‹ Prequel: Chkaddd
Status: I hope you enjoy Sid's and Tylyn's run for the cup as much as I have.
Chasing Stanley
Hey now you're an All Star.
CS 3 Hey now you're an All Star, get your game on.
The familiar refrain from the tune All Star fades out as the announcer says.
‘That goes out to our Penguins heading out for the All Star weekend festivities in Columbus Ohio. We wish the best to Sid, Tanger, Geno and Fleury. I know that they’ll represent us well. Next up is the new hit from Radioactive.’
I’ve never been much of a Smash Mouth fan. I’ve known they were around but to actually down load a tune. Not so much but 91 changed that. She’s changed lots of things in my life whether she knows it or not. I stare out the windshield of my Land Rover as I enter on the I-70 for the 3-hour drive to Columbus for the NHL All Star break. The sky is overcast grey this morning according to the radio station. It’s hard to tell at this point because it’s still dark out. So far the roads are clear and the traffic is moving well. I’ve got a couple of travel mugs of coffee in the console beside me and the radio is tuned in the X 105.9 on the FM dial. It’s one of my favorite radio stations. I settle in for the drive.
‘Sounds like Mother Nature has it in for us this folks. The weather guys are predicting another blast of winter blowing in from the west of us. This latest storm is supposed to hit us late tonight or very early tomorrow morning. I guess, we’re all hoping that in a couple of weeks Punxsutawney Phil won’t see his shadow and spring will come early to Pennsylvania. But that being folks, get out and enjoy today because you’ll be shoveling the white stuff tomorrow. So this tunes goes out to Good old Mother Nature.’ the announcer says as he spins the Black Keys Stop, stop.
It’s a good driving tune and I’m making good time. I glance at the GPS to see my estimated time of arrival….09:38. I’m thinking through the plan for my day when my phone pings.
‘Answer’ I say to the Bluetooth device on the console as I turn down the radio station. ’Hi Dad. How’s everything there?’
‘Good, but I’m getting pretty tired of all the snowstorms. Have you left yet for the All Star weekend?’
‘Yeah, I’m about an hour out of PIT.’
‘How are the roads? Your mother is worried about you.’ He quietly whispers into the phone.
‘At the moment they’re fine but the radio says that there is another big storm blowing in. I should be in Columbus long before it hits. Although 91 is flying in tomorrow morning so her flight might be delayed.’ In my heart of hearts I hope not because I have been desperate to see her.
‘I know you’ll want to see Tylyn son but winter travel is iffy at best. Why are you going so early? You must have left at the crack of dawn.’
‘I have a signing session booked for a couple of hours with the Framework team and then this afternoon I’m in rehearsal with Peeka von Karajan. She wants me launch The Hockey Butt Blues song tonight.’ I’m even embarrassed to say this to my dad and he’s heard the tune.
‘It’s a great piece of music, Sid. If your going to put it out there then this is as good a venue as you’ll get.’ He tells me.
‘Yeah your probably right but I just feel really awkward about it. You know how I sing, Dad. Fighting cats are more tuneful than me.’ And there it is the desperation in my voice. ‘I just wish 91 was going to be here. She always makes me feel better about things.’
‘I understand son. I really do. I never realize how much your Mom means to me until we are separated. It was too bad that Tylyn couldn’t have gotten the extra day off work. I bet she’ll be there as soon as she can.’ Dad’s voice is reassuring. I know I’m 25 years old but it is still nice to know that Dad is always there for me.
‘Thanks, Dad. I’ll just have to get through today but enough about me. What’s happening at home? Tell me about Pappy? Is Honey better after cutting her paw?’ Dad and I catch up on the news from Nova Scotia.
We talk about various family members and local politics before the conversation turns to hockey. It’s been an up and down season so far. The Pens are in 8th place in the Eastern conference and second in the Atlantic Division. Dad asks me how Mark Eaton the veteran defenseman is fitting in to the locker room. Mark played here are few years ago so he knows the system. I have been pretty happy about his addition to the blue line. We are getting stronger but if we are going to make a serious run for the cup we are going to have to have some more depth on the front end as well as the back end.
‘Has Ray given you any clues of who is going after next?’ Dad asks.
‘Not really. I’ll ask 91 when she gets here. Those two are thick as thieves. They talk through every game. Just before Ray acquired Mark, he came and asked me my opinion. That’s normal. What I find a bit disconcerting is that he discussed this with 91 first?’ Dad breaks out into laughter as I tell him. ‘My girlfriend has more pull with my boss than I do. Is that weird or what?’
‘Sid learn this here and now. Your Tylyn has hockey smarts and she’s got the ear of Ray, Dan and Mario. They obviously respect her opinion so don’t let your game drop or you might be out of a job.’ Dad is still laughing or I might get offend.
‘Thanks, Dad, thanks a lots for the confidence boost.’ I reply but his words get me to thinking.
…..
‘It will be okay big guy. Relax, take some deep breaths. Nothing is going to happen here that you don’t approve.’ I have watched over many years my good friend Peeka coax great performances out of people but she has her work cut out this afternoon.
‘Let’s take five guy.’
And with that the band disperses. We are working in a ballroom of a Hilton hotel in Columbus Ohio. Peeka’s career has taken us many places but this is a backwater that I had not expected. Sid has bottle of water and is systematically destroying it. Not in I am angry way but rather a very nervous just make this end PULEASE. Peeka catches my eye and looks at me pleadingly. It’s her David HELP look. I’m a neonatologist and am used to dealing with patients who cannot express what they are feeling. But this guy is no big baby. He’s actually not that tall but rather solidly built. Not my type at all. I like them long lean craggy with layers to peel back. I think of Ture my latest lover. Yeah, he’s perfect. Sid on the other hand is so straight, so nice, so thoughtful, so hardworking and down right normal. It is hard to see him as anything other than what he the nice boy next door who did good. Every girl loves his boyish good looks, every mother loves his kind gentle nature, every brother loves his ability to make plays and score goals on the ice and every father loves his hard working ethic. It almost makes me want to puke but I like him and we became friends last summer sitting here at the piano learning this song. Peeka has a charity album in the works and Sid accepted the challenge to record a track. The three of us came up with the Hockey Butt Blues. Tonight is the big launch and our lead singer has the worse case of nerves ever.
‘You are a mass of nerves, Sid.’ I state the obvious and wait for him to respond. I know the water bottle is an inanimate object but I still feel sorry for it. We are alone, as Peeka has stepped out side the room with her phone.
‘It was easy last summer. It was just us. I’m not a singer David I’m a hockey player.’ I can feel his frustration from across the room where he standing. I think back to our week on the west coast of Vancouver Island. ‘I… I don’t know.’
