The Reason

“Apparently?”

“Never mind. Yeah, I live all alone. I’d ask you to not pay attention to this mass but I think it’s impossible…”

“But have you been busy? Do you have a job?”

“No, I don’t. I’m just studying but, honestly, forget all this mass. I have some work to do.” – I get up of the bed, forgetting I’m just with underwear. Matt is staring at me, completely amazed but his face change. He looks over my entire body, frowning like he’s feeling sorry for me. Then, I notice I’m almost naked.

Quickly, I take up a jacket I have over the bed and I put it on me, hiding my shameful body, crossing my arms trying to hide even more what Matt had already seen. I stay there, in front of him, staring at the ground. My breath is heavy and my entire body is shaking, being even weaker. Matt had seen what nobody saw before. My body is filled to the top with scars by stabs I gave to myself. Here I am, unable to move. Matt doesn’t move too, he doesn’t speak a word… it seems his breath was gone away. A few minutes later, he gets up, never taking his eyes of me. I look at him vaguely and I begin to walk back until I feel my body crash on the door of the bedroom.

“Are you happy?”

“Why are you asking that?”

“Your eyes say everything about you but you’re body can say even more.” – I look down once again. Matt approaches me and, with his hand, moves away my hair which is covering my face. He fondles my face. I stop him, pulling his hand away for my face, without looking at him just once. I leave the bedroom, hasty, and go to the kitchen to drink a glass with water and take a tranquilizer. I feel a huge pressure on my chest and if before I felt lost; now I’m feeling even more. I have a thief in my house. And if this isn’t enough, I helped him with the cops… I’m accomplice of a crime. And the worst of all is that he found one of my darkest secrets.

I’m coming back to the living room. Matt is sitting on the couch with a little piece of paper between his hands. The note Professor Baker had given to me. I run towards him and I take it away of his hands, putting it on the pocket of my jacket. He looks at me completely worried with my attitude. I just want him to go away and to leave me alone. All alone. I’m feeling a little bothered with his presence although some minutes before I wanted him to stay. Now, I can’t. I feel shame each time he looks at me. It’s like he will make fun of me any moment. And I’m not prepared to hear more judgments by others. I’m walking to one side to another like I’m about to madden and Matt’s eyes follow every step I give.

“Don’t you mind to sleep here, on the couch, do you?” – My voice is cracking because the way my lips are shivering as my whole body.

“Of course I don’t mind. What can I do to thank you? You took the risk because of me…”

“Sure! If I didn’t do it, I’d risk my own life… you said that!”

“I’d never do something to you…”

“Bullshit!”

“Believe in what you want, Natasha. But… tell me, what can I do for you? Ask everything you want.”

“Nothing. I don’t want anything.”

“Seriously. Tell me.”

“Matt, I don’t want anything from you, okay? Neither from you, neither from anybody.”

“I can help you to find out who he is…”

“What?” – My heart beat faster. I look at Matt and he gets up and walks towards me. He takes out the note of my pocket and reads it out loud and slowly to try to find some kind of mistake or something. I’m watching each move, each sound coming out of his mouth, at the same time I’m trying to be reasonable and to stop making movies in my head. Actually, I spend lots of time alone. Every day, I ask God to give me someone who hear me and talk to me, someone who fondle me and spend time with me, someone who love me and let me love him. Each time someone act with me like Matt does, I begin to wish more and more, mingling lack of caress with love. I begin to wish him more than everybody else. I shake my head to take these kinds of things away of my mind and pay attention, one more time, to the note. Matt sits on the couch; never taking is eyes of the note, at the same time that he rubs his head also drawing his hair.

“9. ECC… this seems to be a part of a license plate.”

“License plate?”

“Yeah… or an address…”

“Can you find out something about this?”

“Maybe. Tomorrow, early in the morning, I can find out but you have to come with me. Do you trust me?” – Matt looks at me, smiles and fondles, once again, my cheek. It’s being hard to me to concentrate in what we’re really doing. I neither think twice. I agree with that foolish idea about to go with him nowhere.

“Yeah, sure. And, where will we go?”

“I don’t know. Tomorrow, early, I’ll try to find out something and then I’ll come back to you to go there.”

“Okay. Well, I’m very tired. I had a terrible day and I need to rest. I’ll fetch you a blanket and a pillow.”

“Thank you so much, Natasha.”

I go to my bedroom where I take out a pillow and a blanket of my closet. I come back to the living room and Matt is already lying down on the couch, with his back turned to me. I approach him and stay a few moments looking at him, so quiet and angel-like, with his eyes closed, his head resting over his hands and his body in baby position. When I put the blanket over him, he looks back and smiles at me. I give him the pillow, he got up a bit and put it, below his head, coming back to the position I found him.

“You’re an angel, Natasha. Nobody was able to do what you’re doing to me.”

“Honestly, I don’t know why I’m doing this. Or maybe I know… I just don’t wanna believe.”

