" Andy told me with a smile and wrapped his arms around me.

"Then I'll miss you until" I laughed back and tiptoed so I could peck his lips quickly.

We let go of each other again and I followed him to the door, pecking his lips quickly again.

"I love you, see you later" Andy said, walking out of the apartment.

"Love you too, later" I called after him as he disappeared down the staircase.

I closed the door again and all of a sudden, felt really down and lonely, being the only one in the apartment. My destructive thought wasn't returning? We're they? They shouldn't, I was happy right? Being happy shouldn't leave me with these thought again, stop them, please?

I looked around myself, desperately trying to distract myself. It was actually getting really messy in the apartment, maybe I should clean it? Yeah, cleaning would help me getting my mind straight again, it usually did.

I connected my iPod to the speakers and put it on shuffle, as I started cleaning the kitchen, dancing around and looking like a fool.

It helped me actually, and my mind stopped focusing on feeling alone in the empty apartment, instead it hit down on my bad conscience over the fact that I hadn't spoken with Andy about leaving yet, I guess if we just shielded it a bit, then we could be together in my vacations and as soon as I'd finished my year at high school, I could move to LA. It would only be a few month apart each time, we could survive that, right? I really should talk with him soon, tonight would be best, right? Yeah, it would, I should talk with him either tonight or tomorrow night.

After I'd cleaned the apartment, I played some bass, singing for myself like I'd done almost every day with either my guitar or bass at home and just enjoying the peace in the apartment, and the possibility I had to just sit down out on the balcony and look at the sky and the world around me, just observe things like I also used to at home. Max and Jamie both got home between five and six pm and Andy got home around seven, scaring the shit out of me by surprising me while I was reading on the balcony.

"Don't ever do that again" I gasped while Andy just stood behind me, laughing his ass off, "You nearly gave me a heart attack"

"Sorry, babe" he laughed, sitting down on the chair I'd just got up from and pulling me into his lab, wrapping his arms tightly around my waist so I couldn't get up. "But you're just so fun to tease" he laughed again as he started to tickle me.

"Noo, don't, argh!" I couldn't stop laughing, Andy Biersack is one evil man I tell you.

"I won't!" He laughed and tickled me even more, until I nearly fell down from his lab, but he managed to hold onto me before I fell and smashed my head into the rail edge.

"Don't. Ever. Do. That. Again" I gasped, as Andy laughing hugged me into his chest, like was I some teddy.

"Sorry babe" he kissed my forehead.

"And I can't even be mad at you" I mumbled and smiled at him.

"Yay! I win then!" He yelled out of context.

"You win?"

"Mhmm, cause I can tease you without you getting mad at me" he laughed placing some kisses down my cheek and jaw line before pressing his lips against mine, in a soft, yet hungry kiss.

He picked me up and carried me into the bed where he put me down, kissed my forehead again and smiled at me before he ran out of the room and came back after borrowing Max's guitar.

"I have something to you" he said and grabbed the guitar, sitting down next to me, "I wanted to play it for you before the concert Wednesday" he continued and strummed it lightly as he started to play and sing along.

"I cannot hide what's on my mind,

I feel it burning deep inside,

A passion crime to take what's mine, let us start living for today,

Never gonna' change my mind,

We can leave it all behind,

Nothin's gonna' stop us,

No not this time,

So take your hand in mine,

It's ours tonight,

This is a rebel love song,

Hearts will sacrifice,

It’s do or die,

This is a rebel love song." He sang not breaking eye contact once, I couldn't think straight at that moment, did he write this for... Me?!

"My outlaw eyes have seen their lies,

I choke on all they had to say,

When worlds collide what's left inside,

I hold on tight and hear you pray,

Never gonna' change my mind,

We can leave it all behind,

Nothin's gonna stop us,

No not this time,

So take your hand in mine,

It's ours tonight,

This is a rebel love song,

Hearts will sacrifice,

It's do or die,

This is a rebel love song" at this point I realised the tears forming in my eyes and the smile I couldn't control, as he continued.