‘It wasn’t all that easy at first. Remember. Come sit here beside me at the piano, honey Let’s sing together.’ I think as he walks towards me. He was much more relaxed then. He and Tylyn had just met and he spent most of his time thinking about her. I play a few chords looking for the right combination. ‘Maybe you know this one?’
I was born up an old dirt road
40 acre farm no way out, no interstate.
I see a smile crack on his lips as he nods. I pat the seat beside me.
I drive a rusted out Chevrolet
The boys all rubberneck
While I’m out makin’ hay.
I swear the piano bench gasps as he sits down. Sid’s head is nodding in time to the rhythm of the music.
Hey, I'm a wildflower, growin' in the sunshine
Soakin' up the way of life I was raised in
Runnin' barefoot bloomin' in a summer shower
Ponytail dancin', I can't help it, I'm a wildflower
Ooh, yeah Ooh, yeah
We finish the song together and he is in full voice by the last refrain. I play a few chords at the end to give us both some time to catch our breath.
‘That brings back many happy memories’ Sid still feels nervous but at least he’s trying.
‘It does. Warm sunshine, lazy mornings, and sweaty afternoons.’ I say.
‘Maybe for you. 91 and I ran every morning.’ I want to keep him in the memory so I play a few bars of Bad Things.’ And we had lazy afternoons until you stepped in to trash Dickhead and me at tennis.’
‘When does Tylyn get here?’ I know the answer but I want to hear the emotion of him telling me. I watch as he glances at his watch and does the mental math.
‘ About 17 hours, 56 minutes and less than 15 seconds. But I’m not counting.’ He looks at me ruefully. I chuckle at his response. ‘When does Ture get here, Mr I’m a Cool Customer?’
‘In just a couple of hours. When we finish up here, I’m going to take a cab to the airport to meet his plane.’ My heart skips a beat as I talk but my fingers are playing Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You. ‘We’re a couple of love sick puppies you know that don’t you?’
‘Good tune. I wish 91 would be there tonight. She calms me down. 91 makes me laugh. ‘ Good he’s talking and I’m listening. Tylyn and I both are based in Vancouver so we get together monthly for a visit.
‘I know she wanted to be here, Sid. But she’s made a commitment to her job. We had dinner last week did she tell you?’ My fingers haven’t stopped playing. ‘I thought I had a busy schedule but her’s is crazy.’
’91 told me you two met. She was trying to figure out what to wear to eat Ethiopian food.’ Talking Tylyn has relaxed him.
‘We had a good girly chat. She’s missing you too.’ I don’t want to give away too many secrets.
‘I know 91 was pretty homesick towards the end of her stay with me. I was so glad when the whole field hockey thing seemed to resolve itself. Thanks for your support I know Ty really appreciated all you did for her.’
‘Pish posh, it was nothing really. It’s hard to be so far apart from the one that you want to spend every waking moment with isn’t it?’ I am now thinking of Ture.
‘Yes.’ The answer is pure Sid. It is simple, direct and to the point. ‘You love him? Ture that is?’
‘Yes, more than I think that I’m willing to admit to myself.’ I pause.’ I don’t do long term relationships. I’m not one of those gay guys that wants to be married but…’
‘People can change David or is that people can change us?’ Sid’s fingers are now playing with the keys. I show him how to play a simple duet. We sit playing at the piano for a bit. I’m thinking of how this information can help us here. We laugh as we play. ’Take my Land Rover out the airport to meet Ture. You lent me your car to surprise 91 in Vancouver last September. It’s the least I can do to make it up to you.”
‘Thanks I think I will. Now let’s try singing the blues together but this time instead of saying my bum try saying her bum and picture in your mind eye’s that beautiful apple bottom of Tylyn’s’ Sid flashes me a wolfish grin.
‘I always thought I was a breast man until I saw her derriere.’ He’s humming along to the melody. ‘Her bum, her bum.’
We get mostly through the piece when Peeka reappears. She joins us at the piano tapping in time to the music.
‘This is great Sid. This is it. Good job. One more time from the top.’ Peeka is back in control. I maintain eye contact with Sid as she moves him into place in front of the mike. He falters for a her bum in the walking bass line.
‘Sid, do you have any pictures of Tylyn?’ I ask.
‘Yeah, lots on my phone. Why?’
‘Get them to play as a slide show and sing to Tylyn. Really concentrate on singing to Tylyn. I know you have amazing concentration now put it to work.’ I nod to Peeka behind Sid’s back. This is it. Tylyn is the key Sid’s performance.
….
Fortunately, Peeka is running the meet and greet entertainment tonight. I don’t know how she managed to wrangle it. The Sheepdogs has been good enough to learn the Hockey Butt Blues. They actually seemed to enjoy it and even complimented me on my rendition. I personally think David should just sing it. David is my back up plan when I start puking at the back of the stage in about 25 minutes. I see Ovie across the room with his fiancé chatting to Geno and a couple of other Russian players.
‘Hey Sid, it’s going to be a fun time tonight.’ Stamkos pulls me around towards a group of players in the back corner. I see a bunch of guys that I train with in the off-season with Andy OBrien. Most of them are single guys who are playing various teams around the league. ‘?????”
‘Sid, was that the gal who has stolen your heart?’ Gabe Landeskog watches Peeka across the room.
‘No, Gabe. That was Peeka von Karajan. Ty is smaller and curvier.’ I shake his hand hello. ‘She’s flying in tomorrow.’
‘Hey, boys. I think we should take this weekend up a level and put some money it. Like who’s the first to score some random? How many random panties you can collect? Let’s give Columbus something to wake up and smile about?’ Patrick Kane’s mouth should come with an X rating. I’m not shocked just mildly put out by his comments. It looks like the rest of the group looks is in the same frame of mind. ‘I saw some pretty hot looking stuff out there.’
‘That was probably some of Ovie’s or Toew’s fans.’ Ray Whitney laughs. ‘They aren’t in your league. Better start looking in the gutter Kaner.’
‘No really, out in the lobby there was a cute little chickabee with this amazing ass on her. I’d love to run into that thing repeatedly. It was like two beach balls stuffed in her yoga pants. Wowzers.’ Kaner pants like a dog.
‘I think you’re barking up the wrong tree here, man. Why don’t you try stirring it up with Giroux and company.’ The word chickabee gave me a start, as my nickname for 91 is chickadee that has a lovely hockey butt. ‘I can’t speak for these guys but I’ll pass on your challenge.’
‘Jeez and they call Jonny Captain Serious.’ With that Kaner moves off to another group behind us when the others around me nod their assent.
‘I thought your girlfriend was going to be here.’ Tavares asks me.
‘She will be. She flies in tomorrow morning.’
‘Hopefully, I know my girlfriend was supposed to fly in tonight but her flight was cancelled due to the storm.’ Says Adam Henrique. ‘They say it’s pretty bad out there.’