“Huh?” – I ignore him and come back to my bedroom, light-footed. I close the door, leaning myself on it and let my body slides towards to ground. I bend my head over the door while I take deep breaths. Why do I say just silliness? Why don’t I know to act like normal people in situations like this? Who, being in sound mind, let a thief guy spend a night in his/her house and, the worst; let him alone ‘sleeping’ in the living room?

(Are you trying seducing him this way, Natasha? Wake up! Wake up! He’s using you. No… he’s not using you. He’s just taking advantage of your silliness.)

I get up of the ground, taking the jacket off, putting it, this time, inside of the closet. I put the PJ’s on, I lie down and try to sleep. Tomorrow is a different day.

***

It’s 7 am. My head is going to burst anytime. I get out of my bed and go to the bathroom to take a quick shower. After getting dressed and put eye-liner, I turn to the door of the bedroom, placing my hand on the doorknob. Is he still here? Or has he already come out with all he could take out? I'm afraid to face this reality. I had a horrible night and I'm not feeling ready for more surprises. But I have to risk it. I cannot stay here all day.

I open the door slowly and leave the bedroom. Each time I approach most of the living room, I start to hear a strange sound. But I begin to realize what it is. Someone snoring. I confess that this reassure me a bit and makes me laugh. I enter the living room and face with Matt still lying on the couch with a blanket on the ground and with his arms and legs open. He’s not snore too loud but enough to not let a person sleeping beside him. Silently, I turn to the kitchen and prepare something for our breakfast. What's worse is that my pantry is almost empty. I take out the milk and eggs from the fridge and I start making, or trying to make, pancakes. I place in two bowls cereals with milk and pancakes on a plate. I put everything on the table, along with a pitcher of orange juice. I feel somehow held. When I go to leave the kitchen to go wake Matt, my body head against his body what it makes us laugh.

"Sorry! I'd now call you to take breakfast together."

"You're a sweetheart! Thank you. I don't know how you are able to do all this after what happened yesterday. "

"Now that you mention that... can you already tell me what happened yesterday?"

"Come on, Natasha... you know exactly what happened."

"You were robbing my neighbors ..."

"That old man deserves it. He's an asshole, Natasha. A real son of a bitch."

"But why do you say that?"

"A long story ... one day you'll understand. I only ask you one thing. Avoid giving confidence to him and also to his wife."

"Okay... you're weird, Matt."

"I'm weird? Please Natasha... if I'm weird, you're one of those cubes full of colors that we have to join all the color..." - I don't control and start out laughing with embarrassment with which he tries to define me with a single object.

"The magic cube."

"Yes, that."

"Thanks for the compliment!"

"It was not to be a compliment, but, by the way... you're right."

***

A few moments later, I'm in college. Matt came with me, leaving me here, as he said, in safety. I can try but I can't hide the silly smile that invades my face every time I think of him and, once again, I'm lost in dreams and illusions that won't take me nowhere.
Now, I enter in the hallway and seek my classroom. I'll have Spanish with Professor Haner. Today, I feel brave enough to face him again and talk to him. As soon as I got to college, I don't find lots of people in the hallways, which is great. I turn to my classroom and to my surprise only one person is in the room: Professor Haner. He is writing something but when he notices my presence, he hides the paper he was writing inside his book quickly.

"Can I come in?"

"Sure, Natasha. Sure." - I enter the room slowly. I am very confused by his attitude. Professor Haner always been nervous about my presence, but as he's not the only one, I never cared, but lately things are getting to a bit weird what leaves me with some questions. He takes no more in that piece of paper when he was writing a plain text as if all those words hung in his mind. I sit while I realize that he looks to me cautiously, controlling all my actions. I take the book and notebook from my bag and open it without haste. I look at him again and he quickly diverts his gaze taking in his pen and begins to rotate it as if he was analyzing it. An unsettling silence invades the classroom. I begin to defoliate the book, pretending I'm looking for a special page but I notice he's bothered by something, stirring in all his things, like looking up something.

"Professor Haner?"

"Yes, Natasha?" - He looks at me quickly, dropping all the things that he is grabbing on the table. He gets up from his chair and approaches me, leaning against the table in front of me. As he is so close, I notice how much he's sweating as if the nerves were to seize him.

"Professor, are you feeling well?"

"Yes, I’m okay. Do you need anything? Do you have doubts?"

"No ... I mean, in relation to the matter I have no doubt but... yesterday... actually, you're acting with me in a very strange way..."

"Me? No, I’m not."

"Really?" - He is silent for a moment, looking away and walks over to his desk. He leans on his desk, getting to look at me without raising his head a lot. A few minutes later, he approaches me again, sitting in front of me.

"You'll never understand..."

"You can always try to explain..."

"Natasha, I..." - appear a few students in the room which prevents Professor Haner to tell me what's really going on. He gets up quickly, turning to his desk while he's greeting students who are going slowly and gradually coming.