"Wild and running for one reason,

They can't stop us from our freedom,

Wild and running for one reason,

They can't stop us from our freedom,

Never gonna' change my mind,

We can leave it all behind,

Nothin's gonna stop us,

No not this time,

So take your hand in mine,

It’s ours tonight,

This is a rebel love song,

Hearts will sacrifice,

It's do or die,

This is a rebel love song,

So take your hand in mine,

It's ours tonight,

This is a rebel love song,

Hearts will sacrifice,

It's do or die,

This is a rebel love song."

As he finished, the tears were running down my cheeks and my smile had only widened, as soon as he put the guitar down, I nearly tackled him, throwing my arms around his neck and burring my face in his mane.

"I wrote most of it back on tour, the night I came to you on the fan-can while everybody else was in our bus" Andy told me and wrapped his arms around me, while I moved me arms, wrapping them around his waist instead, "I wanted you to hear it when we were alone, not that it's the only of the new songs that's about you but... I just, yeah" he chuckled and I pulled away a bit, so I could look into his eyes, those amazingly blue eyes.

"I... I loved it so much, Lion, I love you so much" I told him and tightened my grip in his T-shirt, still not able to control the tears.

"I love you too, Princess, more than you can imagine" Andy responded and wiped my tears away with his thumps before wrapping his arms around me again.

I rested my head on his chest, while he stroke my back lightly and rested his chin on my shoulder.

"Move to LA with me?" My heart stopped at this, and I tightened the grip in his shirt even more, feeling the tears well up again as I whispered; I can't, not loud enough for any of us to hear it though.

"I-I, I can't, Andy, I..." I couldn't finish the sentence, I just held onto him, not wanting to let go.

"Why?" His whisper was filled with pain and I started crying even more.

"I have to finish school, and I'm not ready yet, I'm not ready to leave everything, I can't do it yet, I want to be better first, I want to control my thoughts and to wake up every day without feeling worthless or empty or lost, without direction, Andy, I can't." I started sobbing halfway through my rambling, clenching onto him even more again while still hiding my face in his hair.

"I think I get it, but... I just, I love you so much, Lex, I never want to be without you" Andy said, and when I finally pulled back a bit, looking up, I found his eyes filled with suffering while tears also sprung forward.

"I'm so sorry, Andy, I should've told you what I was planning earlier, but I always chickened out when I tried to."

"Shh, babe, it's okay, we'll make it through, it's only a year or two, right? I'll still be here when you're ready, I'd be waiting my entire life, just for you" he said and I broke down again, I still didn't get it, I didn't get how he could love me, but he did.

"I'd wait forever on you too" I whispered and Andy smiled, a smile filled with pain as well, but a smile.

"Forever." He whispered and kissed me softly, just a few seconds before he pulled back again, like our first kiss.

"Forever." I swore and rested my head on his chest again, while he wrapped his arms tightly around me, kissing my neck before resting his head on my shoulder.

I don't know for how long we sat like this, just trying to understand what would actually happen, did this mean that we broke up while I was gone? Or did it mean that we were trying to keep a long distance relationship? Was that even possible, being apart for maybe two years and still being in a relationship after that? I don't know.

"Lex?" Andy asked at some point, pulling me out the point where you're nearly sleeping.

"Mmmmm?" I responded tiredly, not even bothering to open my eyes.

"We should go to sleep" he whispered back and I nodded slowly, still not moving from where I sat, with my head resting on his chest and my arms wrapped around his waist, hands grabbing his T-shirt tightly, not daring to let go.

"Mmmm" I responded again, and chuckled.

"C'mon babe" he laughed and placed his hands over mine, carefully forcing me to let go of his T-shirt. He managed to get me up and make me change into pj's before I collapsed at the bed again, cuddling up to Andy as he laid down next to me, and grabbing his t-shirt again, this time over his chest, since he actually slept with a t-shirt for once and I still felt like I would lose him if I let go now.

"Sleep tight, beautiful" he whispered and kissed my forehead, wrapping his arms around me again.

"Seven days." I whispered, hurting as I said it.

"No, forever" Andy whispered back and I smiled slightly.

"I love you, Lion"

"I love you too, Princess"