‘It’s dreadful.’ Says a voice at my elbow. ‘Excuse me Sid but if I could talk to you a moment.’ I look at David who has joined our small group. My stomach pitches dangerously.
,
‘I’ll catch up with you later guys. Save me a seat away from Kaner, okay?’ The guys laugh as I call over my shoulder. ‘And Giroux.’
‘Oh here are your keys back, Sid. Your Land Rover is amazing. The snow is sure piling up out there but that SUV of yours is remarkable. I’ll have to, think about getting one.’ David is walking me to the back of the stage.
‘Did Ture’s flight make it in?’
‘Yes, but the airport is now closed. No flights in or out until the wind and snow eases up.’ David looks concerned. ‘Have you heard from Tylyn? When does her flight leave Vancouver?’
‘Not for a few hours yet. I hope she makes it here okay. She keeps flying in stormy weather and that scares her.’ Me too. But mostly because I don’t want 91 to be scared.
‘Sid, why don’t you change into your long undies and I’ll meet you at the piano.’ David waves me into the washroom. This was Peeka’s idea for me to wear my under armour so show off my hockey butt. When I get to his side again my mouth is dry and I can hardily talk let alone sing.
‘Let’s warm up that voice of yours. Put your iPhone up here on the piano and start the slide show of Tylyn. Let’s sing to her and think positive thoughts.’ David says as his long fingers stroke the black and white keys. ‘What shall we sing?’
I can hear the Sheepdogs being introduced on the stage in front of us. The opening chords of their first tune, I Don’t Know, drown out my choice of song. I have to yell into David’s ear for him to hear me. He takes me through a warm up piece of music and some vocal exercises. If I didn’t have to perform tonight I’d almost be enjoying myself. I watch the screen on my phone flash pictures of 91. My heart rate increases when I hear Peeka explaining about her charity and the origins of the Hockey butt Blues.
‘So please put your hands together and welcome to the mike Sidney Crosby to sing his track from my new album. The Hockey Butt Blues.’ I look at David and he nods to me.
‘I’ll be right at the piano beside you Sid. Believe in yourself.’ And David leads me out on to the stage. ‘Focus on Ture in the crowd. He’s here to support you as well.”
I see Peeka beside the mike and the Sheepdog band members clapping. I see the crowd of people into front of the stage. I look into the audience for faces that I recognize. The bass line starts to play. I can see Tanger and Catherine with Flower and Vero. Geno is standing beside Datsyuk. I see my off-season work out buddies as they raise their drinks in salute of me. I start softly with David the “my bums” of the walking bass. I finally see Ture and beside him a mass a dark curls. I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me. So I blink my eyes. It’s really her. 91 gives me a huge smile and a finger wave. It is her. IT IS HER. My heart soars.
My life’s been a reflection of my sport.
Fast paced, hard hitting, high flying
But the only downer I can find
Is in my behind
Because I’ve got the hockey butt blues.
She turns around and waggles her bottom at me. The tight form fitting dress accentuates her curves. Kaner really did see a pair of beach balls wrapped in Lycra.
My bum has been the butt of many jokes
It’s large, it’s bulbous, gravity defying
But it gets me to where I need to be
Skating by the D
Because I’ve got the hockey butt blues.
So just think of it like this.
It’s not peculiar it’s asstaculiar
It’s just lots of junk in my trunk
It’s rumpdillyicous.
It’ not a moose it’s my caboose.
Don’t stare at my derriere.
Because I have the hockey butt blues.
My bum my bum my bum
Now shush that’s just my tush…..
My bum my bum my bum.
………
I pound on the door to Sid’s suite as I punch redial again. I know the kids had a late night partying but we arranged to meet for a late breakfast. The skills competition starts in a couple of hours and I need to get some contracts signed. The phone goes to message again. Mon dieu. Short of calling security I’m stumped when I hear the lock click on the other side of the door. The heavy wood door opens barely a crack.
Tygyrl is wrapped in a blanket looking all tussled and sleepy.
‘Oh good morning Pat. Let me get the chain off the door.’ I’ve definitely have woke them up. The blue blanket wrapped around her shoulders makes her eyes look blue like the Caribbean ocean.
‘Sorry to wake you up.’ I walk through to the table by the window and set down my brief case. ‘ Sid and I had arranged this yesterday. You young lady were supposed to be just arriving here.’
‘We’ve over slept. Why don’t you call down for some coffee while I wake up 87?’ She says as she enters the bedroom. I can hear her asking Sid to wake up. I lift the receiver of the phone and think for a minute.
‘Sid, what do you want for breakfast? Eggs, toast? Fruit? Waffles?’ I call through to them.
‘Yeah, sure all of it. And yoghurt parfait for 91. I’m just going to pop through the shower. We’ll be with you in a jiffy.’ I hear more murmurs of voices.
I place our order and then start unloading the papers from my case. I have a few offers for Tygyrl my new client. Sid had a pair of ladies hockey skates made for her last year and Reebok has decided to run them as a line called “Tygyrl 91”. Now we have some promo work to do
When Sid comes through to join me, he looks fresh out of the shower. He’s dressed in jeans and a black Henley. He opens the curtains to reveal the snowy scene outside. I have been Sid’s agent since he was in his mid teens so I know him pretty well. And at the moment I’d say he is pretty happy with his life.
‘The food should be here shortly. What time did you two leave the party last night?’ I’m trying to gauge how tired they will be.
‘Not long after you. Maybe 130 am. We were both tired. The whole power outage made it difficult to see anyone. So we packed it in,’ Sid and Tylyn may have left the party but I don’t believe for a minute that they packed it in.
‘I’m glad Tylyn flew yesterday afternoon. The news is reporting that the airport will remain closed for the rest of the day. There is talk of postponing the skills competition to allow time for the plows to clear the streets.’ I watch as Sid flips over a couple of the pages.
‘Me too.’ His eyes lift to where Tylyn has joined us. Her hair is wrapped up in a towel from the shower and she’s dressed casually in sweater dress with matching tights.’ Come here and sit. I’ll brush out the knots while Pat talks.’
Sid pulls out a chair from the dining table. I expect Tylyn to sit in it but Sid sits down on the seat and pulls her on to his lap. The petite girl hands him the hairbrush so he can start brushing out her hair. Both pairs of eyes look at me expectantly.
‘Right then. Reebok is very happy with the test marketing and have several ideas for promos for the Tygyrl 91 line. The first is a couple of commercials with you and Sid playing keep away. The second idea a commercial explaining the differences between men and women’s feet thus women should be wearing a skate designed for women. The third is well more showing what the skate can do.’ I pause to let them think about this.
‘The skate on it’s own?’ Tylyn’s soft sweet voice belies her fierce competitive nature.