My eyes meet his eyes several times during the two hours of class, making him miss his reasoning. I think all this is so fucking weird and I can't find a lucid and rational response to his attitude. Few minutes for the class is over, I start to pack my stuff, trying to make as little noise as possible. I wanna have answers about all my questions about Professor Haner and I wanna know, once and for all, if he has something to do with the note. The class is given as finished and to my amazement, Professor Haner takes his stuff without pack it in his briefcase, and leaves the classroom hastily, almost running. Taking my stuff anyway, I run after him, calling him and crashing against everyone who was in the hallway. On leaving college, I'm about to catch him but someone grabs me by making me stop. It's Matt. I smile to see him but quickly my eyes trying to find Professor Haner but he is already gone.

"Are you ready?"

"Yes... I am. Did you find out anything?"

"I think so. Come with me. "- We get in his car and quickly we start the trip. Honestly, I don't feel nervous, regardless of not knowing what I really will do or where Matt is taking me. Right now, I have somebody else in my head. Brian Haner. I don't say a word as I watch the movement of the city of Huntington Beach through the window. I feel Matt's hand on my leg what makes me quickly back to the real world and look at him. - "We're going to a house of a doctor."

"A doctor?"

"Yes. His name is Johnny Seward. It may seem strange but I bet he has something to do with these notes. "

"And why would he have something to do with this? He doesn't even have access to college. He doesn't know me. And I don't know him."

"I saw him through that area last week..."

"How weird... and how do you know it's him?"

"Well, that's it for now... I can't tell... but... but trust me."

I confess I start to worry. The way Matt is talking about this is making me uncomfortable and, honestly, I think he is trying to hide something.
A few minutes later, I feel the car to stop. He parks the car in front of a huge mansion. This must be where the doctor lives. I look out the window all this residential area and notice that it is so peaceful and quiet. I hope I won't regret of this. While I watch the area, Matt opens the glove compartment of the car pulling out two hoods.

"Put them on."

"For what?"

"Stop asking questions and put the fucking hood, if you don't want people see you."

"But for what, Matt? You're scaring me!"

"NATASHA, PUT THE FUCKING HOOD ON AND HURRY UP!" - I begin to understand what is going on here. It's like a step back, as a revival of the past. A return to my roots. I'm back to being who I was a few years ago, when I passed nights and nights exploring the area, to act the following day when everyone was working. A dark past I am not proud at all. The past I see so present when I stick the hood in the head and take the black jacket Matt gives me right now. - "Take this bag and put everything you can inside it. Mobile phones, gold, decoration pieces... all the shit you can."

"We don't take gloves? We are taking a big risk if we don't use them."

"You're right. Take them." - Matt gives me a pair of gloves that had inside the car and we run into the house, jumping the fence that separates the property from the road. It isn't difficult to come into the house. The back door is open. We enter and both, Matt and I, start filling the bags with everything that appeared on the front. The maid appears and I have no choice but to grab her, seizing her with some ropes that Matt had in the bag and putting a cloth in her mouth to keep her quiet. Matt looks at me, surprised with my excess professionalism. As we have already filled bags, we leave as soon as possible the doctor Johnny Sewards' house, getting in the car and heading back to my house.

I open the door with some violence, throwing the bag to the floor without wondering what is inside it. Matt looks at me with some fear, without saying a word, taking the bag I threw to the floor and putting up on the coffee table in the living room. I take a cigarette from my pack and light it, starting to walk from one side to the other of the room, trying to forget what we had just done.

"Natasha, I didn't want to..."

"You didn't want what, Matt? Huh? Didn't you want me to get involved in this shit... but hey, it had to be... Fuck you, Matt! "

"I had to do it! That motherfucker didn't help my mother even seeing that she was about to die. He just got what he deserved!"

"Now you will tell me that you only steal people who deserve this, right?"

"Yeah! That's right, Natasha! I haven't a very good life and this is an easy way to earn a few extra dollars. I may be a thief guy but I only steal who really doesn't give value to what they have. "

"Typical excuse."

"You speak as if you have experience on this..."

"And I have, Matt. Unfortunately, I have. I was drug addict and stole to get buy drugs, are you glad to know?" - Somebody save me. Please, someone save me. I feel as if I had to drown in a swamp. It's a revival I try to avoid and I try to hide. It's as if all these scars are opened again and bleed without stop. Matt looks at me, terrified and at the same time unable to believe in a single word that comes out of my mouth.

"No... It can't be. You..." - Someone knocks at the door of my house. Matt and I look at each other in panic. We think at the same thing: cops. Matt and I grab in all things and run to my room, hiding everything in the closet and under the bed. I take his coat off and untie my hair while he takes his shirt off, standing only with his pants. We return to the living room, hearing the knocking increasingly strong and impatient. I approach the door. Take a deep breath before opening it.

"Professor Haner?"