‘Not exactly. You’ll wearing the skate taking on some guys just like last autumn when you chicked the Penguins during the drills practice. The idea is that with these skates you can beat the boys at their own game.’ I’m hoping Sid will be on board.
‘The skates did raise 91’s ability to skate. She had the skill but none of the men’s or boys skated fitted her feet well enough to allow her the mobility to put her skill to use.’ Sid gets it.
‘But how would you do it? I mean show my skill.’ Tylyn asks ‘Won’t the audience just think it’s all CGI?’
‘Not if it happen for real.’ I pause to wait to see if they will figure it out.
‘The skills competition here?’ Sid asks. ‘You want her to enter the skills competition?’
‘No way.’ Tylyn is shocked. ‘The other players won’t stand for it. I’ll get smoked.’
‘Maybe not. Hear me out, Tylyn. Your best event is stick tricks right. I think we set up an obstacle speed course where players take a puck through various challenges. That will level the playing field for you. Most the guys here will accept your skill. Sid, Geno, Flower and Tanger are all here and will support you. We’ll set up the course and offer it as a challenge. It will be optional but filmed. Any player can have their try through the course deleted. But I suspect pride won’t let them.’ I explain.
‘Pat, I’m not sure about this. This is the NHL. These guys are the best in the world.’ She stumbles over her words. ‘They aren’t going to accept me as a valid player.’
’Oh yes, they will if the NHLPA tells them to. I think this is a great idea. Almost half our fans are women, so if you can play, you can play. Let me make a couple of calls.’ Sid is behind me. ‘Pat do you think we can set this up today?’
‘I’ve got a film crew on hand Sid we just need a few victims. Sorry test subjects.’ I reply.
‘Let me call some of the guys. You’ll have some good competition. Landeskog should do it. Maybe Stamkos. ‘ Sid’s on task. Tylyn looks concerned. For me it’s game on.
……..
I think I want to puke. Pat’s idea of an obstacle course has taken on a life of it’s own. 87 and I got to the rink for a little fun skate around 1230pm. The skills competition start time has been delayed until this evening. We are out on the ice playing when I notice a few guys are watching us from the breezeway. Sid skates over and chats to them. I take a puck and head to the far side of the ice. I assume that our time is almost done. So I get set up for our traditional finish the game of keep away.
I hunker down over the puck and tease it in front of me when 87 looks my way. He puts his head down as he skates full tilt at me. I make a quick dash to my left, plant my toe into the ice spin around and duck under his right arm. It’s a new move I’ve been practicing. It catches 87 off guard. I go hard behind the net with the puck. I keep the net between us until he knocks it off its posts trying to get around it to me. I flick the puck far to his left side at the boards and go the far way around the net. He watches me for a split second trying to decide to take me or go after the puck. But I waste no time catching the puck on the ricochet. I am in full stride looking down to the Zamboni when players on the ice distract me. Whomp. I’ve been caught. 87 has caught me with his free arm and pulled me down.
‘Holy shit, that was hilarious. She deked you, Sid. ‘ I look up at several guys in their hockey gear looking down at us. ‘That would have gone viral on YouTube.’
‘You try and get the puck off her. It’s not as easy as it looks.’ 87’s deep voice is laughing. I stand up and have to lean back to look into Zdeno Chara’s face. 87 holds me in place when I try to leave.
‘Pat Brisson says there is going to be a new skill challenge. An obstacle course?’ Marion Hossa has joined us.’ Good challenge.’
‘I better go.’ I say quietly to 87. The all-star players have been divided into two teams. Team Crosby who are now coming out on to the ice for warm up skate. And Team Johnson who will get pre skills skate in an hour or so.
‘No, stay. We are going to go through the drills and put our best players forward for each skill set. Just stay here. Okay?’ 87 asks me.
‘Okay. But I’ll stay out of the way.’ The warm up jerseys for 87’s team are dark blue. My hot pink jersey stands out amongst the players. I watch as selection are made for the drills for contestants in:
1) Bridgestone NHL Fastest Skater
2) Allstate Insurance NHL Breakaway Challenge
3) Canadian Tire NHL Accuracy Shooting
4) G Series NHL Skills Challenge Relay
5) BlackBerry NHL Hardest Shot
6) Tim Horton’s NHL Elimination Shoot Out
Finally, they get to my obstacle course. This is a stick/puck handling skill demonstration that I have worked on for years. I help set up the course. It is comprised of 2 sticks, bars on 3 inch raisers, a piece of 4 inch plastic pipe, a speed cone, a stool and finally a bucket set upright. It’s maybe 20 feet long at best.
‘So the deal here guys is you have to take the puck through this obstacle course. You flip the puck across the shaft stick three times, under the first bar then over the next bar through the plastic pipe, three more puck flips down the next stick, take it around the speed cone over the stool and pop it in the bucket. Got that. Easy peasy. Child’s play if you ask me. Who want’s to go first.’ 87 explains the drill.
Film crews have been recording the practice for the NHL and are now setting up around the course. This is it the start. Several players give it a shot but either end up losing their pucks or get stumped by the plastic pipe.
‘Here watch me do it. Slow down and just work the puck. I know that the record time is about 17 seconds but you have to work up to it.’ 87 takes the puck slowly through the course and teaches the guys how it’s done.
’17 seconds that’s impossible.’ I know a lot of the players but I don’t know this guy.
‘Oh yeah. It’s possible.’ Tanger laughs. He takes the puck through in about 18 seconds. ‘I’ve been practicing!’ He gives me a wink.
When everyone has had a turn and most have failed. 87 looks at me and says.
‘Show ‘em up, Chickadee.’
I stretch to calm my nerves. Pat has joined us on the ice. He’s all smiles.
‘Go for a warm up skate. Tygyrl. Just a quick lap and then back. I’ll have a clock on you.’ So I nod. And start with my warm up strides, picking up the pace, then flip to going backwards. I have my nerves under control so I when I pick up a puck on the way back to the head of the course I’m in game mode. I line up and wait. 87 blows the whistle that starts me off. I run the course and do it in reverse as well popping the puck into the bucket from the start of the course all in less than 19 seconds.
‘Holy shit man. That’ was impressive.’
‘It’s cause she’s little. I had a hellva time not knocking over the cone.’ Henrique the big Dman complains.
‘No way, she just plain out classed you.’ Spezza laughs. ‘I say she our one and only entry.’
‘Now who’s willing to sign my releases. You’ve all been chicked by a Tygyrl’ I look at Pat who is smiling like a Cheshire cat. I recognize Datsyuk, Duchene and Patrice Bergeron all line up to sign. I don’t recognize several of the other guys.
‘You should see her record time, boys. I’ve got it on video.’ Sid laughs and gives me a kiss. And to me he whispers ‘ You can chick me anytime.’
‘I can try.’ I whisper back. ‘Does this mean crazy gorilla shower sex now?’
The huge arena is filled with 87’s laughter.
The familiar refrain from the tune All Star fades out as the announcer says.
‘That goes out to our Penguins heading out for the All Star weekend festivities in Columbus Ohio. We wish the best to Sid, Tanger, Geno and Fleury. I know that they’ll represent us well. Next up is the new hit from Radioactive.’
I’ve never been much of a Smash Mouth fan. I’ve known they were around but to actually down load a tune. Not so much but 91 changed that. She’s changed lots of things in my life whether she knows it or not. I stare out the windshield of my Land Rover as I enter on the I-70 for the 3-hour drive to Columbus for the NHL All Star break. The sky is overcast grey this morning according to the radio station. It’s hard to tell at this point because it’s still dark out. So far the roads are clear and the traffic is moving well. I’ve got a couple of travel mugs of coffee in the console beside me and the radio is tuned in the X 105.9 on the FM dial. It’s one of my favorite radio stations. I settle in for the drive.
‘Sounds like Mother Nature has it in for us this folks. The weather guys are predicting another blast of winter blowing in from the west of us. This latest storm is supposed to hit us late tonight or very early tomorrow morning. I guess, we’re all hoping that in a couple of weeks Punxsutawney Phil won’t see his shadow and spring will come early to Pennsylvania. But that being folks, get out and enjoy today because you’ll be shoveling the white stuff tomorrow. So this tunes goes out to Good old Mother Nature.’ the announcer says as he spins the Black Keys Stop, stop.
It’s a good driving tune and I’m making good time. I glance at the GPS to see my estimated time of arrival….09:38. I’m thinking through the plan for my day when my phone pings.
‘Answer’ I say to the Bluetooth device on the console as I turn down the radio station. ’Hi Dad. How’s everything there?’
‘Good, but I’m getting pretty tired of all the snowstorms. Have you left yet for the All Star weekend?’
‘Yeah, I’m about an hour out of PIT.’
‘How are the roads? Your mother is worried about you.’ He quietly whispers into the phone.
‘At the moment they’re fine but the radio says that there is another big storm blowing in. I should be in Columbus long before it hits. Although 91 is flying in tomorrow morning so her flight might be delayed.’ In my heart of hearts I hope not because I have been desperate to see her.
‘I know you’ll want to see Tylyn son but winter travel is iffy at best. Why are you going so early? You must have left at the crack of dawn.’
‘I have a signing session booked for a couple of hours with the Framework team and then this afternoon I’m in rehearsal with Peeka von Karajan. She wants me launch The Hockey Butt Blues song tonight.’ I’m even embarrassed to say this to my dad and he’s heard the tune.
‘It’s a great piece of music, Sid. If your going to put it out there then this is as good a venue as you’ll get.’ He tells me.
‘Yeah your probably right but I just feel really awkward about it. You know how I sing, Dad. Fighting cats are more tuneful than me.’ And there it is the desperation in my voice. ‘I just wish 91 was going to be here. She always makes me feel better about things.’
‘I understand son. I really do. I never realize how much your Mom means to me until we are separated. It was too bad that Tylyn couldn’t have gotten the extra day off work. I bet she’ll be there as soon as she can.’ Dad’s voice is reassuring. I know I’m 25 years old but it is still nice to know that Dad is always there for me.
‘Thanks, Dad. I’ll just have to get through today but enough about me. What’s happening at home? Tell me about Pappy? Is Honey better after cutting her paw?’ Dad and I catch up on the news from Nova Scotia.
We talk about various family members and local politics before the conversation turns to hockey. It’s been an up and down season so far. The Pens are in 8th place in the Eastern conference and second in the Atlantic Division. Dad asks me how Mark Eaton the veteran defenseman is fitting in to the locker room. Mark played here are few years ago so he knows the system. I have been pretty happy about his addition to the blue line. We are getting stronger but if we are going to make a serious run for the cup we are going to have to have some more depth on the front end as well as the back end.
‘Has Ray given you any clues of who is going after next?’ Dad asks.
‘Not really. I’ll ask 91 when she gets here. Those two are thick as thieves. They talk through every game. Just before Ray acquired Mark, he came and asked me my opinion. That’s normal. What I find a bit disconcerting is that he discussed this with 91 first?’ Dad breaks out into laughter as I tell him. ‘My girlfriend has more pull with my boss than I do. Is that weird or what?’
‘Sid learn this here and now. Your Tylyn has hockey smarts and she’s got the ear of Ray, Dan and Mario. They obviously respect her opinion so don’t let your game drop or you might be out of a job.’ Dad is still laughing or I might get offend.
‘Thanks, Dad, thanks a lots for the confidence boost.’ I reply but his words get me to thinking.
…..
‘It will be okay big guy. Relax, take some deep breaths. Nothing is going to happen here that you don’t approve.’ I have watched over many years my good friend Peeka coax great performances out of people but she has her work cut out this afternoon.
‘Let’s take five guy.’
And with that the band disperses. We are working in a ballroom of a Hilton hotel in Columbus Ohio. Peeka’s career has taken us many places but this is a backwater that I had not expected. Sid has bottle of water and is systematically destroying it. Not in I am angry way but rather a very nervous just make this end PULEASE. Peeka catches my eye and looks at me pleadingly. It’s her David HELP look. I’m a neonatologist and am used to dealing with patients who cannot express what they are feeling. But this guy is no big baby. He’s actually not that tall but rather solidly built. Not my type at all. I like them long lean craggy with layers to peel back. I think of Ture my latest lover. Yeah, he’s perfect. Sid on the other hand is so straight, so nice, so thoughtful, so hardworking and down right normal. It is hard to see him as anything other than what he the nice boy next door who did good. Every girl loves his boyish good looks, every mother loves his kind gentle nature, every brother loves his ability to make plays and score goals on the ice and every father loves his hard working ethic. It almost makes me want to puke but I like him and we became friends last summer sitting here at the piano learning this song. Peeka has a charity album in the works and Sid accepted the challenge to record a track. The three of us came up with the Hockey Butt Blues. Tonight is the big launch and our lead singer has the worse case of nerves ever.
‘You are a mass of nerves, Sid.’ I state the obvious and wait for him to respond. I know the water bottle is an inanimate object but I still feel sorry for it. We are alone, as Peeka has stepped out side the room with her phone.
‘It was easy last summer. It was just us. I’m not a singer David I’m a hockey player.’ I can feel his frustration from across the room where he standing. I think back to our week on the west coast of Vancouver Island. ‘I… I don’t know.’
‘It wasn’t all that easy at first. Remember. Come sit here beside me at the piano, honey Let’s sing together.’ I think as he walks towards me. He was much more relaxed then. He and Tylyn had just met and he spent most of his time thinking about her. I play a few chords looking for the right combination. ‘Maybe you know this one?’
I was born up an old dirt road
40 acre farm no way out, no interstate.
I see a smile crack on his lips as he nods. I pat the seat beside me.
I drive a rusted out Chevrolet
The boys all rubberneck
While I’m out makin’ hay.
I swear the piano bench gasps as he sits down. Sid’s head is nodding in time to the rhythm of the music.
Hey, I'm a wildflower, growin' in the sunshine
Soakin' up the way of life I was raised in
Runnin' barefoot bloomin' in a summer shower
Ponytail dancin', I can't help it, I'm a wildflower
Ooh, yeah Ooh, yeah
We finish the song together and he is in full voice by the last refrain. I play a few chords at the end to give us both some time to catch our breath.
‘That brings back many happy memories’ Sid still feels nervous but at least he’s trying.
‘It does. Warm sunshine, lazy mornings, and sweaty afternoons.’ I say.
‘Maybe for you. 91 and I ran every morning.’ I want to keep him in the memory so I play a few bars of Bad Things.’ And we had lazy afternoons until you stepped in to trash Dickhead and me at tennis.’
‘When does Tylyn get here?’ I know the answer but I want to hear the emotion of him telling me. I watch as he glances at his watch and does the mental math.
‘ About 17 hours, 56 minutes and less than 15 seconds. But I’m not counting.’ He looks at me ruefully. I chuckle at his response. ‘When does Ture get here, Mr I’m a Cool Customer?’
‘In just a couple of hours. When we finish up here, I’m going to take a cab to the airport to meet his plane.’ My heart skips a beat as I talk but my fingers are playing Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You. ‘We’re a couple of love sick puppies you know that don’t you?’
‘Good tune. I wish 91 would be there tonight. She calms me down. 91 makes me laugh. ‘ Good he’s talking and I’m listening. Tylyn and I both are based in Vancouver so we get together monthly for a visit.
‘I know she wanted to be here, Sid. But she’s made a commitment to her job. We had dinner last week did she tell you?’ My fingers haven’t stopped playing. ‘I thought I had a busy schedule but her’s is crazy.’
’91 told me you two met. She was trying to figure out what to wear to eat Ethiopian food.’ Talking Tylyn has relaxed him.
‘We had a good girly chat. She’s missing you too.’ I don’t want to give away too many secrets.
‘I know 91 was pretty homesick towards the end of her stay with me. I was so glad when the whole field hockey thing seemed to resolve itself. Thanks for your support I know Ty really appreciated all you did for her.’
‘Pish posh, it was nothing really. It’s hard to be so far apart from the one that you want to spend every waking moment with isn’t it?’ I am now thinking of Ture.
‘Yes.’ The answer is pure Sid. It is simple, direct and to the point. ‘You love him? Ture that is?’
‘Yes, more than I think that I’m willing to admit to myself.’ I pause.’ I don’t do long term relationships. I’m not one of those gay guys that wants to be married but…’
‘People can change David or is that people can change us?’ Sid’s fingers are now playing with the keys. I show him how to play a simple duet. We sit playing at the piano for a bit. I’m thinking of how this information can help us here. We laugh as we play. ’Take my Land Rover out the airport to meet Ture. You lent me your car to surprise 91 in Vancouver last September. It’s the least I can do to make it up to you.”
‘Thanks I think I will. Now let’s try singing the blues together but this time instead of saying my bum try saying her bum and picture in your mind eye’s that beautiful apple bottom of Tylyn’s’ Sid flashes me a wolfish grin.
‘I always thought I was a breast man until I saw her derriere.’ He’s humming along to the melody. ‘Her bum, her bum.’
We get mostly through the piece when Peeka reappears. She joins us at the piano tapping in time to the music.
‘This is great Sid. This is it. Good job. One more time from the top.’ Peeka is back in control. I maintain eye contact with Sid as she moves him into place in front of the mike. He falters for a her bum in the walking bass line.
‘Sid, do you have any pictures of Tylyn?’ I ask.
‘Yeah, lots on my phone. Why?’
‘Get them to play as a slide show and sing to Tylyn. Really concentrate on singing to Tylyn. I know you have amazing concentration now put it to work.’ I nod to Peeka behind Sid’s back. This is it. Tylyn is the key Sid’s performance.
….
Fortunately, Peeka is running the meet and greet entertainment tonight. I don’t know how she managed to wrangle it. The Sheepdogs has been good enough to learn the Hockey Butt Blues. They actually seemed to enjoy it and even complimented me on my rendition. I personally think David should just sing it. David is my back up plan when I start puking at the back of the stage in about 25 minutes. I see Ovie across the room with his fiancé chatting to Geno and a couple of other Russian players.
‘Hey Sid, it’s going to be a fun time tonight.’ Stamkos pulls me around towards a group of players in the back corner. I see a bunch of guys that I train with in the off-season with Andy OBrien. Most of them are single guys who are playing various teams around the league. ‘?????”
‘Sid, was that the gal who has stolen your heart?’ Gabe Landeskog watches Peeka across the room.
‘No, Gabe. That was Peeka von Karajan. Ty is smaller and curvier.’ I shake his hand hello. ‘She’s flying in tomorrow.’
‘Hey, boys. I think we should take this weekend up a level and put some money it. Like who’s the first to score some random? How many random panties you can collect? Let’s give Columbus something to wake up and smile about?’ Patrick Kane’s mouth should come with an X rating. I’m not shocked just mildly put out by his comments. It looks like the rest of the group looks is in the same frame of mind. ‘I saw some pretty hot looking stuff out there.’
‘That was probably some of Ovie’s or Toew’s fans.’ Ray Whitney laughs. ‘They aren’t in your league. Better start looking in the gutter Kaner.’
‘No really, out in the lobby there was a cute little chickabee with this amazing ass on her. I’d love to run into that thing repeatedly. It was like two beach balls stuffed in her yoga pants. Wowzers.’ Kaner pants like a dog.
‘I think you’re barking up the wrong tree here, man. Why don’t you try stirring it up with Giroux and company.’ The word chickabee gave me a start, as my nickname for 91 is chickadee that has a lovely hockey butt. ‘I can’t speak for these guys but I’ll pass on your challenge.’
‘Jeez and they call Jonny Captain Serious.’ With that Kaner moves off to another group behind us when the others around me nod their assent.
‘I thought your girlfriend was going to be here.’ Tavares asks me.
‘She will be. She flies in tomorrow morning.’
‘Hopefully, I know my girlfriend was supposed to fly in tonight but her flight was cancelled due to the storm.’ Says Adam Henrique. ‘They say it’s pretty bad out there.’
‘It’s dreadful.’ Says a voice at my elbow. ‘Excuse me Sid but if I could talk to you a moment.’ I look at David who has joined our small group. My stomach pitches dangerously.
,
‘I’ll catch up with you later guys. Save me a seat away from Kaner, okay?’ The guys laugh as I call over my shoulder. ‘And Giroux.’
‘Oh here are your keys back, Sid. Your Land Rover is amazing. The snow is sure piling up out there but that SUV of yours is remarkable. I’ll have to, think about getting one.’ David is walking me to the back of the stage.
‘Did Ture’s flight make it in?’
‘Yes, but the airport is now closed. No flights in or out until the wind and snow eases up.’ David looks concerned. ‘Have you heard from Tylyn? When does her flight leave Vancouver?’
‘Not for a few hours yet. I hope she makes it here okay. She keeps flying in stormy weather and that scares her.’ Me too. But mostly because I don’t want 91 to be scared.
‘Sid, why don’t you change into your long undies and I’ll meet you at the piano.’ David waves me into the washroom. This was Peeka’s idea for me to wear my under armour so show off my hockey butt. When I get to his side again my mouth is dry and I can hardily talk let alone sing.
‘Let’s warm up that voice of yours. Put your iPhone up here on the piano and start the slide show of Tylyn. Let’s sing to her and think positive thoughts.’ David says as his long fingers stroke the black and white keys. ‘What shall we sing?’
I can hear the Sheepdogs being introduced on the stage in front of us. The opening chords of their first tune, I Don’t Know, drown out my choice of song. I have to yell into David’s ear for him to hear me. He takes me through a warm up piece of music and some vocal exercises. If I didn’t have to perform tonight I’d almost be enjoying myself. I watch the screen on my phone flash pictures of 91. My heart rate increases when I hear Peeka explaining about her charity and the origins of the Hockey butt Blues.
‘So please put your hands together and welcome to the mike Sidney Crosby to sing his track from my new album. The Hockey Butt Blues.’ I look at David and he nods to me.
‘I’ll be right at the piano beside you Sid. Believe in yourself.’ And David leads me out on to the stage. ‘Focus on Ture in the crowd. He’s here to support you as well.”
I see Peeka beside the mike and the Sheepdog band members clapping. I see the crowd of people into front of the stage. I look into the audience for faces that I recognize. The bass line starts to play. I can see Tanger and Catherine with Flower and Vero. Geno is standing beside Datsyuk. I see my off-season work out buddies as they raise their drinks in salute of me. I start softly with David the “my bums” of the walking bass. I finally see Ture and beside him a mass a dark curls. I don’t know if my mind is playing tricks on me. So I blink my eyes. It’s really her. 91 gives me a huge smile and a finger wave. It is her. IT IS HER. My heart soars.
My life’s been a reflection of my sport.
Fast paced, hard hitting, high flying
But the only downer I can find
Is in my behind
Because I’ve got the hockey butt blues.
She turns around and waggles her bottom at me. The tight form fitting dress accentuates her curves. Kaner really did see a pair of beach balls wrapped in Lycra.
My bum has been the butt of many jokes
It’s large, it’s bulbous, gravity defying
But it gets me to where I need to be
Skating by the D
Because I’ve got the hockey butt blues.
So just think of it like this.
It’s not peculiar it’s asstaculiar
It’s just lots of junk in my trunk
It’s rumpdillyicous.
It’ not a moose it’s my caboose.
Don’t stare at my derriere.
Because I have the hockey butt blues.
My bum my bum my bum
Now shush that’s just my tush…..
My bum my bum my bum.
………
I pound on the door to Sid’s suite as I punch redial again. I know the kids had a late night partying but we arranged to meet for a late breakfast. The skills competition starts in a couple of hours and I need to get some contracts signed. The phone goes to message again. Mon dieu. Short of calling security I’m stumped when I hear the lock click on the other side of the door. The heavy wood door opens barely a crack.
Tygyrl is wrapped in a blanket looking all tussled and sleepy.
‘Oh good morning Pat. Let me get the chain off the door.’ I’ve definitely have woke them up. The blue blanket wrapped around her shoulders makes her eyes look blue like the Caribbean ocean.
‘Sorry to wake you up.’ I walk through to the table by the window and set down my brief case. ‘ Sid and I had arranged this yesterday. You young lady were supposed to be just arriving here.’
‘We’ve over slept. Why don’t you call down for some coffee while I wake up 87?’ She says as she enters the bedroom. I can hear her asking Sid to wake up. I lift the receiver of the phone and think for a minute.
‘Sid, what do you want for breakfast? Eggs, toast? Fruit? Waffles?’ I call through to them.
‘Yeah, sure all of it. And yoghurt parfait for 91. I’m just going to pop through the shower. We’ll be with you in a jiffy.’ I hear more murmurs of voices.
I place our order and then start unloading the papers from my case. I have a few offers for Tygyrl my new client. Sid had a pair of ladies hockey skates made for her last year and Reebok has decided to run them as a line called “Tygyrl 91”. Now we have some promo work to do
When Sid comes through to join me, he looks fresh out of the shower. He’s dressed in jeans and a black Henley. He opens the curtains to reveal the snowy scene outside. I have been Sid’s agent since he was in his mid teens so I know him pretty well. And at the moment I’d say he is pretty happy with his life.
‘The food should be here shortly. What time did you two leave the party last night?’ I’m trying to gauge how tired they will be.
‘Not long after you. Maybe 130 am. We were both tired. The whole power outage made it difficult to see anyone. So we packed it in,’ Sid and Tylyn may have left the party but I don’t believe for a minute that they packed it in.
‘I’m glad Tylyn flew yesterday afternoon. The news is reporting that the airport will remain closed for the rest of the day. There is talk of postponing the skills competition to allow time for the plows to clear the streets.’ I watch as Sid flips over a couple of the pages.
‘Me too.’ His eyes lift to where Tylyn has joined us. Her hair is wrapped up in a towel from the shower and she’s dressed casually in sweater dress with matching tights.’ Come here and sit. I’ll brush out the knots while Pat talks.’
Sid pulls out a chair from the dining table. I expect Tylyn to sit in it but Sid sits down on the seat and pulls her on to his lap. The petite girl hands him the hairbrush so he can start brushing out her hair. Both pairs of eyes look at me expectantly.
‘Right then. Reebok is very happy with the test marketing and have several ideas for promos for the Tygyrl 91 line. The first is a couple of commercials with you and Sid playing keep away. The second idea a commercial explaining the differences between men and women’s feet thus women should be wearing a skate designed for women. The third is well more showing what the skate can do.’ I pause to let them think about this.
‘The skate on it’s own?’ Tylyn’s soft sweet voice belies her fierce competitive nature.
‘Not exactly. You’ll wearing the skate taking on some guys just like last autumn when you chicked the Penguins during the drills practice. The idea is that with these skates you can beat the boys at their own game.’ I’m hoping Sid will be on board.
‘The skates did raise 91’s ability to skate. She had the skill but none of the men’s or boys skated fitted her feet well enough to allow her the mobility to put her skill to use.’ Sid gets it.
‘But how would you do it? I mean show my skill.’ Tylyn asks ‘Won’t the audience just think it’s all CGI?’
‘Not if it happen for real.’ I pause to wait to see if they will figure it out.
‘The skills competition here?’ Sid asks. ‘You want her to enter the skills competition?’
‘No way.’ Tylyn is shocked. ‘The other players won’t stand for it. I’ll get smoked.’
‘Maybe not. Hear me out, Tylyn. Your best event is stick tricks right. I think we set up an obstacle speed course where players take a puck through various challenges. That will level the playing field for you. Most the guys here will accept your skill. Sid, Geno, Flower and Tanger are all here and will support you. We’ll set up the course and offer it as a challenge. It will be optional but filmed. Any player can have their try through the course deleted. But I suspect pride won’t let them.’ I explain.
‘Pat, I’m not sure about this. This is the NHL. These guys are the best in the world.’ She stumbles over her words. ‘They aren’t going to accept me as a valid player.’
’Oh yes, they will if the NHLPA tells them to. I think this is a great idea. Almost half our fans are women, so if you can play, you can play. Let me make a couple of calls.’ Sid is behind me. ‘Pat do you think we can set this up today?’
‘I’ve got a film crew on hand Sid we just need a few victims. Sorry test subjects.’ I reply.
‘Let me call some of the guys. You’ll have some good competition. Landeskog should do it. Maybe Stamkos. ‘ Sid’s on task. Tylyn looks concerned. For me it’s game on.
……..
I think I want to puke. Pat’s idea of an obstacle course has taken on a life of it’s own. 87 and I got to the rink for a little fun skate around 1230pm. The skills competition start time has been delayed until this evening. We are out on the ice playing when I notice a few guys are watching us from the breezeway. Sid skates over and chats to them. I take a puck and head to the far side of the ice. I assume that our time is almost done. So I get set up for our traditional finish the game of keep away.
I hunker down over the puck and tease it in front of me when 87 looks my way. He puts his head down as he skates full tilt at me. I make a quick dash to my left, plant my toe into the ice spin around and duck under his right arm. It’s a new move I’ve been practicing. It catches 87 off guard. I go hard behind the net with the puck. I keep the net between us until he knocks it off its posts trying to get around it to me. I flick the puck far to his left side at the boards and go the far way around the net. He watches me for a split second trying to decide to take me or go after the puck. But I waste no time catching the puck on the ricochet. I am in full stride looking down to the Zamboni when players on the ice distract me. Whomp. I’ve been caught. 87 has caught me with his free arm and pulled me down.
‘Holy shit, that was hilarious. She deked you, Sid. ‘ I look up at several guys in their hockey gear looking down at us. ‘That would have gone viral on YouTube.’
‘You try and get the puck off her. It’s not as easy as it looks.’ 87’s deep voice is laughing. I stand up and have to lean back to look into Zdeno Chara’s face. 87 holds me in place when I try to leave.
‘Pat Brisson says there is going to be a new skill challenge. An obstacle course?’ Marion Hossa has joined us.’ Good challenge.’
‘I better go.’ I say quietly to 87. The all-star players have been divided into two teams. Team Crosby who are now coming out on to the ice for warm up skate. And Team Johnson who will get pre skills skate in an hour or so.
‘No, stay. We are going to go through the drills and put our best players forward for each skill set. Just stay here. Okay?’ 87 asks me.
‘Okay. But I’ll stay out of the way.’ The warm up jerseys for 87’s team are dark blue. My hot pink jersey stands out amongst the players. I watch as selection are made for the drills for contestants in:
1) Bridgestone NHL Fastest Skater
2) Allstate Insurance NHL Breakaway Challenge
3) Canadian Tire NHL Accuracy Shooting
4) G Series NHL Skills Challenge Relay
5) BlackBerry NHL Hardest Shot
6) Tim Horton’s NHL Elimination Shoot Out
Finally, they get to my obstacle course. This is a stick/puck handling skill demonstration that I have worked on for years. I help set up the course. It is comprised of 2 sticks, bars on 3 inch raisers, a piece of 4 inch plastic pipe, a speed cone, a stool and finally a bucket set upright. It’s maybe 20 feet long at best.
‘So the deal here guys is you have to take the puck through this obstacle course. You flip the puck across the shaft stick three times, under the first bar then over the next bar through the plastic pipe, three more puck flips down the next stick, take it around the speed cone over the stool and pop it in the bucket. Got that. Easy peasy. Child’s play if you ask me. Who want’s to go first.’ 87 explains the drill.
Film crews have been recording the practice for the NHL and are now setting up around the course. This is it the start. Several players give it a shot but either end up losing their pucks or get stumped by the plastic pipe.
‘Here watch me do it. Slow down and just work the puck. I know that the record time is about 17 seconds but you have to work up to it.’ 87 takes the puck slowly through the course and teaches the guys how it’s done.
’17 seconds that’s impossible.’ I know a lot of the players but I don’t know this guy.
‘Oh yeah. It’s possible.’ Tanger laughs. He takes the puck through in about 18 seconds. ‘I’ve been practicing!’ He gives me a wink.
When everyone has had a turn and most have failed. 87 looks at me and says.
‘Show ‘em up, Chickadee.’
I stretch to calm my nerves. Pat has joined us on the ice. He’s all smiles.
‘Go for a warm up skate. Tygyrl. Just a quick lap and then back. I’ll have a clock on you.’ So I nod. And start with my warm up strides, picking up the pace, then flip to going backwards. I have my nerves under control so I when I pick up a puck on the way back to the head of the course I’m in game mode. I line up and wait. 87 blows the whistle that starts me off. I run the course and do it in reverse as well popping the puck into the bucket from the start of the course all in less than 19 seconds.
‘Holy shit man. That’ was impressive.’
‘It’s cause she’s little. I had a hellva time not knocking over the cone.’ Henrique the big Dman complains.
‘No way, she just plain out classed you.’ Spezza laughs. ‘I say she our one and only entry.’
‘Now who’s willing to sign my releases. You’ve all been chicked by a Tygyrl’ I look at Pat who is smiling like a Cheshire cat. I recognize Datsyuk, Duchene and Patrice Bergeron all line up to sign. I don’t recognize several of the other guys.
‘You should see her record time, boys. I’ve got it on video.’ Sid laughs and gives me a kiss. And to me he whispers ‘ You can chick me anytime.’
‘I can try.’ I whisper back. ‘Does this mean crazy gorilla shower sex now?’
The huge arena is filled with 87’s laughter.